a question of childcare (4b) research - Peter Cook 's Mothering Denied - studies of childcare

A few weeks months ago I told you about Peter Cook's online book, Mothering Denied (yes, I did lose track of my series on childcare while I wrote for EQUIP books; and no, I haven't forgotten about my childcare series, although it looks like I'll be finishing it in the new year!).

My last post in this series was on what Peter Cook says about the ideologies underlying childcare. I was challenged by his comments on feminism and the pressure on women to return to the workforce.

But it's when it comes to studies of childcare that Peter Cook's arguments become uncomfortably compelling. Childcare, it seems, has negative effects proportionally related to the big three: too early, too much, too long. Here are some of the findings of respected studies (often government-sponsored studies sympathetic to childcare) as described in Mothering Denied.

• Affordable care is low-quality care. "High quality care" is often claimed by childcare centres, but in reality, is nearly unachievable. High quality care includes staff responsiveness, warmth and sensitivity to infants; a carer-infant ratio of 1:3 for children under 3 (1:5 is usual in Australian childcare); no more than one change of caregiver in a year (i.e. low staff turnover); and, preferably, the same carer continuing with a particular group of children from year to year. Which gives you some idea of what to look for in a childcare centre!
• You can't expect a childcare worker unrelated to your child to love and delight in your child. What is often lacking even in good childcare centres is the positive, joyful, spontaneous interactions which take place between a mother and child, because crying babies take attention from happy ones.
• Infants react to separations from their mother first with 'protest' (loud crying), then 'despair' (apathy and withdrawal), then 'detachment' (the child seems to settle but is emotionally distant from the mother). Evaluating a child's response to childcare needs to take all these into account, not just lack of crying.
• Studies show that increased hours of childcare during the early years leads to increased risk of insecure attachment between mother and child, and maternal insensitivity to the child's needs; aggression and disobedience or withdrawal and sadness during childhood; and abnormal levels of the stress hormone cortisol into the teen years. Too much early childcare may diminish a person's long-term ability to form relationships of intimacy and trust, and their ability to bond with their own children when they become parents.

• Some infants are tough and resilient and others are tender and vulnerable, so the impact of childcare will differ from child to child.
• Childcare may be preferable to mother-care for children of mothers with depression or mothers who don't prioritise motherhood; best quality care can also improve educational outcomes for children from lower socio-economic backgrounds
• Penelope Leach's anonymous study found that most infant mental health professionals privately believe that it's very important for infants to have their mothers available to them for most of every 24 hours, ideally until the child is over 2 years of age (although they are often unwilling to admit this publicly).
• Childcare workers are amongst the lowest paid in our society, leading to high staff turnover and inexperienced staff. But the childcare industry is powerful and wealthy, and unwilling to reduce profits by increasing quality of care, for example by increasing carer-infant ratios.

• By 2007 over 25% of babies in Australia were in childcare before they were 12 months old.
• Surveys from 24 countries show that the great majority of mothers believe that mothers should not undertake paid work that requires them to leave their children while they are of preschool age (in Australia 71% of mothers thought this; 27% favoured part-time work; and only a tiny minority favoured full-time work).
• The cost of subsidising childcare for under-2s is similar to the cost of generous parental leave for 2 years - in Sweden, either parent can take up to 3 years' parental leave, much of it paid; they can choose between high-quality childcare or a home-care allowance (which most parents prefer); and the right to work 6-hour days on reduced salary until the child is 8. I'm moving to Sweden! :)

What are the implications for you and me? I guess to take a close look at the facts before we consider putting our children in childcare (I'd suggest that you read Steve Biddulph's Raising Babies before you read Mothering Denied). Use childcare as little as possible, especially for children under 3 - at this age, infants' main need is consistent care from an attached carer who loves them. If you do use childcare, choose your centre very carefully (see the first point above); observe your child closely for ill-effects (not just crying, but also emotional withdrawal - see the third point); and avoid the big three: too early, too much, too long.

first image is from Mothering Denied; others are from Stephane Delbecque, swo_co, and CastleGonyea at flickr

is there value in developing a theology of motherhood?

