what I'm reading: the heart of busyness from Tim Chester's The Busy Christian's Guide to Busyness

The book which has done most to help me unpack my busyness - why I get too busy, how to tell if I'm too busy, and what to do about my busyness - is Tim Chester's The Busy Christian's Guide to Busyness (reviewed by Nicole here).

The most helpful thing Tim Chester does in his book is to talk about the why of busyness: the lies we believe which make us overly busy. Here's what he says about busyness, how to tell if it's a problem, and how over-busyness reveals our hearts.

There's nothing wrong with being busy. The truth is most of us like being busy ... Busyness itself is not a problem. In anybody's life there will be periods of intense activity. The problem comes when we are persistently over-busy. If you life doesn't reflect the biblical pattern of work and rest then something is wrong ...

If God doesn't expect me to do more than I can, the key question to ask ourselves is: Why am I trying to do more than I can? ...

I want to suggest that much, perhaps most, of the pressure to be busy comes from within. ... At the heart of our busyness is our heart. We're busy because we're working hard to meet the desires of our hearts. ...

Think about what that might mean for your busyness. Do you ever think your busyness is inevitable, unavoidable or appropriate? I want to suggest that it may be none of those things. It may be that your heart is deceiving you. ...

The test you need to apply to your busyness is this: if it produces bad fruit then it reflects the evil desires of your heart. ... If your health, marriage, friendships, Christian service or relationship with God is suffering because of your busyness then you need to address the idols in your life. You need to identify the desires of your heart that make you try to do more than God expects of you.

That's exactly what I want to do during the first posts of my new series on busyness: to talk about the lies behind my, and perhaps your, busyness. What are the idols of your heart which drive you to do more than God expects from you?

Excerpts are from Tim Chester's The Busy Christian's Guide to Busyness pp. 35, 78-84.

CS Lewis on love, feelings and the will

On Monday I mentioned that it's not just our beliefs that change our behaviour, but also our behaviour that changes our beliefs.

Actually, it's not so much that our behaviour changes our beliefs (change is from the heart) but that our behaviour strengthens our beliefs when it comes from a changed heart.

If a small, weak, faltering faith acts in love and obedience, this love and obedience will rebound and grow that faith. Faith and repentance grow stronger as they express themselves in love.

Here CS Lewis says something similar: that the choice to love grows the feeling or attitude of love.

Love, in the Christian sense, does not mean an emotion. It is a state not of the feelings but of the will ...

Do not waste time bothering whether you 'love' your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him. ...

This same spiritual law works terribly in the opposite direction. ... The more cruel you are, the more you will hate; and the more you hate, the more cruel you will become — and so on in a vicious circle for ever.

Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of. An apparently trivial indulgence in lust or anger today is the loss of a ridge or railway line or bridgehead from which the enemy may launch an attack otherwise impossible. ...

On the whole, God's love for us is a much safer subject to think about than our love for Him. Nobody can always have devout feelings: and even if we could, feelings are not what God principally cares about. Christian Love, either towards God or towards man, is an affair of the will. If we are trying to do His will we are obeying the commandment, 'Thou shalt love the Lord thy God'. He will give us feelings of love if He pleases. We cannot create them for ourselves, and we must not demand them as a right. But the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him.

from CS Lewis Mere Christianity chapter 9

images are from Divine Harvester and ' B a r c a at flickr

how we change (9) what will you choose?

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (Eph 4:22-24)

I've turned navel-gazing into an art form. A questionnaire about my idols? A thought-chart to identify my false beliefs? A journal, a pen, and an anxious heart? Give them to me, and I'm your woman.

I'll think, read, write, examine my heart, repent, analyse, pray, list, reflect, dissect, introspect, with the best of them.

In some ways, then, books like Tim Chester's You Can Change feed right into my tendency to self-absorption and my drive to perfect myself (although this isn't Chester's fault: he takes care to guard against these things).* He issues a gold-edged invitation to identify the lies and idols of my heart, and I'm the first on the RSVP list.

Don't get me wrong: every day I'm grateful for books like Chester's as I argue with my thoughts, battle my emotions and fight my besetting sins. It's important to deal with sin not just at the surface level, but at the deeper level of what I believe and what I worship.

But I've come to see that sometimes I need to stop praying and thinking and start acting. It's not just about "attitudes", it's also about "putting off" and "putting on" (Eph 4:22-24). Every day - every moment! - I stare sin in the face and have to choose to behave differently. That, I'm not so good at.

Which is why, in case you're like me, and in imitation of Elyse Fitzpatrick's Idols of the Heart, I've added a third step to Chester's two main steps for change:

1. thoughts- turning from lies to trust God's truth (faith)
2. desires - turning from idols to worship God alone (repentance)
3. will - choosing to act in love and obedience (repentance)

You'll notice that 3. is actually an extension of 2, which is why Chester deals with them together. As Elyse Fitzpatrick points out, our wills don't work independently - they follow our thoughts and desires. You can't abandon idols in your heart and not in your life. But I need help with changing my behaviour, so I like the way Elyse Fitzpatrick takes several chapters to talk about the nitty-gritty of practical change.

