archives: 15 things God has taught me about self-control

One of the best things about blogging is that the "you" of the past gets to encourage the "you" of the present. Sometimes when I read an old post, I've forgotten the wisdom God taught me back then, and it encourages me all over again!

This happened the other day when I noticed a link to my posts on self-control over at in tandem (thanks Nicole!). I clicked on it, out of interest to see what I wrote about this topic, and discovered these practical tips on self-control. I found them helpful, so I'm sharing them with you.

We could all do with more self-control.

Perhaps you battle your temper daily, indulge in too much TV or novel reading, or are regularly tempted to look at pornography. Perhaps you have lost control of your spending, give in to gossip or slander, or sleep too long each night. Perhaps you seek comfort regularly in something other than God, whether alcohol, food, or caffeine. ...

Here are some small things I've learned about self-control:

• Expect the first week when you're "kicking the habit" to feel completely impossible. Maybe you've been eating for comfort for years, or rushing to check your inbox every spare moment. It's become like a drug for you, and your body and mind miss it when it's not there. You'll feel acutely uncomfortable every time you say "no" for a few days ... or weeks!
• Expect this to be followed by a rush of victory to the head. At some point (many points!) you'll think "I've nailed it!" You'll go into a shop, sure you can resist this time; or buy a block of chocolate, believing you can limit yourself to a couple of pieces each day. Ha! You're a better person than me if you can over-confidently expose yourself to temptation and win.
• If at all possible, cut temptation off at the root. "If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away" (Matt. 5:29). Pornography? Use Covenant Eyes. Shopping? Only shop when absolutely necessary; avoid sales; take a detailed list, even for sock shopping; shop with someone else.
• The struggle will get easier ... then it won't. You'll get sick of fighting the same battle day after day. The novelty will wear off. You'll start to wonder what the point is. Some weeks will feel easy, some impossible. A time of sickness or sorrow may plunge you back into the thick of it again. Don't give up!
• Remember that self-control in one area spreads to other areas. Eating or sleeping too much may seem insignificant. It isn't. Self-control has muscles: practise in one area, and your muscles get stronger for other battles.
• Habits grow with every tiny tidbit. When you feed a habit, however insignificantly, it grows in power. Choose to feed a good habit, not a bad one, and watch it grow.
• Don't be a legalist! Rules breed despair. When you don't keep rules, it's easy to think "I'm hopeless!" so you give in and fail spectacularly. Instead, think "Oh, well, I stuffed up today, but that doesn't mean it's not worth trying again tomorrow." Sensible, flexible self-discipline, which bends when necessary, is more useful than rules, as I discovered here.
• Instead, remember the law of love (Rom. 13:10). I find it helpful to ask at each point, "What would be a loving decision to make right now? Would eating this / buying this / reading this benefit my family and those around me?"
• When you fail, remember you are already perfect in God's eyes. He forgives you ... and forgives you ... and forgives you again. His Son died for you. Don't throw that back in his face! Weep, enjoy his grace, get up, and go on. Learn to live in the centre of his grace.
• Get some weapons for the fight! Memorise relevant Bible passages and verses. Repeat whenever necessary.
• Pray. It is God's Spirit who enables you to obey! Pray daily for God's help in the particular area you struggle with.
• Don't fight alone. Ask another Christian to help you fight. Call them once a week for an update. Be honest with them. Ask them to pray with you, and for you.
• Make sensible use of the world's resources. Exercise, go for a walk, take a cold shower. Whatever it takes, within reason.
• The temptation won't go away. This life is a battle. Expect it to last to the end. But expect joy along the way, too! What a joy it is to discover God's grace in our sin, God's power in our weakness, and God's comfort in our discouragement.
• It's never too late to learn to exercise self-control. I struggled despairingly with over-spending for more than 15 years. If God can help me to begin to overcome this problem, he can help you.

And one extra hint from this post which I quoted here:

• Practice self-denial. Learn to say no to your feelings. Learn to do what you know to be right even if you don’t feel like doing it. Sometimes it’s even beneficial to deny yourself things that are acceptable to have, like a doughnut in the morning or dessert after dinner. Exercising such self-restraint helps you develop the habit of keeping other things under control. Cultivating discipline in the physical realm will help you become disciplined in your spiritual life.

If you have serious physical addictions to alcohol or drugs, the issues will be more complex. An excellent book to read is Edward Welch's Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave which gives a Biblical view on how to overcome addictions. I highly recommend it!

image is by allison marisa from flickr

archives: John Piper on idolatry, the essence of evil

"My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water" (Jer 2:13).

God pictures himself as a mountain spring of clean, cool, life-giving water. The way to glorify a fountain like this is the enjoy the water, and praise the water, and keep coming back to the water, and point other people to the water, and get strength for love from the water, and never, never, never prefer any drink in the world over this water. ... That is how we glorify God, the fountain of living water.

But in Jeremiah's day people tasted the fountain of God's grace and did not like it. So they gave their energies to finding better water, more satisfying water. Not only did God call this effort futile ("broken cisterns that can hold no water"), but he called it evil: "My people have committed two evils." They put God's perfections to the tongue of their souls and disliked what they tasted; then they turned and craved the suicidal cisterns of the world. That double insult to God is the essence of what evil is.

So preferring the pleasures of money or power or fame or sex over the "pleasures ... at [God's] right hand" (Ps 16:11) is not like preferring caramel to hot fudge. It is a great evil. Indeed it is the ultimate meaning of evil. Esteeming God less than anything is the essence of evil.

from John Piper When I Don't Desire God 33-34 my emphasis

images are by @4. and Paul Ponraj at http://www.flickr.com/

15/9/2009

archives: it's a bird! it's a plane! no, it's Super Froggy!

We call him "Froggy". He calls himself "Super Froggy".

We say, "Hey Andy, you're cute!" He says, "No I'm not. I'm Super Froggy!"

Super Froggy can jump "vewy, vewy high".








