how we change (9) what will you choose?

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (Eph 4:22-24)

I've turned navel-gazing into an art form. A questionnaire about my idols? A thought-chart to identify my false beliefs? A journal, a pen, and an anxious heart? Give them to me, and I'm your woman.

I'll think, read, write, examine my heart, repent, analyse, pray, list, reflect, dissect, introspect, with the best of them.

In some ways, then, books like Tim Chester's You Can Change feed right into my tendency to self-absorption and my drive to perfect myself (although this isn't Chester's fault: he takes care to guard against these things).* He issues a gold-edged invitation to identify the lies and idols of my heart, and I'm the first on the RSVP list.

Don't get me wrong: every day I'm grateful for books like Chester's as I argue with my thoughts, battle my emotions and fight my besetting sins. It's important to deal with sin not just at the surface level, but at the deeper level of what I believe and what I worship.

But I've come to see that sometimes I need to stop praying and thinking and start acting. It's not just about "attitudes", it's also about "putting off" and "putting on" (Eph 4:22-24). Every day - every moment! - I stare sin in the face and have to choose to behave differently. That, I'm not so good at.

Which is why, in case you're like me, and in imitation of Elyse Fitzpatrick's Idols of the Heart, I've added a third step to Chester's two main steps for change:

1. thoughts- turning from lies to trust God's truth (faith)
2. desires - turning from idols to worship God alone (repentance)
3. will - choosing to act in love and obedience (repentance)

You'll notice that 3. is actually an extension of 2, which is why Chester deals with them together. As Elyse Fitzpatrick points out, our wills don't work independently - they follow our thoughts and desires. You can't abandon idols in your heart and not in your life. But I need help with changing my behaviour, so I like the way Elyse Fitzpatrick takes several chapters to talk about the nitty-gritty of practical change.

Perhaps it's a woman's thing. I've noticed we're much keener than the guys on thought-diaries and questionnaires and the details of daily life. This is both a disadvantage (navel-gazing, anyone?) and an advantage (we don't leave things at the level of theory).

Change begins in the heart, but it doesn't end there. Let me give you some examples:

• the woman who's been praying for years that God will improve a difficult relationship and transform her emotions. One day she realises it's time not just to pray, but to love. As she does, her attitudes and feelings begin to change.
• the woman who's terrified of crowded rooms. She avoids church and prays for God to take away her fear. But she knows she has to do the hard thing. She starts small - with a Bible study group - and works up to bigger church meetings. It's not easy, but her fears lessen with time.
• the woman who knows she should offer hospitality to her neighbours, but who's ashamed of her shabby house. She prays about her her idolatry - her need to impress people. She repents of her lovelessness. But she has to take another step: to pick up the phone and ask the neighbours over. When she does, her fears are shown to be the small things they always were.

I don't change my behaviour through a set of disciplines (though it will take self-discipline!) or in the strength of my will-power (though I do need to make a choice). God's Spirit is the great heart-changer. When I "put off" the old self and "put on" the new, I'm only doing what God has already done in me. I "work out" my salvation because God is powerfully "working in" me to "will and to act". I obey because I'm confident God has given me everything I need to be godly. **

But changing my behaviour isn't easy or automatic. It's violent, energetic and purposeful. I can play with sin, feed it, cuddle up to it. Or I can put off sin - kill it, gouge it out, throw it off - and put on obedience.**

Every moment, I can choose to resist the first intrusion of sin: the impure look, the self-pitying thought, the unkind word, the selfish act. This isn't legalism: it's a response to grace, which teaches me to say "no" (Tit 2:11-12).

Faith gets stronger as it expresses itself in love. As I stop giving in to my fears, I learn to trust God more. As I refuse to serve my idols, they become less important to me. Every time I say "no", "no" gets a little easier. I call this the faith that comes from obedience.***

If you want some help making practical changes in your behaviour, why not read Elyse Fitzpatrick's Idols of the Heart? Her practical exercises gave me a blueprint to use with any and every issue, especially when I get stuck. Because sometimes it's time not just to think, but to act.

For reflection:
What attitudes and actions do you need to "put off"? What attitudes and actions do you need to "put on"? Are there small steps that would help you with the bigger ones? Or is it time just to say "no" - or "yes"! - in confidence that God is powerfully at work in you?

