teenagers and the internet

As a parent, you go into the teen years thinking there are exact rules: give kids this. Don't do that. Then you discover that it's so much more - well, human - than that.

There's a simplicity in "one size fits all". But that's not how God works in the human heart. And it doesn't work that well in relationships either.

So I love Jenny's 5 points about parenting teenagers when it comes to technology:

1. It's good to have a high horse to make parenting judgements from. 
2. It's good to get down from the high horse occasionally to show that you think your child is an actual person.
3. It's good to keep on top of technology. 
4.  It's good to keep talking to your kids. 
5. It's good to acknowledge that you won't know everything that's going on, because when things go wrong you aren't a hopeless parent. 

I've talked a bit about how we work it out in the comments on her post. You might want to head over there and add your thoughts.

the idols of a parent

There’s nothing like parenting to reveal your true values.

My 12-year-old daughter started secondary school this year. It’s an anxious time for any parent. Your mind fills with questions: will she settle well into her new school? How will she cope with the extra homework? Will she make good friends? Will she make any friends?

During the first few months of the school year, I found myself passionately wanting the oddest things (and talking about them passionately to my husband, who will confirm that I became just a tad neurotic). It seems I want my daughter to:

• be popular (I want people to like her) but not too popular (I don't want her to be overly influenced by her peers)


• get all her work done, on time, to a high standard (I don't want her - or, more tellingly, me - to lose face)


• dress trendily (I don't want her to look daggy) but not too trendily (I don't want her to be a fashion victim)


• be friendly to the unpopular kids (I want her to be kind) but not too friendly (I don't want her to be unpopular by association)


• keep to a high(ish) standard in her piano practice (I want her to be accomplished, but I'm not one of those pushy mothers)


• be upfront about her faith (I want her to stand up for Jesus) but not too upfront (I don't want the other kids to think she's weird)


• be happy at school (I don't want her to be unhappy) but no so happy that she hates being at home (I want her to love me as much as ever)


• go to church even when it’s not fun (I want her to learn to serve) but also to have fun there (I don’t want her to hate church)1

Sorry about all the double negatives; but the truth is, there are a lot of bad(?) things I don’t want for her. Especially, it seems, unpopularity (probably because I was a bit of a dag myself, and hated it; like most parents, I visit my own disappointments on my children).

These desires lead to all kinds of strange behaviour. Like constant, nagging reminders about homework and music practice. Like asking my daughter if she needs more fashionable clothes (gulp!) and exploring the trendy teen stores a week before she goes to camp. Like frequent, irritating questions about her friendships. Like talking a lot, in front of her, about whether our church serves her needs.

After all this, there’s no doubt in either of our minds about what matters to me.

So what matters to me? What am I communicating to my daughter are the significant things in life? It seems these things are far more important to me than I realized:

• popularity


• trendiness (where did that come from?!)


• academic success


• impressing people


• achievement


• happiness


• having your needs met.

Some of these goals look innocent enough. Who wouldn’t want happiness and academic success for their children? But without me noticing, these goals grow bigger than God. I worry and nag. I spend more than I should (and teach my daughter to do the same). I get angry and impatient. I talk about things that don’t matter. I try to shape my daughter to my desires. Our relationship, predictably enough, suffers; and her godliness suffers too.

Acceptance. Achievement. A good education. What I want for my children, I want for me.

As so often in parenting, it’s time for repentance. It’s time to confess my idolatry to my daughter. It’s time for some honest conversations about what really matters: serving rather than being served, valuing inner more than outer beauty, caring for others even if you lose face, choosing friends wisely, pursuing godliness over success, and standing up for Jesus even when it makes you unpopular.


1. When my daughter was younger the idols were a little different: the approval of parenting experts, a child whose behavior impresses others, an ‘educational’ toy collection – just to name a few. (And a good night's sleep, of course.)

This post first appeared on The Briefing today.

image is by mermay19 from flickr

more about chores and other stuff

If there's one thing I'm lazy about, it's chores. And no, I don't mean doing them myself (although I can be lazy about that too), I mean getting the kids to do them. It's always easier to do them myself, especially when I'm busy and tired.

Last week, I shared my chores chart. You might also remember last year's discussion about kids and chores which I wrapped up here. So where are we at, 16 months later?