Don't worry: despite appearances, Super Froggy never hurts himself. He's been jumping since he could walk.

23/10/2009

archives: when a child isn't interested in Christianity

"I don't want to read the Bible anymore!"

Mother and daughter look at one another, one a smaller version of the other: straight blonde hair, fine nose, pretty features. The only difference is the mulish expression on the daughter's face.

She lies on the bed and turns her back, hunched over to express the maximum amount of disapproval. Her mother looks at her in exasperation.

Every night she sits beside her daughter's bed and reads the Bible, and every night her daughter listens. Until tonight.

The choices flash through her head. Get angry. Insist her daughter turn around. Keep reading.

She keeps reading.

"Well, you can refuse to listen if you want, but I'm reading the Bible to you anyway."

For an entire year they follow the same pattern: stubborn face, turned back, reading voice. She can picture the words flowing out of her mouth, around her child's back, across her closed ears. A year of reading to a back.

Until one day her daughter turns around.

The choices flash quickly through her head. Say something. Smile. Keep reading.

She keeps reading.

***

This is the true story of a mother I know, and her daughter, now grown, loving and serving Jesus.

A mother who trusted God's word enough, and who was wise enough, to gently persist without comment and without giving up. A mother who knew her responsibility, who wasn't scared of her child, who knew what her daughter needed. A mother who excelled in faithfulness.

I've been wondering what to do when your child doesn't seem very excited about God.

Now I know.

19/7/2009

archives: burnout (2) recovery

You'll remember that I found myself on the edge of burnout half way through last term. I stopped the relentless pace, but my discouragement and anxiety persisted for a second endless month.

Here's what I learned: it takes time to recover from burnout.

You don't go suddenly from overwhelmed and exhausted to peaceful and rested. It takes time for your body to heal. It takes time for your emotions to recover. It takes time to (re)learn how to rest.

During this time, depression and exhaustion are common companions - and, according to Arch Hart, healing companions. I've never thought of depression or exhaustion as something to be celebrated! Mostly, they're not. But sometimes (like that dreary 2 days at the beginning of a holiday) they can be the first sign of recovery.

So I accept the persistent despondency (no, I don't, I actually hate every moment of it, furiously navel-gaze about why it's happening, and struggle with self-pity, grumpiness and despair). I pray and wait for God to restore my joy. I welcome the moment, (4 weeks later!) when my mood starts to lift, my muscles begin to untense, and my mind relaxes.

That's where I'm at now. I'm still a little shell-shocked and bewildered. I'm rethinking my priorities. I'm spending precious half hours lying on the couch and watching the wind bend the branches of the gums (my surprised daughter asks, "Why are you lounging on the couch, Mummy?!" "Lounging" - that's what!). I've rediscovered the joy of short, simple quiet times reading the Bible and praying without the burden of a seminar to prepare, and the pleasure of unpressured time with my kids (ah, the blessing of timely school holidays!).

So what have I learned? (Ah, yes, the moment when it's all distilled into a life lesson.) You know, I'm not sure I want to give you 4 points to go away with, as if life is that simple. It's easy to wait until something is over, and then to produce pious platitudes, forgetting how hard and confusing it was at the time. And (as you've noticed!) I didn't feel able to write about it when I was in the middle of it. The fact that I can write about it now shows that my mind is springing back to its normal shape.

Here's some random reflections. God is ever, ever faithful. Depression - however mild and ill-deserving of the name! - is horrible and bewildering and overwhelming, and I can't even begin to imagine how awful severe depression is. It's right for me to fight for joy in God, but it's God who restores joy in his own timing and in his own way.

Rest is God's good gift, and I neglect it, and try to do everything, at my peril (newsflash: I am not God). I'm newly grateful to God for my family and holidays and my couch. I'm not about to stop serving God with all my energy (Col 1:28-29) but my energy levels are less than I would like them to be.

My final conclusion? I've got some hard decisions to make about the many ministries in my life. Please pray for me as I make them.

images are from whatmegsaid and Tomas Rotger at flickr

30/9/2009

archives: burnout (1) descent

I've been feeling discouraged and anxious for about 8 weeks now, ever since the plunge into exhaustion and despondency after my last seminar (remember that?).

My mood is finally lifting, as I remember how to relax and rest again, thanks in part to Arch Hart's Adrenalin and Stress - thanks Carmelina for the recommendation! - but also and completely thanks to God's mercy and perfect timing.

I had a relatively quiet term 1, but a crazily busy term 2 (which I thoroughly enjoyed, by the way, with nary a moment of anxiety or despondency. An answer to prayer? Yes, but perhaps also the protective high of adrenalin). I could have recovered, but I'd booked the year so thoroughly that there was no time to take a break.

Like a shopaholic in a clothes store (believe me, I know what that feels like!) I find it hard to say "no" when I'm offered a ministry opportunity. It feels exactly the same, with the same internal dialogue. "Yes, I'll have that, please! I know I shouldn't, but I can't resist! This opportunity won't come knocking another time!"

So I was planning to head into yet more writing and teaching during terms 3 and 4, plus some extra caring for people to make up for what I couldn't do during term 2; but my energy and enthusiasm packed up and I could barely care for our family, let alone add extra responsibilities.

Apparently (says Arch Hart) this is the normal result of trying to run on adrenalin for too long. Eventually it runs out, and you can't muster the energy to face anything. It makes sense, but it feels pretty awful.

Half way through term 3, after weeks of feeling like there was a lead weight in my guts and a panicky, jittery band around my middle, I went to a seminar on burnout (I was still racing from engagement to engagement). In God's perfect timing it was just what I needed to hear. Symptoms of burnout? Here they are:

• a sense of being drained emotionally
• a reduced sense of personal accomplishment
• a sense of depersonalisation, of distance and disconnection in relationships

All disquieteningly familiar.

I asked Janet Reeves,* who was leading the seminar, what to do if you've already agreed to too many engagements during the coming months and can't pull out.