Perhaps it's a woman's thing. I've noticed we're much keener than the guys on thought-diaries and questionnaires and the details of daily life. This is both a disadvantage (navel-gazing, anyone?) and an advantage (we don't leave things at the level of theory).

Change begins in the heart, but it doesn't end there. Let me give you some examples:

• the woman who's been praying for years that God will improve a difficult relationship and transform her emotions. One day she realises it's time not just to pray, but to love. As she does, her attitudes and feelings begin to change.
• the woman who's terrified of crowded rooms. She avoids church and prays for God to take away her fear. But she knows she has to do the hard thing. She starts small - with a Bible study group - and works up to bigger church meetings. It's not easy, but her fears lessen with time.
• the woman who knows she should offer hospitality to her neighbours, but who's ashamed of her shabby house. She prays about her her idolatry - her need to impress people. She repents of her lovelessness. But she has to take another step: to pick up the phone and ask the neighbours over. When she does, her fears are shown to be the small things they always were.

I don't change my behaviour through a set of disciplines (though it will take self-discipline!) or in the strength of my will-power (though I do need to make a choice). God's Spirit is the great heart-changer. When I "put off" the old self and "put on" the new, I'm only doing what God has already done in me. I "work out" my salvation because God is powerfully "working in" me to "will and to act". I obey because I'm confident God has given me everything I need to be godly. **

But changing my behaviour isn't easy or automatic. It's violent, energetic and purposeful. I can play with sin, feed it, cuddle up to it. Or I can put off sin - kill it, gouge it out, throw it off - and put on obedience.**

Every moment, I can choose to resist the first intrusion of sin: the impure look, the self-pitying thought, the unkind word, the selfish act. This isn't legalism: it's a response to grace, which teaches me to say "no" (Tit 2:11-12).

Faith gets stronger as it expresses itself in love. As I stop giving in to my fears, I learn to trust God more. As I refuse to serve my idols, they become less important to me. Every time I say "no", "no" gets a little easier. I call this the faith that comes from obedience.***

If you want some help making practical changes in your behaviour, why not read Elyse Fitzpatrick's Idols of the Heart? Her practical exercises gave me a blueprint to use with any and every issue, especially when I get stuck. Because sometimes it's time not just to think, but to act.

For reflection:
What attitudes and actions do you need to "put off"? What attitudes and actions do you need to "put on"? Are there small steps that would help you with the bigger ones? Or is it time just to say "no" - or "yes"! - in confidence that God is powerfully at work in you?

* And Nicole's too, apparently!

** see Ezek 36:24-27; Eph 4:22-24, Rom 6; Phil 2:12-13;2 Pet 1:3, Eph 1:18-21, 3:20-21, Col 1:28-29). See Mt 5:29, Rom 8:13, Col 3:5, Rom 13:12, Eph 4:22, 25, Heb 12:1, Col 3:8-9, Jam 1:21, 1 Pet 2:1, Eph 4:24, Col 3:10, 1 Thess 5:8, Rom 13:14, Col 3:12, Rev 19:8.

*** If you want to explore this further, have a look at Stuart's series on this topic, where you'll find useful insights from someone working within The Crowded House church, founded by Tim Chester: The chicken of belief and the egg of behaviour, It's a heart issue, Hypercardiodynia: taking the 'heart issue' too far (Part 1), Hypercardiodynia: taking the heart issue too far (Part 2), and Back to the heart. HT Nicole

images are by gaspi your guide and kingary and TheAlieness and brioso at flickr

Elyse Fitzpatrick on idolatry

Our choices are predicated upon what we think is "good,' what we "delight in," what we find most "desirable." The truth about our choices is that we always choose what we believe to be our best good. We always choose what we believe will bring us the most delight. ...

Idolatry is a sin that has its beginning in the mind, in your thoughts, beliefs, judgements, and imagination. ... Instead of fashioning idols out of wood or stone, we fashion them in our imagination - worshiping that which we believe will bring us happiness. ... These beliefs function as gods just as surely as if we had carved them from wood or overlaid them with silver. ... We must learn to put away the gods of our imagination: gods that promise happiness in exchange for our worship.

Our longings and desires ... are the driving force behind everything we do. ... Why do we profess great love for the Lord on Sunday morning and exaggerate our successes to our boss on Monday morning? Because we have divided desires. ... [T]he desire that is strongest ... is what our will acts on. ...

My sin has its roots in my false worship. Don't be deceived: you are already passionately worshipping something. ... Learning to take great delight and joy in God is the strongest deterrent to idolatry.

Elyse Fitzpatrick Idols of the Heart: Learning to Long for God Alone 81, 110, 114, 116, 124, 144-5, 165, 202, 195

image is by WolfSoul at flickr

questionnaire - identifying the lies and idols underlying your habitual sins

If your heart is an iceberg, sinful behaviours and negative emotions are only the tip. Underneath are the lies and idols of your heart. We've been looking at the iceberg: our characteristic false beliefs and sinful desires. Today, let's start with the tip. How can you work backwards from a particular struggle to the lies and idols underlying it?

