online meanderings - failure, singleness, love and other stuff

There was much wealth this week on the internet. Much that encouraged me and made me think. Comfort in failure and in sorrow. Gold. (And a lot of Challies.)

On loving and speaking.

How do you love the way Jesus loves? - The very question I've been asking about the year ahead. I'm adding this to my reading list. A book by Phil Ryken reviewed by Justin Taylor.

Evangelism uncomplicated - Cathy says lots of things about relaxing into evangelism - things I'm finding to be true in my own life.

On sorrow, discouragement and failure.

Looking forward - I love the way Amy writes. I love this post. Hope expressed in small things, in the face of sorrow.

Crushed (written)/(podcast) - Challies talks honestly about his struggle with pride and failure when his sermons, books and blog posts don't measure up to his standards, or to others' achievements. How comforting it is to know that I am not alone! - and that "all is well with my soul".

Post prayer satanic whispers - A truly helpful post for all who feel discouraged about their prayers (hands up, everyone!) by David Murray. HT Challies.

Self-centredness in woundedness - "'Woundedness’ is compounded self-doubt and guilt, resentment and disillusionment...As badly wounded as persons may be, the resulting self-absorption of the human heart was not caused by the mistreatment. It was only magnified and shaped by it.'" A really helpful post by Ali quoting a chapter from the Keller's book on marriage.

On failure in parenting.

For parents who have failed - Such comfort! "Even if we haven’t gotten it all right, even if we’ve trained little Pharisees or have a house full of prodigals." We've got both kinds. We are both kinds. But we have God's grace. From Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson's Give Them Grace via Justin Taylor.

Parents beware: Proverbs are not promises - Why we can't assume that because the kids turn out badly, the parents have done a lousy job. David Mathis quotes Richard Pratt HT Challies (yes, that's another 4-way link.)

On the related topic of raising boys.

Raising boys: A pep talk on The Talk - Jeff Robinson discusses a book which looks worth reading: Time for The Talk: Leading Your Son Into True Manhood (Shepherd Press) by Steve Zollos.

CS Lewis on "little cyclones" (young boys) - Now I know why I'm sometimes (often!) so tired. The main refrain of our holidays: "Quieten down! GO OUTSIDE!". Tony HT Challies.

On singleness.

How to serve "the singles" in the local church - A very helpful article by Carolyn McCulley.

On communication: oral, written and technological.

A short history of communication - "In an oral culture...word-for-word accuracy was less important than thought-for-thought accuracy." Challies answers a question I have long had about the differences between the gospels.

Empty minds, empty hearts, empty lives - “We are becoming symbiotic with our computer tools...The experience of losing our Internet connection becomes more and more like losing a friend.' ...What we are seeing is the death of memory." Challies is helpful, as always, when discussing the impact of technology on memory and friendship.

On humanity.

Pondering Psalm 139 - Ashley, a woman with a disability, writes, "I believe with every fiber of my being that I was no accident...My heart grieves for the little ones gone and the mothers and fathers who never held their tiny bodies or kissed their sweet new skin. No earthly thing can fill a chasm so deep as a child lost. The grace of the cross, though, is a greater thing than the weight of our sin, and redeeming love awaits us all."

Where does blackness and whiteness come from? - "The genetic difference between blacks, whites, browns, etc. is so marginal that we’re left to affirm Acts 17:26: 'He made from one blood all nations of men.'”

In China, human costs are built into an iPad - The human cost of our toys. (The last three are all HT Challies.)

On everything.

Nothing nothing - This quote keeps popping into my mind. I used it to discuss the existence of God with my eight-year-old just the other day. "The first basic answer is that everything that exists has come out of absolutely nothing...Now, to hold this view, it must be absolutely nothing. It must be what I call nothing nothing. It cannot be nothing something or something nothing." Francis Shaeffer quoted by Challies.

And just for fun.

A rap for crochet - For my friend Jenny, crochet-er extraordinaire. Well done, Ali! But when do I get mine?

I must write something again some time - Please do, Meredith! (But only if you're putting your family and other relationships first, and have fulfilled all your primary responsibilities, and aren't just doing it out of people-pleasing, and, and, and... :) )

when boys fight

Our two youngest boys, Thomas (6) and Andy (3), love to compete. They size each other up like belligerent roosters who want to crow from the same mound of dirt in the farmyard.