Well, I'm still not incredibly consistent about chores, but our kids are learning to do them, and they're even learning to do them cheerfully. Which can only be a good thing. Here's what I've learned about chores this year:

• There are "just because you're in the family" chores, and organised chores. The first are spontaneous chores everyone has to do (like helping get ready for visitors). The second are an area of responsibility you give a certain child (like vacuuming or weeding). It's good to have both kinds.
• There are chores kids like, and chores kids hate. Lizzy loves cooking and hates messy dishes: she has to help with both. Ben loves reading to his little brother and hates putting out the compost: he has to do both. Good preparation for life!
• Some chores are about your stuff ("Put away your clothes") and others are about other people's stuff ("Put away your little brother's toys"). "It's not mine" is not a valid excuse.
• It's hard to get chores going at first (expect lots of complaining if your kids are anything like mine!) but it gets easier as they get used to doing them. It's worth working through the pain.
• I've asked around, and what's struck me is how different families do chores in very different ways. Some are highly organised, some haphazard; some depend on parental requests, others on kids remembering; some reward chores with pocket money, others with time to play; some do chores independently, others as a family. I'm not sure it matters, as long as kids are learning to help out around the house.
• Different methods have different advantages. It's better to do something which works for you than to aim for perfection and do nothing.
• The more experienced a parent you are, the more deaf you become to complaining and excuses. Bring it on!

our chart of chores and other weekly stuff

Kids come with all kinds of things to be remembered. Notices, excursions, play dates, father's day stalls, sports days: you name it, I'll forget it. Kids also need training in household chores. Here's me in the middle of it all, feeling guilty about everything I've forgotten and the training I haven't done.

This year, 11 years into parenting, I've finally found a system for keeping track of weekly events and chores which works well for our family - most of the time. It sits on our fridge and looks like this:


The pretty colours make me want to look at it, and the colour coding makes it easy to read. I used to have a separate chart for each child, but all those bits of paper floating around the fridge made me crazy, and no-one ever looked at them. So I've given each child a colour, and put all the kids on one chart.

Our chart includes nearly everything that happens week-by-week in our house: chores, homework tasks, sports days - all the things I usually forget completely. It's become a habit to glance at it every morning, and I forget a lot less share times and library days now (although I did forget Thomas' library books yesterday, and I'll often ignore a chore or 3, so it's far from infallible!).

Still, our chart keeps me honest, keeps chores on my mental map, and reminds me of things that would otherwise go forgotten. It's a system I plan to keep using.

What's your system for remembering chores and other stuff?

my thoughts on kids and chores

We've been having a great discussion about kids and chores. Thanks to those who wrote in! Here's my thoughts. Please remember, this post describes what I'm aiming for more than what I actually achieve! I can be pretty haphazard about chores, especially during busy times of the year. I'm no expert, so please add your suggestions to the comments.

1. Why chores matter

• they teach kids skills to help them become independent adults
• they teach kids to take responsibility for their lives (1 Tim 5:8, 2 Thess 3:10)
• they teach kids to serve others cheerfully and without complaining or arguing (Phil 2:14, Lk 22:26-27, Gal 5:13, Eph 6:7-8, Col 3:23-24)
• they teach kids the difference between diligence and laziness (Prov 6:6-11, 10:4-5, 13:4, 14:23, 20:4, 22:13, 24:30-34, 27:18)
• they teach kids to persevere and not grow weary or give up (Gal 6:9, Thess 1:3, Rev 2:3)
• they teach kids that work is hard and can sometimes feel pointless in this fallen world (Gen 3:17-19)
• they teach kids what it means to be part of a family, with distinct roles and responsibilities (Eph 5:22-6:9)
• they teach kids to obey their parents (Eph 6:1, Col 3:20)
• they teach kids to value home life (Prov 14:1, 17:24, 24:3-4, 27:8, 1 Tim 5:14, Tit 2:4-5)
• they teach kids (especially boys) to work hard so they can provide and care for their homes and families (1 Tim 5:8, 2 Thess 3:10)
• they teach kids (especially girls) to work hard so they can manage a home and care for their families (Tit 2:3-5, Prov 31:10-30)
• they teach kids the value and hard work of hospitality and outreach (Rom 12:13, 1 Tim 3:2, 5:10, 1 Pet 4:9)

2. Teaching the "why" and "how" not just the "what"
I have a very clear memory of a Christian tape playing while I did the dishes as a child, with this verse set to music:

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe. Phil 2:14-15

It profoundly influenced my attitude to chores, and I still find myself singing it, much to my children's annoyance! (Does anyone know what tape it came from?)

I have been challenged by Cathy's comments to teach our kids the "why" not just the "what" of chores. It would be fantastic to teach kids some of the principles and verses above!

I think if I had been given some of this reasoning while I was growing up, it would have helped me to do some of the hard and apparently "pointless" chores more cheerfully.