Think of a habitual sin you don't seem to be able to overcome. Or think of a situation where you often feel angry, fearful or discouraged. You can use the questions below to help you identify the lies and idols underlying this particular struggle.

I've taken these questions from Elyse Fitzpatrick's Idols of the Heart. I'll begin with her examples of common idols for women, then share a couple of her practical exercises.

Some examples of lies and idols

The lie that happiness can be found in something other than God is the fountainhead from which all our idolatry flows. What might some of these lies look like? Let me give you some examples and see if they resonate with you.

• In order to be truly happy, I must have a spouse who is godly, romantic, responsible, and a good communicator.
• In order to be truly happy, I must have obedient children who please me.
• In order to be truly happy, I must have a good job where I am respected and well paid.
• In order to be truly happy, I must be loved and appreciated by others.
• In order to be truly happy, I must feel safe from all calamity.
• In order to be truly happy, I must have enough money to live in comfort.

Identifying the lies which underlie your habitual sins

Our idolatrous beliefs become evident as we find ourselves habitually sinning in some particular way. If I discover, for instance, that I frequently respond in anger when criticized, then I need to consider what idolatrous thought or imagination is at the root of my anger. To do this, I should ask myself the following questions:

1. What do I believe about the source of true happiness in this circumstance?

2. What do I believe about God in this circumstance?

3. What do I believe about myself - my rights, my goals, my desires?

4. What am I trusting in?

Identifying the idols which underlie your habitual sins

Think back to the last time you know you sinned. ... Choose a sin that you habitually fall into, like anger, self-indulgence, or fear [anxiety], for instance. Write this circumstance down.

With this circumstance in mind, ask God to help you answer the following questions. Try not to give one-word answers that don't plumb the depth of your thoughts, desires, and fears. Each of these questions will help you to understand your idolatry, so don't hurry through your answers. Instead, prayerfully ask God, the Heart Knower, to reveal your "functional gods" to you.

1. What did you want, desire, or wish for?

2. What did you fear? What were you worrying about?

3. What did you think you needed?

4. What were your strategies and intentions designed to accomplish?

5. What or whom were you trusting?

6. Whom were you trying to please? Whose opinion of you counted?

7. What were you loving? Hating?

8. What would have brought you the greatest pleasure, happiness, or delight? What would have brought you the greatest pain and misery?

from Elyse Fitzpatrick's Idols of the Heart pp. 117, 119, 163; I've added headings, and I've added numbers to the second list

image is from stock.xchng

Tim Keller on idolatry

Our idols are those things we count on to give our lives meaning. They are the things of which we say, ‘I need this to make me happy’, or ‘If I don’t have this my life is worthless and meaningless.’

Tim Keller quoted in Tim Chester's You Can Change 110

image is by horizonatal.integration at flickr

how we change (8) what desires do you need to turn from?

"It's just a little sin." "It's really no big deal." "There are far worse things I could be doing." "I know it's not ideal, but I've got it under control." "It helps me cope with life."

Ever said things like that to yourself? I know I have! I know I do - every day.

What I don't see is the ugliness underlying the "little things". What I don't see are the idols at the heart of me. What I don't see is me bowing down to whatever it is that has captured my desires.

Have you been to a temple with an idol in it? I have. It was a long time ago, but I remember the sense of darkness and gloom in that place. Have you been to a restaurant with a little shrine hanging on the wall? Perhaps, like me, you paused between mouthfuls to reflect on the futility of making offerings to a golden statuette.

But we are no different. In our hearts, we're bowing down to idols in a dusty temple. We're making offerings in a shrunken shrine (Ezek 14:3). I set my desires on other things besides God: success, relationships, peace, happiness. I serve these idols with my thoughts, choices, time, energy, and money.

Trace a sin back to its root, and you not only find a lie, you find an idol (Rom 1:25). That's why Chester says that the key to change is to trust God instead of believing lies (faith) and to worship God instead of worshipping idols (repentance).*

Repentance is not an add-on to faith: it's the flip-side of faith. I love Chester's reminder that it's impossible to turn towards something without turning away from something else.* But this is what we try to do with God. We want Jesus, but we don't want to give up our idols.

"We always do what we want to do."* It doesn't always feel that way: I often feel like I do what I don't want to do. That's because there are competing desires in my heart (Gal 5:17). But I always follow my strongest desire. Whenever I sin, my desire for something is bigger than my desire for God. I forget that to serve anything else is to hate and despise God (Matt 6:19-24).

Take something as little as arguing. It's no big deal, is it? We all bicker and complain sometimes! It's just a way of letting of steam. It's just a little thing. But God says that arguments come from the "desires that battle within" us. We get angry when we don't get what we want, when we set our hearts on something besides God.