Her answer? "Eat humble pie. Tell the organisers you're nearly ill with stress, and ask if you can cancel the engagements."

My (internal) response? "Yeah, right, like I'd ever do that." I meet my responsibilities. I hate disappointing people. I'm the conscientious one. Without that, I'm not sure who I am.

One week later, and I'm shooting off 2 emails to explain the situation and to ask if I can possibly cancel a talk and seminar. Predictably, the organisers kindly and graciously agree to put off the engagements for another time. A weight lifts from my shoulders.

My despondency doesn't lift.

Tune in next week for the next exciting installment in the story of me. ;)

*Janet Reeves lectures in pastoral care at BCV. She drew much of her material on burnout from BCV lecture notes and Peter Brain's Going the Distance.

images are by rachel_titiriga at flickr

22/9/2009

archives: overcoming the isolation of modern suburbia

Did you know that Australians now live in houses that are double the size of those they lived in 50 years ago? Did you know that the average Australian has 6-9 people in their house during one year?

We live in expensive, isolated splendour. The overseas students we meet through my husband's university ministry say that most visitors from other countries return home after years of study or work never having entered an Australian home. Most Australians live next door to people who never set foot inside their front door.

Modern suburbia eerily parallels CS Lewis' description of hell in The Great Divorce, as Ben Pfahlert pointed out during his talk on Philippians 1 at last weekend's MTS Challenge Conference Victoria. CS Lewis' words as he describes the "grey town" of hell are almost prophetic:

I seemed to be standing in a busy queue by the side of a long, mean street. ... I had been wandering for hours in similar mean streets, always in the rain and always in evening twilight. ... I never met anyone. But for the little crowd at the bus stop, the whole town seemed to be empty. ...

'It seems the deuce of a town,' I volunteered, 'and that's what I can't understand. The parts of it that I saw were so empty. Was there once a much larger population?'

'Not at all' said my neighbour. 'The trouble is that they're so quarrelsome. As soon as anyone arrives he settles in some street. Before he has been there twenty-four hours he quarrels with his neighbour. But before the week is over he's quarrelled so badly that he decides to move. Very likely he finds the next street empty because all the people there have quarrelled with their neighbours - and moved. If so, he settles in. If by any chance the street is full, he goes further. But even if he stays, it makes no odds. He's sure to have another quarrel pretty soon, and then he'll move on again. Finally he'll move right out to the edge of town and build a new house. ...

'They've been moving on and on. Getting further apart. ... Astronomical distances. There's a bit of rising ground near where I live and a chap has a telescope. You can see the lights of the inhabited houses, where those old ones live, millions of miles away. Millions of miles from us and from one another. Every now and then they move further still.'

As the bus in the story rises in the air, and the grey town spreads out below from horizon to horizon, it's modern suburbia I'm seeing from an aeroplane window in my mind's eye.

It should be different for us as Christians - but is it? My friend and her husband, who work with overseas students, aim to have 100 unbelievers in their home every year! Her example and Ben's talk challenged me to choose compassion over control, comfort and convenience, and to work harder at overcoming the splendid isolation of the modern home.

brenner_ron and icopythat from flickr

27/8/2009

archives: anxiety-proofing your child

My daughter Lizzy (10) was having an anxious morning.

She'd been away from school for 2 weeks, and was returning to school carrying an enormous eye-catching poster for a project which was late (necessarily!). She was worried that other children might stare at her on the way into school, and that she might be the only child presenting her project to the class that day.

It was one of those golden opportunities for teaching your child how to deal with anxiety. So often, I miss these opportunities altogether. Here's how it went the other day - or how I would have liked it to go! Actually, I forgot point 1 altogether, and forgot point 5 until 10 minutes after our conversation!

1. sympathise
"Yes, it's really hard when you're worried about people looking at you because you're doing something different, isn't it? I don't like people looking at me, either."

2. bring God's truth to bear on the situation
"It doesn't matter what people think of you. What matters is what God thinks of you, and he loves you in Jesus."

3. bring common sense into the situation (replace catastrophic thinking with more realistic thinking)
"The other kids probably won't even notice or think it's odd anyway. Your teacher knows the project will be late - I told her the other day. It's unlikely she will ask you to be the only child presenting your project today."

4. get prepared for the most difficult outcome
"If you were asked to give your project, you actually know the topic pretty well by now! You could say ..."

5. pray
"Would you like to pray together about what's worrying you?"

6. follow up
"Are you feeling any less anxious now?" (She was! If she wasn't, I guess I would have talked about being courageous in the face of our fears - if I'd thought of it!)

7. hug
Well, that's what happened next, anyhow!

Just a little snapshot of life, and how I'm trying to teach my children the same lessons I'm learning about turning to God in our anxieties and putting our trust in him.

(She didn't have to do the presentation - nor was she the only child carrying her project into school! - that day.)

image is from treblig at flickr

23/7/2009

archives: coping with difficult seasons (2) attitudes

Yesterday I talked about some of the practicalities of coping with difficult seasons as a wife and mother. But just as important - in fact, far more important! - is what's going on in our hearts. How do we fix our eyes on Jesus during these times? How can we find time to pray, if we can barely find time and energy to breathe? How can we trust God when our hearts are heavy?