3. Should you give kids money for doing chores?
There's no right or wrong answer to this one.
Yes: because it teaches kids stewardship - that money comes through hard work, and that it should be saved and spent wisely
No: because kids should expect to help because they're part of a family, not because they get paid

Here's how some people do it:
- Jo suggests not giving money for all chores, but for the harder, dirtier ones
- Rachel suggests giving pocket money independently of chores, but taking some away if a job is not done and giving it to the person who has to do it
- my sister-in-law prints out her children's chores with a box to be ticked next to each one; pocket money is given if they're all done
- when I'm being organised(!) I give pocket money ($1 for every year of school up to $10) for Saturday chores (weeding, washing windows, cleaning the car) but not for regular weekly chores (vacuuming one's bedroom, putting away one's clothes, setting the table)

4. Should boys and girls be given different chores?
We've been having a fascinating discussion about this which you might have been following!

Those of you who've written in seem to agree that boys and girls should be given the same chores. Girls need to be prepared to care for a home and family. Boys need to be prepared to serve their wives by helping out around the home. Girls and boys need to be prepared for singleness, whether short- or long-term, or for caring for a home when a spouse dies or is incapacitated.

Cathy helpfully suggests that we distinguish between boys and girls by the way we talk about chores, rather than in the jobs we give. I think this is a fantastic idea! I've started to talk to Lizzy in terms of "helping" and to Ben in terms of "serving", preparing them for their likely married roles as a helper and a servant leader (Gen 1:18-25, Eph 5:22-33).

I'm still unsure about whether different chores should be given to boys and girls. I think there is some appropriateness in giving different chores to prepare for different roles.

I'll be training Lizzy to be a homemaker, with all the skills that entails. But I suspect I'll train my boys to run a home too. They'll need these skills throughout life, married or unmarried!

In our house, boys and girls have to do all kinds of jobs, but there's also some small differences in how we hand out chores (Lizzy does more cooking, Ben more bin-emptying - partly a matter of preference! - but both are expected to help with both).

5. When chores get tough
It's really important that some chores are just plain HARD! We give yucky, dirty jobs, not just easy ones, and expect them to be done cheerfully.

One of my favourite parenting stories is about a boy who had to carry buckets of water by hand to the family pig every day - a difficult, thankless task. The neighbour told the father how unreasonable he was. When the boy grew up, he thanked his father for teaching him to work hard.

6. Practical ideas for chores

• it's good to teach kids to take responsibility for themselves: to keep their rooms tidy and clean, wash their own clothes, and make their own lunch
• it's also good to give some general chores which help the family and home: dishes, cleaning, yard work
• I like the idea of a list of chores for each child with boxes to tick, although I'm not organised enough to keep it up!
• I've just printed out a weekly plan for Lizzy (10), Ben (8) and Thomas (5) which includes their chores. This helps me to remember all their different tasks, and it means I can send them to the list on the fridge rather than nag them! It also teaches them to be responsible for their tasks.
• some people have a "home blessing hour" every Saturday, where the family cleans the house together. What a great idea!
• Gail Martin's What Every Child Should Know Along the Way will give you some good ideas about appropriate expectations for different ages, and The Family Manager's Everyday Survival Guide talks about getting kids on the team

Any other comments or suggestions? We're just fumbling our way through this, and I'd love your advice.

You can read the thread on kids and chores here

images are from Millie Mott, Oh My Stinkin' Heck!, davidwilliamgold, chinweiz, Conner Prairie and naiah at flickr.com

online meanderings: training girls

Today I pick up where I left off in my series on kids and chores. I'd like to tell you about a girl talk series on training daughters to manage a home.

You may remember my series on biblical womanhood. It was based on Carolyn Mahaney's book Feminine Appeal, where she says this about mothers and daughters:

Of all the mentoring relationships among women, none is more significant than the one between a mother and her daughter. Those of us who have been blessed with daughters have the opportunity, and indeed, the obligation to emphasize the feminine qualities of Titus 2 in our teaching repertoire.

We live in a society that emphasizes preparation and education for everything but marriage, motherhood, and homemaking. Therefore we must give this profession our highest attention when it comes to preparing our daughters for their futures.

How do you train a daughter to manage a home? Carolyn and her daughters gave their ideas in last year's girl talk series on training girls, starting with this quote in the post Homemaking school:

"The fact is, our girls have no home education. ... Those early habits, which would have made domestic care a light and easy task, have never been taught ... ; and the result is, that when cares come, as come they must, they find them misery."

The series continued with Note from a homemaker, which included these sobering words from a mother of grown children:

I see [my daughters] struggle in certain areas of homemaking and know that I could have saved them much heartache and frustration if I had done my job as a mother properly.