"You adulterous people"! That's how God responds to "little sins" like quarreling: he "envies intensely". Like a wife discovered in bed with another lover, a flippant "sorry" isn't enough. God calls us to "grieve, mourn and wail" over our divided hearts, to purify our double-mindedness, to "put to death" our idols (see James 4:1-10 cf Col 3:5)

So what do I do when I see sin in my life? When I garden (rarely!) I teach my kids to dig weeds out by the roots. I need to uproot the little beginnings of sin: the lustful look, the self-pitying thought, the complaining word. I need to plant seeds and grow habits of love, trust and thanksgiving. I might also need to dig deeper to discover and uproot the idols that underlie my sin.

If I spend too much money on possessions, what's motivating me? Maybe it's vanity, people-pleasing, or control. If I'm angry when my kids disturb my quiet evening, what's my idol? Maybe it's rest, pleasure, or peace. If I'm obsessed by our house renovations, what desires am I setting my heart on? Maybe it's security, success, or prosperity.

Identifying my idols will help me deal with the real issues underlying my sin. But there's a danger in examining our hearts: we may become introspective and self-obsessed. Chester warns against going on an "idol hunt": "A good guide is to explore your sinful desires [idols] only when you see the bad fruit of sinful behaviour and negative emotions in your life."*

It's better to spend an hour reflecting on a Bible passage about Jesus than an hour squirrelling into our inner workings. M'Cheyne gets the balance right: "For one look at yourself, take ten looks at Christ." When we realise how wonderful Jesus is, how meaningless and stupid our idols will appear!

O Israel, stay away from idols! I am the one who answers your prayers and cares for you. I am like a tree that is always green; all your fruit comes from me.* (Hos 14:8 NLT cf Ps 16:11, Isa 55:1-2, Jer 2:13, 10:5)

By all means, take a good hard look at yourself. Work out what idols underlie your anxiety, anger or discouragement. Figure out what idols are driving your greed, gossiping or quarreling. Grieve. Repent. Flee. But when you've done that, turn to Jesus, and take an even harder look at the gospel. In Jesus we will find riches so great that our idols will be shown to be the empty things they really are.

For reflection: What are the idols of your heart? When you’re angry, what aren’t you getting? When you’re anxious, what is threatened? When you’re despondent, what have you lost or failed at? When you obsess about something, what are you worshipping? When you give into sin, what are you setting your heart on? In what ways is God bigger and better than your idols?

Those who are reading Tim Chester's You Can Change along with me will have noticed that today's post is really just a summary of chapter 6. Coming up are a questionnaire to help you uncover your idols, and a more personal take on how chapters 5 & 6 of You Can Change affected me.

*these ideas and quotes are from Tim Chester's You Can Change p.77 & ch.6

how we change (7) what truths do you need to turn to?

Here's where it gets exciting. Let me introduce you to what I call "the 4 Gs". For me, the 4 Gs are the highlight of Tim Chester's You Can Change, and I'm not alone: my friend, whose life was turned upside down by God through this book, turns to the 4 Gs every day. Here they are:

1. God is great – so we don’t have to be in control
2. God is glorious – so we don’t have to fear others
3. God is good – so we don’t have to look elsewhere
4. God is gracious – so we don’t have to prove ourselves

Easy to remember, bursting with the conviction of God's loving sovereignty, full of hope: I turn to the 4 Gs every time I feel anxious, overwhelmed, depressed, discouraged, or guilty. Every time I'm tempted to value the praise of others over the praise of God. Every time I'm tempted to put my hope in possessions, pleasure, or relationships. Every time I'm tempted to prove myself through my perfectionism.

Why is it so important to turn to God's truth when we're tempted? Because every sin begins with a lie (Rom 1:25, Heb 3:12-14). You can't sin unless you believe happiness is found in something other than God. You can't worry unless you forget God's wise sovereignty over your life. You can't despair unless you doubt the love of the One who sent his Son to die for you.

I love how Chester puts it: our sin lies in the gap between "confessional faith" (what we say in church on Sundays) and "functional disbelief" (what we do and feel on Mondays). "We can sin only if we suffer from a radical loss of perspective. Only if we forget that God is great and good can we sin."

If sin begins with a lie, the cure is faith: believing the truth about God and the gospel. When the Bible talks about change, it begins with the gospel transforming our minds: "be made new in the attitude of your minds", "set your hearts" and "minds on things above" (Rom 12:1-2, Eph 4:22-24, Col 3:1-4, Heb 12:1). As we fill our minds with God's truth from his word, it burrows its way deep into us and transforms our emotions and choices.

One of the things which fascinates me about this cure - the idea that change comes as we turn from our wrong beliefs to the truth - is that it's as old as the psalms, and as new as the methods of modern psychologists.

It's as new as modern psychology. Cognitive behavioural therapy, the method now used most widely for treating anxiety and depression, is just a secular form of turning from wrong beliefs to more "realistic" interpretations of our circumstances.