I wrote this in response to Simone's reflections on my posts on childcare: attitudes and childcare: implications, in which I tried to develop a theology of motherhood and apply it to childcare. I thought you might be interested to see it.

It's been said that there is little value in developing a theology of motherhood. This is because:

1. the Bible is reasonably silent on the subject of motherhood
2. we’re free to run our households as we see best for us and our children
3. motherhood isn’t an especially sacred task - it’s one of the many spheres of life in which we work out our salvation

I’m not so sure. Here’s why:

1. I think there’s value in developing a theology of anything at all, let alone something as significant as motherhood. As the gospel shapes our minds (Rev 12:1-2) it will shape the way we see everything. Our theology - our beliefs about God, the gospel, ourselves and the world - will shape all our thoughts and decisions, whether unconsciously or consciously. So let’s make sure our theology is a good one – about motherhood or anything else!

2. We all have a theology of God, the world and everything, including motherhood, even if we don't admit or examine it. People will sometimes say "I don't have a philosophy of life" or "I'm not into theology" but we all constantly interpret the world and our circumstances. It's better to have an examined theology than an unexamined theology.

3. The Bible doesn't have to mention something – not even once! - to give us a theology of it. For example, the Bible doesn't mention chocolate cake. But it does tell us lots about creation and this will shape the way we view and eat chocolate cake (with self-control and thanksgiving). So the fact that the Bible may be “relatively silent” on the topic of motherhood (although I’m not sure this is true!) doesn’t mean it doesn’t give us a theology of motherhood.

4. Yes, there are issues of freedom, and we shouldn’t lay down rules about them. The individual decisions you and I make as a result of our theology of, say, motherhood, will differ depending on personality, culture and circumstances. But our unique, individual decisions still flow from our theology. If we think God calls mothers to love our children, as you say, then this will shape our decisions on issues like bedtimes and childcare, although our individual decisions will differ. We can talk about our theology, and then discuss how to apply it.

5. Yes, motherhood is no more and no less sacred than anything else – in fact, everything is sacred if it’s made holy by the word and prayer (1 Tim 4:4-5). But Paul does make it clear that motherhood is one of the primary spheres for women with children in which we work out our salvation, and that it will also be a sphere which we will often be tempted to shirk for apparently more significant ministries (1 Tim 2:11-15, 5:9-15, Tit 2:3-5). This has practical implications which will affect our choices about the decisions of everyday life, including childcare.

What do you think?

image is by Nic Temby at flickr

a question of childcare (4a) research - Peter Cook 's Mothering Denied and the ideology of childcare

You won't find a stronger opponent to childcare* than Dr Peter Cook! My friend sent me a link to his free online book Mothering Denied, and I read it with astonished fascination from first page to last.

He brings together five lines of evidence for what he calls a "natural, biologically-based, best-fit pattern of human mothering" (p.10):

1. the kind of mothering produced through natural selection

2. the benefits of breastfeeding for physical and emotional development

3. early 20th century studies on the importance of attachment

4. how mothers' and infants' brains are affected by the mother-child bond

5. studies comparing the effects of mother-care and daycare

You can see that he covers a lot more than childcare! He's really defending a particular approach to mothering - attachment parenting - where the mother carries and sleeps with her infant, feeds on demand, doesn't follow a routine, breastfeeds (when possible), and (more importantly!) forms a strong, affectionate, joyful relationship with her children, within the context of a supportive extended family.

I have some major issues with this book. Peter Cook's arguments often seem more speculative than scientific: his view of motherhood is based largely on theories about the evolutionary development of humans, the structure of hunter-gatherer societies, and comparisons with other mammals and how they care for their infants. But he also makes many valuable observations.

There are two main ideologies he sees as contributing to the undermining of natural mothering: Christianity (and restraint parenting) and feminism (and cultural determinism).

