biblical womanhood (8c) submission in practice

It took me many, many years of marriage to understand what submission might look like in practice. Every time I asked for advice, I was told "I believe in headship and submission, but I can't explain what it looks like." Coming originally from a feminist position, and with little guidance and few examples, I could have done with some more specific suggestions!

So what I'm doing today is sharing some examples of what the practice of submission might look like. The details will be different in every marriage, but one thing is certain: submission is an attitude which affects everything - thoughts, feelings, words, actions - every moment of every day.


Submission affects our thoughts and feelings. It means that when I think of my husband, I'll reject critical, bitter, resentful, unforgiving thoughts. Instead, I'll choose to think of him with respect and love. I don't mean I'll refuse to see his bad points! Often, because I've married a sinner, what will be demanded of me is not blind approval, but patience and forgiveness. But I'll also choose to rejoice in the times he exercises his leadership wisely, and when he fails, I'll trust in the God who has chosen this man to be my husband, remember my own sin, respect his role even when I'm struggling to respect him, and respond with forbearance and grace.

Submission affects our actions in small things. This was the first expression of submission which made sense to me. It means I (try to!) honour my husband's preferences: keeping the kitchen bench clean, filling the kettle (I kid you not!), or wearing my hair long. For you, it will mean other things: de-cluttering the loungeroom, welcoming your husband with a kiss, or keeping track of what you spend.


Submission affects our words. It changes the way we talk to our husbands, and to others (children, friends, our mothers) about our husbands. I don't mean we'll speak with humble deference: there's lots of teasing, laughter and robust discussion in my marriage, which won't surprise anyone who knows us! But I've learned not to nag or boss my husband into doing things, not to complain about him to others, and not to always offer my opinion when we're leading a group together - and I'm learning to be careful of how I speak to him in front of others.

Submission affects our response when our husbands ask something of us. Elizabeth George taught me (and I in no way live up to this!) to respond first with a "yes", and only then with a "but have you thought of ...?, when my husband asks something of me. "Yes", I'll gladly come and help you with that. "Yes", why don't we do that together on the weekend. "Yes", let's consider those ministry plans. Without noticing it, I'm often automatically set to "no", or at least to "sigh".

Submission affects decisions about our own lives. It affects how we spend our money, use our time, and make our plans. Recently, God has convicted me about two areas which I think are key for many women: spending and scheduling. Steve's an easy-going guy who doesn't throw his weight around, and it's been easy for me to take advantage of that as I manage our finances and plan my calendar. This year, I'm seeking his guidance on our budget and my plans for next year.

Submission affects how we respond to our husband's leadership. It's hard to graciously acknowledge and receive someone's authority. It's far easier to openly rebel, or to resist in more subtle ways: patronising our husbands, doing things behind their backs, or surreptitiously trying to exert control. Instead, we'll build up rather than tear down, obey when it doesn't mean disobeying Christ, and support, encourage and pray for our husbands as they lead our family.

Submission affects how we influence our husbands. There's definitely a place for wise counsel, good advice, and honest discussion (Prov 31:26). But there will also be times when words are ineffective or unwelcome. The primary way we influence our husbands, especially when words fail, is through our prayers, the godliness and reverence of our lives, and the way we honour and seek their leadership (1 Pet 3:1-7). Definitely not through sulking, nagging, manipulating, seeking revenge, or complaining!

Submission affects how we accept our husband's care. I've often observed in my own and others' marriages a tendency to be unwilling to receive compliments graciously, to welcome embraces, to hear encouragement, to enjoy sentimental expressions of affection, to accept protection, or even to allow a husband to open a door for us. We're independent modern women - we don't like to be looked after! This might be something we need to learn.

Submission affects how we use our time and energy. Instead of lavishing our time and energy on ourself and our dreams, we'll give ourselves first to helping our husbands, caring for their needs, and supporting their work and ministry. I don't think we should put our husbands on a pedestal, or that our lives should revolve around them - this wouldn't be good for either of us! Christ is our first husband, God's glory our first goal, and the gospel our first priority. But our husband will come next on the list, we'll be careful about how our ministry and relaxation affect him, and we'll work as a team, when possible, to reach out to God's world.

But what if my husband doesn't want to lead? This is a question which often comes up when I talk to married women. Since Genesis 3:16, many wives love to take over, and many husbands lazily abdicate responsibility. We may need to repent of our tendency to want to run things, ask for our husbands' advice and input when it's not offered, and gently encourage them to take greater responsiblity in leadership. I think this is one piece of encouragement most husbands would welcome! If this continues to be a major problem in your marriage, it could be helpful to talk together to a godly pastor.

But what if I'm in a difficult marriage? If God expects wives of unbelieving husbands to honour and obey their husbands (1 Peter 3:1-7) then he expects no less from those of us in difficult Christian marriages. There are no "if ... then ... " clauses when it comes to love and submission (I'm not talking about situations where it's appropriate for a wife to leave her husband, in cases like abuse and adultery). I know this is hard to say, and harder still to practise, and requires far more than a brief paragraph! Our comfort is that God knows our situation, that he watches over us and loves us more deeply than any husband ever could, that we honour him by our faithfulness in a difficult situation, that he promises never to test us beyond what we can bear, and that he gives us grace and strength when we have none of our own.

I know the things I say are not easy for many of us to hear, and for any of us to practise. But don't we love God's word, and trust him to want only what is best for us? I pray that he will help you and me to come to the Bible ready to have our minds changed, to listen to his voice even when we find it hard to hear, and to ask him for the will and grace to obey.

I've found, over the years, that submission has changed from something I reluctantly practice through gritted teeth and with resentment, to something I've grown into, as its true beauty and freedom have become apparent to me, and as God's grace has worked in the hearts of my husband and me. I hope and pray you find the same.

biblical womanhood (8b) submission in attitude and action

What do headship and submission in marriage look like in practice? How do you define such a thing? For every marriage is different: submission has "as many expressions as the relationships it finds itself in".* It's even harder to describe what submission looks like when we see it so infrequently.

What I can tell you, after 20 years of learning how to be married, is that headship and submission can be beautiful, like a dance where the dancers know their places.