1. cry out to God, ask others to pray for you
God wants us to cry out to him when things get tough (Ps 88). Only he can give us the strength to go on. Tell him how you feel. Ask him for help. Ask others to pray with or for you, especially if you're having trouble praying.
2. realise that time with God will be limited but is still important
I know how tough it is to spend regular time with God when you've got a new baby or the kids are sick! Sometimes this is because we aim too high. Try for 5 minutes: put your Bible, a prayer list, a book of helpful reflections and a set of memory verses in a bag and grab one when you've got a spare moment. When you're sitting feeding a baby or cuddling a child, perhaps you could quickly pray or repeat a Bible verse you've learned. Christian music and talks or the Bible on MP3 are good ways to get input during difficult times. Don’t wait until you’re coping: come to God messy.
3. understand that suffering is part of life
We’re often surprised at how tough life is – at least I am! But it shouldn't surprise us (1 Pet 4:12), for suffering is part of this fallen world. God never minimises our suffering. Suffering hurts. Suffering is real. Sleep deprivation (and sick kids and stressful times and sadness and …) are suffering.
4. understand that God is in control
That might not feel all that comforting right now! But your loving, heavenly father is in control, and he is good and gracious (Job 1:20-21, 2:10). Nothing comes to us except from his loving hands (Heb 12:7-11).
5. understand how suffering reveals your heart
Times of suffering are times when God reveals our hearts (Deut 8:2, 1 Cor 10:1-15, Jam 1:13-15). If I get irritable when I'm over-tired, that's my heart talking, not the suffering! The suffering just shows what was already there. But there’s hope …
6. understand how suffering helps you grow
God uses suffering to make you more like Jesus, even when you can’t see it and you feel discouraged by your sin (Rom 5:3-5). You'll look back on those times and realise that you've grown in hope, joy, love and patience: I know, I've been there, although there were times I wondered if I'd changed at all!
7. try to serve cheerfully
Remember that it's Jesus you're serving (Col 3:23-34) when you serve that annoyingly sleeping husband, that baby who's just dirtied the 4th nappy in a row, or that child who's just woken you again. Count to 10 before you say anything! Try to speak words of patience and kindness - with God's help.
8. remember it will end
God doesn't tempt us beyond what we can bear, although it often feels like it! (1 Cor 10:13) This time will last as long as it needs to and no more. It will come to an end, if not now, then in eternity.
9. fix your eyes on Jesus
Jesus is the one who endured all things for your sake. He endured suffering with patience (1 Pet 2:21-25). He knows your struggles and sympathises with your weaknesses (Heb 4:14-16). He's praying for you right now (Heb 7:25). His Spirit is within you, praying for you and helping you to be godly (Rom 8:26-27, Gal 5:16-25). Suffering can't separate you from his love (Rom 8:31-39). One day you'll enjoy perfect rest with him forever! Now that sounds good.

* You'll find some great suggestions for spending time with God when you have a new baby at growing with a newborn by Cathy at The Best Book Co-op.

images are from stock.xchng

16/7/2009

archives: coping with difficult seasons (1) practicalities

The women in my Bible study have been going through a difficult time recently. Every family has had a run of illnesses, from colds to gastro and flu. Most of the women are suffering from sleep deprivation, with young children and babies waking up many times a night. This post is for them - and for you!

We all have to cope with busy, difficult seasons of life. Pregnancy brings persistent nausea (don’t I know?!), aches and pains, and sleepless nights. New babies come with constant demands, breastfeeding difficulties, and those 3 or 6 o'clock moments when you’re forced out of bed feeling like you’ve been hit over the head with a sledge-hammer. Older children catch gastro, colds and flu, and generously pass them around the family. PMS can cause despondency or anger every month. Grief, sickness and depression steal time and energy from the rest of life.

How do you cope as a mother and homemaker during those times? Here’s some ideas.*

1. do only what’s necessary
The main thing is that your family has something to eat and wear. If you've fed your family off clean plates and put clean(ish) clothes on their backs, you've done what needs to be done.
2. simplify your tasks
Order take-away, take clothes to the laundromat, use the dryer, pay for a cleaner if you can afford it. If you must clean, clean only what you can see or smell.
3. let the real priorities surface
Care for your husband, cuddle your kids and let the rest slide. Dust balls and dirty sheets won't kill you. People matter more than places and things!
4. do what works
When I have a new baby I often let guilt do the talking: “I should settle my baby this way.” “Breast is best.” There are no rules in the Bible about these things! Do what works for you and your family. You might need some help to set up routines or encourage a child to sleep (feed-play-sleep is a simple and flexible approach) but remember these are just suggestions which may or may not work for you.
5. do the next thing
It's hard to drag yourself through your tasks when you're feeling sick, exhausted or discouraged. You don't have to do everything: just do one thing. Often that will get you moving so that you can do the next. But just one thing is good!
6. be prepared
This isn't always possible, of course! But if you know a difficult time is coming - a new baby, an absent husband - plan how you'll cope. Cook meals, or ask someone else to cook meals, and freeze them (a personal favourite!). Ask for help in advance. Work out what you'll do (e.g. call a friend) when things get tough. Organise babysitting or company if you need help with managing hormone-driven emotions. You need to do these now, while you’re thinking clearly!
7. sleep when you can
If your new baby or sick child is sleeping, it's probably not the time to be racing around tidying. Get some sleep, put your feet up or go for a walk.
8. ask for and accept help
You weren't made to do it alone! Ask your husband to do the shopping. Ask a family member to vacuum your loungeroom. Ask a friend to cook some meals. Accept help when it's offered. God made you to be part of a community which serves one another: have the humility and wisdom to accept help.
9. trust God for the things that don’t get done
This is a great opportunity to remember that you’re a creature, not the Creator, and to learn to depend on God. Don't expect to be able to do everything: you're not God. Trust God for the things you have no time for.

* I've taken many of these ideas from these helpful posts, which you might like to read:
Carolyn Mahaney and daughters A Busy Woman's Survival Manual, managing busy seasons and busy time survival
Jess' post collected thoughts for new moms from Making Home
Nicole's post when my kids are sick from 168 hours
my post sleep deprived mamma from in all honesty

images are from diathesis & oksidor at flickr

16/7/2009

archives: pride - a personal reflection

There's been great fuel for pride in my life recently. I led a couple of seminars during the last month, and they were received beyond my hopes and expectations. You know the kind of thing: glowing recommendations, people telling me how I'd affected them (or, hopefully, how God's word affected them!), and invitations to more teaching opportunities. Humanly speaking, it was a dream come true.