Psychologists recognise that what causes my emotions and behaviour isn't ultimately my circumstances, but how I interpret my circumstances: "No-one will ever love me. I'm worth nothing if he rejects me. I can't cope if that happens." The alternate thoughts they offer are void of God, but they imitate sanctified wisdom: "It doesn't matter what people think of me. This feeling won't last forever. There will be other opportunities."

As Christians, we'll turn not only to common-sense and wisdom, but more importantly, we'll turn to truths about God: "What matters is what God thinks of me, and he loves me and sees me as perfect in Jesus. God's promises are more reliable than my feelings. My loving Father is in control of my circumstances." Alison Payne says that You Can Change “is like cognitive behaviour therapy driven by the gospel and the character of God.”

This cure is also as ancient as the Psalms. Listen to the Psalmists as they argue themselves out of fear, doubt and despondency and into trust and hope in God:

The LORD is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? ...
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God ...
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; ... he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. ...
Has God forgotten to be merciful? ... To this I will appeal: ... I will remember the deeds of the LORD ...
Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
(Ps 27:1, 42:5, 62:5-6, 77:9-12, 103:1-2)

Can you hear them arguing, begging, pleading with themselves? Can you hear them taking their glooms and fears and beating them into submission with the weapon of God's truth? Can you hear them turning their anxiety into trust and their joy into praise?

The same cure has been handed down through the ages by wise Christian writers and preachers like the Puritans and Charles Spurgeon. Who could forget the words of Martyn Lloyd-Jones:

I say that we must talk to ourselves instead of allowing ‘ourselves’ to talk to us! … You have to take yourself in hand, you have to address yourself, preach to yourself, question yourself. ... And then you must go on to remind yourself of God, Who God is, and what God is and what God has done, and what God has pledged himself to do. Then having done that, end on this great note: defy yourself, and defy other people, and defy the devil and the whole world, and say with this man: ‘I shall yet praise Him.’ (Spiritual Depression pp.20-21.)

God's truth - his word and gospel - is our greatest weapon. Let's take the great truths about God - that he is great, glorious, good and gracious - and preach them to our souls. Let's believe God's word instead of our feelings and sinful desires. Let's take the gospel and dwell on it until it lives in our minds and hearts. Only then will true change become possible - change from the inside out.

For reflection:
When you struggle, what lies are you believing? What truths about God and the gospel could you turn to?

It might help to draw up a thought chart. You'll need 4 columns: 1 = situation, 2 = moods and actions, 3 = thoughts, 4 = thoughts and actions based on God's truth. In the 1st write what situation you were in when you struggled with a particular emotion or sinful behaviour. In the 2nd write what you were feeling and what you did. In the 3rd write the thoughts that were going through your head at the time. You might like to circle the "hot thought" - the one which was most strongly connected to what you felt or what you did. In the 4th write out new ways of thinking based on truths about God and the gospel, and on common-sense and wisdom; and some new ways of acting which will support these beliefs. If you'd like to see a worked example, please contact me.

If you'd like to see or use my seminar How Change Happens, which is based on Tim Chester's You Can Change, please contact me.

Tim Chester quotes are from chapter 5 of You Can Change

images are from Giampaolo Macorig, Leo Reynolds, LU5H.bunny, twenty_questions and Dimi15 from flickr; second last image is from stock.xchng; used with permission

Tim Chester on how suffering reveals our hearts

If you saw me in the study at 7.30 in the morning reading my Bible or praying, you might think me the most godly of men. There I am: calm, peaceful, trusting. But observe me half an hour later as I attempt to marshal my daughters out of the door for school and you’d see a man who’s far from godly. I used to think of myself as that calm, gentle person – the 7.30 me – and concluded I was pretty godly! If I’m provoked to sin, then the problem must be whatever provoked me. But I’ve come to realize that the real me is the 8.00 me – the person revealed when the sinful desires of my heart are exposed by trying circumstances and annoying people. The real me is revealed when I’m too tired to keep up the pretence.

Tim Chester You Can Change 75-76

image is by ahe753 at flickr

how we change (6) when do you struggle

When do I struggle? Ah, yes. Let me tell you.

When I've had no sleep. When our new baby is waking me up every few hours. When I'm 6 weeks into babyhood and I'm coping pretty well, really, until I get the flu, which results in 2 years of persistent illness and mild PND. When I'm so exhausted that every muscle in my face aches, and I cry into the nappy bucket.

When, in my exhaustion, I give way to irritability and despair. When my tiredness pours itself out in constant, draining, undeserved anger at my husband. When I can't find a kind word for my kids. When I stare into space, wondering how it's possible to feel this bad. When I wonder how the "me" that I'd thought had grown in godliness could give way - again! - to this childish petulance.

I'm behaving like this because I've had no sleep, right? It's the sleeplessness talking, isn't it? Who do I blame in this scenario - me? Because I'm not usually like this.