I can't imagine a relationship more lovely than that of Christ and the church. What could be more beautiful than a lover who finds a woman lying in her filth, washes her, adorns her, and lays down his life to win her (Ezek 16:1-14)? Or a woman who, having been loved with such devotion, gives herself freely and willingly to the one who died to win her? The parallel is not exact, but if human marriage is anything, it is a faint and pale copy of this everlasting marriage.

From before eternity, God planned men and women to mirror forth this divine love affair. And so he made man to work, to plant, to build and to tend, and woman to help, to bear children, to nurture and to care (Gen 1-3). He made husbands to love their wives with a self-sacrificial devotion which honours, cherishes and protects, and women to support their husbands with a love which honours, helps, reverences and yes, submits, gladly and willingly, every day and in everything (Eph 5:1-7).

You might hear people saying "The husband's job is harder". Yes, it is hard - it is desperately hard! - to sacrifice your own preferences and goals and desires for your wife. But it's equally hard to submit, for it goes against not only our culture, but also our sinful desire to run life our own way, and our familiarity with our husband's sins and failings. Submission has been hard since the day the first man and woman fell into sin, and swapped peace for a relationship where each would seek to dominate the other (Gen 3:16).

So what do headship and submission look like in practice? I'm not going to say a lot about headship, except that it demands that husbands care for their wives' needs before their own, treat them with respect and consideration, and enable them to become all they were meant to be. God never tells men, as you might expect, to rule, to command, or to demand submission from their wives. In a culture where this would have been normal, he instead turns to wives, as free and equal partners, and tells them to willingly and graciously submit.

It's easier to say what submission doesn't look like than what it does look like. It doesn't mean "mutual submission", as if sacrifice and submission are two sides of the one coin, for God demands quite different things from husbands and wives. Nor does it mean you'll pack up your brain and put it away, obey your husband when he asks you to cheat or act immorally, or never advise or influence him. Or how could women married to unbelievers freely put their trust in Christ, serve God with reverence and purity, or win their husbands for Christ (1 Pet 3:22-33)?

When you ask people what submission looks like, they'll often say "It means that if you have to make a big decision, and your husband and you disagree, he gets to make the decision." Whatever submission means, it means more than that. Submission affects everything, every moment of every day (Eph 5:24). "Submission is an attitude, but it's an attitude which has to be expressed."*

Submission affects the way we think, feel, speak and behave. It's an inner quality of the heart - a state of trust, reverence, honour, gentleness, quietness, purity, and respect - which is beautiful to God (1 Pet 3:1-6). But it doesn't stop with the heart. Like all true attitudes, submission is an attitude which leads to action.

Whatever else submission is, it's not easy. Our husbands are imperfect, and so are we. Even in a loving marriage, submission will go against every fibre of independence in our being. Submission is only possible because God's Spirit works in us moment by moment, making us more like Christ, filling us with his humility, gentleness, quietness, and trust.

I'm sorry to leave you hanging, just when I'm about to get to the nitty-gritty of the practice of submission, but this post is too long already. In the meantime, perhaps you'd like to share with us what you think submission looks like in practice. As usual, there will be far more wisdom if we all share what we think than if I just tell you what I think!

* These quotes are from Claire Smith's talks Won without a word and The divine marriage, from her series Different by Design. I owe much of what I say, but none of my clumsiness of expression, to her.

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biblical womanhood (8a) submission strong and beautiful

Submission is beautiful. Submission is strong. Submission is not a dirty word.

Submission is beautiful. It makes us like Jesus, who gladly submits to the will of his Father (Jn 8:29). It makes us like Christ's glorious bride, the church, who joyfully submits herself to the Husband who laid down his life to win her (Eph 5:22-33). Its beauty is seen in every Christian who obeys God willingly, in every child who honours their parents, in every safe and ordered society. It springs from the unchanging, inner beauty of a "gentle and quiet spirit", one of God's most precious treasures (1 Pet 3:4).

Submission is strong. Only those who are confident in themselves, or (better!) in God, don't need to throw their weight around. Sarah left her home and follow her husband Abraham on the journey of faith to an unknown country, because she trusted in God and didn't give way to fear (1 Pet 3:5-6). Only women with a big picture of God - a God whose eternal purpose in making men and women was to display the love between Christ and the church, and who works every circumstance for our good and his glory (Rom 8:28=29) - are able to submit with trust and joy.

Submission is not a dirty word. We honour submission in Jesus, in Christians, in children. But when it comes to marriage, we have a mental block. When the "s" word comes up in a talk or a Bible reading, it makes us squirm with embarrassment.

The word "submission" may bring to mind mental pictures of a (perfectly dressed) housewife taking (perfectly baked) biscuits out of her (perfectly polished) stove, or the "little wife" who brings a "masterly man" his slippers and pipe, or the human doormat who has denied her own intelligence and personhood to say "yes" to everything her husband asks, however demeaning or stupid.

My own journey to seeing the beauty of submission was a long one. I don't remember thinking much about submission in marriage as a child. As a teenager at a girl's school, the idea would probably have seemed repellent. During my Arts course, I became a thorough-going feminist. Steve, who is now my husband, was also a feminist in those days.

I only accepted submission as God's will for marriage after much study, conversation and heart-searching. I debated every side of the issue with wise Bible teachers, read books representing different points of view (the most memorable and influential being Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood), and spent many hours studying the Bible passages on men and women (Gen 1-3, 1 Cor 11:2-16, 14:26-40, Gal 3:28, Eph 5:22-33, Col 3:18-19, Tit 2:3-5, 1 Tim 5:14, 2 Tim 1:5, 3:14-15, 1 Pet 3:1-7).

Despite all the debates, in the end it seemed to me (and to Steve!) that the Bible is actually very clear: "Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything" (Eph 5:24). You have to jump backwards through many exegetical hoops to get it to say anything else.* So we made the good old promises of love and submission at our wedding.

Even then, with not many models of submission in marriage to imitate, and few older, godly women who practise submission to teach me the practicalities, it's taken many years for me to understand what headship and submission look like in a healthy marriage.

These days, I find young Christian women much more willing to accept the idea of submission. But they are still confused about the practice. One of the questions I'm asked most often by young women is "What exactly does submission in marriage look like?" In a day or two, I'd like to write about the practicalities of submission in marriage.