I went for a walk and prayed the other morning. I wept. I sat on my rock (actually, it was a neighbouring rock!) and poured out my heart to God. I could feel pride and selfish ambition creeping up on me, and I was determined to stand against them.

I sat and reflected on my insignificance. God doesn't need me. He can further his kingdom without my help. He can raise up the people he wants, when and where he wants. When I've gone to be with my Lord, others will take my place. How gloriously superfluous I am!

We are none of us necessary. Or look at it another way: we are all equally necessary to one another. No fingers boasting over toes in this body!

The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honourable we treat with special honour. ... Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. 1 Cor 12:12-27

My tears of repentance were replaced with tears of wonder and joy, as I thought about God's unshakeable plan to glorify his Son (Eph 1:3-14): a plan that he graciously involves me in, but which doesn't need me in it.

I said to God, "I am yours. You may take it all away tomorrow, and that is okay, your kingdom will go forward. You may choose for me an obscure life serving a sick husband or a disabled child, and that is okay, your kingdom will go forward. I may die tomorrow, and that is okay (no, that is best!) and your kingdom will go forward."

You'll sometimes hear people say, "It's not about you". They're right. It's not about me. It's about God and his glory.

If God chooses to use me to further his kingdom, I will praise him. If he chooses to use someone else to further his kingdom, I will praise him. For "neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow" (1 Cor 3:7).

11/8/2009

archives: teaching the Psalms to our children

Picture my husband and I sitting side-by-side on the couch in the semi-darkness, watching a DVD. There's the patter of little feet on the floorboards. A plaintive voice says, “Mummy, I'm scared, I can't sleep!” And as always, there's the same response: “Do you want me to pray with you?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, snuggle up and we'll pray.”

It's at these moments that I'm grateful that I've taught our children some Psalms. For as I send them back to bed, I encourage them to say Psalm 23 or 121 out loud to themselves, or, in the case of my six-year-old son, to sing one of the hymns I sing every night by his bedside. I'm passing on my own weapon against fear: as a young adult, I used to lie awake, still fearful about things that go bump in the night, but with no comforting parents watching TV in the next room, and I would repeat Psalm 23 into the darknesss.

I hadn't considered that my children are part of a tradition that stretches much further back than one generation until I heard David Walter's talk on Jonah 2 at the recent MTS Challenge Victoria conference. You won't find this part of Jonah's story in a children's Bible; it's the long prayer that Jonah says while he's inside the fish. But it's probably the most relevant part of the story for children.

Jonah cries out to God for help at his very darkest moment, while inside the smelly cave of a fish's innards. But he doesn't use his own words; he prays a series of scattered lines from the Psalms—smatterings of remembered knowledge. He prays the great prayers of God he learned as a child.

When children in Israel were taught to pray, they were taught the prayers of Israel—the Psalms of the Bible. They committed the Psalms to memory. They learned the great prayers of God, and were given words to speak their own prayers.

I'm inspired by Jonah's example to continue the task I began many months ago—to teach my kids passages from the Bible while their memories are still fresh and receptive. We do it in the easiest possible way: on the mornings we get around to it (!), we read a passage out loud together. After a month or so, we all know it, from five to 40-year-old—with no testing, no pressure, no tears.

I want to soak my children's hearts and minds in the Bible. I want the word of Christ to dwell in them richly (Col 3:16). I want God's word to spring to mind when they're tempted to follow their friends into sin, when they're feeling sad and alone, and when they're anxious and afraid. I want to give them words for their prayers so that they pray prayers after God's own heart. I want God's great prayers to fill my children's minds when things go bump in the night.

reprinted from my post "Teaching the psalms to your children" published on Sola Panel last week

image is by Amydeanne from flickr

16/9/2009

from the archives: submission in practice

It took me many, many years of marriage to understand what submission might look like in practice. Every time I asked for advice, I was told "I believe in headship and submission, but I can't explain what it looks like." Coming originally from a feminist position, and with little guidance and few examples, I could have done with some more specific suggestions!

So what I'm doing today is sharing some examples of what the practice of submission might look like. The details will be different in every marriage, but one thing is certain: submission is an attitude which affects everything - thoughts, feelings, words, actions - every moment of every day.


Submission affects our thoughts and feelings. It means that when I think of my husband, I'll reject critical, bitter, resentful, unforgiving thoughts. Instead, I'll choose to think of him with respect and love. I don't mean I'll refuse to see his bad points! Often, because I've married a sinner, what will be demanded of me is not blind approval, but patience and forgiveness. But I'll also choose to rejoice in the times he exercises his leadership wisely, and when he fails, I'll trust in the God who has chosen this man to be my husband, remember my own sin, respect his role even when I'm struggling to respect him, and respond with forbearance and grace.

Submission affects our actions in small things. This was the first expression of submission which made sense to me. It means I (try to!) honour my husband's preferences: keeping the kitchen bench clean, filling the kettle (I kid you not!), or wearing my hair long. For you, it will mean other things: de-cluttering the loungeroom, welcoming your husband with a kiss, or keeping track of what you spend.


Submission affects our words. It changes the way we talk to our husbands, and to others (children, friends, our mothers) about our husbands. I don't mean we'll speak with humble deference: there's lots of teasing, laughter and robust discussion in my marriage, which won't surprise anyone who knows us! But I've learned not to nag or boss my husband into doing things, not to complain about him to others, and not to always offer my opinion when we're leading a group together - and I'm learning to be careful of how I speak to him in front of others.

Submission affects our response when our husbands ask something of us. Elizabeth George taught me (and I in no way live up to this!) to respond first with a "yes", and only then with a "but have you thought of ...?, when my husband asks something of me. "Yes", I'll gladly come and help you with that. "Yes", why don't we do that together on the weekend. "Yes", let's consider those ministry plans. Without noticing it, I'm often automatically set to "no", or at least to "sigh".