"I'm the fastest!"
"No, I'm the fastest!"
"It's mine!"
"No, it's mine!"
"I had it first!"
"No, I had it first!"
"I won the race!"
"No, I won!"
"I'm the biggest!"
"No, I am!"
"No, I am!"
"No, I am!"

You get the idea.

So I taught Thomas about a new Bible verse -

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honour. Romans 12:10

- and we started a new competition: the kindness competition. It's a competition to see who can outdo the other in kindness.

Of course, it doesn't always work. After 10 determined minutes of being "the kindest" (which involved nothing more than an absence of meanness, as far as I could see, but maybe it took a lot of self-control) Thomas boasted, "I'm the winner of the kindness competition! I'm the winner! I'm the winner! I'm the winner!"

"Thomas", I said, "to win the kindness competition you have to not say things like that. Only say kind things. Sometimes kindness means shutting your mouth and keeping the words inside."

Thomas clapped his hands over his mouth and said, "Get back inside words! Get back inside! I'll smack you if you come out! Get back! Get back! Get back! Get back, words! Get back! ...".*

I sighed, and reminded myself that it's all in the service of learning self-control - and kindness.


* His words were reminiscent of Proverbs 13:3, now I come to think of it, so maybe it's not all bad! :)

a boy's dream

My son Thomas (6) has some big ambitions.

I wish I lived in the olden time and could be a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Then I could crush big metal poles.
I could crush and kill.
I could wrestle and fight and destroy.
I could be stwong!

Ah, the sweet dreams of boyhood.

song for my boys

During the last couple of weeks I've been living to the soundtrack of Jars of Clay's latest album, The Long Fall Back to Earth.

It's a magnificant album which is only getting better around the 20th or 30th listening, but I won't attempt a review. Instead, I'll share with you the lyrics to one of the songs which (as usual!) made me cry the first time I heard it.

Boys (Lesson One) is a song from father to son about love, hope, home and the future in the life of a boy. I've been singing it to my boys. Thomas, of course, wants to know all 100 reasons why I love him, and whether there are really a google or infinity reasons - which indeed there are, for each and every one of my children. And yes, however far they run, this will always be their home.

Boys (Lesson One)

Lesson one - do not hide
Lesson two - there are right ways to fight
And if you have questions
We can talk through the night

So you know who you are
And you know what you want
I've been where you're going
And it's not that far
it's too far to walk
But you don't have to run
you'll get there in time

Lesson three - you're not alone
Not since I saw you start breathing on your own
You can leave, you can run, this
will still be your home

So you know who you are
And you know what you want
I've been where you're going
And it's not that far
it's too far to walk
But you don't have to run
you'll get there in time
Get there in time

In time, to wonder where the days have gone
In time, to be old enough to
wish that you were young
When good things are unraveling,
bad things come undone
You weather love and lose your innocence

There will be liars and
thieves who take from you
Not to undermine the consequence
But you are not what you do
And when you need it most
I have a hundred reasons why I love you

If you weather love and lose your innocence
Just remember - lesson one

boys 'n chores 'r us

Here's some pictures of boys doing chores at our house!

Valori on boys and chores

Here's some helpful thoughts about boys and chores from my friend Valori, who you might remember from all those discussions about balancing homemaking and ministry. She has 5 boys, ranging from young primary to young adult, so she knows a lot about training boys!

I found her observations about teenagers and young adults fascinating. I also found it helpful to hear someone who's complementarian in her views on biblical manhood and womanhood talk about why it's important for boys to be trained domestically. I have a lot to learn from her!

My main thought is -- I am totally FOR training boys to learn how to do household chores. My older 3 boys used to clean the whole house for me (vacuum, dust, clean bathrooms), and they have always helped with dishes and have had an interest in cooking. Plus, they all three know how to do their own laundry. And they have all had to learn to take care of babies and younger siblings, which will definitely serve them in the future! ...

I think that it's important for boys to learn how to take care of themselves ... I think it will help them to appreciate their wives one day and be able to help out at times. ... To me, it's a serving and personal responsibility issue.

As far as how I organize chores is concerned, I have never really been able to stick to a consistent "chore time" -- not that I didn't try. I had charts everywhere and well thought-out plans, but the schedule was never that predictable, especially on Saturdays, and it usually just ended up that they would do basic things like cleaning out the dishwasher, sweeping, taking care of their beds and rooms, etc., and then when it was necessary (like people coming over for a meeting or me just not being able to stand it any longer), I would have them do the other kind of stuff -- just being real here :). ...