* I know I've left acres of questions unanswered. This isn't the place for a huge theological debate. If you'd like to follow the issues up for yourself, can I suggest you start by listening to Claire Smith Different by Design. She is fair, thorough, compassionate, and well thought out. She answers the various objections to submission logically and well. And if you'd like to talk more about what I discovered about the Bible's teaching on submission, feel free to contact me, or write in the comments.

balancing homemaking and ministry (5) my plans for 2009

There'll be a few changes next year! This year, I was so eager to take on new ministry opportunities as I left the baby years behind, that I over-committed myself.

This blog was a surprising new ministry. Add to that new writing opportunities, an unexpected chance to lead a young mum's Bible study, Sunday School classes, an unhealthy perfectionism which means I spend too long on things and find it hard to disappoint people, and some terms double- and triple-booked with seminars and writing tasks, and you can imagine it's been a little crazy!

Family and home are still my main priority, but some months I've given my kids less attention than I would have liked, I haven't supported good friends well, and the house has started to look neglected. I'm also a little tired and burnt-out. These are precious, brief years with my children, and I don't want to waste them!

I've made my plans for 2009 with greater prayer and care. For the first time (I say this with great embarrassment!) I've sought my husband's detailed input into my plans (yes, I do seek his advice regularly, but to my shame, I've never sat down with him and gone over the next year's plans in detail). I didn't commit to anything until he agreed with my priorities and said, "I think that sounds manageable". He's far more sensible than me about what I can and can't cope with!

Here's how the decision-making looked for me:

Heart-work
God has been convicting me about how I often seek praise from people rather than from him: a poor motivation for ministry! I've brought my heart to God, repented of pride, ambition and people-pleasing, and asked him to make me more like Christ.

I'm naturally a workaholic, which is sinful pride. I need to learn to say "no", to be disciplined about when to stop reading or writing (right now, in fact, as I edit this post!), and to take time off each week. I'm thinking of having a weekly computer-free day to devote myself without distraction to my family.

Time for home and ministry
Here's how I've planned my time:

Daily (pretty much in order of priorities)

• time with God in the early morning - I'm an early bird, but it takes discipline to devote that first, quiet hour to God when so much else is begging to be done!
• a couple of hours with Steve every evening - Our marriage needs to stay healthy, for it's the primary relationship (after God) in our lives and family.
• time for each of my 4 children - We eat, chat, learn and read the Bible together; I'm there when they get home from school; and they all know Mum is available for some one-on-one time each day - reading, chatting, doing jigsaws, cuddling!
• home tasks - Washing clothes, cooking, getting kids ready for school, driving the family taxi, etc.
• a nap in the early afternoon - These days, I need this to give me energy for my family during the afternoon and evening.
• a quiet hour in the early afternoon for blogging (This is where I'm at right now.)

Weekly (pretty much in order of the days)

• Monday, Wednesday - home duties. I've found I need 2 mornings to manage our home. Monday is for cleaning (a clean house is oddly important to my mental state - for my friend, it's cooking!) and Tuesday is for odd jobs (shopping, errands, budgetting, paperwork).
• Tuesday - a flexible morning for people. I pray with friends, have a coffee with neighbours or school mums, take Andrew to the park, or deal with unexpected responsibilities.
• Thursday, Friday - intensive ministry. Once I've cared for my home and caught up with friends, I have 2 mornings left for intensive ministries like writing or leading a Bible study.
• Saturdays and Sundays - family and church. Weekends are for outings, jobs around the house, teaching piano to the kids, cooking lunchbox fillers and meals to freeze, and church (and some time off!).

Monthly
One Friday a month, I put ministry aside and spend a quiet morning resting, reflecting and praying. This helps me stay on course spiritually, mentally and physically.

Ministry opportunities
Here's how I've planned my ministry:

Priority 1: help my husband in his ministry

• prayer - Most days, I pray for my husband's godliness, love and wisdom in his leadership of our marriage, family and ministry.
• hospitality - I get our home ready to welcome visitors for meetings and social events.
• using my skills - I edit our uni Christian group's newsletter 3 or 4 times a year - a job I don't enjoy but try to do cheerfully to help my husband! ;)
• ask! - I recently decided to ask Steve more often about how I can help him in his ministry (writing Christmas cards for our supporters came up - if you're one of them, tell me how I do!).

Priority 2: serve people in my church and reach out to my community

• friends and neighbours - I keep 1 morning a week free for people. I pray with friends, spend time socially with neighbours and school mums, and visit or mentor people.
• Sunday School - This is needed at our church, and it's also a way to teach my own children.
• young mums at our church - It's important to care first for the women God has placed in my circle, so I lead a Bible study on 1 of my 2 intensive ministry mornings.

Priority 3: the wider church and world.
I have most Fridays left for intensive ministry, although this is sometimes taken up with preparation for Bible study or Sunday School.

This is where I need to be very, very careful. I'm a dreamer, so I'm always making big plans. If I had my way (and if people would let me!) I'd be organising women's conferences, editing on-line magazines, and teaching lots of women's seminars. Wiser Christians have encouraged me to concentrate on writing.

I've agreed to one (I've learned through bitter experience to limit it to one!) extra writing /teaching project each term (Sunday School, seminar, article, EQUIP books). I'm learning to combine different responsibilities: to blog about what I'm preparing for Sunday School, or to teach the book I'm doing for EQUIP books in my Bible study.

So in this blog next year, you might find series on handling our thought-life (seminar), Hebrews (Sunday School), spiritual disciplines (last year's seminar) and mentoring women (article)! As God wills.

Well, I hope you've found these ramblings helpful. I know I'm exhausted, and I'll be glad to leave this topic for a while! As Sarah said, its' time to stop talking and start doing! You might want to tell us about your own ministry plans for next year in the comments today.

balancing homemaking and ministry (4) making a decision

What I'd like to do today is to give some practical suggestions about deciding how much ministry to do outside the home: nothing earth-shattering, just some ideas. I'll admit that many of these are taken from Lucy's helpful description of how she went about making her own decisions: thanks, Lucy!


1. Pray and do heart-work.
Here's some excellent questions to ask of every ministry opportunity, from Carolyn Mahaney's Feminine Appeal (p.105):

• What are my reasons for considering this opportunity? Are they selfish or God-honouring?
• Will pursuing this venture glorify God and honour the gospel?

