teenagers and the internet

As a parent, you go into the teen years thinking there are exact rules: give kids this. Don't do that. Then you discover that it's so much more - well, human - than that.

There's a simplicity in "one size fits all". But that's not how God works in the human heart. And it doesn't work that well in relationships either.

So I love Jenny's 5 points about parenting teenagers when it comes to technology:

1. It's good to have a high horse to make parenting judgements from. 
2. It's good to get down from the high horse occasionally to show that you think your child is an actual person.
3. It's good to keep on top of technology. 
4.  It's good to keep talking to your kids. 
5. It's good to acknowledge that you won't know everything that's going on, because when things go wrong you aren't a hopeless parent. 

I've talked a bit about how we work it out in the comments on her post. You might want to head over there and add your thoughts.

more about chores and other stuff

If there's one thing I'm lazy about, it's chores. And no, I don't mean doing them myself (although I can be lazy about that too), I mean getting the kids to do them. It's always easier to do them myself, especially when I'm busy and tired.

Last week, I shared my chores chart. You might also remember last year's discussion about kids and chores which I wrapped up here. So where are we at, 16 months later?

Well, I'm still not incredibly consistent about chores, but our kids are learning to do them, and they're even learning to do them cheerfully. Which can only be a good thing. Here's what I've learned about chores this year:

• There are "just because you're in the family" chores, and organised chores. The first are spontaneous chores everyone has to do (like helping get ready for visitors). The second are an area of responsibility you give a certain child (like vacuuming or weeding). It's good to have both kinds.
• There are chores kids like, and chores kids hate. Lizzy loves cooking and hates messy dishes: she has to help with both. Ben loves reading to his little brother and hates putting out the compost: he has to do both. Good preparation for life!
• Some chores are about your stuff ("Put away your clothes") and others are about other people's stuff ("Put away your little brother's toys"). "It's not mine" is not a valid excuse.
• It's hard to get chores going at first (expect lots of complaining if your kids are anything like mine!) but it gets easier as they get used to doing them. It's worth working through the pain.
• I've asked around, and what's struck me is how different families do chores in very different ways. Some are highly organised, some haphazard; some depend on parental requests, others on kids remembering; some reward chores with pocket money, others with time to play; some do chores independently, others as a family. I'm not sure it matters, as long as kids are learning to help out around the house.
• Different methods have different advantages. It's better to do something which works for you than to aim for perfection and do nothing.
• The more experienced a parent you are, the more deaf you become to complaining and excuses. Bring it on!

our chart of chores and other weekly stuff

Kids come with all kinds of things to be remembered. Notices, excursions, play dates, father's day stalls, sports days: you name it, I'll forget it. Kids also need training in household chores. Here's me in the middle of it all, feeling guilty about everything I've forgotten and the training I haven't done.

This year, 11 years into parenting, I've finally found a system for keeping track of weekly events and chores which works well for our family - most of the time. It sits on our fridge and looks like this:


The pretty colours make me want to look at it, and the colour coding makes it easy to read. I used to have a separate chart for each child, but all those bits of paper floating around the fridge made me crazy, and no-one ever looked at them. So I've given each child a colour, and put all the kids on one chart.

Our chart includes nearly everything that happens week-by-week in our house: chores, homework tasks, sports days - all the things I usually forget completely. It's become a habit to glance at it every morning, and I forget a lot less share times and library days now (although I did forget Thomas' library books yesterday, and I'll often ignore a chore or 3, so it's far from infallible!).

Still, our chart keeps me honest, keeps chores on my mental map, and reminds me of things that would otherwise go forgotten. It's a system I plan to keep using.

What's your system for remembering chores and other stuff?

when boys fight

Our two youngest boys, Thomas (6) and Andy (3), love to compete. They size each other up like belligerent roosters who want to crow from the same mound of dirt in the farmyard.

"I'm the fastest!"
"No, I'm the fastest!"
"It's mine!"
"No, it's mine!"
"I had it first!"
"No, I had it first!"
"I won the race!"
"No, I won!"
"I'm the biggest!"
"No, I am!"
"No, I am!"
"No, I am!"

You get the idea.

So I taught Thomas about a new Bible verse -

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honour. Romans 12:10

- and we started a new competition: the kindness competition. It's a competition to see who can outdo the other in kindness.

Of course, it doesn't always work. After 10 determined minutes of being "the kindest" (which involved nothing more than an absence of meanness, as far as I could see, but maybe it took a lot of self-control) Thomas boasted, "I'm the winner of the kindness competition! I'm the winner! I'm the winner! I'm the winner!"

