online meanderings

Why we shouldn't settle for God's unconditional love - God's love is better than unconditional. David Powlison. 

The right time God - "Don’t mistake God’s patience for His indifference...His timing is right...Thank God He is not swayed by my complaints."

Double dangers: maximising and minimising mental illness - David Murray continues a fascinating series on the dangers of "illness" and "sin" categories when we speak about issues like depression.

How to interview a missionary in church - From a missionary (she ought to know!).

Teenagers want their parents around (but will never admit it) - So very true. Be prepared for work as hard as the baby years - in a good way.

Suffering, ministry, pride, tears and repentance - An honest, helpful post by Macca.

I dare say the greatest earthly blessing that God can give to any of us is health, with the exception of sickness. Charles Spurgeon

All of this real, messy, stinky, painful, joyful and plain-old ordinary life is under God's care. Deb

To see more links, click here (Facebook) or here (Twitter).

the very good job of motherhood

Motherhood involves a lot of driving for me at the moment.

Yesterday, I drove to Ben's school four times. Each trip, there and back, took at least half an hour. The morning trip, through traffic and a detour around local roadworks, took an hour. The last trip included an hour at the local doctor's.

All this driving was necessary to get Ben, who suffers from chronic headaches, to and from school so he could get through his first day of term 2. (He had a wonderful day, by the way, headache and all; praise God for his answer to prayer!)

Ben, being the sensitive child he is, apologised for taking up so much of my time; and I, being the good mother I am ;), answered, "Don't worry, darling, I don't mind at all."

Except, of course, part of me does mind. I mind the frustrations of driving through traffic. I mind the hours I could be doing something else. I needed to be reminded why this is something I shouldn't mind.

So, to myself as much as to my son, I said, "Benny, this is my job. If I was working in an office, I'd be driving, running errands, and they'd be much more pointless than this. You are my job. You and Lizzy and Thomas and Andy are my job. The house is my job. Helping your dad is my job. That's why I don't do paid work at the moment, so I can do this job."

My words spoke to me. They shifted my perspective. They reminded me that, yes, I have a job, and it's an important one, and one that I love.

And yes, I'd like more time to do ministry outside the home (at the moment, I'm limited to a frustratingly inadequate half-day a week). And yes, I'm aware that one day, soon, I might need to start working for part of the week and earn some extra money. But right now, especially with Ben so sick, this is my full-time job.

This is my job. It's a good job: helping Steve, caring for our kids, managing our home. Let me never forget that! Let me never forget how much I would miss it if I didn't get to do this. Let me never forget that, in doing this ministry-at-home, I love and serve Jesus.

Next time I'm stuck in traffic, driving my kids to or from school, I'll try to remember that.

what I'm reading: When God Weeps - part 1 - God's character in suffering

I am reading the most wonderful book - Joni Eareckson Tada and Stephen Estes' When God Weeps - and wondering why no one recommended it to me sooner.

Maybe God was saving it for this time. I'm so glad he did!

When I suffer, I need someone to weep with me. I need, at least at some level, to understand. I don't need evasions and empty words, but comfort and true hope.

So far (I've only read the first section) this book gives me these in abundance:

• It's beautifully written in colourful, fresh prose that surprises and moves me with God's truth (you'll love this retelling of Jesus' death).
• It's honest about just how bad suffering can be. It doesn't pretend things are better than they are, but weeps with those who weep.
• It's full of true, tested comfort because it's written by someone deeply experienced in suffering: quadriplegic Joni Eareckson Tada.
• It's thoughtful and biblical. Co-author Stephen Estes handles the difficult doctrine of God's loving and sovereign purpose in suffering with clarity and accuracy.

Here's a quote I read, and knew immediately I would post. Every word spoke deep into my need.