Submission affects decisions about our own lives. It affects how we spend our money, use our time, and make our plans. Recently, God has convicted me about two areas which I think are key for many women: spending and scheduling. Steve's an easy-going guy who doesn't throw his weight around, and it's been easy for me to take advantage of that as I manage our finances and plan my calendar. This year, I'm seeking his guidance on our budget and my plans for next year.

Submission affects how we respond to our husband's leadership. It's hard to graciously acknowledge and receive someone's authority. It's far easier to openly rebel, or to resist in more subtle ways: patronising our husbands, doing things behind their backs, or surreptitiously trying to exert control. Instead, we'll build up rather than tear down, obey when it doesn't mean disobeying Christ, and support, encourage and pray for our husbands as they lead our family.

Submission affects how we influence our husbands. There's definitely a place for wise counsel, good advice, and honest discussion (Prov 31:26). But there will also be times when words are ineffective or unwelcome. The primary way we influence our husbands, especially when words fail, is through our prayers, the godliness and reverence of our lives, and the way we honour and seek their leadership (1 Pet 3:1-7). Definitely not through sulking, nagging, manipulating, seeking revenge, or complaining!

Submission affects how we accept our husband's care. I've often observed in my own and others' marriages a tendency to be unwilling to receive compliments graciously, to welcome embraces, to hear encouragement, to enjoy sentimental expressions of affection, to accept protection, or even to allow a husband to open a door for us. We're independent modern women - we don't like to be looked after! This might be something we need to learn.

Submission affects how we use our time and energy. Instead of lavishing our time and energy on ourself and our dreams, we'll give ourselves first to helping our husbands, caring for their needs, and supporting their work and ministry. I don't think we should put our husbands on a pedestal, or that our lives should revolve around them - this wouldn't be good for either of us! Christ is our first husband, God's glory our first goal, and the gospel our first priority. But our husband will come next on the list, we'll be careful about how our ministry and relaxation affect him, and we'll work as a team, when possible, to reach out to God's world.

But what if my husband doesn't want to lead? This is a question which often comes up when I talk to married women. Since Genesis 3:16, many wives love to take over, and many husbands lazily abdicate responsibility. We may need to repent of our tendency to want to run things, ask for our husbands' advice and input when it's not offered, and gently encourage them to take greater responsiblity in leadership. I think this is one piece of encouragement most husbands would welcome! If this continues to be a major problem in your marriage, it could be helpful to talk together to a godly pastor.

But what if I'm in a difficult marriage? If God expects wives of unbelieving husbands to honour and obey their husbands (1 Peter 3:1-7) then he expects no less from those of us in difficult Christian marriages. There are no "if ... then ... " clauses when it comes to love and submission (I'm not talking about situations where it's appropriate for a wife to leave her husband, in cases like abuse and adultery). I know this is hard to say, and harder still to practise, and requires far more than a brief paragraph! Our comfort is that God knows our situation, that he watches over us and loves us more deeply than any husband ever could, that we honour him by our faithfulness in a difficult situation, that he promises never to test us beyond what we can bear, and that he gives us grace and strength when we have none of our own.

I know the things I say are not easy for many of us to hear, and for any of us to practise. But don't we love God's word, and trust him to want only what is best for us? I pray that he will help you and me to come to the Bible ready to have our minds changed, to listen to his voice even when we find it hard to hear, and to ask him for the will and grace to obey.

I've found, over the years, that submission has changed from something I reluctantly practice through gritted teeth and with resentment, to something I've grown into, as its true beauty and freedom have become apparent to me, and as God's grace has worked in the hearts of my husband and me. I hope and pray you find the same.

from the archives: submission in attitude and action

What do headship and submission in marriage look like in practice? How do you define such a thing? For every marriage is different: submission has "as many expressions as the relationships it finds itself in".* It's even harder to describe what submission looks like when we see it so infrequently.

What I can tell you, after 20 years of learning how to be married, is that headship and submission can be beautiful, like a dance where the dancers know their places.

I can't imagine a relationship more lovely than that of Christ and the church. What could be more beautiful than a lover who finds a woman lying in her filth, washes her, adorns her, and lays down his life to win her (Ezek 16:1-14)? Or a woman who, having been loved with such devotion, gives herself freely and willingly to the one who died to win her? The parallel is not exact, but if human marriage is anything, it is a faint and pale copy of this everlasting marriage.

From before eternity, God planned men and women to mirror forth this divine love affair. And so he made man to work, to plant, to build and to tend, and woman to help, to bear children, to nurture and to care (Gen 1-3). He made husbands to love their wives with a self-sacrificial devotion which honours, cherishes and protects, and women to support their husbands with a love which honours, helps, reverences and yes, submits, gladly and willingly, every day and in everything (Eph 5:1-7).

You might hear people saying "The husband's job is harder". Yes, it is hard - it is desperately hard! - to sacrifice your own preferences and goals and desires for your wife. But it's equally hard to submit, for it goes against not only our culture, but also our sinful desire to run life our own way, and our familiarity with our husband's sins and failings. Submission has been hard since the day the first man and woman fell into sin, and swapped peace for a relationship where each would seek to dominate the other (Gen 3:16).

So what do headship and submission look like in practice? I'm not going to say a lot about headship, except that it demands that husbands care for their wives' needs before their own, treat them with respect and consideration, and enable them to become all they were meant to be. God never tells men, as you might expect, to rule, to command, or to demand submission from their wives. In a culture where this would have been normal, he instead turns to wives, as free and equal partners, and tells them to willingly and graciously submit.

It's easier to say what submission doesn't look like than what it does look like. It doesn't mean "mutual submission", as if sacrifice and submission are two sides of the one coin, for God demands quite different things from husbands and wives. Nor does it mean you'll pack up your brain and put it away, obey your husband when he asks you to cheat or act immorally, or never advise or influence him. Or how could women married to unbelievers freely put their trust in Christ, serve God with reverence and purity, or win their husbands for Christ (1 Pet 3:22-33)?