His view of Christianity is interesting, to say the least! He argues that the doctrine of original sin is responsible for harsh discipline and for treating babies' needs as impositions to be ignored. But his alternative - that if we satisfy infants' needs and gently encourage them to respect others, they will grow into self-regulating children who rarely (if ever!) need punishment - is naive (p.93). There has to be a place for a combination of loving attention and sensible discipline!

But he has some fantastic observations about feminism and its impact on how we think about motherhood. Equality feminists saw the differences between men and women as culturally determined, replaced the words 'mothering' and 'fathering' with words like 'parenting' and 'caregiver', and "engineered social policies that pressured women back into the 'workforce,' mostly against their real wishes, and as if rearing infants only involved 'work' when you are not the mother" (p.5).

It's scary to read Simone de Beauvoir's words about motherhood:

No, we don't believe that any women should have that choice. No woman should be authorized to stay home to raise her children. Society should be totally different. Women should not have that choice, precisely because if there is such a choice, too many women will make that one. (p.66 my emphasis)

And this is the philosophy our society's views about motherhood are based on! The leaders of the feminist movement - Betty Friedan, Simone de Beauvoir and Germaine Greer - all had second thoughts when they were older. Yet the "entrenched orthodoxy of equality feminism" (p. 67) has had an enormous impact on our society's policies on work and childcare.

Women feel strong internal and external pressure to return to work and put their children into childcare. As Peter Cook observes, it doesn't help that housing prices often require two incomes, or that the joy of motherhood is undermined by the isolation of modern urban life and the breakdown of the extended family.

As Christians, we'll take our view of motherhood from the Bible, not biology. We'll try to lovingly meet the needs of our babies, although not all of us will practise "attachment parenting" as Peter Cook recommends. But his observations about feminism and its impact on our view of motherhood are sobering. I guess it shows how important it is to be aware of the ideologies underlying our choices about childcare.

This post is already too long, so I'll save Peter Cook's observations about studies of childcare for another day!

* I'm using "childcare" to mean the care of children in a professional childcare centre.

image is from Playgroup Australia

a new paragraph on childcare

It may look like I've forgotten about childcare, but I haven't! I've been taking some time to read and reflect on the issues, and I'll share what I've discovered during the next couple of weeks. I've also added a new paragraph to my original post a question of childcare (1) attitudes. Here it is:

wisdom and motherhood
While it's right to talk about the "high calling" and "sacrifice" of motherhood, we mustn't forget that we're creatures, not the Creator. God made us to need sleep, rest and exercise. This includes mums! If we saw someone working 24/7 without rest, we'd rightly be concerned. But we often have this expectation of the ideal SAHM. It doesn't help that mums in our society are often shut away from adult company and the support of extended family. Some women thrive in this context, but others struggle. It's important to be aware of what helps us stay emotionally and physically healthy as we serve our families (exercise? mental stimulation? adult company?), and to try to work out ways to make these things happen - but only to the benefit, not harm, of our children.

image is from stock.xchng

a question of childcare (3a) practicalities - contributions, please!

I'm taking a week or so off my childcare posts to read and reflect before I write the next one. It's supposed to be about "practicalities" - an impossibly huge task, now I come to think about it!

What I'd like to address is some of the practical issues which were raised by my previous posts on childcare. Obviously I won't be able to address every issue and every situation, and I'm no expert anyway, just a woman like you, muddling through how to apply the Bible to our lives!

I thought I'd give you a chance this week to ask any practical questions which were raised for you by my previous posts. I don't promise to answer them - but maybe other readers will have a go! Here's some I've thought of, just to get you started. Please add your own questions (or answers!) to the comments.

• You say that burnout or depression may be good reasons for considering childcare. How do I tell if I'm approaching burnout or depression? What are some helpful steps to take before I consider childcare?
• My child is very active and social and thrives around other kids, but is hard to entertain at home. Is childcare a good option for kids like mine?
• What if childcare makes me a better mother?
• We've decided our family needs childcare to survive. How should we choose between different kinds of childcare?
• I agree that childcare isn't the best option, but my kids are in childcare and it would be disruptive to pull them out now. What should I do?