First, despite Christ's compassionate death for our sins, God's plan - not plan B or C or D, but his plan - calls for all Christians to suffer, sometimes intensely. To encourage us, he may write some light moments into the script of our lives - he may include adventure or romance. An amusing situation will get us chuckling, and an occasional twist of plot may delight us to tears, for God loves to give. But without fail, some scenes are going to break your heart, some of your favourite characters will die, and the movie may end earlier than you wish.

Second, God's plan is specific ... He screens the trials that come to each of us - allowing only those that accomplish his good plan, because he takes no joy in human agony. These trials aren't evenly distributed from person to person. This can discourage us, for we aren't privy to his reasons. But in God's wisdom and love, every trial in a Christian's life is ordained from eternity past, custom-made for that believer's eternal good, even when it doesn't seem like it. Nothing happens by accident... not even tragedy... not even sins committed against us.

Third, the core of his plan is to rescue us from our sins ... God cares most - not about making us comfortable - but about teaching us to hate our sins, grow spiritually, and love him. To do this, he gives us salvation's benefits only gradually, sometimes painfully gradually. In other words, he lets us continue to feel much of sin's sting while we are headed for heaven. This constantly reminds us of what we're being delivered from, exposing sin for the poison it is. Thus evil (suffering) is turned on it's head to defeat evil (sin) - all to the praise of God's wisdom.

Last, every sorrow we taste will one day prove to be the best possible thing that could have happened. We will thank God endlessly in heaven for the trials he sent us here. This is not Disneyland - it is truth.

Quote is from Joni Eareckson Tada and Stephen Estes' When God Weeps p. 56, emphases in bold mine.

mental illness, depression, and self-harm

My friend wrote a beautiful, brave, thoughtful piece about her battle with mental illness. It's so helpful that I decided to share it here with her permission. Here's what she says:

At my wedding last month, everybody in my life saw my arms exposed, many for the first time. They, like other parts of my body, bear slivery silver lines all over them - scars that speak of my history.

Now that it's out there, ... rather than it being this awkward shameful thing, I want to talk, and break the stigma a little. I also want to share some reflections on my condition that may be helpful to others who find themselves in a similar situation.

I have an extensive history of battling with mental illness, and it is not over...I don't know if it ever will be in this life. It is something the doctors believe I was born with - problems in my brain. I've battled with my mental condition for as long as I can remember.

My condition is always there...lurking...waiting to rear its ugly head. And sometimes I feel like that is all I do: wait. When things are good I live in wait of the next episode, and when things are bad I am just struggling to get to the next day, the next moment; waiting for it to end.

I struggle with severe depression, self-harm, and suicidal tendencies. I have, by the grace of God alone, made it through many plans to kill myself. These days I am on medication and in very regular therapy with my psychologist and psychiatrist, and ... I am able to function, and for that I am unceasingly thankful, but the condition is still a part of my life.

There is a lot of confusion about mental illness. People think it's just a cry for attention, or an inability to take control of your thoughts or emotions...true mental illness is more than this. It's not just being a bit sad or needing a break. At my worst I have been unable to do anything...not just less motivated, but lying in bed not having eaten, showered or cleaned anything for a week...wanting to die. Not reading. Not watching movies. Not dozing peacefully. Just lying there, in mental anguish.

Depression is hard work, and it is a pit ...

There are as many different stories of depression as there are people who have experienced it. Some depression is related to problems in life. Some of it is about negative thinking. Some of it is self-centred, and other times it is completely rational in light of circumstances. For me, however, depression is an anomaly. 

When I sought help, the concern was that I was a positive-thinking person who was in fantastic life circumstances, yet I was still depressed. The problem for me is that my thoughts, circumstances and emotions do not line up. ... One of the key roles of my medication is to put my mind back in control of my emotions. When I think negative things, I feel bad. When I think positive things, I feel good. Normal. It doesn't always accomplish this, but that is the idea. A lot of the time it does a pretty good job of it.

One of the things I've had to rectify within myself is the place of depression, and mental health issues in general, within a Christian worldview. I do personally believe that most problems, including most manifestations of depression, are best treated with Biblical counselling by mature Christians. The Gospel is the balm for all our wounds. 