The funny thing is, with the older boys, at times you would think I had never taught them anything! It has been interesting to watch how puberty and the teenage years have affected them in these areas. It was as if they forgot how to make their beds, load their dishes into the dishwasher, put away their shoes, socks, books, etc.! They actually don't "see" the messes! (I've heard from some of my friends that this has happened with their girls, too, but I think it's a little less severe.)

Also, during the high school years, there was a natural need to pull back from requiring them to do a lot around the house. The main goal we had during that time was for them to manage their own room and bathroom and to pick up after themselves (they also did yard work). Their school load became very heavy, they had more serving opportunities at church, and they often had outside jobs. For all of them, sports and drama were also big time commitments that we felt were valuable opportunities during those years. So it was kind of a natural transition for them, and they definitely weren't naturally inclined toward the home!

But I guess that some of it has paid off. Now my two oldest live in a house near campus with two friends, and they actually do their own laundry (Kenneth said they weren't allowed to bring it home for me to do it :) ), they cook some, and they have a cleaning rotation. It's not a spotless place, but they do a pretty good job for college guys. Then, for some reason, when they come home for the weekend, they feel they can relax and drop their backpacks, etc. wherever they want :). We try to remind them to put their things away, but I've decided I'd rather have them feel welcome and want to come home than hear me nagging them about picking up their things the whole weekend! So the house is a little messier, and I enjoy my boys and their friends.

... I think training them to do some of these things is not contrary to helping them become men who will lead their families. I think it is helpful to them. What better way to lead than from the attitude and heart of a servant? And I think that because they have seen me and Kenneth function together, where I take the primary responsibility for the home, but he is willing to jump in and serve, they have had a good example to follow in their dad. ... I am concerned that they not think they were born to be pampered and waited upon, but that when their future wives serve them in the home, they will be grateful.

As far as age appropriate chores go, I think that's kind of hit or miss, and each child is different, but overall, I think I've usually been surprised that they can do a lot more than I would have expected!

image is by from a second story from flickr

Cathy on boys and chores

You might remember my question about chores a couple of weeks ago. Today I'd like to share one of the responses I received from Cathy, of The Best Book Co-op, about how she and her husband train their son. Here's what she says:

With our four year old boy, Winton, my husband spent a bit of time memorising various Proverbs with him about diligence vs. laziness. This has given us a "language" in our household for getting work done. Winton is really excited to have any opportunity to "do diligent hands". Even his pretend play has become about doing hard work.

Steve has also been really conscious of training him in masculinity. A big part of which is that hard work is a good thing that he was created for as one of God's image bearers.

Everyday there is positive talk about taking responsibility, working hard, protecting girls and people who are not as strong as he is, serving others etc. He is enjoying learning to be a man.

We have been trying to focus on a demeanour that welcomes hard work in lots of environments (including pack up at church - which is a favourite!), rather than a list of jobs.

We are going to start an allowance (after listening to a John Piper talk on money), not as a reward for doing jobs, but as training in stewardship.

As our family grows, I am sure it will become more structured.

I am looking forward to hearing what people say about training girls!!

I was particularly challenged by Cathy's encouragement to teach kids the why as well as the what of chores, and by her suggestions about training boys to care for women.

And I agree - I'd love to hear your ideas about training girls - or boys!

image is from stock.xchng

another gun?!

Oh yes, another gun is created from an educational toy by our 5 year old son Thomas (who, despite appearances, is a gentle, affectionate child). From this:to this:And yes, that's the first thing Thomas made with this new toy. Having got that out of his system, he deigned to put some cogs together.

boys and their ... oh, whatever

Appearances to the contrary, Thomas (5) is not a particularly violent child. But you wouldn’t know it when you hear his performance poetry. The other day he was playing menacing “chords” on the piano, with a voice-over which went something like this:

"Burn – slash – treefall – poison – sword – gun – lava – rock – slime – hit – punch – kick – fire – electricity – slash – destroy … "

Boys. Different from girls from birth.

boys and their guns (2)

Two guns, designed by Thomas and his friend Jack. Thomas' has "four buttons and two shooters" and Jack's is "invisible and can turn around and shoot in four directions at once".

Another educational toy, designed for creative and open-ended play, succumbs to nefarious purposes ...