"Thomas", I said, "to win the kindness competition you have to not say things like that. Only say kind things. Sometimes kindness means shutting your mouth and keeping the words inside."

Thomas clapped his hands over his mouth and said, "Get back inside words! Get back inside! I'll smack you if you come out! Get back! Get back! Get back! Get back, words! Get back! ...".*

I sighed, and reminded myself that it's all in the service of learning self-control - and kindness.


* His words were reminiscent of Proverbs 13:3, now I come to think of it, so maybe it's not all bad! :)

boys 'n chores 'r us

Here's some pictures of boys doing chores at our house!

my thoughts on kids and chores

We've been having a great discussion about kids and chores. Thanks to those who wrote in! Here's my thoughts. Please remember, this post describes what I'm aiming for more than what I actually achieve! I can be pretty haphazard about chores, especially during busy times of the year. I'm no expert, so please add your suggestions to the comments.

1. Why chores matter

• they teach kids skills to help them become independent adults
• they teach kids to take responsibility for their lives (1 Tim 5:8, 2 Thess 3:10)
• they teach kids to serve others cheerfully and without complaining or arguing (Phil 2:14, Lk 22:26-27, Gal 5:13, Eph 6:7-8, Col 3:23-24)
• they teach kids the difference between diligence and laziness (Prov 6:6-11, 10:4-5, 13:4, 14:23, 20:4, 22:13, 24:30-34, 27:18)
• they teach kids to persevere and not grow weary or give up (Gal 6:9, Thess 1:3, Rev 2:3)
• they teach kids that work is hard and can sometimes feel pointless in this fallen world (Gen 3:17-19)
• they teach kids what it means to be part of a family, with distinct roles and responsibilities (Eph 5:22-6:9)
• they teach kids to obey their parents (Eph 6:1, Col 3:20)
• they teach kids to value home life (Prov 14:1, 17:24, 24:3-4, 27:8, 1 Tim 5:14, Tit 2:4-5)
• they teach kids (especially boys) to work hard so they can provide and care for their homes and families (1 Tim 5:8, 2 Thess 3:10)
• they teach kids (especially girls) to work hard so they can manage a home and care for their families (Tit 2:3-5, Prov 31:10-30)
• they teach kids the value and hard work of hospitality and outreach (Rom 12:13, 1 Tim 3:2, 5:10, 1 Pet 4:9)

2. Teaching the "why" and "how" not just the "what"
I have a very clear memory of a Christian tape playing while I did the dishes as a child, with this verse set to music:

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe. Phil 2:14-15

It profoundly influenced my attitude to chores, and I still find myself singing it, much to my children's annoyance! (Does anyone know what tape it came from?)

I have been challenged by Cathy's comments to teach our kids the "why" not just the "what" of chores. It would be fantastic to teach kids some of the principles and verses above!

I think if I had been given some of this reasoning while I was growing up, it would have helped me to do some of the hard and apparently "pointless" chores more cheerfully.

3. Should you give kids money for doing chores?
There's no right or wrong answer to this one.
Yes: because it teaches kids stewardship - that money comes through hard work, and that it should be saved and spent wisely
No: because kids should expect to help because they're part of a family, not because they get paid

Here's how some people do it:
- Jo suggests not giving money for all chores, but for the harder, dirtier ones
- Rachel suggests giving pocket money independently of chores, but taking some away if a job is not done and giving it to the person who has to do it
- my sister-in-law prints out her children's chores with a box to be ticked next to each one; pocket money is given if they're all done
- when I'm being organised(!) I give pocket money ($1 for every year of school up to $10) for Saturday chores (weeding, washing windows, cleaning the car) but not for regular weekly chores (vacuuming one's bedroom, putting away one's clothes, setting the table)

4. Should boys and girls be given different chores?
We've been having a fascinating discussion about this which you might have been following!

Those of you who've written in seem to agree that boys and girls should be given the same chores. Girls need to be prepared to care for a home and family. Boys need to be prepared to serve their wives by helping out around the home. Girls and boys need to be prepared for singleness, whether short- or long-term, or for caring for a home when a spouse dies or is incapacitated.

Cathy helpfully suggests that we distinguish between boys and girls by the way we talk about chores, rather than in the jobs we give. I think this is a fantastic idea! I've started to talk to Lizzy in terms of "helping" and to Ben in terms of "serving", preparing them for their likely married roles as a helper and a servant leader (Gen 1:18-25, Eph 5:22-33).

I'm still unsure about whether different chores should be given to boys and girls. I think there is some appropriateness in giving different chores to prepare for different roles.

I'll be training Lizzy to be a homemaker, with all the skills that entails. But I suspect I'll train my boys to run a home too. They'll need these skills throughout life, married or unmarried!