Feel free to have a go at answering these questions (especially the last couple - I'm a bit stuck on those two!! - in fact, now I think about it, I'm stuck on the second one too) or add your own questions to the comments.

image is by tantek at flickr

a question of childcare (2) implications

And so we come to the specific issue of childcare (and I'm tempted to run away very, very fast! I'm taking a deep breath now ... ). Please forgive the length of this post: this is a complex issue! You might want to print it out or bookmark it and read it over a few days.

Last week, we talked about the theology of motherhood. We saw that motherhood takes its shape from the gospel. Jesus’ death frees us from rules about issues like childcare. But Jesus doesn’t free us to live however we like. He frees us to love others with the sacrificial love of the cross. He shows us the shape of this love for mothers: to be busy at home as we help our husbands, love our children and are rich in good deeds towards others. The question each of us faces is this:

How can I, in the situation God has put me in, best fulfil my responsibility to love, discipline, teach and train my children?

What are the implications of this view of motherhood for childcare? I'll do my best to be careful and biblical in what I say, but because this is an issue of wisdom, you'll have to decide if these principles are true to the Bible and how they apply to your situation (if unsure, ask a wise, older, experienced Christian woman who can speak to your circumstances). Here are some suggestions:

we're free to use childcare if we are in need
Childcare centres are a good provision from God for those in need - a provision which has been supplied in different cultures in different ways, but which is given to us in this way. The single mother who needs to support her family financially but who is estranged from her parents. The mother sliding towards depression and burnout who has no supportive husband to help bear the load. The woman with chronic fatigue syndrome without a close Christian community to step in and help. Childcare not be ideal, but it may be the only option to keep your family fed and functioning. If so, use it with thanksgiving, and trust God to supply your children’s needs.

we will generally choose not to use childcare
Studies have shown that childcare centres aren't usually ideal for young children. Childcare is a good gift of God for those of us in financial, physical or emotional need, when we have no other sources of help. But it's not the ideal. While some other kinds of childcare may be preferable for young children (for example, a trusted grandparent) even this shouldn't dominate our children's week. Here's three reasons why:

• it's our responsibility as parents to love, discipline, teach and train our children, a responsibility we can't hand over to others, but which will require us to be engaged, involved, aware, willing and wholehearted in our parenting*
• young children need the security of a loving, consistent care-giver, and the best person to fill this role is their mother, to whom God has given this responsibility and the unique characteristics to carry it out, with the support of their father, extended family and the Christian community
• I want to be around for my children's first years - for all the joy of milestones and those few, precious years at home!** I'm often tempted to put this reason first in my thinking, but really it's a distant third, and it may not feel relevant to everyone.

we won’t put these things before caring for our children:
1. career
On the day I conceived my first child, I received a new “career” from God: motherhood. It demands more than any career, but receives less recognition and no remuneration! Many of us will need to make the difficult decision to fall behind in our career or training in order to fulfil our responsibilities to our children. We may also need to plan for a lifestyle (home, education, place and standard of living) which is compatible with a single income. If work is so important to me that I can’t give it up, I may need to examine myself to see which hole it's filling in my heart (approval? security? meaning? affluence?) and remember that my meaning, security and joy come from God.

2. outside ministry
If I'm doing outside ministry because, at some level, it feels more "important" than motherhoood, then why aren't I valuing the ministry of motherhood more highly? A wise older woman asked, “When you look back on the years when your children were at home, will you regret spending so much time discipling others that you never discipled your own children?” We shouldn’t idolise our families to the extent that we neglect people in our church and community, but during our years with young children at home it’s probably best to focus on ministry we can do from our homes or with our children.

