what I'm reading: the ethics of elfland

The fairy tales rounded in me two convictions; first, that this world is a wild and startling place, which might have been quite different, but which is quite delightful; second, that before this wildness and delight one may well be modest and submit to the queerest limitations of so queer a kindness.

Fairy tales teach us amazement and gratitude. So said Chesterton. I think he's right.

The world should astound and delight us. It doesn't have to be the way it is. The sun's rising, the green of leaves: every day they should break upon us with with fresh astonishment.

That was the first lesson from fairytales. Here's the second:

The second great principle of the fairy philosophy is that the vision always hangs upon a veto. All the dizzy and colossal things conceded depend upon one small thing withheld. All the wild and whirling things that are let loose depend upon one thing that is forbidden.

In the fairy tale an incomprehensible happiness rests upon an incomprehensible condition. A box is opened, and all evils fly out. A word is forgotten, and cities perish. A lamp is lit, and love flies away. A flower is plucked, and human lives are forfeited.

An apple is eaten, and the hope of God is gone.

Such, it seemed, was the joy of man, either in elfland or on earth; the happiness depended on not doing something which you could at any moment do and which, very often, it was not obvious why you should not do. 

Here's how he applies this principle to sex:

I give one ethical instance to show my meaning. I could never mix in the common murmur of that rising generation against monogamy, because no restriction on sex seemed so odd and unexpected as sex itself.

Keeping to one woman is a small price for so much as seeing one woman.

To complain that I could only be married once was like complaining that I had only been born once. It was incommensurate with the terrible excitement of which one was talking. It showed, not an exaggerated sensibility to sex, but a curious insensibility to it.

Polygamy is a lack of the realization of sex; it is like a man plucking five pears in mere absence of mind.

what I'm reading: the importance of sex from For Women Only

I'm reading a lot of books about sex at the moment! That's because I'm writing an article and seminar on sexual purity.

Last Friday, during my morning off, I read 4 chapters of Shuanti Feldhahn's For Women Only. It's a book which introduces women to the inner lives of men, and is based on hundreds of interviews and surveys, many with Christian men. It's an easy, enjoyable read - although sometimes confronting! - and would be great for a married women's discussion group.

For Women Only gets below the obvious surface differences between men and women to explore what this means in practice: what men wish (and often assume!) their wives understand about them, and how women can better love and care for their husbands. I went away with a renewed appreciation for my husband and the mysterious way his mind works, and with a renewed commitment to loving him in the way he needs.

To whet your appetite (for the book, I mean :) ) and give you some food for thought, here's what Shaunti Feldhahn says about sex.

For your husband, sex is more than just a physical need. Lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him as, say, his sudden silence would be to you, were he simply to stop communicating with you. It is just as wounding to him, just as much a legitimate grievance - and just as dangerous to your marriage ...

Although popular opinion portrays males as one giant sex gland with no emotions attached, that is the furthest thing from the truth. But because men don't tend to describe their sexual needs in emotional terms, we women may not realize that. ...

I believe that most of us aren't manipulatively withholding something we know is critical to our husband's sense of well-being. ... I suspect we simply don't realize the emotional consequences of our response (or lack of one) and view his desire for sex more as a physical desire or even an insensitive demand. ...

Many men - even those with close friendships - seem to live with a deep sense of loneliness that is quite foreign to us ... And making love is the purest salve for that loneliness. ... Your desire is a bedrock form of support that gives him power to face the rest of his daily life with a sense of confidence and well-being. ...

A man can't just turn off the physical and emotional importance of sex, which is why its lack can be compared to the emotional pain you'd feel if your husband simply stopped talking to you.

too tired for ...

Next time you're "too tired", think about the things you're prepared to stay up late for:

- watching your favourite TV show
- finishing that exciting novel
- a night out chatting with a friend
- those emails you need to catch up on
- fill in the blank _______________

Some things are more important than others.

.