Over a year ago, I wrote a post on sleep deprivation. One of you asked, "How do we measure the fruit of the Spirit when a good night's sleep is all it takes to be more godly? Is God's work in us hindered when our bodies and minds are not functioning?"

Well, I've finally got an answer. I've realised that the me I see when I'm suffering is the real me. This is me giving in to bitterness and irritability. This is me overcome by discouragement and despair. This is my heart talking. Jesus says,

No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. ... The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. (Lk 6:43-46 cf Mk 7:14-23)

Suffering can't make me sin. Suffering doesn't change what's in my heart. Suffering reveals what's already there, biding its time, waiting for an opportunity to show itself.

Just before he died, Moses said to the Israelites, "Remember how the LORD your God led you ... in the desert ... to test you in order to know what was in your heart." (Deut 8:2) In the heat of suffering, their hearts produced immorality, idolatry and grumbling. (Exod 17:3, 1 Cor 10:1-14) Compare this to Job's response to suffering: "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." (Job 1:21)

It's easy to blame our behaviour on our circumstances. I was brought up this way. I was mistreated in the past. I'm just this kind of person. My kids push my buttons. My husband doesn't treat me well. If only things were different. I'm in a difficult situation. It's too hard. I've had no sleep. I can't help it! Sound familiar? As Chester says, our circumstances can trigger sin or change the shape of our sin, but they can't cause it.

Who are we really blaming when we talk like this? It's God, isn't it? But the real problem is my sinful desires:

When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. (Jam 1:13-15)

So what does suffering reveal about our hearts? Chester says it reveals two things:

Humans are always interpreters and always worshippers. ... There is a two-fold problem in the heart: what we think or trust and what we desire or worship. Sin happens when we don't trust God above everything (when we interpret in the wrong way) and when we don't desire God above everything (when we worship the wrong thing). Sin happens when we believe lies about God instead of God's word and when we worship idols instead of worshipping God.

We believe lies and we worship idols (Rom 1:25) - which is why the only solution is faith (trust God instead of believing lies) and repentance (worship God instead of idols - Mk 1:15, Eph 4:22-24).

Over the next couple of weeks we'll take each of these in turn, and talk about the practicalities of how to turn to God's truth in faith, and from our idols and sinful desires in repentance.

For reflection:
1.When you sin, do you ever think “I can’t help it”, “It’s not fair”, “If only …”, “Anyone would …”? Can you think of subtle ways you make others feel guilty for your behaviour? Who or what are you blaming?

2.Think of a particular struggle. What's happening in your heart? What lies are you believing? What idols are you worshipping?

If you'd like to see or use my seminar How Change Happens, which is based on Tim Chester's You Can Change, please contact me.

quotes are from chapter 4 of Tim Chester's You Can Change, emphases mine

images are by Olivier GR, tlonista, and Jiri Sebek at flickr

Issues in Biblical Counselling by Ed Welch

I've been listening to a fantastic talk series during the last couple of months: Ed Welch's Issues in Biblical Counselling. It's a 24 talk short course which he gave at the Melbourne PTC.

If you meet one-to-one with other Christians to disciple them, if you're in ministry or Christian leadership, or if you struggle with issues like suffering, anxiety, anger or guilt (don't we all?!) you'll find these talks encouraging and challenging.

Ed Welch talked about

• the nature of biblical counselling and the person
• the 4 staples of counselling - suffering, guilt, anger and fear
• unusual problems - mania, schizophrenia, depression, addictions

Here's some things I learned:

• Christ is the centre of the process of change. We often use the Bible like an encyclopedia of proof texts. If a word ("anorexia", "OCD") isn't there, we assume the Bible doesn't address it; and if a word ("anxiety", "anger") is there, we stick to the "relevant" verses. But the Bible is the story of Christ, and of how God saves and transforms us through the gospel. This bigger story shapes how we respond to every issue - even those the Bible doesn't name. If someone wants help with a problem, don't just look up verses which address or condemn the problem: read passages which reveal Christ and win our hearts. The ultimate solution to every problem is the gospel of Jesus Christ.
• The Bible is sufficient to deal with all sinful behaviours and negative emotions. We often divide people into body, soul/psyche and spirit. The first is treated by doctors, the second by psychologists, and the third by the church. We hand people with issues like depression, addictions and anxiety over to professional counsellors. But if you trace any psychiatric illness back to its historical roots, you'll find that people once turned to the church for help. We can learn from secular counsellors, and medication can relieve symptoms. But God's word and gospel alone can change the heart. God's word is clear - it's not just for scholars - and we'll find our answers here.
• Our behaviour and emotions come from our hearts (although our emotions are also affected by our bodies). With our hearts, our inner selves, we think and believe, and with our hearts, we worship and desire. We can't blame our actions on our circumstances, personality or upbringing: we choose how to respond. Christian counsellors often speak of the person as someone with needs for love and relationship. But our hearts are not so much empty vessels waiting to be filled, as rudders directing us towards what we desire. Our hearts are active not passive.
• The horizontal reveals the vertical. If you see me get angry, or hear me complaining, you learn that I'm ultimately angry or resentful towards God. Our emotions and actions show who has our allegiance, God or Satan. Who do we worship? Who do we trust? Whom will we serve?
• The four staples of counselling are suffering, guilt, anger and fear. We'll have lots to say to anyone who's struggling if we learn how the Bible responds to these four issues. Ed Welch spent hours talking about suffering, specifically about how he would respond to someone who was sexually abused as a child. His two talks on guilt and legalism shook my perfectionism to its core. He called the angry to become like Christ. His talks on anxiety encouraged me deeply.
• Move towards those who are suffering. If there's one thing I took away from these talks, this is it! Those who are suffering are prime targets for Satan's attacks, so even if you feel completely helpless, move towards those who are suffering. Don't ignore them, don't say nothing, don't forget to call. At the very least, say "I'm so sorry." Don't just offer to help, give practical help. If you have nothing to say, listen, and pray with them from God's word. God pursues us, so we should pursue others.
• Aim for self-forgetful love not self-esteem. The gospel is the story of the God who saves unworthy sinners not because there's anything good in us, but because he loves us for his own glory. The gospel doesn't so much encourage us to think better or worse of ourselves as less frequently about ourselves and more about Christ. True humanness is about loving others, not being loved; about glorifying God, not having my needs met.
• Ask the next question. Often, the most useful thing you can do is to ask one more question: "Why do you ...? Did you know that you ...? Do you want to change?" If you seem to be missing the point - if they're looking blank, like you're not taking them with you - stop and ask again, "What am I missing? Is what I'm saying helpful? Help me to understand what you're feeling." Walk beside people, don't stand over them.
• Find the normal in the abnormal. If someone is behaving bizarrely, or is making bizarre claims, treat them like anyone else. Ask ordinary questions: "What's going on here? Why are you doing that? Why do you feel scared?" Look for the person behind the behaviour. Listen for the issues we all struggle with: suffering, guilt, anger and fear. Ed Welch puts the Bible through its paces - is it sufficient to deal with addictions, mania and schizophrenia, and depression? - and shows how God's truth reaches ordinary people struggling with extraordinary problems.
• Christians should have a high tolerance for eccentricity. Have you noticed the space around unusual people in social gatherings? Christians should be moving towards people, not away from them! Ignore the bizarre behaviour unless it stems from deeper issues like anxiety, or leads to sin, then deal with it as you would with any other Christian, by encouraging faith and repentance. If the Bible doesn't address the behaviour, you don't need to either. If it's just odd behaviour that's putting a barrier between the person and others, don't ignore it: give honest advice out of love.
• There is hope for change. A great God is working in us through his powerful gospel by his indwelling Spirit, and he promises that we will one day be glorious creatures who perfectly reflect his glory. We should have boundless optimism for change in ourselves and others. When you see people change, take off your shoes: you are standing on holy ground.

images are from stock.xchng

from one people-pleaser to another (2)

In yesterday's post I introduced Tamar, who struggles with accepting criticism and dealing with conflict. She finds it hard to express her opinion, because she wants people to like her. I talked about what's happening at the level of Tamar's heart - that she believes people are big and God is small - and how Tamar needs a bigger view of God and his grace. Today I talk about how to give her this bigger view of God, and bring it to the level of her experience.

I can help Tamar get a bigger view of God and his grace simply by opening the Bible with her. I'd probably start with the Psalms, because so many Psalms are written by people who fear others, and who are reminding themselves of the goodness and grace of God.

Tamar will learn heaps from the Psalms. She'll learn that God is great, glorious, good and gracious. She'll be reminded how pointless it is to fear people. She'll be given practical skills like how to preach God's truth to herself. Reading the Psalms with her might be all I need to do to begin to address the issue of people-pleasing!

But that could be very esoteric. How do I bring this to the level of Tamar's experience? How do I help Tamar change how she thinks, feels and behaves?

One helpful thing to do might be to encourage Tamar to become more aware of her thoughts. When she's in a situation where she feels scared of criticism or is trying to please someone, I'd encourage her to notice - perhaps even to write down - exactly what she is thinking at that moment. It might be as simple as "I need people to like me".

I'd try to teach her to replace these thoughts with more helpful ways of thinking: to think God's thoughts after him. Martyn Lloyd-Jones says "we must talk to ourselves instead of allowing ‘ourselves’ to talk to us." Tamar needs to learn to speak God's truth to herself (Jn 8:31-32, Rom 12:1-2, Phil 4:8, Col 3:1-2, Heb 12:2-3).

So instead of "I need people to like me", she might say to herself, "It doesn't matter what people think of me. What matters is what God thinks of me, and he already loves and accepts me because Jesus died for me on the cross." I'd also encourage her to learn some Bible verses to think about when she's tempted to think unhelpful thoughts.

Over time, I know from my experience that this will change how she thinks and even how she feels. It will be a slow process, but God's truth does set us free (Jn 8:31-32).