3. relaxation
We all need rest and recreation. We're creatures, not the Creator, and it’s pride to think that we can work forever without a break. I think that it can be wise to take a few hours away from children each week to pray, reflect and rest, although we shouldn’t think of it as a “right” just because other mums or our husbands get a break. There are better alternatives to professional childcare during this time for most of us (see below) but looming depression or burnout, or a lack of other options, may make childcare necessary or helpful for some of us.

we’ll look for wise alternatives to professional childcare
If childcare centres aren't usually ideal for young children, perhaps there are better alternatives, especially if it’s for a few hours a week. Here’s some ideas (not all will be possible in your circumstances, for example if you live away from family and friends):

• ask your husband (or accept his offer!) to care for your children for a couple of hours a week so you can have some time to pray or relax
• structure “down time” into your day and train your children to respect it – a homeschooler I know instituted “reading hour” so that she gets a quiet hour after lunch every day
• ask a trusted grandparent to mind your children for a regular time each week, or to care for children for longer periods if you are in need (but don’t presume on this – your parents are not your child’s parents!)
• swap the care of children for a morning week and week about with a trusted friend
• pay for a trusted individual – perhaps a young woman from your church – to care for your children for a few hours a week, to supply consistent one-on-one care
• ask for help from an older Christian woman, or accept help when it’s offered by someone you trust

we'll love each other by caring for one another's children
You have to ask why professional childcare is even necessary for Christian women, since we belong to a new extended family: the body of Christ. If I see my sister in need of a break, or a single mother bearing the load alone, why does she need childcare? Aren't there women (maybe me!) in the church who can rally round and help? If you don't need to work for financial reasons when your kids go back to school, why not plan to become a Titus 2 woman who can help younger women in this way? I thank God for the young woman who cared for our children a morning a week so that I could rest and recuperate when my babies were little, but who consistently refused payment. Open your eyes and have a look around your church, and I’m sure you’ll see mums in need of help!

when possible, we’ll choose work and ministry we can do while still being available to our children
I think it's helpful to choose ministries you can do from home (e.g. missional mothering) or where you can take your children (while being fair to those you minister to! – e.g. a mum’s Bible study). If you’re in financial need, perhaps you could work from home or choose a job which is child-friendly. My friend cleaned houses and minded a friend’s children rather than pursuing her professional career to give her kids consistent care. Sometimes our exhaustion in parenting comes from the idea that we need to provide intense one-to-one activities every moment of the day, when it can actually be good for our children to be with us, observing us as we pray, rest, work and serve others, but not having all of our attention all the time.

what about the Proverbs 31 woman?
A number of you have asked about the Proverbs 31 woman, and about women in other cultures and at other times. Didn’t the Proverbs 31 woman work while servants helped care for her children? Don’t women in other cultures and didn’t women in other times share the care of children between members of an extended family or community? I wonder if their situation is less like using professional childcare, and more like what I’m suggesting: doing work (for the sake of our families, not ourselves) and ministry from a home base, and being part of a Christian community where we help one another care for our children.

meaningful motherhood
I know that what I’m suggesting is counter-cultural and challenging: that we put caring for our children above career, outside ministry, and relaxation, and generally don’t use professional childcare unless it’s necessary for emotional, physical or financial reasons. Thinking about this issue has certainly challenged my own priorities!

The world tells us that motherhood is of very little significance. It asks why I haven't got a "real job", why I'm not "pursuing my interests", why I'm "neglecting myself" for the sake of my children, why I'm not "achieving" something "important", why I’m not working for a better “lifestyle”, why my husband has a right to his career while I'm falling further behind in mine.

The gospel gives motherhood eternal significance. It asks bigger questions: why I'm not responding to Jesus' sacrifice of his life by giving my life in the service of others. Why I'm not fulfilling God's call to love my husband and children. Why I'm not absorbed with the kingdom goal of raising my children to love and serve Jesus, and using our home to reach out to others.