When you ask people what submission looks like, they'll often say "It means that if you have to make a big decision, and your husband and you disagree, he gets to make the decision." Whatever submission means, it means more than that. Submission affects everything, every moment of every day (Eph 5:24). "Submission is an attitude, but it's an attitude which has to be expressed."*

Submission affects the way we think, feel, speak and behave. It's an inner quality of the heart - a state of trust, reverence, honour, gentleness, quietness, purity, and respect - which is beautiful to God (1 Pet 3:1-6). But it doesn't stop with the heart. Like all true attitudes, submission is an attitude which leads to action.

Whatever else submission is, it's not easy. Our husbands are imperfect, and so are we. Even in a loving marriage, submission will go against every fibre of independence in our being. Submission is only possible because God's Spirit works in us moment by moment, making us more like Christ, filling us with his humility, gentleness, quietness, and trust.

I'm sorry to leave you hanging, just when I'm about to get to the nitty-gritty of the practice of submission, but this post is too long already. In the meantime, perhaps you'd like to share with us what you think submission looks like in practice.

* These quotes are from Claire Smith's talks Won without a word and The divine marriage, from her series Different by Design. I owe much of what I say, but none of my clumsiness of expression, to her.

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from the archives: submission strong and beautiful

Submission is beautiful. Submission is strong. Submission is not a dirty word.

Submission is beautiful. It makes us like Jesus, who gladly submits to the will of his Father (Jn 8:29). It makes us like Christ's glorious bride, the church, who joyfully submits herself to the Husband who laid down his life to win her (Eph 5:22-33). Its beauty is seen in every Christian who obeys God willingly, in every child who honours their parents, in every safe and ordered society. It springs from the unchanging, inner beauty of a "gentle and quiet spirit", one of God's most precious treasures (1 Pet 3:4).

Submission is strong. Only those who are confident in themselves, or (better!) in God, don't need to throw their weight around. Sarah left her home and follow her husband Abraham on the journey of faith to an unknown country, because she trusted in God and didn't give way to fear (1 Pet 3:5-6). Only women with a big picture of God - a God whose eternal purpose in making men and women was to display the love between Christ and the church, and who works every circumstance for our good and his glory (Rom 8:28=29) - are able to submit with trust and joy.

Submission is not a dirty word. We honour submission in Jesus, in Christians, in children. But when it comes to marriage, we have a mental block. When the "s" word comes up in a talk or a Bible reading, it makes us squirm with embarrassment.

The word "submission" may bring to mind mental pictures of a (perfectly dressed) housewife taking (perfectly baked) biscuits out of her (perfectly polished) stove, or the "little wife" who brings a "masterly man" his slippers and pipe, or the human doormat who has denied her own intelligence and personhood to say "yes" to everything her husband asks, however demeaning or stupid.

My own journey to seeing the beauty of submission was a long one. I don't remember thinking much about submission in marriage as a child. As a teenager at a girl's school, the idea would probably have seemed repellent. During my Arts course, I became a thorough-going feminist. Steve, who is now my husband, was also a feminist in those days.

I only accepted submission as God's will for marriage after much study, conversation and heart-searching. I debated every side of the issue with wise Bible teachers, read books representing different points of view (the most memorable and influential being Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood), and spent many hours studying the Bible passages on men and women (Gen 1-3, 1 Cor 11:2-16, 14:26-40, Gal 3:28, Eph 5:22-33, Col 3:18-19, Tit 2:3-5, 1 Tim 5:14, 2 Tim 1:5, 3:14-15, 1 Pet 3:1-7).

Despite all the debates, in the end it seemed to me (and to Steve!) that the Bible is actually very clear: "Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything" (Eph 5:24). You have to jump backwards through many exegetical hoops to get it to say anything else.* So we made the good old promises of love and submission at our wedding.

Even then, with not many models of submission in marriage to imitate, and few older, godly women who practise submission to teach me the practicalities, it's taken many years for me to understand what headship and submission look like in a healthy marriage.

These days, I find young Christian women much more willing to accept the idea of submission. But they are still confused about the practice. One of the questions I'm asked most often by young women is "What exactly does submission in marriage look like?" In a day or two, I'd like to write about the practicalities of submission in marriage.

* I know I've left acres of questions unanswered. This isn't the place for a huge theological debate. If you'd like to follow the issues up for yourself, can I suggest you start by listening to Claire Smith Different by Design. She is fair, thorough, compassionate, and well thought out. She answers the various objections to submission logically and well. And if you'd like to talk more about what I discovered about the Bible's teaching on submission, feel free to contact me, or write in the comments.

from the archives: being kind and doing good

An ongoing issue for me - both when I wrote these posts, and now, over a year later - is how to maintain a healthy balance between ministry inside and outside the home. You'll find an extended discussion about this issue in balancing homemaking and ministry. The following post is where it all started.

Our houses ... should be pleasant havens for our husbands and children, sanctuaries where we offer care and hospitality to other Christians, and gateways from which we extend the gospel to family, friends, and neighbours ... We should be renowned for good works at home, in our churches, and extending into our communities. (Carolyn Mahaney Feminine Appeal pp.114, 128)

How should we balance ministry inside and outside the home? ... I thought I'd start by telling you how the word kind in Titus 2:3-5 opened this particular can of worms for me.

It seems to me that teaching on homemaking can sometimes put home and family on a pedestal, to the neglect of the wider church and world. I felt this occasionally with Carolyn Mahaney's Feminine Appeal (I liked Nicole's comments here) although I love how she interweaves good works inside and outside the home in the quote above.

This concentrated focus on home and family concerns me particularly as we come to the word kind.