In all our decisions, our heart's desire should be to love, serve and bring glory to Christ.

It's good to pray for wisdom, and for God to guide us through the clear directions of his Word, godly discernment, and the wise advice of other Christians (if you want to read more about how God guides, there's a wonderful chapter in JI Packer's Laid-Back Religion). Are we willing to obey God whatever he wants from us, or at least ask him to make us willing?

Our motives will never be pure, and we can't wait until they are to do ministry. But it's also important to know we're not pursuing ministry "out of selfish ambition and vain conceit" (Phil. 2:2): because we don't get much praise or recognition for working at home, or because we love the excitement and respect which comes from ministry. This is an area God has convicted me about recently.

2. Work out how much time you need to spend at home.
Easier said than done, I know! I loved Lucy's list, because it's so human: "Aim to have time to read stories, play games, talk, sing, tickle, chase and generally enjoy my kids every day." Like her, I aim to have relaxed time with God, my husband and each of my children every day, on top of home duties.

We all have different responsibilities: some are pregnant or looking after a young baby, or care every day for an autistic child, or are single mums who need to work. We might need to be home 1, 2, 3, 4 or even 5 week days out of 5, to keep on top of managing our homes and caring for our family. I find I need to devote 2-3 mornings a week to home tasks.

3. Allow flexibility and rest.
Yes, we are to work hard, to labour with love, and to use all our energy as we serve our families and advance the gospel (Prov 31:17; 1 Cor. 15:58; 1 Thess 1:3; Col 1:29-29). But God also made us to need rest: rest with him, rest with our families, rest alone; holidays, days off, quiet evenings.

It's sinful pride to think God can't run the world without us while we take the rest he's made us to need. If we ignore danger signals like sickness, exhaustion or depression, a nervous or health breakdown may bring us to a quick stop. Better to be wise, to learn to say "no", and to make time for the regular rest which is an act of trust in God (see CJ Mahaney on sleep).

It's important not to book up every moment - you never know when a child will get sick, or your husband will need help, or someone will drop in. We need room to breathe! I set aside 1 morning a week to pray with good friends, go out for coffee with a neighbour, drop in on someone, or fulfil the extra responsibilities that pop up.

If next year is one of transition for you and your husband (moving home, new job, kids leaving home) try to keep it particularly quiet and flexible, until you've seen what the next stage of life will look like for you. I've been encouraged not to take on any extra responsibilities the year all my kids go to school, and I wish I'd allowed a quieter year in 2008 as I adjusted to the post-baby years.

We also need to be prepared to drop our plans for emergencies (a health scare, a father with cancer), unexpected demands (interstate visitors seeking a place to stay, a friend needing extra support) and family celebrations (an engagement, a pregnancy). Often, the burdens and joys of these fall on us, as wives and mothers. A friend of mine with grown children has learned to work in ministry one less day a week to allow for regular and unexpected family responsibilities.

4. See how much time you have left.
Can I stress again that this will be different for each of us? We all have different situations, personalities, health levels, needs for sleep and rest, husbands, children, gifts and preferences. Some of us live away from family, others have mums who look after our children regularly. Some are introverts who need time alone, other extroverts who are energised by time with people. Some have husbands who want to talk things through with us each evening, others have husbands who encourage us to minister independently. It's so important not to compare ourselves with other women!


5. List the possible ministries you could be involved in.
Here's some questions I ask myself, in order of importance:

• How can I help my husband better in his life and ministry?
• How can I serve more faithfully in my church?
• What do the women and children in my church need? Can I help meet these needs, or look after another woman's children while she meets them?
• How can I help our family reach out to the people in our community - neighbours, kinder and school mums, school children, work colleagues?
• What needs do I see in God's wider church and world which I can help with?
• What ministries are other Christians encouraging me to do?
• What ministries am I gifted in, or do I have a burden for (notice this comes way down the list, after considering need!)?

6. Figure out which ministries are suited to your family and situation.
I do less hospitality of the "having people over for dinner" variety than I would like, because my husband is an introvert who spends all day with people during his ministry job, so needs home to be a quiet place of rest. I stopped taking my children to play-group to reach out to mums, because they were clingy and miserable. On the other hand, my young boys aren't always impressed when I write for an hour each day, which is a cost I've carefully considered, and which may even benefit them as they learn to be independent. Lucy has her own list here.

7. Talk to your husband, and to friends and advisers.
Of course, this will be happening every step of the way, but if we haven't done it already, now is the time to lay our plans before our husbands, seek their advice, and follow their leadership. We need to do this prayerfully, willingly and cheerfully, ready to change our plans if necessary, remembering that God is in control of our marriages and our lives!

God has also placed us in a wider Christian family. We should never make important decisions without seeking the advice and input of honest friends who know us well, or godly Christians who can advise us wisely from God's word. Impressions or burdens about the ministries we feel God has placed on our heart need particular testing - we may be misguided! Others will often see things more clearly than us.

8. Trust God.
We make plans, but we're not in control of our lives. "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps" (Prov 16:9). We have no idea what God has in store for us next year. It may be that he presents us with challenges we're not expecting, and that much of our ministry has to be laid aside. "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that" (Jam 4:15). We are in his hands, which is the best place to be.

I'm thinking about sharing my own decisions about ministry for 2009 in my next post - not sure if I'll bore you or not! - and then that's (more than) enough from me!

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balancing homemaking and ministry (3) questions, questions, questions

I'm starting to feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew with the question of balancing ministry inside and outside the home. With so many wonderful comments from thoughtful and godly women, who have brought up issues I didn't even think of, I'm left with as many questions as answers!

Here are some of the questions you have raised, and some (very) tentative answers from me, which you should feel absolutely free to question!

Is our "first priority" as wives and mums to "meet the needs" of our homes and family? (see here and comments here)
Yes and no. Our "first priority" is always to glorify God and advance the gospel. But if we're wives and mothers, the primary sphere in which we carry out this wider kingdom responsibility is our homes. God calls us to help our husbands, to manage our homes, and to love and train our children, as well as to good deeds, often from the basis of our home (1 Tim 5:9-15; Tit 2:3-5; Prov 31:10-31).