I pray that whatever decisions you and I make about childcare, that we will make them in wisdom and love, and that we will stay faithful to the great responsibility God has given us: to love, discipline, teach and train our children.

*I'm aware you could extend this reasoning to pre-school and school, and I have great respect for those who home-school because of this principle. We send our kids to school so we can be involved in evangelism with them, and so they can learn to relate to unblievers and to respond to non-Christian worldviews with our guidance, but I know that many would save this on-the-job training for a later date! In Australia, pre-school often doesn’t run for too many hours a week, and it's a good bridge between home and school.

**see Steve Biddulph's "Seven Shameless Reasons For Staying At Home When Your Kids Are Small" in More Secrets of Happy Children

images are from stock.xchng and from Castle Gonyea, R.Motti, locket479, and zumerzetbill at flickr

a question of childcare (1) attitudes

Never ask a question if you're not willing to be laid bare by the answer.

What started as an academic question for me - "Should SAHMs with young children use childcare so they can have a day off?" - has challenged me in unexpected ways.

It's driven me back to questions of first importance: how should we address questions of freedom? What's the meaning of motherhood? It's made me think about the broader issue of childcare. It's forced me to take a close look at my own life and priorities. Thank you so much for your comments, which have helped to sharpen and clarify my thinking.

I don't think I can tackle the issue of childcare in one short post. I'll cover it in a number of posts:
1. attitudes - how do we decide issues of freedom? What is God calling us to as mothers?
2. observations - what implications does this view of motherhood have for childcare?
3. research - what do studies show about childcare?
3. practicalities - what are some of the specifics we need to take into account as we make decisions about childcare?
4. examples - stories of friends of mine who have used or not used childcare with love and wisdom

Let's start with first principles.

motherhoood and the gospel
Have you ever noticed how many books on womanhood and parenting are dominated by rules, programs and "how to's"? We're left with a view of motherhood shaped more by rules than by the gospel, leaving us proud or guilt-ridden. But the gospel does two things:

• it frees us from the condemnation and rule of the law to live in the freedom of God's grace
• it shows us the shape that this freedom takes: the shape of Jesus' sacrificial love

Jesus gave up everything - glory, honour, happiness - to become human and die an ugly death under the anger of his dear Father for our sake. God calls us to be like his Son: to lay down our selfish ambitions to pour ourselves out in sacrificial love (Phil 2:1-11). Every mother knows that motherhood demands great sacrifice. It's a sacrifice we make not only because we love our children, but because our hearts have been captured by the gospel. The shape of motherhood is the shape of the cross.

free ...
As many of us have observed, there are no rules in the Bible about childcare. This shouldn't surprise us: as Christians, we're under grace, not law (Rom 6:14). When Jesus died, he set us free from law (Rom 8:2). God doesn't give us a set of rules and tell us to live by them. It's incredibly easy as parents to stand over one another in proud judgement on matters of freedom.

... to love
But this doesn't mean we're free to live however we like. God has written a new law on our hearts by his Spirit: the law of love (Jer 31:33, Rom 13:8-10). "You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love" (Gal 5:13 - see this talk HT Simone). The shape of freedom is the shape of love. When making decisions as mothers, the question is not "What can I get away with?" but "How can I best fulfil my responsibility to love those God has given me to love - my husband and children?".

the shape of mother-love
Love isn't some general, vague concept for mothers. Mother-love takes its shape from God, the life-giver, the God of compassion and comfort (Gen 3:20, Is 49:15, 66:13, 2 Cor 1:3 - see this talk). God gives mums and dads the awesome responsibility of loving, disciplining, teaching and training their children (Deut 6:5-9, 2 Tim 1:5; 3:15, Tit 2:3-5). Men fulfil this role primarily as they lead, love and provide for their families; women as they help their husbands and bear and nurture their children (Gen 1-3, Eph 5:22-33). God reminds mothers, tempted in the first century, as we are now, to escape the small world of raising children for publicly recognised work and ministry, that Jesus died to save us as we work within this role, not as we escape it (1 Tim 2:15). He describes the shape of mother-love: loving our husbands and children, being self-controlled and pure, and being busy at home and rich in good deeds (Tit 2:3-5, 1 Tim 5:9-15).

