when you feel resentful about homemaking

Last week I shared my friend's question with you:

I was wondering if any of you have any advice, or could recommend a talk or book, that could encourage me in my role as homemaker.

I have been becoming increasingly irritated and resentful about doing all the housework lately (as well as finances, admin, handy man stuff etc). I'm also the one who is training the children to do it. Maybe I need to share it with my husband more, I don't know. 

(My friend has several young children, and every week she has 2 child-free days that theoretically free her up to do housework. She says, "I am hesitant to add more to my husband's workload when I have 'extra time'.")

Here's my response, with a few suggestions from mutual friends scattered through (you'll find some more responses here). You can skip to the practical points at the end if you like!

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You'll need to figure out the "why" behind what you're feeling before you know what to do. There are five main reasons I can think of that this happens for me:

1) because I am extra tired, and tiredness brings out my anger. One of the ways I know I'm exhausted is that I start to feel angry at my husband. It's a warning sign I've come to recognise. It might mean I need a day off (maybe he could mind the kids and let you go away for a night?), or need to remember all he does, or need to ask for more help, or, when it’s not under my control, just need to recognise it, pray for grace, and be patient until it passes.

My friend adds,

When I have found myself getting annoyed, resentful or frustrated in the past, I have found praying through 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 with a focus on the specific person triggering the response helpful. This has proved to be a great aid to forgiveness and a great assistance to recovering a Christ-like attitude in difficult situations for me (and for others who have also tried it). It is especially helpful when prayed in the light of 1 John 4:7-12.

2) because I'm losing sight of why I'm doing this: it’s my job, and one I willingly accepted. That's where reading books has really helped me. Carolyn Mahaney's Feminine Appeal helped me see my role this way years ago, and her book Shopping for Time is a great help in living it out. But I think you’ve already been there, done that! I've found that talking with godly friends in similar situations, sharing our difficulties, helping each other keep our eyes on the goal, and praying for each other, also helps a lot.

3) because I'm unwilling to ask for or accept help, perhaps because I'm proud or stubborn, or like to do things my way so I can control the outcome. (For example, when my husband does the dishes he leaves them until later, but I like to get them done before I relax. Or he shops and doesn’t buy the exact things I want. Or, when it comes to child rearing, I think I can do it better.) I need to loosen up and let him help!

My friend adds,

In terms of sharing the load, it helps to give specifics and perhaps to set a time in the week for doing them if that helps the husband remember them. Also, set up a back-up system for when the wife is feeling overwhelmed. We have also talked about which jobs we prefer and have found that often they differ and we can do something that we prefer that the other hates. 

Another friend says,

The issue might be your husband's lack of involvement in family responsibilities. It could be that his brain is in a different place and he hasn't noticed how much he's dumped on you, but finding the balance is important for making it through the long term. I would start by talking with him about it and maybe suggesting he chat with a more experienced person about gaining a balance between the responsibilities of home and work/ministry/study.

 4) because I don't take time to rest, perhaps because I set my sights too high (e.g. every mother has to train their kids in this way, pray with their kids that way, keep this clean, collect these memories...), so I'm getting burnt out. I’ve learned I need a day off during the week – weekends don’t do it, they’re just a continuation of my week’s work – so I take most Friday mornings off and go to a park to read, write, walk and pray. I have to remind myself that caring for our home and family is my main ministry so it’s okay not to be doing heaps of other things! Books like Tim Chester’s The Busy Christian’s Guide to Busyness and Arch Hart’s Adrenaline and Stress help me here.

5) because I've lost sight of God's grace, all he's forgiven me for, and all he willingly gives me, so I feel bitter and resentful about serving. I haven’t read it yet, but I’m hoping that Gloria Freeman’s Glimpses of Grace - a book about the gospel and homemaking (it looks really good, not at all twee or predictable) - will help me here. Or Tim Keller’s King’s Cross or any other book on the cross would do. Or just some time spent in God’s word, reading over Psalm 103 or a gospel or a letter and meditating on God’s character and all he’s done. (Another good reason for asking for a day off to rest and refocus.)

Anyhow, here are some specific ideas, depending on what the issue is:

• communicate what you’re feeling with your husband, and see if he has some perspective and what he offers. You might be pleasantly surprised. (I say "if" because it can’t be assumed, and sometimes we need to accept our husbands the way they are, forbear, forgive, and remember to be thankful for all God has given us in them. But the conversations need to happen first, and regularly if possible, so that resentment doesn’t build up.) 
• ask for help in specific ways, and accept help when it is offered. You probably know by now the things your husband is more keen to help out with, or more capable of doing; perhaps you could hand over some of these things, at least temporarily. 
• lower your standards. Are there things you are doing because you think they need to be done rather than because God demands them of you? You might need to sit more lightly to them (e.g. I’d love to still be learning Bible verses with my kids, but the demands of life have meant that we only did that for a year - of course, we keep teaching them the Bible, just differently).
• take a morning or weekend off to recuperate and reflect and re-energise. Do it soon! Take a regular day off during the week. Talk and pray with godly friends in a similar situation 
• as you suggest, read some good books: God’s word, something on your role, something on self-care, something on God’s grace 
• pray about what you’re feeling. I should have put that first! ;)

Please keep adding your ideas to the comments. Just click here. Thanks to those who've already responded!