* And Nicole's too, apparently!

** see Ezek 36:24-27; Eph 4:22-24, Rom 6; Phil 2:12-13;2 Pet 1:3, Eph 1:18-21, 3:20-21, Col 1:28-29). See Mt 5:29, Rom 8:13, Col 3:5, Rom 13:12, Eph 4:22, 25, Heb 12:1, Col 3:8-9, Jam 1:21, 1 Pet 2:1, Eph 4:24, Col 3:10, 1 Thess 5:8, Rom 13:14, Col 3:12, Rev 19:8.

*** If you want to explore this further, have a look at Stuart's series on this topic, where you'll find useful insights from someone working within The Crowded House church, founded by Tim Chester: The chicken of belief and the egg of behaviour, It's a heart issue, Hypercardiodynia: taking the 'heart issue' too far (Part 1), Hypercardiodynia: taking the heart issue too far (Part 2), and Back to the heart. HT Nicole

images are by gaspi your guide and kingary and TheAlieness and brioso at flickr

Elyse Fitzpatrick on idolatry

Our choices are predicated upon what we think is "good,' what we "delight in," what we find most "desirable." The truth about our choices is that we always choose what we believe to be our best good. We always choose what we believe will bring us the most delight. ...

Idolatry is a sin that has its beginning in the mind, in your thoughts, beliefs, judgements, and imagination. ... Instead of fashioning idols out of wood or stone, we fashion them in our imagination - worshiping that which we believe will bring us happiness. ... These beliefs function as gods just as surely as if we had carved them from wood or overlaid them with silver. ... We must learn to put away the gods of our imagination: gods that promise happiness in exchange for our worship.

Our longings and desires ... are the driving force behind everything we do. ... Why do we profess great love for the Lord on Sunday morning and exaggerate our successes to our boss on Monday morning? Because we have divided desires. ... [T]he desire that is strongest ... is what our will acts on. ...

My sin has its roots in my false worship. Don't be deceived: you are already passionately worshipping something. ... Learning to take great delight and joy in God is the strongest deterrent to idolatry.

Elyse Fitzpatrick Idols of the Heart: Learning to Long for God Alone 81, 110, 114, 116, 124, 144-5, 165, 202, 195

image is by WolfSoul at flickr

questionnaire - identifying the lies and idols underlying your habitual sins

If your heart is an iceberg, sinful behaviours and negative emotions are only the tip. Underneath are the lies and idols of your heart. We've been looking at the iceberg: our characteristic false beliefs and sinful desires. Today, let's start with the tip. How can you work backwards from a particular struggle to the lies and idols underlying it?

Think of a habitual sin you don't seem to be able to overcome. Or think of a situation where you often feel angry, fearful or discouraged. You can use the questions below to help you identify the lies and idols underlying this particular struggle.

I've taken these questions from Elyse Fitzpatrick's Idols of the Heart. I'll begin with her examples of common idols for women, then share a couple of her practical exercises.

Some examples of lies and idols

The lie that happiness can be found in something other than God is the fountainhead from which all our idolatry flows. What might some of these lies look like? Let me give you some examples and see if they resonate with you.

• In order to be truly happy, I must have a spouse who is godly, romantic, responsible, and a good communicator.
• In order to be truly happy, I must have obedient children who please me.
• In order to be truly happy, I must have a good job where I am respected and well paid.
• In order to be truly happy, I must be loved and appreciated by others.
• In order to be truly happy, I must feel safe from all calamity.
• In order to be truly happy, I must have enough money to live in comfort.

Identifying the lies which underlie your habitual sins

Our idolatrous beliefs become evident as we find ourselves habitually sinning in some particular way. If I discover, for instance, that I frequently respond in anger when criticized, then I need to consider what idolatrous thought or imagination is at the root of my anger. To do this, I should ask myself the following questions:

1. What do I believe about the source of true happiness in this circumstance?

2. What do I believe about God in this circumstance?

3. What do I believe about myself - my rights, my goals, my desires?

4. What am I trusting in?

Identifying the idols which underlie your habitual sins

Think back to the last time you know you sinned. ... Choose a sin that you habitually fall into, like anger, self-indulgence, or fear [anxiety], for instance. Write this circumstance down.