Beowulf for boys (and girls)

Hear, and listen well, my friends, and I will tell you a tale that has been told for a thousand years and more. It may be an old story, yet, as you will discover, it troubles and terrifies us now as much as ever it did our ancestors....

So roll back the years now, back to the fifth century after the birth of Christ, and come with me over the sea to the Norse lands we now know as Sweden and Norway and Denmark, to the ancient Viking lands of the Danes and the Geats, the Angles and the Jutes. This will be our here and now, as this tale of courage and cruelty unfolds, as brave Beowulf battles with the forces of darkness, first with that foul fiend Grendel, then with his sea-hag of a mother, and last of all, with the death-dragon of the deep.

The thundering, measured syllables rolled off my tongue as I read to my 9-year-old daughter.

Here's a book to add to your list of adventure story for young boys to inspire noble qualities like courage and kindness. It's a retelling of the saga of Beowulf by Michael Morpurgo, suitable for ages 5-12, depending on interest and maturity.

Morgurgo tells the legend of Beowulf with verve and flair, in the rolling, alliterative style of Old English saga, satisfyingly adapted for children. The pictures and stories are vivid and blood-thirsty enough to hold the attention of the most adventure-hungry boy or girl.

The story is filled with noble qualities: the "kindness and generosity" of that "wise guardian," king Hrothgar; the "strength, courage and firm purpose" of "brave Beowulf," the "enemy of evil;" the valour and trustworthiness of his thanes, faithful followers and companions.

Hints of Christian truth are subtly and skillfully scattered throughout the pages. A poet sings of God's "good creation" which the demonic Grendal seeks to destroy. Warriors pray for God's help before battle, and place their fate in his sovereign hands. Death is faced in confident expectation of the judgement of God which follows. The king warns the victorious Beowulf to refuse pride in his own powers, and to humbly receive victory as God's gift.

In the picture where Beowulf finally lies dead against the "death-dealing dragon" he has killed on behalf of his people, his mighty sword casts the shadow of a cross on the wall.

This is a ripper of a read, and a teaching book too! Don't miss it.

Sunday School - fruit of the Spirit - gentleness

Gentleness n. - soft and mild; not harsh or stern or severe; having or showing a kindly or tender nature; quiet and soothing.

We had a very ungentle lesson about gentleness! Very unpeachlike (a peach was chosen as our fruit-of-the-week for its softness).

Our example of gentleness was Jesus, who said:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matt. 11:28-30

Jesus could have entered Jerusalem on a war-horse and claimed kingship with the help of legions of angels, but came "gentle and riding on a donkey," an animal of peace (Zech. 9:9). He blessed children, spoke tenderly to the sick, and welcomed the humble in heart. He suffered silently when he was insulted, whipped and nailed to a cross, and called his followers to do the same.

In our Sunday School class, heavily weighted with boys, I discovered the truth of what Jerry Bridges says about the unpopularity of gentleness:

We pray for patience, we pray for love, we pray for purity and self-control. But who of us ever prays for the grace of gentleness? ... I suspect that of all the character traits of godliness, gentleness will be the least appealing to many male readers. For some reasons we seem to have difficulty believing that manliness and gentleness can be part of the same personality. Men often want to see gentleness in their mothers and wives, but not in themselves. The macho image of the non-Christian male world has a tendency to rub off, even on us.*

Our boys thought "meek" meant "weak," and wanted to be "strong" rather than "gentle." They didn't realise that gentleness is born of power rather than weakness, and true strength clothes itself in gentleness.

To keep things interesting, I invented a game called "King of the World." Each child received an envelope with a question printed on the outside, like "If you were the king of the world, how would you travel?" Inside each envelope was a verse about Jesus. Here's how our discussion went:

Q. If you were the king of the world, what would you do to someone who hit you, or tried to kill you?
A. Gleeful suggestions involving machine gun fire, atomic bombs, and spaceships with assorted alien weaponry.

Q. If you were the king of the world, what kind of followers would you want?
A. Gangsters (with torture chambers), armies full of soldiers, robots to turn my enemies into pancakes so I can eat them.

Q. If you were the king of the world, what would you do if snotty little children / pesky crowds bothered you?
A. Shoot them, drop bombs on them, tell them to get lost.

You get the idea.

Which caused much laughter, and should have been a marvellous lead-in to my teaching about Jesus and gentleness, except reading out lots of verses wasn't the way to go! Too long and wordy.