As we work in and from our homes, we're advancing God's kingdom immeasurably, for we're helping Christian husbands in (paid or unpaid) ministry, reaching out to non-Christian husbands, training our children to live as Christians and share the gospel, using our homes and families as a base for ministry, and commending the gospel by our lives. Our families are part of a bigger family, our homes part of a wider world.

Is it helpful to say "until" a woman has cared for the needs of her home, she has no right to tend to outside needs? (see comments here)
Yes and no. It is possible to fail in our responsibilities as a wife and mother for the sake of outside ministry. The grandmother of one of my good friends was out every afternoon and evening leading ministries at her church, and was rarely there for her children: none of them became Christians. This is a temptation for those of us who are activists - like me! - who love to write, teach, and lead groups. If your husband is not cared for, your house is always a mess, and your children are neglected, you may need to do less outside ministry so you can serve Christ at home (cf. 1 Tim 5:8).

But this should never be an excuse for home idolatry. Many of us have the opposite temptation: we delight in the security of home-life, we're frightened of ministry, or we're obsessed with a clean and well-ordered house. If any of these are our temptations, the "until" message is not the one we need to hear! We need to be reminded, as Nicole says here, that we live in the last days, and time is short: "The life we are called to is not a peacetime lifestyle. The gospel is meant to be taken out to the world, as well as passed on to our children."

Should outside ministry ever be done to the cost of home and family?
Here I insert a resounding "Yes!" My friend and her husband have just returned to an insecure and unsafe country as missionaries, even though their young son was very ill last time they were there, because they are driven by the need of the world for the gospel.

Another friend, also a faithful and attentive mother, leads a Bible study for young mums every Friday morning, even though her 5 year old doesn't enjoy going to creche, because it's an important ministry which would fail without her.

My friend with two grown sons worked as a cleaner so her young boys could be with her, even though she was trained for a higher paid career, to give them continuity of care while her husband was away for weeks at a time in pioneering university ministry. These are all good examples of managing the cost of ministry.


Is this really a "cost"?
Yes and no. Does it hurt our children if they have less toys and clothes, or a second-class education, because their Daddy is in a low-paid ministry job? What if their Daddy loses his life because he has faithfully preached the gospel in a country where Christians are tortured and killed for their faith? In temporal terms, our children may lose much, perhaps an immense amount, but eternally, we pray that they will be encouraged to put Christ first and live for him.

It's good for our children to share in costly hospitality, to help us reach out to our neighbours, or to occasionally have less of Mum's attention because she's preparing a Sunday School lesson. God calls us to love Jesus more than our children, but in doing so, we are actually loving our children. Not if we neglect them (for God never calls us to do this) but if they share the cost of kingdom service with us.

Should all our ministries "bless" our families?
Yes and no (again!). As wives, mums and homemakers, we rightly emphasise ministries we do with and for our families. But some ministries may not directly "bless" our families (except in the sense of showing our children how to serve Christ) but may still fit into our lives during certain seasons. It concerns me that we are sometimes encouraged to ask whether a certain ministry "helps" our husband or "enhances and enriches" our family (e.g. in the mostly helpful list in Carolyn Mahaney's Feminine Appeal p.105). Some ministries will directly bless our families, others won't, but this doesn't mean they are always inappropriate.

What kinds of ministries are suitable for wives, mums and homemakers?
It's become clear from our discussion that there are 3 main kinds of ministries we may do.

• Ministries which help our husband. For a minister's wife, this might mean lots of hospitality and jobs around the church; for a missionary, inviting women from another culture into her home; for a couple in secular work, reaching out together to church and community.
• Ministries we do in our homes or with our families (missional motherhood). I think we've all agreed these lead naturally out of our responsibilities as wives, homemakers and mothers, but we may still need to limit how much we do them (e.g. if it means preserving some time to be alone with our husbands or children).
• Ministries done away from our homes (e.g. teaching women) or families (e.g.blogging!). It's ok for these to be done at some cost to our families, for the sake of the gospel and the wider church, as long as our husbands are willing and supportive, but we may need to do less so we don't neglect our families.

I pray that God will give each of us wisdom as we love and serve our families, and reach out to others.

I'm painfully aware that I've only skimmed the surface of all your (and my!) questions and discussions! I'd love to talk more about these issues, but if I did, I'd be neglecting my own family, so I think I'd better wait for another day - which will be a relief given the length of this post! My new computer's not talking to the internet yet, so you may have to wait a few days; but I'd like to discuss how to figure out the balance in practice (clue: I'll be drawing on Lucy's post).

balancing homemaking and ministry (2) some opening thoughts

Nowhere in the Bible will you find a verse saying, "Women should do exactly this much inside the home. Women should do exactly this much outside the home." And isn't that a relief? God doesn't give us a set of rules to obey in this area. This is an issue of wisdom, godly discernment, and freedom.

So the mix will look different for each of us. Our personalities, our husband's preferences, our particular situation, the needs of our children, the context we live in, the needs which surround us: all have an impact on how much, and what, ministry we do outside our home, or from our home.

Our health and energy levels, whether we're introverts or extroverts, our gifts and season of life: nothing exempts us from the responsibility to love those inside and outside our homes, but we shouldn't compare ourselves to other women and feel guilty, judgemental or envious because they are able to do more or less ministry than us.

Let's not forget what a privilege it is even to be asking these questions. How many women in the world are prosperous and unburdened enough to be considering the balance between work, ministry and homemaking? Very few women throughout history have had our smorgasbord of choices.

Women in countries torn by war, famine, or persecution, or those of us who are single mothers, caring for a disabled child, or struggling with a chronic illness, will have far less discretionary time and energy than many of us. Which doesn't mean these aren't good questions to ask: but let's remember what a privilege it is to be asking them.

Let's also remember that even our best-laid plans don't guarantee a perfectly balanced life. We don't know what joys or griefs God has in store for us. My friend was reminded of the temporary nature of our plans when she had a breast cancer scare, her father-in-law died, her son was seriously ill, and both her sons became engaged, within 12 months or so.

I make plans, but I make them knowing they depend on God's providence: next year may look completely different than I imagine (Jam. 4:13-17).