From Fear to Freedom: book review

Give up your success-and-failure patterns. Seek grace in Christ, humbly and honestly. Understand that a conviction of sin does not make you neurotic, but rather it spells the beginning of the end for neurosis. After all, what is a neurotic? Simply a hurting person who is closed off to criticism in any form and yet engages in the most intense, destructive self criticism that produces neither hope nor help. What a marvelous relief God’s grace in Christ offers. I had been totally criticized, and at the same time I was completely forgiven. As I rested in the work of another, my heart was at peace with God; and for the first time, I felt at peace with myself.

I read this quote in Of First Importance and knew I'd like to read From Fear to Freedom. Neurotic? Yes. Addicted to success? Yes. Not at peace with myself? Yes. Helped by the gospel? Yes, please! So I ordered a copy from The Book Depository and eagerly looked out for a cardboard-wrapped parcel in the letter box.

From Fear to Freedom is a short and easy read. It's a woman's story of her inner landscape: her upbringing by parents who valued order and morality; her own moral successes: a Christian marriage, well-brought-up children, and a busy hospitality ministry; how it fell apart, leaving her doubting and fearful; and how God rescued her.

Rose Marie contrasts two ways to live: as an orphan or as God's child. The orphan doesn't feel loved except when she meets her own and others' expectations (something women are particularly prone to!). Her life is filled with joyless duty. When things go wrong, she sees herself as a victim, blames others, and withdraws into anger and self-condemnation.

The daughter knows she's loved, perfect in God's sight. She has come face-to-face with her own helplessness, and knows only God can rescue her: her righteousness comes from him, not from obeying rules or keeping up appearances. So she's free from guilt and bitterness, free to forgive and relate honestly, free to risk herself in God's service.

It's good - although at times a little unsettling! - to see the old-fashioned gospel (drawn from Martin Luther's Introduction to his Commentary on Galatians) applied to 'modern' issues like neuroticism, victim mentality and blame-shifting. People haven't changed, and neither has God's word. The solution to anxiety, guilt and people-pleasing isn't, ultimately, counselling or a psychological theory: it's the gospel of grace.

This book isn't perfect. Rose Marie talks about a few things I was uncomfortable with, like the power of inherited sin through the generations, and spiritual warfare using certain forms of prayer. At these points the book tends to be 'gospel-plus'. You'll need to read with discernment.

Still, I recommend this book. It will help you find your way out of the orphan mindset into the freedom of a son or daughter of God.

the art of the gentle answer

This last year, one of the ways God has grown my husband is in gentleness. I've learned a lot from Steve about the way a gentle answer (his) can take away wrath (mine). Here's 3 examples I can remember.

• I went into a rant about some person who had done something in some way to upset me, and instead of saying, "Get a grip!" or "Stop being so judgemental!" or "You're absolutely right!" he said, "You must be feeling bad." Deflated. Me.
• I went into a rant about something Steve had done (I think it was something significant like the way his belongings affected the look of our living room) and instead of saying "It's not my fault!" or "Well, you did such-and-such!" or "I live here too, you know!" he said, "That must be difficult for you." And he wasn't being sarcastic. Sigh.
• I went into a rant about how some major life-changing decision was going to affect our lives and the lives of our children and the lives of everyone else we know, and instead of saying, "Well, that's just how it is!" or "Stop whining!" or "Suck it up, princess!" he said, "Yes, I know it will be hard for you", and gave me a sympathetic hug. Aaaah.

My husband is far from perfect - as he would be the first to admit! - but I've learned a lot from him about gentleness, me being a shoot-your-mouth-off let-it-all-hang-out tell-them-how-upset-you-are (as-long-as-they're-family-but-not-otherwise) kind of gal.

I can tell you from experience that a gentle answer is a salve on the bee-sting of irritation - or a pin to the balloon of wrath - or a calm which sucks the wind from the sail of anger - or something like that, anyway.

A gentle answer has long-term effects, too. Months later, when Steve's belongings still decorate the living room or I feel the effects of that life-changing decision, I surprise myself by responding with grace rather than anger. God's word is proved right once again:

A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1

image is from stephen.h2010 at flickr

Issues in Biblical Counselling by Ed Welch

I've been listening to a fantastic talk series during the last couple of months: Ed Welch's Issues in Biblical Counselling. It's a 24 talk short course which he gave at the Melbourne PTC.