I would also help her to start changing her behaviour. When we reach out to others in love, it helps us to become less focussed on ourselves and on how other people make us feel. Perhaps I'd give her simple challenges each week:

1. to serve someone at church in a way she finds scary
2. to say what she thinks even when it's hard
3. to ask for feedback when she does something

Sometimes acting out of what we say we believe, even when we don't feel it, can help us to trust God, because we see that he's there for us, and that the world doesn't fall apart, even when we do hard and loving things.

Finally, I'd be praying heaps with and for Tamar, because ultimately only God can change our hearts. We'd repent together of our excessive desires for the approval of others. We'd ask God to help us care more about pleasing him than pleasing people. We'd ask God to give us a bigger view of him and his grace, so that we'd be free not to worry about what people think of us, but to love them.

If I was to work through a book with Tamar (which would be an excellent option!) I'd choose from these (in order of recommendation):
Tim Chester You Can Change - helpful for just about any issue!
Edward T. Welch When People are Big and God is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man
Lou Priolo Pleasing People: How Not to be an "Approval Junkie"

images are from stock.xchng

from one people-pleaser to another (1)

On Saturday I went to "Building 1-On-1", a mentoring training day for women at Ridley College. I was on a 3-woman panel which addressed specific issues in mentoring. Here's my scenario and the first half of my response (you can expect the rest tomorrow!).

In some ways, this is a worked example of how to apply the principles in Tim Chester's book You Can Change, so if you're reading Nicole's posts on this book, you might enjoy seeing how it applies to a specific situation. I'll start with the scenario I was given:

Head in the sand – Responding when someone ignores the bad things

1. Tamar hates conflict. She seems to thrive on affirmation from others and consequently, many of her responses and reactions seem to be tailored to please the audience rather than to express her own opinion.
2. When given any criticism, no matter how constructive, Tamar tries to sidestep the issue while avoiding conflict at all cost. She will often respond by avoiding the relationship until the issue ‘blows over’ or by stopping the friendship rather than considering the validity of the comment.
3. This has created difficulty in the past as it tends to mean that Tamar doesn’t learn from her mistakes, but rather tries to ignore them. This often limits her personal and spiritual development.

How would you encourage Tamar to accept and evaluate constructive criticism and not to be afraid of conflict?

I’m a little like this myself at times, so at least I can sympathise! It's a tricky one, isn't it? How do you criticise someone for not accepting criticism when they run away from relationships when they're criticised? I don't want to destroy our mentoring relationship before it's begun!

So I'll wait till Tamar feels secure in our relationship before I challenge her about this. When I do talk with her, it won't be in a confrontational way. I'll probably begin by talking about my own struggles in this area. In my experience, when I talk about my struggles, people often say, "Me, too", and that gives me a starting point for addressing their issues.

But if she doesn't acknowledge her problem so easily, there will be a point where I'll have to gently challenge her. I'd probably say something like "I've noticed that you find it difficult to give your opinion or to accept criticism. Is this something you've noticed? Did something happen to make criticism hard for you?"

Which is all very well, but what if Tamar acknowledges that she has an issue with wanting to please people, but she doesn't want to deal with it? I can understand this: it's going to be a long and painful process.

I might need to help her see how it's keeping her from growing in Christ, or how it's stopping her enjoying relationships and loving others. I could share how hard I’ve found it to deal with my own issues, or to accept criticism and deal with conflict, but how much I’ve grown through these things. I might look at some verses which show that God wants to grow us through advice and rebuke (e.g. Prov 15:31, 19:20, 25:12).

Failing all else, perhaps I could encourage her to pray "Lord, I don't want to change, but please make me willing." Only God can help us to want to become more like Christ.

But before I get to the point where Tamar is comfortable enough with me for me to challenge her, there's a lot of groundwork I can do. I can address the underlying issues before I talk about her behaviour.

You see, according to the Bible, all emotions and behaviour come from the heart, our inner self. With our heart, we think and believe; and with our heart, we worship and desire. You can't address negative emotions and sinful behaviour without addressing the wrong thinking and idolatrous desires of the heart.

A people-pleaser like Tamar, at some level, thinks that people are big and God is small. She fears people more than she fears God, and desires the praise of people more than the praise of God. There will also be specific issues: perhaps she's a perfectionist who thinks she needs to get it right, or perhaps she feels deeply unloved.

What Tamar needs is a bigger view of God and his grace. As she gets a bigger view of God, she will start to depend less on the approval of others. She needs to know 4 truths about God (I've taken these from Tim Chester's You Can Change):

1. God is great - he is in control, so I don't need to control how people see me
2. God is glorious - he is powerful, so I don't need to fear others
3. God is good - he is my joy, so I don't need to seek happiness in the approval of others
4. God is gracious - he sees me as perfect and lovely in Christ, so I don't have to prove myself to others.

Tomorrow I'll share the second half of my response, and how I'd bring this bigger view of God to the level of Tamar's experience.

images are from stock.xchng