With this circumstance in mind, ask God to help you answer the following questions. Try not to give one-word answers that don't plumb the depth of your thoughts, desires, and fears. Each of these questions will help you to understand your idolatry, so don't hurry through your answers. Instead, prayerfully ask God, the Heart Knower, to reveal your "functional gods" to you.

1. What did you want, desire, or wish for?

2. What did you fear? What were you worrying about?

3. What did you think you needed?

4. What were your strategies and intentions designed to accomplish?

5. What or whom were you trusting?

6. Whom were you trying to please? Whose opinion of you counted?

7. What were you loving? Hating?

8. What would have brought you the greatest pleasure, happiness, or delight? What would have brought you the greatest pain and misery?

from Elyse Fitzpatrick's Idols of the Heart pp. 117, 119, 163; I've added headings, and I've added numbers to the second list

image is from stock.xchng

how we change (2) overview

I've grown more during the last 12 months than I remember growing during the 12 years before that. I'm sure this isn't true! - I know how God has used motherhood, temptation and suffering to refine me - but that's what it feels like.

I've learnt so much about God's grace and how it changes our hearts.

Blogging and a return to ministry after years of baby-care has brought many issues to the surface, like pride, perfectionism and people-pleasing. At times I've felt overwhelmed by anxiety, stress and discouragement, which has forced me to dig deeper into the gospel.

The other catalyst for change, under God's mercy, has been the books I've read. Martyn Lloyd-Jones helped me remember the Puritans' wisdom about preaching to myself. Ed Welch's books and talks unearthed the issues beneath my addictions, fear, legalism and people-pleasing. Tim Lane and Paul Tripp encouraged me to grow in the heat of suffering. Elyse Fitzpatrick, my sister in Christ, has walked beside me through struggles with greed and worry. Tim Chester's You Can Change brought it all into clear focus.*

What has affected me so profoundly? Two truths that I already knew:

• that below every sin are the lies and idols of my wayward heart
• that only the grace of God in Christ and the work of his Spirit, not rules and programs, can change my heart and transform my life

Really, it's no more than God's age-old key to change:

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. (Col 2:6-7)

I like the structure of You Can Change, so as we explore how God changes us through his grace, it's this structure that we'll be following (with a couple of detours, I'm sure!). Here's the topics he covers:

1. What would you like to change?
2. Why would you like to change?
3. How are you going to change?
4. When do you struggle?
5. What truths do you need to turn to?
6. What desires do you need to turn from?
7. What stops you changing?
8. What strategies will reinforce your faith and repentance?
9. How can we support one another in changing?
10. Are you ready for a lifetime of daily change?

Nicole has already blogged her way through You Can Change, and as always, her blog posts are thoughtful and helpful, so I won't double up. I'll share with you the personal story of how this book has shaped my thinking and life. I've just written and led a seminar on this material, so some reflections from my seminar will make it into these posts. Along the way, I'll include insights from writers like Tim Keller and Elyse Fitzpatrick.

Please join me on the great adventure of digging deep into the grace of God and how it changes our hearts.

* The books which have had a big impact on me include Martyn Lloyd-Jones's Spiritual Depression, Ed Welch's Running Scared, When People Are Big and God is Small, Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave and Issues in Biblical Counselling, Tim Lane and Paul Tripp's How People Change, Elyse Fitzpatrick's Idols of the Heart, Overcoming Fear, Worry and Anxiety and Love to Eat, Hate to Eat, and Tim Chester's You Can Change.

If you'd like to see or use my seminar, How Change Happens, please contact me.

images are from stock.xchng

Overcoming Fear, Worry and Anxiety: book review

The book that's encouraged me most deeply recently (apart from the Bible!) is Elyse Fitzpatrick's Overcoming Fear, Worry and Anxiety: Becoming a Woman of Faith and Confidence. I wanted to loan it to a friend, and I had no trouble gobbling it up in a single day.

It's not a long book, and it's very readable. Each chapter begins with stories of women who struggle with anxiety. You're bound to see yourself in some of them! It's comforting to know we're not alone, and to hear how God has helped people to overcome their worry and fear.

