Saturday, November 15, 2008

some advice to ignore on marital sex

Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride
On the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God

by Ruth Smythers, beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers, Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church of the Eastern Regional Conference

Published in the year of our Lord 1894, Spiritual Guidance Press
To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life.

On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex. At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, but it is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.

It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man. Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency. Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction. Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.

By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.
Apparently it's a hoax (thankyou Tom!) but this quote still had me giggling when I heard it in Carolyn Mahaney 's talk Being Pure. I think I'd give it to a bride-to-be - if you do nothing it says, and everything it says not to do, you should be right!


Lara said...

Yikes! Is that for real?!

Sharon said...

That is so hilarious!

//there is the wedding itself ... symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life//

Has this woman never read her Bible? The male is not there to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life, she is there to provide for his! Not all of them, of course, but I'm pretty sure God had sexual relations in mind (among other things) when he was thinking up the specifics of the woman he would create for the first man, as his "suitable helper".

I just told my husband this morning that sometimes after we make love I thank God for giving me him as my husband... I can't imagine this woman ever praying this with the same heartfelt gratitude - or her husband praying it about her, either!

~ Sharon

Jess Green said...

I find it hard to believe they really mean that stuff too. It's not only got the wrong idea of sex in marriage but also encourages lying to and manipulating your husband.

Bec Spires said...

Hi Jean, I've been lurking/reading your blog for about a year now. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I read this post and just had to post it on my blog too!

Thanks for sharing so much with us.


BGSydneyside said...

I was thinking...surely I'll get to the end and find out that Jean really wrote it as a joke.
How sad!
To think a gift from God like sex (not to mention a husband) should be treated in such a manner!

Tom Cannon said...

Alas, this is a well-documented hoax that Ms Mahaney and her editors were a bit careless with. It is hilarious, but entirely fictional.


Mom Of E's said...

I second what Lara said! I can't believe someone actually wrote that. I had a good laugh, and then I showed it to my husband. :-) We were both rolling on the floor laughing!


Robin said...

Well we may laugh...

But which or our cherished beliefs will seem outrageous to our grandchildren. How is our culture modifying our theology?

Jean said...

Well, Tom, if it's a hoax, what a good one! I think if I was going to give a new wife advice on marital sex, I'd give her this - the long version (which is a bit more risque) - and tell her to do everything it says not to.

And what are you doing lurking around my blog?? Nice to hear from you. :)

Igroki said...

V funny