You see, the word kind in Titus 2:3-5 is from the Greek word agathos. In 89 out of the 102 times it appears in the New Testament, it's translated good. In 2 of these examples, it's describing the good deeds women do, for people outside as well as inside the home (Ac. 11:24; 1 Tim. 5:10). Over and over again, including in Titus, Christians are encouraged to abound in good deeds (Tit 1:16; 2:12-14 and e.g. 2 Cor. 9:8; Gal. 6:10; Eph. 2:10; Col. 1:10; 2 Thess 2:17; 2 Tim 2:21; 2 Tim 3:17; 3 Jn 1:11).

It would surprise me, given all this, if the word kind or good in Titus 2:5 doesn't have a wider focus than the home.

But maybe this wider focus is only for older women. Young women are told to "to marry, to have children," and "to manage their homes" (1 Tim. 5:14). A woman over 60, on the other hand, should be "well known for her good deeds, such as bringing up children, showing hospitality, washing the feet of the saints, helping those in trouble and devoting herself to all kinds of good (agathos) deeds" (1 Tim. 5:10), like Dorcas, who's "always doing good (agathos) and helping the poor" (9:36).

Are young women to be devoted solely to home duties, then as their children become independent, to devote themselves to good works outside the home?

The Proverbs 31 woman, however, famously does it all: she helps her husband, cares for her children, dispenses wise counsel, manages an extended household, makes clothes and linens, oversees servants, runs a thriving home business, speculates in land, plants vineyards, and cares for the poor. But this is an idealised picture, and I assume a woman won't do all of these at once during every season of life (or ever!).

And what about Jesus' statement that "anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me", and "anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me"? Of course, this doesn't negate our responsibility to care for home and family (1 Tim. 5:8), which is the main way we serve Christ if we're wives and mothers. But the radical demands of the gospel will still have an impact on us and our families.

So I'm left with some questions. It's clear that the first priority of a godly wife and mother is to love her husband and children, and manage her home. But it seems that a godly woman will also be known for her good deeds outside the home. I assume that the balance between ministry inside and outside the home will differ according to the season of life a woman finds herself in, but that "kindness" or "good deeds" will always reach out as well as in.

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from the archives: homemaking

Yesterday, I wrote about some of the obstacles to homemaking: valuing paid work above working at home; being at home but not "busy" at home; and doing other ministries at the expense of home and family. ...

Here's a few preliminary thoughts on what homemaking is all about. Very hazy and unformed! But I hope you find them useful. I'd welcome anyone's comments or suggestions.

• Homemaking, along with helping our husbands and bringing up our children, is our primary responsibility if we are married with children (Prov. 31:10-31; 1 Tim. 5:14; Tit. 2:3-5). We'll be involved in other ministries as time and the seasons of life permit (and often our home and family will form the basis of these ministries) but home and family should be the focus of our time and energy (more about this next week).
• Homemaking is not home worship. It's possible to prioritise family and home to such an extent that it's not good for us, our husbands, children, church or community (we've all known self-absorbed couples and families, and women obsessed with making their homes beautiful). Jesus is the one we worship, and marriage, family and home are temporary, not eternal (Matt. 10-37-39; 22:30).
• Homemaking is hard work. We're called to be "home workers" not "yummy mummies" (Titus 2:3-5). The Proverbs 31 woman is never idle: she gets up before the sun, goes to bed after the sun, and "sets about her work vigorously" in between (Prov. 31:13-18).
• Homemaking is about managing a home - literally, being a "home ruler" (1 Tim. 5:14). It's a position of authority and responsibility, requiring skill, intelligence, self-discipline, organisation, training, and energy. It means overseeing and managing all the matters relating to the home. You don't need to ask your husband for advice about every tiny thing! It's your job to make decisions and oversee operations.
• Homemaking is a multi-skilled profession. The Proverbs 31 woman cares for her husband and children, provides food, clothes and bed linens from scratch, contributes to the family income, and manages an extended household. For you, homemaking might involve managing finances, fixing things around the house, shopping, planning, cooking, cleaning, mending, organising the calendar: the possibilities are endless!
• Homemaking doesn't exclude or elevate paid work. The Proverbs 31 woman contributes to the family income through making clothes and selling them, trading, buying fields, and planting vineyards. But her home and family come first: she works for their sake, not her own self-fulfilment, and she doesn't work at the expense of her home and family.
• Homemaking is about people. The place serves the people, not the other way around. Your husband's preferences, your children's happiness, the mood of a home, whether it's welcoming to visitors, whether people feel comfortable there: these are all more important than a shining floor or a well-ordered drawer (unless these are important to the happiness and smooth functioning of the family).
• Homemaking will look different for everyone. We all bring our own distinctive personality, preferences, skills and gifts to the job. Some delight in baked goodies, others in choosing paint colours; some prefer neatness, others comfortable clutter; some excel in financial management, others in quilting; some are married to men who like to cook, others to men who don't know one end of a broom from the other: as long as we love and serve the people who live in and visit our home, let's rejoice in our differences.
• Full-time homemaking isn't always possible, even when we would prefer it. I'm not sure a couple doing two full-time jobs to afford a more affluent lifestyle is a good reason for not giving more time to homemaking! But a husband who is sick or unemployed, a wife who is unable to do physically demanding tasks, relational breakdown or single parenting, may mean a woman needs to work full-time, or a husband to fulfil many homemaking responsibilities. Let's not judge others, especially when we don't understand their situation.

How does this apply to single women without dependent children? I'm not sure. You'll hear some people say that single women should focus on preparing for marriage and home, or on nurturing other people's children and creating a home. I'm not convinced, although I'd like to think about this more! The advantage of staying single is to have more time to serve Jesus, although this will be done in a distinctively feminine way. Older widows (over 60) were to teach younger women (spiritual motherhood), and to devote themselves to good deeds, such as hospitality (from a home!), service in the church (while supporting male leadership), and caring for the poor (at the time, this often meant using feminine skills involved in making clothes) - 1 Cor. 7:34; Tit. 2:3-5; 1 Tim. 5:9-10; Ac. 9:36-41.

What do you think?

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