Section 1 the nature of fear
Elyse Fitzpatrick starts by talking about the physical nature of fear, and how it can lead to panic attacks. I was challenged when I realised that caffeine, sugar, and insufficient exercise and rest can feed into the vicious cycle of fear. There's a few changes to be made there!

Section 2 the source of your fears
What had the most profound impact on me was realising that there are "three primary causes of fear" (196):

• the desire to control
• the desire to please people
• the desire to be perfect

There they were, in black and white! I'm an expert in all three, so it's no wonder I sometimes struggle with discouragement and anxiety. I bought the book because of the chapter on perfectionism, but I found some of the other chapters even more helpful, particularly the one on people-pleasing.

It's hard to struggle with anxiety, depression, guilt or any difficult emotion over a long period of time: if you're human, I'm sure you know that! It's easy to run from the situation which is causing such pain. It's easy to start questioning whether God really is working in you, or whether you'll be stuck this way forever.

So it was so reassuring to read these words, and to realise that I can trust God to change me, in his own good timing, through the circumstances he's given me:

Think about the trials or difficulties that you are facing. … Is it possible that God has allowed these specific difficulties into your life to teach you of His goodness, of your inability to control events, and to set you free from your fears? … Could He free you from your fears? Yes. Will he free you? Yes, when it pleases Him to do so. In the meantime, He's using your fear to draw you to Himself and to change you. If you didn't struggle with these problems, you wouldn't see your need for Him. You see, God is interested in this change in you because He is going to be glorified because of it, and that's the goal of everything He does: His glory. (60, 133)

Section 3 - God's answers to your fears
Elyse Fitzpatrick's answer to worry, anxiety and fear is to unpack 4 themes in 4 chapters:

• God's sovereignty - God is in control, however hard it is to see this during times of suffering
• the fear of God - the fear of God is big enough to displace all smaller fears
• the opposite of fear: love - as we love others rather than giving in to fear, we overcome anxiety
• God's grace - God's grace sustains us and gives us confidence to change

I found the chapters on the fear of God and love the most helpful. It seems to me that no human fear can possibly stand before the combined power of these two!

Only the fear of God is big enough to drive out all other fears: not a slavish fear, that cringes from God, but a childlike fear, that delights in his awesome majesty and runs to him in love and trust.

We might be scared to leave the house, or sit through church, or talk to a stranger, or lead a Bible study. Only as we dare to trust God and act in obedience, even when our hearts are pounding and we have a tight band of anxiety around our chest, will we overcome our fears.

As we reach out to others in love, even when we're afraid, we'll discover that love is stronger than fear. Our love for others will become greater than our fear of their disapproval and our worry about them loving us.

I found myself praying that my fear of God and my love for others will become bigger than my fears, so that I will love friends who don't know God by joyfully sharing the hope I have in Jesus. I'm also trying to pray for, rather than worry about, those whose opinions and criticisms I fear.

Two days ago, I prayed with some good friends. We talked about how it's a battle - every single day! for all of us! - to let go of our fears and to trust God. Every day, we battle to depend on faith rather than feeling. Every day, we struggle to do the things that are hard for us, trusting God to give us the strength we need. Every day, we fight to believe that God is bigger than our fears, and that he is working in us by his grace according to his perfect timing.

If you struggle with fear, worry or anxiety, I encourage you to read this helpful book.

images are from stock.xchng

dieting and gluttony (7) Love to Eat, Hate to Eat by Elyse Fitzpatrick

If you came to me asking for advice about compulsive eating, obsessive dieting or exercising, food abuse, anorexia or bulimia, or simply lack of self-control around food, Elyse Fitzpatrick's Love to Eat, Hate to Eat is the book I would encourage you to read, or even better, read with you.

Elyse Fitzpatrick is an experienced Biblical counsellor, who fights her own daily battle against compulsive eating. Her book is so far beyond any other Christian book you're likely to find on this topic, which has probably produced more nonsense than just about any other issue, that it might be from another planet!

She quickly makes it clear that this is not another dieting book. While she does include food diaries and practical suggestions, her main goal is not to influence behaviour, but to change the heart.