I'm assuming we're all godly women, who want to care for our families and homes, and who also have a heart for people outside our home, so that we long to help other women to grow, serve in our churches, share the gospel with our friends, and reach out to the needy. These are the last days, when there's an urgent need for people to know and grow in Christ.

It's right to want to serve our husbands and children faithfully, and to reach out to the world around us. No wonder we sometimes feel torn between the two! These are godly burdens and godly questions to have.

Tomorrow, I'd like to look more specifically at exactly how you and I might go about making decisions about balancing ministry inside and outside the home.

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balancing homemaking and ministry (1) my journey

Scene 1: child 1

I was a university staffworker, 29 years old, when I became pregnant for the first time. I'd recently finished my history PhD. I'd been married to Steve since I was 21. It took 2 years to get pregnant: and I can't remember ever getting better news! Even better when I saw our beautiful daughter for the first time.

I'd always assumed I'd stay home full-time and care for our children. From full-time study, to full-time university ministry, to full-time homemaking. One child and very little sleep, but I still made it to the main meetings of our uni Christian group. Elizabeth (bless her!) sat quietly while I listened to the Bible talk, or at a table in the caff, munching happily on the snacks I'd brought while I chatted with students or mentored Rachel.


Scene 2: child 2

Six weeks after having my second child, I got the flu, which led to post-viral post-natal post-something depression, and my world feel apart. It wasn't severe, but I cried for an hour or 2 every day for a few months, and it was 2 years before I was physically and emotionally strong again.

As for being involved in ministry, Ben (bless him!) turned out to be a chatterbox, and my days of hanging out at uni meetings were over. I still mentored one girl each year. I was happy caring for our home and family, but feelings of resentment and regret at the ministry I'd given up came and went.

Until the life-changing day I picked up Elizabeth George's A Woman after God's own Heart. It desribed marriage, homemaking and motherhood as a high and noble calling, requiring love, energy, organisation, prayer, self-sacrifice, commitment and contentment. Homemaking was transformed from something I did because that's what I did, to something I could whole-heartedly throw myself into with all my energy. As usual, I threw myself in with such enthusiasm that I burnt out for a while, and didn't read another homemaking book for many years!


Scene 3: child 3

It was our third baby who broke the proverbial back of ministry outside the home. Up to that point I'd managed to mentor one girl each year, but I had no extra time with a 5 year old, a 3 year old, and baby Thomas to care for. None of my children took kindly to playgroup, so my contact with non-Christian mums was limited to school and kinder, and my only ministries were hospitality, leading Sunday School and encouraging mums at church.

I remember the years with baby Thomas, then baby Andrew, as years of contentment as I stayed home and cared for our family. I didn't often resent not having much time for ministry outside the home. Homemaking was something I did with single-minded purpose and enthusiasm: I had learnt, finally, that this is a way we can serve God with all our hearts, caring for the people he has given us to care for.


Scene 4: child 4

An odd psychological shift happened when Andrew turned 2 last year. This would normally be the time I'd be gearing up for another exhausting pregnancy, 9 months of morning sickness, breathlessness and sleeplessness, and months of intense baby care. But there were no more children on the horizon.

Which is where you come in. Dreaming of all the ministry I could do with only 4 children to care for (ha!) the word "blog" flashed into my mind. From blogging to writing, from writing to seminars, from seminars to leading a Bible study, and I'd have to admit (as usual) that I've thrown myself into things a little too enthusiastically. This year, I've learned what it feels like when you get the balance wrong, and your family pays the price for too much ministry outside the home.

So what have I learnt? That helping my husband, loving our children, and caring for our home, is an honourable and joyous profession. That it doesn't matter what training or ministry experience I have, it may be necessary to set these aside for a time, to throw myself into the precious, brief years of young babies and children. That the balance between homemaking and ministry shifts depending on number of children, their age, my health, and our situation. That I need to be very careful how much outside ministry I take on, accept my husband's guidance, and listen to the wise advice of others, so that I have enough energy and time for my home and family.

That's my story so far. Believe me, I'll be planning next year's ministry with greater care and wisdom, but I'll tell you about that in a few day's time, God willing.

biblical womanhood (7) being kind and doing good

Our houses ... should be pleasant havens for our husbands and children, sanctuaries where we offer care and hospitality to other Christians, and gateways from which we extend the gospel to family, friends, and neighbours ... We should be renowned for good works at home, in our churches, and extending into our communities. (Carolyn Mahaney Feminine Appeal pp.114, 128)

This week and next week, I'd like to reflect on how to balance ministry inside and outside the home (yes, I know it's a massive issue, so share your thoughts with me! - and yes, my friend, I'm addressing your question at last).

I thought I'd start by telling you how the word kind in Titus 2:3-5 opened this particular can of worms for me.

It seems to me that teaching on homemaking can sometimes put home and family on a pedestal, to the neglect of the wider church and world. I felt this occasionally with Carolyn Mahaney's Feminine Appeal (I liked Nicole's comments here) although I love how she interweaves good works inside and outside the home in the quote above.

This concentrated focus on home and family concerns me particularly as we come to the word kind.

You see, the word kind in Titus 2:3-5 is from the Greek word agathos. In 89 out of the 102 times it appears in the New Testament, it's translated good. In 2 of these examples, it's describing the good deeds women do, for people outside as well as inside the home (Ac. 11:24; 1 Tim. 5:10). Over and over again, including in Titus, Christians are encouraged to abound in good deeds (Tit 1:16; 2:12-14 and e.g. 2 Cor. 9:8; Gal. 6:10; Eph. 2:10; Col. 1:10; 2 Thess 2:17; 2 Tim 2:21; 2 Tim 3:17; 3 Jn 1:11).

It would surprise me, given all this, if the word kind or good in Titus 2:5 doesn't have a wider focus than the home.

But maybe this wider focus is only for older women. Young women are told to "to marry, to have children," and "to manage their homes" (1 Tim. 5:14). A woman over 60, on the other hand, should be "well known for her good deeds, such as bringing up children, showing hospitality, washing the feet of the saints, helping those in trouble and devoting herself to all kinds of good (agathos) deeds" (1 Tim. 5:10), like Dorcas, who's "always doing good (agathos) and helping the poor" (9:36).