Bettina Arndt on sex

It's interesting to see a secular article in a secular newspaper saying the same things about sex which some Christians (and, more importantly, God - thanks for the reminder, Carmelina!) have been saying for years. Here's what Bettina Arndt has to say:

[A] woman on a mothering website ... suggests that women put sex on the to-do list ... Hang on a moment. Isn't that suggesting that women just do it? That sometimes they have sex when they are not in the mood? The very suggestion runs into a massive ideological roadblock. Women's right to say "no" has been enshrined in our cultural history for nearly 50 years. It was one of the outstanding achievement of the women's movement to outlaw rape in marriage and teach women to resist unwanted advances. But it simply hasn't worked to have a couple's sex life hinge on the fragile, feeble female libido. The right to say "no" needs to give way to saying "yes" more often. ...

The case is best made by a letter I received ... "If sex is mutual, when both people want it, that's wonderful. If one partner wants sex and the other doesn't but offers it as a gift, that too is pretty darned good. But my first wife regularly refused, complaining about my unreasonable demands. Sometimes she begrudgingly complied, which made me feel like a thief, as if I had stolen something that was not rightfully mine. Sex was rarely mutual and never a gift. ...

"Rose, my second wife of seven years, has a demanding job as a manager. Nevertheless, she has never said 'no'. She has never used the headache defence, never been too tired. Always, she makes sex a gift if she is not in the mood herself. Often she find herself enjoying the moment. She does this because she cares about me, about my feelings and my needs. In my case, I'm sure you can guess the outcomes. If I notice Rose is run down and tired, seldom will I reach for her, other than to give her a cuddle. If she is not well, I look after her, tuck her into bed and either read or veg out in front of the TV ... I am far from the perfect husband, but I do love and care for her, not because I am a wonderful bloke, but because her so very obvious caring for me can lead to little else other than reciprocity."

Sam makes it sound simple. But it seems extraordinary that sex is treated so differently from all the other ways in which a loving couple cater to each other's needs and desires. We are willing to go out of our way to do other things to please each other - cooking his favourite meal, sitting through repeats of her beloved television show. Why, then, are we so ungenerous when it comes to "making love", the ultimate expression of that mutual caring?

You'll find the rest of the article, an excerpt from Bettina Arndt The Sex Diaries, in today's Good Weekend.

a hoax

As some of you may have suspected, the quote in Saturday's post was a hoax, as Tom pointed out to me - but what a good one! I guess it really was too good (bad!) to be true. But I'll still be giving it to young brides to read to show them exactly what not to do ...

some advice to ignore on marital sex

Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride
On the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God

by Ruth Smythers, beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers, Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church of the Eastern Regional Conference

Published in the year of our Lord 1894, Spiritual Guidance Press
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life.

On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex. At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, but it is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.

It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man. Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency. Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction. Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.

By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.

Apparently it's a hoax (thankyou Tom!) but this quote still had me giggling when I heard it in Carolyn Mahaney 's talk Being Pure. I think I'd give it to a bride-to-be - if you do nothing it says, and everything it says not to do, you should be right!

biblical womanhood (5b) purity: loving your husband sexually

Are you in love with your husband? Not, Do you love him? I know you do. He has been around a long time, and you're used to him. He is the father of your children. But are you in love with him? How long has it been since your heart really squeezed when you looked at him? ... Why is it you have forgotten the things that attracted you to him at first? ...

Your husband needs to be told that you love him, that he is attractive to you. By the grace of God, I want you to start changing your thought pattern. Tomorrow morning, get your eyes off the toaster or the baby bottles long enough to LOOK at him. Don't you see the way his coat fits his shoulders? Look at his hands. Do you remember when just to look at his strong hands made your heart lift? Well, LOOk at him and remember. Then loose your tongue and tell him you love him.

Will you ask the Lord to give you a sentimental, romantic, physical, in-love kind of love for your husband? He will do this. (Shirley Rice, quoted in Ed Wheat, Love Life for Every Married Couple, quoted in Carolyn Mahaney's Feminine Appeal pp.41-42)

I honestly can't remember an evening I've laughed more. We were at a conference, and I was part of a small group of women gathered around a table, having the kind of coversation which only a group of women can have. People who walked past looked at us oddly, wondering what all the laughter was about, but we didn't enlighten them.

The centre of hilarity was a woman who told us (and I have no idea how the topic came up!) that she and her husband have sex every night. EVERY NIGHT! We could hardly believe what we were hearing. Most of us thought that married couples have sex, I don't know, maybe once or twice a week. What was going on here?