If I was to teach this lesson again, I would choose 4-6 significant examples of gentleness during the life of Jesus - his rules for his followers, his treatment of children and sick people, the entry into Jerusalem, his death for us - and showed the children a picture of each (a set of those felt figures would have been nice!) as we talked about how they showed gentleness.

But the children did enjoy making critters out of pom-poms, pipe-cleaners, felt pieces and goggly eyes. Although the boys were a little disgusted to discover the creatures had to be "gentle"! I think they would have preferred claws and fangs dripping with blood.


While they worked, we talked about whether Jesus is weak or strong (they agreed he was strong, so at least he's a hero to them!) and about how it takes strength to be gentle (not sure they got that one, but I tried).

So here's an idea for this week, especially for those guys amongst you who think gentleness is effeminate. Read a gospel, and look at the ways Jesus is tough on the self-righteous, but gentle in speech and act towards the weak and sinful. Perhaps we, too, will learn to "be completely humble and gentle; ... patient, bearing with one another in love" (Eph. 4:2).

* Jerry Bridges, The Fruitful Life, pp.141, 148

how boys see women

Ben (7) and I were discussing the purple shadows people get around their eyes when they're tired.

He said,

"I've seen women sometimes with blue around their eyes.

When they wear eye-polish."

boys and their ... lightsabers?!

Well, the older kids have been watching Star Wars recently. It seems to have rubbed off on Andrew ...

With thanks to Daniel and photoshop.

... and again

Although, as Ben (7) said, this gun really does need some animation. I think he meant ammunition. But animation would do just as well.

boys and their guns ... again

Told you boys can make guns out of anything. Even worthy educational toys like this one. Come to think of it, they haven't played with this 3D word game much at all, so at least it's being put to good use.

boys and their stories

My thoughts about boys have traced an unexpected path, from
- how different boys are from girls, to
- the destructive games played by some boys, to
- whether violent toys like guns or swords are helpful, to
- the importance of stories for boys (and girls).

So what kinds of stories should we be sharing with our boys and girls? Do the books our children read, or the DVDs they watch, inspire characteristics like love, courage and perseverance? If I was exposing our 4-year old son Thomas to tales of noble quests, would he be out slaying dragons instead of killing the world?

I've been thinking about Thomas' exposure to three kinds of story: computer games, DVDs, and books. I'll take them in turn and give you my thoughts so far. Those of you with boys - or girls - may find them interesting, or have something to add.

Thomas has always been a child who prefers computer games to books. We read to him daily, and limit his time playing computer or console games to less than half an hour a day. He plays mainly educational and problem-solving computer games, some of which, like Zoombinis (a bit like Lemmings with a quest) combine logical thinking and adventure.

Thomas also loves console games like Croc and Crash Bandicoot. They're not overly violent or bloodthirsty, and they involve overcoming obstacles and navigating various levels in a quest to overcome enemies and rescue small furry creatures. I think they're quite appropriate for the imagination of an active boy.

As for DVDs, some of the stories Thomas watches definitely appeal to the adventurous pre-school imagination: Harold and the purple crayon, The land before time, and Harry and his bucket full of dinosaurs. I love the way these stories encourage children to explore different worlds in their imaginary play. But I'd hardly describe them as noble quests, and the values they teach are pretty much limited to tolerance and overcoming fear.

We occasionally watch movies as a family like Finding Nemo and The Incredibles, which at least model courage, perseverance and family loyalty (and tolerance again - funny how often that comes up). Thomas is nearly old enough for The Chronicles of Narnia (many of Thomas' pre-school classmates already watch Harry Potter and Spiderman, but I think they're too bloody, scary and confusing for a 4-year old).

I love collecting books, and I'm always looking for the rare picture books which encourage children's imagination and sense of adventure. Here's some I'm thinking of re-reading to Thomas: Maurice Sendak's Where the wild things are, Frances Thomas' One day, Daddy, Alison Lester's The journey home, Jane Ray's The hidden forest, Crockett Johnson's Harold and the purple crayon, Jan and Stan Berenstain's Bears in the night, Anita Jeram's I love my little storybook and Paul Geraghty's The great knitting-needle hunt.

I'd like to read Thomas our picture book version of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, illustrated by Christian Birmingham. I don't usually like abridged versions, but this one's beautifully told, exquisitely illustrated, and faithful to the original.

Of course, noble or not, there's always fairy tales, like The Orchard Nursery Story Book. And there's bound to be some collections of myths and old tales re-told for a young audience which I don't know about (please tell me if you know of any!).