Are young women to be devoted solely to home duties, then as their children become independent, to devote themselves to good works outside the home?

The Proverbs 31 woman, however, famously does it all: she helps her husband, cares for her children, dispenses wise counsel, manages an extended household, makes clothes and linens, oversees servants, runs a thriving home business, speculates in land, plants vineyards, and cares for the poor. But this is an idealised picture, and I assume a woman won't do all of these at once during every season of life (or ever!).

And what about Jesus' statement that "anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me", and "anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me"? Of course, this doesn't negate our responsibility to care for home and family (1 Tim. 5:8), which is the main way we serve Christ if we're wives and mothers. But the radical demands of the gospel will still have an impact on us and our families.

So I'm left with some questions. It's clear that the first priority of a godly wife and mother is to love her husband and children, and manage her home. But it seems that a godly woman will also be known for her good deeds outside the home. I assume that the balance between ministry inside and outside the home will differ according to the season of life a woman finds herself in, but that "kindness" or "good deeds" will always reach out as well as in.

What do you think? How do you prioritise homemaking, and still reach out to people with the gospel, serve in your church, and care for the needy in your community? Should you be expected to do any of these things while you've got young children? Or should you wait until they're all grown up and you have time on your hands? Do you think ministry should only be done when it "blesses" your family? Or will ministry always involve cost for your husband and children? Have you seen any good, or bad, examples of balancing ministry and homemaking in practice? How do you balance ministry inside and outside the home? How are you planning to do this next year?

Perhaps you could give me your ideas today, and I'll give you mine next week.

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biblical womanhood (6b) homemaking

Yesterday, I wrote about some of the obstacles to homemaking: valuing paid work above working at home; being at home but not "busy" at home; and doing other ministries at the expense of home and family.

I know there's a lot more to be said about being a "home worker", but I'm leaving some of it until next week, because I want to reflect on how homemaking and "good deeds" (next week's topic) fit together. The truth is, I'm pretty confused about this issue myself, and I'm still trying to work out how it applies to my life.

In the meantime, here's a few preliminary thoughts on what homemaking is all about. Very hazy and unformed! But I hope you find them useful. I'd welcome anyone's comments or suggestions.

• Homemaking, along with helping our husbands and bringing up our children, is our primary responsibility if we are married with children (Prov. 31:10-31; 1 Tim. 5:14; Tit. 2:3-5). We'll be involved in other ministries as time and the seasons of life permit (and often our home and family will form the basis of these ministries) but home and family should be the focus of our time and energy (more about this next week).
• Homemaking is not home worship. It's possible to prioritise family and home to such an extent that it's not good for us, our husbands, children, church or community (we've all known self-absorbed couples and families, and women obsessed with making their homes beautiful). Jesus is the one we worship, and marriage, family and home are temporary, not eternal (Matt. 10-37-39; 22:30).
• Homemaking is hard work. We're called to be "home workers" not "yummy mummies" (Titus 2:3-5). The Proverbs 31 woman is never idle: she gets up before the sun, goes to bed after the sun, and "sets about her work vigorously" in between (Prov. 31:13-18).
• Homemaking is about managing a home - literally, being a "home ruler" (1 Tim. 5:14). It's a position of authority and responsibility, requiring skill, intelligence, self-discipline, organisation, training, and energy. It means overseeing and managing all the matters relating to the home. You don't need to ask your husband for advice about every tiny thing! It's your job to make decisions and oversee operations.
• Homemaking is a multi-skilled profession. The Proverbs 31 woman cares for her husband and children, provides food, clothes and bed linens from scratch, contributes to the family income, and manages an extended household. For you, homemaking might involve managing finances, fixing things around the house, shopping, planning, cooking, cleaning, mending, organising the calendar: the possibilities are endless!
• Homemaking doesn't exclude or elevate paid work. The Proverbs 31 woman contributes to the family income through making clothes and selling them, trading, buying fields, and planting vineyards. But her home and family come first: she works for their sake, not her own self-fulfilment, and she doesn't work at the expense of her home and family.
• Homemaking is about people. The place serves the people, not the other way around. Your husband's preferences, your children's happiness, the mood of a home, whether it's welcoming to visitors, whether people feel comfortable there: these are all more important than a shining floor or a well-ordered drawer (unless these are important to the happiness and smooth functioning of the family).
• Homemaking will look different for everyone. We all bring our own distinctive personality, preferences, skills and gifts to the job. Some delight in baked goodies, others in choosing paint colours; some prefer neatness, others comfortable clutter; some excel in financial management, others in quilting; some are married to men who like to cook, others to men who don't know one end of a broom from the other: as long as we love and serve the people who live in and visit our home, let's rejoice in our differences.
• Full-time homemaking isn't always possible, even when we would prefer it. I'm not sure a couple doing two full-time jobs to afford a more affluent lifestyle is a good reason for not giving more time to homemaking! But a husband who is sick or unemployed, a wife who is unable to do physically demanding tasks, relational breakdown or single parenting, may mean a woman needs to work full-time, or a husband to fulfil many homemaking responsibilities. Let's not judge others, especially when we don't understand their situation.

How does this apply to single women without dependent children? I'm not sure. You'll hear some people say that single women should focus on preparing for marriage and home, or on nurturing other people's children and creating a home. I'm not convinced, although I'd like to think about this more! The advantage of staying single is to have more time to serve Jesus, although this will be done in a distinctively feminine way. Older widows (over 60) were to teach younger women (spiritual motherhood), and to devote themselves to good deeds, such as hospitality (from a home!), service in the church (while supporting male leadership), and caring for the poor (at the time, this often meant using feminine skills involved in making clothes) - 1 Cor. 7:34; Tit. 2:3-5; 1 Tim. 5:9-10; Ac. 9:36-41. What do you think?"

Next week, we'll be looking at the "good deeds" women are called to do. I'd like to think more about how to balance caring for our families and ministry outside the home during the different seasons of our lives. It's a huge topic, so feel free to jump in now and tell me if you have any thoughts!

image is from stock.xchng

biblical womanhood (6a) busy at home

I was walking the kids in to school when I bumped into the mother of my son Ben's best friend. We don't know each other well, so we talked about our lives and what we do. Inevitably, the question came up: "Do you work?"