She takes destructive eating back to its most basic level: enslavement to idolatry. Instead of seeking mere outward change, aiming for weight-loss or even healthy eating, or settling for a fad diet, she calls us to pursue inner rather than outer beauty, to change sinful thinking patterns, and to glorify and enjoy God in our eating, with the confidence that God, by his Spirit, can change even our most deeply ingrained habits.

She encourages us not to blame our poor eating habits on upbringing, illness, or low self-esteem, as if it's someone else's fault. Instead, we need to realise that our behaviour stems from the sinful desires of our heart (James 1:14). So, for example, we may eat in an ungodly way because we want to be in control, or because we love pleasure, or because we think satisfaction lies in earthly things.

Her solution is four-fold, and she emphasises that each of these can only be done with the help of God's Spirit:

1. Become convinced that your present method of eating is (not just unhealthy or embarrassing but) sinful (enslaving, idolatrous, disobedient, gluttonous) and cease from it (repent and resist);
2. Become convinced that God's methods for disciplined eating (self-control) are right and begin practising them (see the DISCIPLINED Eating acronym below);
3. Seek diligently to change your mind and become conformed to God's thinking, especially in the area of your eating habits (she outlines the relationship between body, mind and emotions, and how to influence feelings through behaviour and thoughts, for example by putting off wrong thinking and putting on godly thinking); and
4. Continue to practice these new thoughts and behaviours, even when the struggle gets hard (she calls us to the long haul, to slow, steady growth, to a daily, painful battle, to developing new habits, and gives some very practical guidelines).

I found her book a bit rambly at times (I like my points neat and in order!) but when I stopped taking notes and started reading, it was easy to follow and enjoyable to read. Her theological points and use of the Bible weren't always as tight as I would have liked: for example, I think God's call to be a "temple of the Spirit" is about avoiding defiling our bodies with (sexual) immorality (1 Cor. 3:16-17; 6:19-20), although at least her focus was less on health, and more on not using our bodies for sin, and caring for our bodies so we can use them in God's service. But the book's overall theological structure was excellent.

I particularly liked her chapter on anorexia, bulemia and compulsive eating. She refuses to call these behaviours "diseases", although they are so powerful and seemingly so involuntary that they mimic diseases. Instead, she calls them "chosen, life-dominating behaviours" which can be changed with the help of God's Spirit.

She explores in detail the kinds of idolatrous, unbelieving, self-focussed thoughts which can lead to such self-destructive behaviours - perhaps "I must be thin so I can have worth", or "I need to be in control", or "I deserve comfort and love" - and shows how to replace these thoughts with God's truth.

I appreciated the way she exposed my own temptation to create an idol out of control, develop commandments to serve it, fail these false standards, give in to despair, and give up trying: the cycle of the dieter. Her answers aren't slick or superficial, but I'll leave you to read the chapter and see for yourself!

Let me share with you her very practical DISCIPLINED Eating acronym, which you can learn, and use to determine whether eating a certain food is godly or not:

Doubt - am I eating even though I'm not sure it's sinful (Rom. 14:23)?
Idolatry - am I serving control, pleasure, or comfort (Ex. 20:3)?
Stumble - will I cause someone to stumble (Rom. 14:21)?
Covet - am I eating because I'm discontent and wanting something someone else has (Ex. 20:17)?
Inroad - will eating or doing this lead to sinful behaviour (Rom. 13:14)?
Praise - can I eat this with thanksgiving (1 Tim. 4:4)?
Life - will eating this harm my health (Ex. 20:13)?
Illustrate - am I setting a good example for others, including my family (1 Tim. 4:12)?
No - can I say no? is my body under my control (1 Cor. 9:27)?
Emotions - am I eating out of anger, fear, frustration or depression (Gen. 4:7)?
Distract - will this distract me from something better e.g. time with guests or God (Lk. 10:41-2)?
Enslaved - will this lead to bondage to something I can't say no to (1 Cor. 6:12)?

If you struggle with destructive eating habits, I recommend Elyse Fitzpatrick's Love to Eat, Hate to Eat to you. It will encourage you to feast on God, not on mud-pies.