Most of all, I've been inspired to dust off The Children's Treasury of Virtues, a collection of stories aimed at "training the heart and mind toward good things: good habits, good attitudes, good behaviour." And yes, it's a little preachy in parts, and has a leaning towards American stories. But it's mainly a collection of fine old tales, beautifully told and illustrated: Peter and the dike, the tortoise and the hare, Genghis Khan and the hawk, St. George and the dragon, David and Goliath, Helen Keller, Theseus and the Minotaur.

Knowing Thomas, he will have his own ideas about whether he wants to listen to these stories. I'm thinking of setting aside half an hour after lunch for reading them together, and taking turns to choose a book, since the routine and choice will encourage him to read them with me. So far, he likes the idea. But we'll see how it goes!!

There's one book I haven't mentioned: the story of the greatest quest of all, an enormous collection of adventure stories which make lovely every kind of noble quality. The best book for boys - and girls - on the planet: the Bible. And we do read that to Thomas every day.

If you have any other ideas about tales of noble adventure for young children, please add your suggestions to the comments.

For the moment, chapter books are probably beyond Thomas, although I know some 4-year olds enjoy them. One of these days I'll get around to a post I've been dreaming about, on fantasy and adventure stories for older children: but that will have to wait!

And there are many other wonderful picture books I would love to mention, but again that's a post for another day.

boys and their monsters

Douglas Wilson has an interesting take on boys and their guns (well, boys and their giants and monsters, anyway). I love what he says about the importance of stories in a boy's (or girl's) life.

I'm giving you a long section to read, but trust me, you'll enjoy it, especially if you love Narnia as much as I do:

In C.S.Lewis' The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, we are given a good example of a boy who was brought up poorly. Eustace Scrubb had stumbled into a dragon's lair, but he did not know what kind of place it was. "Most of us know what we should expect to find in a dragon's lair, but, as I said before, Eustace had read only the wrong books. They had a lot to say about exports and imports and governments and drains, but they were weak on dragons."

It is a standing rebuke for us that there are many Christians who have an open sympathy for the "true" books which Eustace read - full of true facts about governments and drains and exports - and who are suspicious of great works of imagination, like the Narnia stories, or The Lord of the Rings, or Treasure Island, because they are "fictional", and therefore suspected of lying. The Bible requires us to be truthful above all things, they tell us, and so we should not tell our sons about dragon-fighting. Our sons need to be strong on drains and weak on dragons. The irony here is that the Bible, the source of all truth, says a lot about dragons and giants, and very little about drains and exports.

... [I]f our sons are to be prepared for the world God made, then their imaginations must be fed and nourished with tales about the Red Cross Knight, Jim in the apple barrel, Sam Gamgee carrying Frodo up the mountain, Beowulf tearing off Grendel's arm, and Trumpkin fighting for Aslan while still not believing in him. This type of story is not allowed by Scripture; this type of story is required by Scripture. The Bible cannot be read rightly without creating a deep impulse to tell stories which carry the scriptural truth about the kind of war we are in down through the ages. ... [T]he gospel is the story of a dragon-fight. ... [D]ragon-lore is truer than therapy-speak. ...

With this said, let's turn to a few particular suggestions. As we do, we will perhaps be accused of recommending escapist literature. This is quite right: we should want our sons to escape from all arrogant Enlightenment conceits. Left alone, they will grow up in a modernist dungeon, well-lit with pale green flourescent light. If someone comes along and hands them a key that will get them out, someone will warn them, in dire tones. "Careful. Keys are escapist."

And I do not see how I can finish this chapter without being autobiographical. I grew up in Narnia and Archenland and as a boy, considered myself as much an Archenlander as an American. All my sympathies and sentiments were there, and I still cannot read about Shasta's run toward his unknown home without being affected by it. It does no good to tell me that Narnia does not actually exist, because Puddleglum speaks for me here. He would rather live as a free Narnian, even if there is no Narnia, than to acquiesce in the belief that a dank cave was all there was to the world. This was deep loyalty, loyalty in the bones, not neo-orthodoxy. A boy could do far worse than have an allegiance to a nonexistant king. He might grow up, as kids today do, without any loyalties at all. This was not frivolous daydreaming; it was hardheaded realism, and by leading me into these books my father equipped me for things as they really are in this world.