If you meet one-to-one with other Christians to disciple them, if you're in ministry or Christian leadership, or if you struggle with issues like suffering, anxiety, anger or guilt (don't we all?!) you'll find these talks encouraging and challenging.

Ed Welch talked about

• the nature of biblical counselling and the person
• the 4 staples of counselling - suffering, guilt, anger and fear
• unusual problems - mania, schizophrenia, depression, addictions

Here's some things I learned:

• Christ is the centre of the process of change. We often use the Bible like an encyclopedia of proof texts. If a word ("anorexia", "OCD") isn't there, we assume the Bible doesn't address it; and if a word ("anxiety", "anger") is there, we stick to the "relevant" verses. But the Bible is the story of Christ, and of how God saves and transforms us through the gospel. This bigger story shapes how we respond to every issue - even those the Bible doesn't name. If someone wants help with a problem, don't just look up verses which address or condemn the problem: read passages which reveal Christ and win our hearts. The ultimate solution to every problem is the gospel of Jesus Christ.
• The Bible is sufficient to deal with all sinful behaviours and negative emotions. We often divide people into body, soul/psyche and spirit. The first is treated by doctors, the second by psychologists, and the third by the church. We hand people with issues like depression, addictions and anxiety over to professional counsellors. But if you trace any psychiatric illness back to its historical roots, you'll find that people once turned to the church for help. We can learn from secular counsellors, and medication can relieve symptoms. But God's word and gospel alone can change the heart. God's word is clear - it's not just for scholars - and we'll find our answers here.
• Our behaviour and emotions come from our hearts (although our emotions are also affected by our bodies). With our hearts, our inner selves, we think and believe, and with our hearts, we worship and desire. We can't blame our actions on our circumstances, personality or upbringing: we choose how to respond. Christian counsellors often speak of the person as someone with needs for love and relationship. But our hearts are not so much empty vessels waiting to be filled, as rudders directing us towards what we desire. Our hearts are active not passive.
• The horizontal reveals the vertical. If you see me get angry, or hear me complaining, you learn that I'm ultimately angry or resentful towards God. Our emotions and actions show who has our allegiance, God or Satan. Who do we worship? Who do we trust? Whom will we serve?
• The four staples of counselling are suffering, guilt, anger and fear. We'll have lots to say to anyone who's struggling if we learn how the Bible responds to these four issues. Ed Welch spent hours talking about suffering, specifically about how he would respond to someone who was sexually abused as a child. His two talks on guilt and legalism shook my perfectionism to its core. He called the angry to become like Christ. His talks on anxiety encouraged me deeply.
• Move towards those who are suffering. If there's one thing I took away from these talks, this is it! Those who are suffering are prime targets for Satan's attacks, so even if you feel completely helpless, move towards those who are suffering. Don't ignore them, don't say nothing, don't forget to call. At the very least, say "I'm so sorry." Don't just offer to help, give practical help. If you have nothing to say, listen, and pray with them from God's word. God pursues us, so we should pursue others.
• Aim for self-forgetful love not self-esteem. The gospel is the story of the God who saves unworthy sinners not because there's anything good in us, but because he loves us for his own glory. The gospel doesn't so much encourage us to think better or worse of ourselves as less frequently about ourselves and more about Christ. True humanness is about loving others, not being loved; about glorifying God, not having my needs met.
• Ask the next question. Often, the most useful thing you can do is to ask one more question: "Why do you ...? Did you know that you ...? Do you want to change?" If you seem to be missing the point - if they're looking blank, like you're not taking them with you - stop and ask again, "What am I missing? Is what I'm saying helpful? Help me to understand what you're feeling." Walk beside people, don't stand over them.
• Find the normal in the abnormal. If someone is behaving bizarrely, or is making bizarre claims, treat them like anyone else. Ask ordinary questions: "What's going on here? Why are you doing that? Why do you feel scared?" Look for the person behind the behaviour. Listen for the issues we all struggle with: suffering, guilt, anger and fear. Ed Welch puts the Bible through its paces - is it sufficient to deal with addictions, mania and schizophrenia, and depression? - and shows how God's truth reaches ordinary people struggling with extraordinary problems.
• Christians should have a high tolerance for eccentricity. Have you noticed the space around unusual people in social gatherings? Christians should be moving towards people, not away from them! Ignore the bizarre behaviour unless it stems from deeper issues like anxiety, or leads to sin, then deal with it as you would with any other Christian, by encouraging faith and repentance. If the Bible doesn't address the behaviour, you don't need to either. If it's just odd behaviour that's putting a barrier between the person and others, don't ignore it: give honest advice out of love.
• There is hope for change. A great God is working in us through his powerful gospel by his indwelling Spirit, and he promises that we will one day be glorious creatures who perfectly reflect his glory. We should have boundless optimism for change in ourselves and others. When you see people change, take off your shoes: you are standing on holy ground.

images are from stock.xchng