Amidst the astonished laughter, there were lots of questions: "Why? How did that happen? Tell us more! Your husband must be very happy!"

She explained, "That's what I thought you were supposed to do. I thought that all married couples have sex every night. So that's what we've always done."


That was the night it dawned on me - and the other women at the table - that what the world tells us - that unless both partners really want it, passionately, right now, sex is an imposition or something close to rape - is nonsense.

That was the night I stopped believing the world's lie that sex isn't loving unless both partners are in the mood. The lie that if you have sex because your husband wants to, when you don't, you're suppressing your feelings, and he is oppressing you, using you to satisfy mere bodily needs. The lie that making love from a sense of duty is unloving.

That was the night I realised that sex is one of the main ways a woman loves her husband. That instead of feeling reluctant and resentful when one of you is in the mood and the other isn't, this is an opportunity for unselfish, loving, joyful, enthusiastic self-giving. That sex is one of the ways a woman cares for her husband, protects his purity, builds his confidence, increases his happiness, and encourages intimacy in their relationship.


That was also the night that I realised the importance of Carolyn Mahaney's A's (not that I'd heard of them yet!) - being Available, Anticipatory, Attentive, Attractive, Aggressive (i.e. eager), Adventurous and (I added this one) Affectionate. Dressing the way your husband likes, sitting close to him when you watch TV, planning for the evening, organising dates and nights away: these are all ways you can love your husband physically.

There was one other thing I learnt that night: that women can encourage one another to love their husbands physically. Not by sharing private stories, or gossiping about intimate details, but by keeping each other accountable. If you're good friends with a Christian woman, or mentoring a younger woman, take the time to ask if she is loving her husband sexually. Pray for one another, encourage one another, and be accountable to one another. This is one of the ways you protect and honour your friends' marriages.

One last thing: there were a lot of happy husbands, and a lot of blessed marriages, after that conference!


Carolyn Mahaney's A's are from chapter 5 in Feminine Appeal and from her talk Being Pure. There's a great discussion of this chapter and these issues in Nicole's EQUIP book club post, and 55(!) really excellent posts on the subject - including times when the wife wants it and the husband doesn't - by Jess at Making Home.

images are from stock.xchng

biblical womanhood (5a) purity and lust

A few years ago, I was in a remote part of the world, alone with the owner of an idyllic island. As the days went by, he became more attentive and more attractive. It was an extremely pleasant sensation. I was enjoying myself greatly. My work required me to be there and my head insisted that I was above temptation. But I'm not. The Bible tells me so.

Consequently I knew I must leave urgently. I did. By the grace of God, I didn't commit adultery. Not then and not yet. But, it's there in my heart biding its time. Jesus said that makes me as bad as the worst offender. Happily, because I have always been taught that I am capable of adultery, I've always been on my guard against it. After all, it doesn't start when you jump into bed with your lover, but months, years earlier, when you tell yourself that your friend understands you better than your spouse. (story retold in Carolyn Mahaney's Feminine Appeal, p.87)

When I was 6, I fell in love for the first time, with a lion, Aslan. When I was 8, I fell in love with a horse, the Silver Brumby. When I was 10, I fell in love with a human, Aragorn. In each case, there was a worshipful inner homage to their nobility, courage and gentleness, which I recall with great clarity. When I was 13, with the first stirrings of puberty, I fell in love with Tom Burlinson in The Man From Snowy River: a less spiritual, more visceral attraction.

And there, in miniature, were the seeds of female lust: 90% personality and 10% physicality (no doubt the proportion is reversed for many men). Which of us hasn't read a book, followed a TV series, or watched a movie, and felt our heart beat faster at the sight of a Mr. Darcy or a Mr. Knightly? (I know, I'm going a bit Jane Austen here, but we all understand the pull of the costume drama.) It requires no great level of physical attractiveness: give us a man with strength, sensitivity and good dress sense (ok, now I'm being silly - aren't I??) and we are lost.



We may not think of this as "lust", because it doesn't fit the male stereotype. But to allow our emotions to be drawn to a strong, sensitive character in a TV show, and our minds to play with the idea of a man who would understand and care for us, is no less lustful than a man desiring a woman's body. And, of course, the unstated implication is always there (for those of us who are married) - surely this man would listen to me, sympathise with me, and love me better than my husband.