This from a mother who works nightshift as a hospital nurse 3 nights a week and dayshift 2 days a week, as well as running one of those homes where, the instant you visit, you're welcomed into a clean house and plied with home-made delicacies.

I responded the way I always do: "No ... I don't work ... I'm at home full-time with children ... we have 4 children, so it keeps me busy (insert sheepish giggle from me)". Awkward silence. End of conversation.

It's a scenario every one of us who cares for our home and family full-time can identify with, isn't it? So why do we feel so embarrassed?I'm leading a women's book club on Carolyn Mahaney's Feminine Appeal. There are discussion questions in the back of the book, and at the end of the first study, the group is given some homework: go home and ask your husband which of the Titus 2:3-5 qualities he thinks you most need to grow in.

Two husbands gave the same answer: "To be busy at home". But when I followed up what they meant, they were said with a quite different emphasis: "To be busy at home." "To be busy at home."

One mum finds it hard to be at home on her own. She's an extrovert, so she gets a bit down when she's alone. She likes to be out at the park or the shops, small children in tow. I remember reading an anecdote from Elizabeth George A Woman after God's own Heart about how she asked her husband for advice on time-management, and he suggested she go out one day a week rather than every day. He didn't say so, but she was grounded!

The other mum is like me: she feels more comfortable being at home. But it's what she does while she's there that's the issue. We all know how easy it is to be at home, but not to be busy. Homemaking is demanding, unlike those 1950's images of happy housewives: you have to be organised, hard-working, motivated and self-disciplined. Yesterday morning, I was downloading some talks to help prepare this series on biblical womanhood, dashing downstairs to my husband's office computer and upstairs to get the kids ready for school, throwing instructions at the kids - "Is your bag packed? Have you put your breakfast bowl away?" - and questions and encouragement to my husband - "Would you like me to make you lunch? I'll pray for your meeting today!" - as I ran past.

At 10 to 9, latest possible leaving time, I was still loading a talk onto my iPod and doing some last-minute unecessary sorting of my iTunes index, when my daughter yelled, "Mum! It's time to go! We'll be late for school!"

I remember another occasion, not all that long ago, when I was working on a blog late in the afternoon, and Lizzy called out, "Mummy! I think you'd better go and get dinner now!"

There's nothing like my 10 year old daughter reminding me of my responsibilities to fill me with shame about the times I neglect my family for "ministry", and the bad example I sometimes set my daughter of how to be a homemaker.
Paid work, a trip to the shops, ministry: good things in themselves, they can all distract us from our responsibility to be "home workers".

Sorry to anyone who got this post in draft form in their reader last Monday!

biblical womanhood (5b) purity: loving your husband sexually

Are you in love with your husband? Not, Do you love him? I know you do. He has been around a long time, and you're used to him. He is the father of your children. But are you in love with him? How long has it been since your heart really squeezed when you looked at him? ... Why is it you have forgotten the things that attracted you to him at first? ...

Your husband needs to be told that you love him, that he is attractive to you. By the grace of God, I want you to start changing your thought pattern. Tomorrow morning, get your eyes off the toaster or the baby bottles long enough to LOOK at him. Don't you see the way his coat fits his shoulders? Look at his hands. Do you remember when just to look at his strong hands made your heart lift? Well, LOOk at him and remember. Then loose your tongue and tell him you love him.

Will you ask the Lord to give you a sentimental, romantic, physical, in-love kind of love for your husband? He will do this. (Shirley Rice, quoted in Ed Wheat, Love Life for Every Married Couple, quoted in Carolyn Mahaney's Feminine Appeal pp.41-42)

I honestly can't remember an evening I've laughed more. We were at a conference, and I was part of a small group of women gathered around a table, having the kind of coversation which only a group of women can have. People who walked past looked at us oddly, wondering what all the laughter was about, but we didn't enlighten them.

The centre of hilarity was a woman who told us (and I have no idea how the topic came up!) that she and her husband have sex every night. EVERY NIGHT! We could hardly believe what we were hearing. Most of us thought that married couples have sex, I don't know, maybe once or twice a week. What was going on here?

Amidst the astonished laughter, there were lots of questions: "Why? How did that happen? Tell us more! Your husband must be very happy!"

She explained, "That's what I thought you were supposed to do. I thought that all married couples have sex every night. So that's what we've always done."


That was the night it dawned on me - and the other women at the table - that what the world tells us - that unless both partners really want it, passionately, right now, sex is an imposition or something close to rape - is nonsense.

That was the night I stopped believing the world's lie that sex isn't loving unless both partners are in the mood. The lie that if you have sex because your husband wants to, when you don't, you're suppressing your feelings, and he is oppressing you, using you to satisfy mere bodily needs. The lie that making love from a sense of duty is unloving.

That was the night I realised that sex is one of the main ways a woman loves her husband. That instead of feeling reluctant and resentful when one of you is in the mood and the other isn't, this is an opportunity for unselfish, loving, joyful, enthusiastic self-giving. That sex is one of the ways a woman cares for her husband, protects his purity, builds his confidence, increases his happiness, and encourages intimacy in their relationship.


That was also the night that I realised the importance of Carolyn Mahaney's A's (not that I'd heard of them yet!) - being Available, Anticipatory, Attentive, Attractive, Aggressive (i.e. eager), Adventurous and (I added this one) Affectionate. Dressing the way your husband likes, sitting close to him when you watch TV, planning for the evening, organising dates and nights away: these are all ways you can love your husband physically.

There was one other thing I learnt that night: that women can encourage one another to love their husbands physically. Not by sharing private stories, or gossiping about intimate details, but by keeping each other accountable. If you're good friends with a Christian woman, or mentoring a younger woman, take the time to ask if she is loving her husband sexually. Pray for one another, encourage one another, and be accountable to one another. This is one of the ways you protect and honour your friends' marriages.

One last thing: there were a lot of happy husbands, and a lot of blessed marriages, after that conference!


Carolyn Mahaney's A's are from chapter 5 in Feminine Appeal and from her talk Being Pure. There's a great discussion of this chapter and these issues in Nicole's EQUIP book club post, and 55(!) really excellent posts on the subject - including times when the wife wants it and the husband doesn't - by Jess at Making Home.

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