Yet in my circumstances there is nothing to counsel. My thinking is sound. My circumstances are great. What to do there? And to answer that question I considered other mental illnesses. Nobody would suggest treating bipolar or schizophrenia with Biblical counselling alone. There clearly are illnesses of the mind which are not about sinful thinking. In my case, the doctors were convinced that it was this sort of physiological condition we are dealing with. 

I decided, after examining my heart and my thinking carefully to look for sinful patterns (of course my thinking isn't perfect...but there are no patterns of harmful thinking, and it does not seem to be tied to my depression) I decided to trust the doctors and try medication. This confirmed things the most for me. 

The medication dealt with the problems in my brain and dramatically improved things extremely quickly. Normally they just free up a person to work on what needs to be changed, but in my case the doctors see it as just enabling me to go about my life less hampered by my condition. The fact that they did this so well, they took to confirm their suspicions. Again, I decided to trust them on that.

This has proved best for me. Normally I would be very very cautious about jumping to medication for mental illness; we are an over-medicated society. However, when I was fearing for my life at my own hands I was prepared to try anything: and the doctors proved trustworthy. I don't say this to advocate medication or suggest that anyone else should go on meds.

The key things I have been carefully meditating upon throughout the treatment of my condition are these:

Jesus is my Saviour: Medication, and the medical field, are not. While medication helps me get through my life, I know that the answers to every problem of this world lie with Christ. I don't take medication to mask problems or 'save me' in any sense. I don't go to secular psychologists and psychiatrists expecting them to have the deepest answers for the problems of this world.

Mental illness is an illness that needs to be treated. ... Mental illness is tricky, and medication is not always the answer, but in some cases it is necessary and vital.

God is in control of my suffering. I fully believe that God has allowed me to struggle with mental illness for a reason ... I believe that He is using it to make me more like Christ. I don't seek secular help to outrun this or try to outsmart God. He is also in control of how well my medication works on any given days. I still have to deal with my condition daily, and trust His grace for each moment.   

Good things come from my suffering. I have learnt many lessons from my mental health struggles that could not have been more effectively taught. One of the most important is this: I am utterly dependent on Christ. ... Mental illness takes the bottom out of your world. There is no room left for trusting yourself. This sends me to the foot of the Cross daily. We all rely on God's grace to make it through the day - but when I'm in bed unable to get up, or battling suicidal ideations, it becomes abundantly clear just how much I rely on Him. I rely on His strength for every breath.

Not everything is a result of my mental condition. One of the things I, as a mentally ill person, must carefully guard against, is the tendency to excuse every sin in my heart, mind, and behaviour as a by-product of my illness. I am a sinful being, and that is not my brain's fault....it is my fault. I am a rebellious sinner by nature, and Jesus paid for that on the cross.

Thus, as I examine my life and reflect on my illness, I need to remain diligent in guarding against sin...and when I see it in my life, repenting and working to eliminate it by God's grace. Excusing it or telling myself I can't help it is lazy and dishonest. I need to ask God to show me where there is sin in my heart, and to distinguish that from the fruit of my condition.

One day I will be free from the pain my mental illness causes me. As a Christian, I have the assurance of eternity ahead of me. This "light and momentary affliction" will pass by, and I will slip into endless peace and joy present with Christ forever. When life seems unbearable, and it often does, I need to remind myself of the radiance of God's glory, and the promises of my future secure with Him. That puts things here in perspective.

So that is my story I suppose, and the things I'm learning from the experience. I am thankful for my struggles, and the way God is using them in my life and heart. It is by no means easy. Every day is an exhausting battle - but such is life. So much good is coming from it that what else can I do but rest in His strength and rejoice.

If you are reading this, and you are struggling with depression, self harm, anxiety, suicidal tendencies, bipolar, an eating disorder, or any other form of mental illness, please do not be afraid to seek help, and do not be afraid to speak out. Maybe start by sending me an email and we can chat?