The next post, A daughter's heart for the home, talks about inspiring girls with a vision for homemaking in a world which devalues it.

Mom's example in the home is reassuring for mothers of toddlers because it says this isn't the time for training in homemaking! It acknowledges that it's important to teach boys to help around the home, but not to forget that we're training them for a different role to girls.

Homemaking 101 talks about the practicalities of handing on every-day skills to our daughters. I love - and am terrified by! - the idea of asking an older daughter to run the home for a few weeks. What a brilliant way to help a girl (or a boy!) realise what's involved in managing a home.

For better or for worse suggests helpfully that when you're weak in a certain area of homemaking, you ask someone else to teach you and your daughter these skills, or go to classes together (although I don't really see bow-tying as an important womanly pursuit - clearly, I'm deficient in my femininity!).

There's a great post about Homemaking books if you're interested in doing some reading with or for your daughter.

Two useful posts from other blogs are Nicole's working with kids, on how you can teach kids just by getting them involved in housework; and Heather Koerner's Study to show yourself an SAHM, on the importance of training in managing a home.

Lots of food for thought! I'll try to wrap it all up soon - God willing! - with a post on kids and chores. If you have any final suggestions or comments, I'd love to hear from you!

image is from daveparker at flickr.com

Cathy on girls and chores

A month ago I asked you some questions about chores. Since then, I've posted some thoughts from Cathy and Valori about boys and chores. Today I'd like to share some helpful reflections from Cathy about girls and chores.

I love the way Cathy gets at the real issue - teaching girls the why, not just the what, of chores, and growing girls into the attitude of godly womanhood. Here's what she says:

Our daughter Audrey is 2. The level at which her "training" is different so far from her brother's is not the tasks in themselves, but the language we use to talk about them.

When she takes initiative to help my standard phrase is simply "good helping Audrey!" (with gusto and jubilation). I am keen for her to develop her view of herself as a helper, Genesis 1-2 style.

When Winton does the same thing (same initiative, similar tasks), I will praise his leadership in taking initiative to serve others (and talk about that as a very manly thing, like Jesus and Daddy ...).

We want Audrey to learn to do a lot of the same tasks Winton does, not so she can compete, but help.

In "Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood", John Piper's opening chapter* illustrates how his mother necessarily did many of the jobs that his father would because his father was away a lot. The difference was the way she "loved" her husband's leadership and work when he was home.

It wasn't a difference between skills and strength, but disposition.

I guess the training has a lot to do with seeing the connection between chores and relationships.

I guess other things we would want to teach are the value and dignity of doing chores and how they are connected to serving Jesus.

* John Piper A Vision of Biblical Complementarity

In a later comment, Cathy says

I think they will both learn to do the same things, but will perhaps get more experience in some tasks than others (ie. the degree of competence might vary, although I expect there will be some skill in most tasks).

As they grow, I imagine there will be some differentiation in responsibilities, but still a wide range of skills developed.

You can follow the string on chores here. Please add any thoughts of your own to the comments!

image is from richies at flickr

a question for you about chores

The other day I praised my kids for cheerfully helping out around the house. (Well, they were cheerful that day, anyway. There's plenty of complaining on other days.)

My son said to me, "You know why we're becoming more cheerful helpers, Mummy? It's because we have more to do now."

In other words, you've given us more chores, so we're more used to them, so we're more cheerful about doing them. Hmmm. I'm not sure his sister would agree.

Steve and I have been thinking a lot about which chores to give our kids to do around the house. Vacuuming their rooms? Unpacking the dishwasher? Weeding? Putting out the rubbish? Cooking? Hanging out clothes? Our kids do bits and pieces of all of these.

Here are some of the questions going through my mind:

Should girls be given different chores to boys?
Should kids get rewards, like pocket money, for doing chores?
Should kids be given a say in which chores they do?
Should kids be given unpleasant chores as well as fun ones?
How do chores help build a child's character?
How do chores prepare kids for independent adulthood?
How do chores train kids for adult roles as men and women?

I'm really interested to hear your reflections on kids and chores. Here's some questions to get you thinking about your own experience:

What did your parents do well when they handed out chores?
If you're a woman, did your mum train you to manage a home? How did she do this?
If you're a man, did your dad train you to care for a home and family? How did he do this?
Do you wish your parents had trained you in ways that they didn't?

If you're a mum or dad, what kinds of chores do you give your kids?
Do you give boys different chores to girls, and why?
How are you training your daughter(s) to manage a home, and your son(s) to care for a home and family?
What are you trying to achieve when you give out chores?

Pick one question, or three or four - I don't mind! - but I'd love to hear what you think about kids and chores.

You can comment here.

image is from stock.xchng