Women's thoughts also often fit more recognisably into the category of "lust". Women, not just men, watch pornography, fantasise about sex scenes, and admire the bodies of those they're not married to. In these days of equality, advertising images play lingeringly over the male as well as the female form: women are being trained in the school of lust.


I think it's time women stopped talking as if impure thoughts are a "male" problem. The result of this is that women become too embarrassed to talk about their struggles openly, because they expect others to be shocked and horrified, so they never seek help and counsel from other women. They feel completely alone, struggling with a problem that no other woman - surely! - has ever struggled with, instead of a temptation which is "common to [wo]man" (1 Cor. 10:13). Unadvised and uncounselled, women fall ripe from the tree into the open hands of lust.


Let's borrow a few weapons from the male armoury. I asked my husband how he counsels guys who are struggling with these issues, and here's some of his suggestions:

• Be accountable to someone you trust (guys often use Covenant Eyes). A godly older woman is likely to be completely unshocked when you tell her about your problem.


• Pray for the person you're attracted to. This will help you think of them as a real person in need of God's grace, not an object of desire.


• Replace impure thoughts with God's word (nothing like a Bible passage repeated in the head to drive unhelpful thoughts far away!).


• Fight tough and smart. Flee temptation. Avoid situations, books and shows which you find tempting (Matt. 5:27-30).


• If you're married, learn to be satisfied with your partner (Prov. 5:19). Work on those tender thoughts we talked about recently.


• Be wise. Being alone in a room with a man who's not your husband, even if it's for something "spiritual" like prayer or counsel, is likely to damage your reputation, and lead you both into danger.


• Don't think you're above temptation. The women whose story heads this post is an absolute inspiration: she admitted adultery was possible for any of us, and ran away as fast as she could.


• Be ruthless. Don't entertain those intruding thoughts for a second, however pleasurable they might be. Be holy, as God is holy (1 Pet. 1:16).


• Realise that emotional closeness, especially for women, is the first step to physical closeness. Don't commit emotional adultery. Avoid intimate conversation with a man you think is a "good listener". Reserve your closest friendship for your husband.


• Don't flirt. It's easy to do this in subtle ways: through immodest dress, intimate conversation, and inviting smiles. Be aware of the impact of your behaviour on yourself and others.


• Help your husband with his own temptations. Pray for his purity. Dress attractively, organise nights away, be physically affectionate: these things help him to see you as a sexual person, not just a "wife" or "mum", and help his thoughts not to stray to others. Forgive him when he fails, remembering that you are also guilty of sexual sin.


• If you're married, keep each other satisfied sexually (more about that later this week).

I'd love to hear from anyone who has some other good ideas about how to battle lust, both for single and married people.

some images are from stock.xchng

4 ways sex helps your husband

Four reasons to love your husband by caring for his physical needs: it increases his

• confidence in family, ministry, and work;
• closeness to and communication with you;
• contentment with life and his marriage;
• commitment to sexual purity.

And guys, here's a hint: it works in reverse for women. If you nurture qualities like your wife's confidence and contentment, she will find it much easier and more enjoyable to initiate and respond to physical closeness.

This was taken partly from what people told me about the talks by Philip Jenson and Caremelina Read at Equip ministry wives, and partly from conversations with men and women.

The Briefing gets cheeky

I want to draw your attention to a wonderful article in this month's issue of The Briefing. It's Katie Stringer's "Wives and lovers", one of those short "Couldn't help noticing" articles at the front of the magazine.

I love The Briefing, I read it every month with anticipation and pleasure, but I must admit it sometimes feels a bit "boy's clubbish" to me (am I the only one?) - you know, serious, masculine, and a bit self-conscious. So it was refreshing to read this article, which burst like a firework into the sometimes sober world of The Briefing.

Smart, sassy, femimine, fun, witty, light-hearted, but also thoughtful, challenging, thought-provoking, and thoroughly Biblical, this article made me think, repent and giggle, all at once!

Should be read by every married woman who sometimes struggles to meet (or to want to meet) her husband's physical needs. Also by anyone else whose curiousity was piqued by the last sentence. That's you, right?

Well done, Katie, keep up the good work!