Thank you, Maddi.

online meanderings

If dead men don't rise, our faith is pointless and pitiful.

The atheist's dilemma - "I tried to face down an overwhelming body of evidence, as well as the living God." A fascinating read.

The joys of thankless serving - I just discovered this great blog from a good Melbourne church.

Fatigue - How to cope, hot to be godly. I rediscovered this great post the other day. Macca.

Living with cancer - This 6 minute video encouraged me.

How to make time to think deeply - Read; write; drive; walk; shower; stare; organise... (Plus two helpful posts on busyness: The fine art of selection and Jealousy and regret.)

A prayerless person is a disaster waiting to happen. Don Carson

Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there. Charles Spurgeon

To see more links, click here (Facebook) or here (Twitter).

Couch to 5K: week 3

Week three
Begin with a brisk 5-minute walk, then two repetitions of 90 seconds of running, 90 seconds of walking, 3 minutes of running, 3 minutes of walking.



I'm not sure I can run for 3 minutes, and sure enough, the first day is tough. It doesn't help that there's a strong head wind. And it's raining. Running along the beach suddenly isn't so appealing.

After all that, my phone runs out of charge and my run fails to record. So I have to repeat it. Which means that this week, I'll do this run four times rather than three.

That doesn't sound like such a bad idea. After all, if 3 minutes is this hard, how on earth am I going to move up to 5?

So I do two runs along the beach, and we drive home from our holiday, back to pavements and dry summer grass. And I do two more runs, and the last one is super-easy, and I realise I was ready for the next week after all.

The app's annoying me. It's not super-reliable: sometimes the trainer's calm voice tells you to stop jogging, but sometimes it forgets, so I have to check my iPhone as I run. Plus these fiddly little runs are starting to bug me.

I'm so excited about all this running that when I get back to my computer, I announce it on Facebook: "I'm up to week 4 of Couch to 5K"! I get a few "Likes!" and a private Facebook message from my friend Jane*. She says,

I'm up to week 3 of couch to 5k too! Loving it! Loving the apps that allow you to use your own music! I will think of you tomorrow when I go for my next run xxx

That's when our virtual running partnership starts. And that's when I realise,

• it's much easier with two. Run with a friend if you can. Or at least with a virtual friend. 
• some days will be harder than others. It's windy, it's hot, or it's rainy. You're just tired out for some reason. Don't worry, you haven't lost it. Next time will be better.
• when you're struggling, and the next week looks impossible, don't worry: you're more ready than you realise. Don't slow down. Don't repeat a run. Trust the program.

I'm not loving Couch to 5K at the moment. The adrenaline rush has gone. But I'm determined to stick at this...

How did you find week 3 of Couch to 5K?


* Jane blogs at the excellent foodthatserves.

little acts of kindness

Macca writes about how little acts of kindness help people who suffer in big ways:

Sometimes people’s problems don’t go away. Bereavement and loss. Chronic pain or fatigue. Depression or anxiety. The serious illness, such as cancer. It may seem like there isn’t much we can do.

But, let me encourage you to think again. Maybe there’s something you could offer that would just make things a little easier. In fact, it might make all the difference in the world. It could be as simple as popping over for a cup of tea. Maybe you could offer to read the Bible with them or pray for them. If you offer anything, please make sure you follow up on it.

Little things show that you are still thinking of them. They indicate that you care. They demonstrate commitment. They’re not hard to do. Little acts of kindness can make a very big impact.

I thank God for the little things that people have done for us. For the gifts, the visits, the calls, the practical help, the messages. And the prayers. A little prayer to our awesome God is a kindness of huge proportions. Thank you.

You can read the rest here.

online meanderings

Living in the valley for now - This transformed my view of psalms 22, 23 and 24, and gave me hope as I live in the valley.

Are you getting stuck? - What to do when you feel stuck in your or others' suffering.

Leading church while leading your family - "Your church can get another pastor, but your kids can’t get another dad."