I did not get to Middle Earth until high school, but I saw to it that my children were introduced to The Lord of the Rings much earlier than I had been. ...

Virtues were made lovely to me through these stories. Trumpkin did not believe in Aslan, but volunteered to go on a mission that made sense only if Aslan existed. He went because he knew the difference between giving advice and taking orders. "You've had my advice, and now it's the time for orders." And I have known what true faithfulness and loyalty were since then. Too often Christian parents simply seek to make the rightness of virtue apparent to their sons. But that is the easy part. The difficulty lies in making virtue altogether lovely, which is what happens in the right kind of story. ...

In this kind of literature, nobility was stirred up in the small things and was exalted in the great things. When the time came for great deeds, whether the enemy was Smaug, or Sauron, or the Witch, or Long John Silver, or the dragon that St. George killed, these stories were ready to do what Scripture commands us to do. "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things" (Phil. 4:8).

Christians are a race of dragon-fighters. Our sons are born to this. Someone ought to tell them.

Highlights mine; Douglas Wilson Future Men pp.101-2, 104-7.

boys and their guns

There are many views on boys and their guns. Should we allow our boys to play with toy guns? Or, if not guns, should we allow them to play with pretend swords? What about water pistols (they are a kind of gun, after all)?

I probably wouldn't buy my child a toy gun. But I'm happy to allow Thomas to pretend to destroy the world. For in a modern, Western world where there are few opportunities for boys to express their aggression and high spirits, Steve and I are not going to stop them using their imaginations to act out stories, even if they involve imaginary violence. And perhaps they will confront some imaginary fears, and practise some qualities like courage, along the way.

We would change this if real violence was a problem for our sons. And maybe living in certain parts of the world would make us re-think our position. But our boys are generally gentle, and even our 4-year-old can tell the difference between fantasy and reality. We just make sure they're gentle with other children, and perhaps don't point their toy guns at other people.

Besides, have you ever tried to stop a boy playing with guns? One of the mothers I know outlawed toy guns (and fair enough, toy guns are absent from my to-buy list, too, although we do have a very small plastic one and some pretend swords in our dress-up box) and they discovered that their curved wooden train-track pieces made perfect guns.

And if you do outlaw toy guns, don't forget about chameleons. Thomas once told me he was going to "kill the whole house" with one of those.

boys destroy

Thomas is playing at his friend Jack's house.

Thomas - We're going to destroy the whole world!
Jack - Yes, let's play that! Let's kill the whole world!

Thomas and Jack run outside, screaming.

5 minutes later Jenny and I go outside to check on our boys. We find them rolling lemons (which they're not supposed to pick) under the gate and onto the road.

Jean and Jenny - Boys, boys, stop that! Stop rolling lemons onto the road!
Thomas - Jack was the one who told me what to do. And I did it. (shades of Adam and Eve)
Jean - Well, you're not allowed to pick lemons, and you're not allowed to roll them under the gate.
Thomas - But we have to destroy the whole world! We have to destroy the cars!
Jean - We don't mind you pretending to destroy things, but don't roll lemons at the cars. Find something else to destroy. But don't use anything hard, don't pick lemons, don't throw things, and be gentle.

We go back inside.

5 minutes later we go back outside to see Thomas suspiciously carrying a lemon.

Jean - Thomas, why are you carrying a lemon?
Thomas - (indignantly) But we picked the lemons when Aunty Jenny wasn't watching!
Jean - Well, even when we can't see you, you're still not supposed to pick lemons. God can see you even when we can't. (always time for a sententious piece of theology)
Thomas - But we want to kill the whole world! What can we use to destroy things?
Jean - Let's find something soft that you can use to kill things. But not people, only things.
Thomas - Look! A piece of chalk! We'll use that to kill things! Look! (he draws on the concrete, giggling)
Jean - Ok, then, you can use that. But be gentle.

We go back inside.

5 minutes later we go back outside to find Thomas and Jack throwing dirt into the garage.

Thomas and Jack - We're destroying the garage!
Jean and Jenny - But you're not supposed to throw dirt into the garage!

Thomas and Jack are given brooms and helped to sweep up the garage. We go back inside.

5 minutes later we go back outside.

Jean - It's time to go now, Thomas. Did you have fun?
Thomas - (triumphantly) Well, Mummy, we didn't destroy the whole world, but at least we destroyed the garage!
Jean - Yes, very good honey, let's go home now.

You learn to be very unflappable when parenting boys.