the high calling of motherhood
It's so easy to lose sight of the privilege of motherhood when we're changing a nappy, settling a quarrel, or waking to another long day at home with kids. I found Sharon James' chapter "Only a Mum?" in God's Design for Women a helpful reminder of what motherhood is all about: helping my children to love and serve Jesus and to introduce others to him. This eternal perspective gives meaning to the mundane tasks of motherhood. The world tells us that motherhood is demeaning and unimportant ("Is that all you do? Do you work?"). God tells a different story: that motherhood is of infinite value in his eyes.

wisdom and motherhood
While it's right to talk about the "high calling" and "sacrifice" of motherhood, we mustn't forget that we're creatures, not the Creator. God made us to need sleep, rest and exercise. This includes mums! If we saw someone working 24/7 without rest, we'd rightly be concerned. But we often have this expectation of the ideal SAHM. It doesn't help that mums in our society are often shut away from adult company and the support of extended family. Some women thrive in this context, but others struggle. It's important to be aware of what helps us stay emotionally and physically healthy as we serve our families (exercise? mental stimulation? adult company?), and to try to work out ways to make these things happen - but only to the benefit, not harm, of our children.

evaluating our decisions
The question isn't really "Is childcare evil?" or "How many days a week should Christians use childcare?" This is a bit like asking "How far can I go?" when talking about sex before marriage!** The real question is much bigger, and it confronts every married woman with children: "Am I fulfilling the high calling that God has given me - to love and help my husband and, with him, to love, teach and train our children as we raise them up in Christ?" The details of our decisions will vary according to our individual circumstances, and some of us may well need to use childcare, but all of us who are mothers need to examine our choices in the light of this priority. God has entrusted our children to our care: how will we respond?

love, not judgement
I hope that if you see me getting off-track in my priorities as a wife and mother, whether it's an issue of sin or wisdom, that you'll love me enough to speak gently to me about the choices I've made. In the same way, one of the ways I will show my love to you is to do that for you. This isn't a matter of me sitting in proud judgement over you, or you over me: surely we both know that we make mistakes in mothering every day! God gives us one another so that we can teach, admonish and encourage each other, without quarreling or back-biting (Col 3:16, Eph 4:15, Heb 3:12-13, Gal 6:1-2, Jam 5:16, 2 Cor 12:20). One of the ways we can do this is to speak the truth in love to one another, even in this public forum, as we talk about how the gospel shapes the decisions we make as mothers.

implications
There are all kinds of ways we can neglect the high calling of motherhood. For me, it's by piling (good) ministry on (good) ministry until the far more significant ministry of loving, teaching and training my children is downgraded or squeezed out. My sister in Christ may tick all the SAHM boxes, but ignore her children's needs as she chats with friends on the phone or cleans the house a dozen times a day. Another friend may give her children over to the care of others, not because she's in real need, but so that she can pursue her career or because her husband has his interests and she has a right to hers as well. We all need to rethink our priorities in the light of this question:

How can I, in the situation God has put me in, best fulfil my responsibility to love, discipline, teach and train my children?

Next time I'd like to talk about the implications of the theology of motherhood we've talked about today for the decisions we make about childcare.

* I've covered a lot of theology in an extremely small space here! If you want to chase up the issues, I suggest you start with Sharon James' wonderful and very readable book God's Design for Women then move on to John Piper's (ed.) Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.
** Yes, I know the parallel is not exact - sex before marriage is wrong, although the stages towards it may not be; childcare is not wrong, although it can be misused. But in both cases there's no exact line - "This far and no further" - but only the higher goal of protecting and loving the other person.

first two images and images of sign and mug are from stock.xchng, other images are from WolfSoul, hugrakka, and Lucy Suzy at flickr