Questions about suicide and Christians - David Murray writes about suicide and mental illness after the death of Rick Warren’s 27-year-old son (and see Justin Taylor and Walt Mueller).

Living singly for God - How singleness can be a gift, even when we don't want it.

Read aloud books - A great list of books to read aloud to your kids. Deb.

7 Deadly Myths and 3 Inspired Truths About Book Editing - I learned a lot from this post.

Glance over at your Bible. Think what you’ve been through with God in those pages...Think how thankful you are that God wrote something you can hold to your chest, rocking back and forth, when your heart is shattered and your sight too blurred to read. Every Bible is the Word of God, but with no ears to hear it, hearts to love it, or hands to warm themselves by the fire of it, man is tragically lost to it. Beth Moore

To see more links, click here (Facebook) or here (Twitter).

what I'm reading: when worry comes from a need to control from King's Cross

I came across this quote while reading Tim Keller's King's Cross the other day, and found it profoundly helpful. It reminded me that my worry - including my worry about those dear to me - is so often rooted in a need to control:

At some level, your normal assumptions, your pride and your egotistical way of thinking, are blinding you to the truth.

One prime example of this is worry. Naturally, if you love people, you're going to worry about them.

But do you know where constant worry comes from? It's rooted in an arrogance that assumes, I know the way my life has to go, and God's not getting it right.

Real humility means to relax.

One of the hardest things for me is trusting God about things that I have absolutely no control over. Usually, when I worry, the first thing I do is try to fix things. But there are some things you just can't fix.

My son's ongoing illness is one thing I can't fix. God has ripped the reins out of my hands. Yes, I can take my son to (lots and lots of) doctors; I can structure his days and care for his needs; I can talk to his teachers about how to care for him - but nothing I do can make him better.

Sometimes it feels like God has been whispering - no, shouting! (I'm a little hard of hearing) - in my ears, over and over, for years now, as I've loved and raised my children: "You aren't the one in control - I AM!"

I don't find this easy to hear. I'm stubborn. I like to be in control. I worry, I struggle, I fight. But then I give up and give my son up to God. I don't do this by choice. God has left me with no other choice.

I guess God, in his severe mercy, sometimes lets these things into our lives to remind us that, ultimately, we really have very little control at all. All we can do is give up our striving and pray and trust him. And that is HARD.

But if God is all that we believe he is - if he is all that we can see he is in Jesus - if he is love, and power, and compassion, and wisdom, and sovereignty, and grace - then we can give up our striving, our worry, and rest in him, knowing that he wants what is best, both for us and for those we love.

Quote is from Tim Keller King's Cross 147.

with the Lord forever on the other side of cancer

My friend Bronwyn Chin died last Sunday. It was Easter Day, the day we celebrate Jesus' resurrection from the dead, which seemed so fitting! For Bronwyn was always full of joy in her Saviour, and this was the day she joined him in life on the other side of death.

I only met Bronwyn last year, when I was blessed to be in a prayer group with her at a weekend conference. She was alarmingly skinny, with what she called "rock chic" hair; but she was still full of enthusiasm and laughter! We prayed for her neighbours, whom she invited over regularly so she could talk with them about Jesus. I was inspired by how she served God with all her small reserves of energy.

The day I heard the news I discovered that jogging when you're crying isn't easy. I couldn't stop thinking about and praying through tears for her husband Richard and their four children. My heart is heavy for them because I know that grief is hard. That aching absence always feels so final, even when you know it's not.

Today I'm re-reading a wonderful article Bronwyn wrote last year. It's called Thank God for the gift of cancer. In it she writes,

So I thank God for this gift of cancer because he is good and he is using it for his purposes. The plans of the Lord are perfect even if I don’t know the reasons for everything. All I know is that soon I will be with the Lord forever because Jesus alone has saved me through his death and resurrection.

I hope to see you all there!

 I'd love to encourage you to read the rest here.