In our house, boys and girls have to do all kinds of jobs, but there's also some small differences in how we hand out chores (Lizzy does more cooking, Ben more bin-emptying - partly a matter of preference! - but both are expected to help with both).

5. When chores get tough
It's really important that some chores are just plain HARD! We give yucky, dirty jobs, not just easy ones, and expect them to be done cheerfully.

One of my favourite parenting stories is about a boy who had to carry buckets of water by hand to the family pig every day - a difficult, thankless task. The neighbour told the father how unreasonable he was. When the boy grew up, he thanked his father for teaching him to work hard.

6. Practical ideas for chores

• it's good to teach kids to take responsibility for themselves: to keep their rooms tidy and clean, wash their own clothes, and make their own lunch
• it's also good to give some general chores which help the family and home: dishes, cleaning, yard work
• I like the idea of a list of chores for each child with boxes to tick, although I'm not organised enough to keep it up!
• I've just printed out a weekly plan for Lizzy (10), Ben (8) and Thomas (5) which includes their chores. This helps me to remember all their different tasks, and it means I can send them to the list on the fridge rather than nag them! It also teaches them to be responsible for their tasks.
• some people have a "home blessing hour" every Saturday, where the family cleans the house together. What a great idea!
• Gail Martin's What Every Child Should Know Along the Way will give you some good ideas about appropriate expectations for different ages, and The Family Manager's Everyday Survival Guide talks about getting kids on the team

Any other comments or suggestions? We're just fumbling our way through this, and I'd love your advice.

You can read the thread on kids and chores here

images are from Millie Mott, Oh My Stinkin' Heck!, davidwilliamgold, chinweiz, Conner Prairie and naiah at flickr.com

Valori on boys and chores

Here's some helpful thoughts about boys and chores from my friend Valori, who you might remember from all those discussions about balancing homemaking and ministry. She has 5 boys, ranging from young primary to young adult, so she knows a lot about training boys!

I found her observations about teenagers and young adults fascinating. I also found it helpful to hear someone who's complementarian in her views on biblical manhood and womanhood talk about why it's important for boys to be trained domestically. I have a lot to learn from her!

My main thought is -- I am totally FOR training boys to learn how to do household chores. My older 3 boys used to clean the whole house for me (vacuum, dust, clean bathrooms), and they have always helped with dishes and have had an interest in cooking. Plus, they all three know how to do their own laundry. And they have all had to learn to take care of babies and younger siblings, which will definitely serve them in the future! ...

I think that it's important for boys to learn how to take care of themselves ... I think it will help them to appreciate their wives one day and be able to help out at times. ... To me, it's a serving and personal responsibility issue.

As far as how I organize chores is concerned, I have never really been able to stick to a consistent "chore time" -- not that I didn't try. I had charts everywhere and well thought-out plans, but the schedule was never that predictable, especially on Saturdays, and it usually just ended up that they would do basic things like cleaning out the dishwasher, sweeping, taking care of their beds and rooms, etc., and then when it was necessary (like people coming over for a meeting or me just not being able to stand it any longer), I would have them do the other kind of stuff -- just being real here :). ...

The funny thing is, with the older boys, at times you would think I had never taught them anything! It has been interesting to watch how puberty and the teenage years have affected them in these areas. It was as if they forgot how to make their beds, load their dishes into the dishwasher, put away their shoes, socks, books, etc.! They actually don't "see" the messes! (I've heard from some of my friends that this has happened with their girls, too, but I think it's a little less severe.)

Also, during the high school years, there was a natural need to pull back from requiring them to do a lot around the house. The main goal we had during that time was for them to manage their own room and bathroom and to pick up after themselves (they also did yard work). Their school load became very heavy, they had more serving opportunities at church, and they often had outside jobs. For all of them, sports and drama were also big time commitments that we felt were valuable opportunities during those years. So it was kind of a natural transition for them, and they definitely weren't naturally inclined toward the home!

But I guess that some of it has paid off. Now my two oldest live in a house near campus with two friends, and they actually do their own laundry (Kenneth said they weren't allowed to bring it home for me to do it :) ), they cook some, and they have a cleaning rotation. It's not a spotless place, but they do a pretty good job for college guys. Then, for some reason, when they come home for the weekend, they feel they can relax and drop their backpacks, etc. wherever they want :). We try to remind them to put their things away, but I've decided I'd rather have them feel welcome and want to come home than hear me nagging them about picking up their things the whole weekend! So the house is a little messier, and I enjoy my boys and their friends.

... I think training them to do some of these things is not contrary to helping them become men who will lead their families. I think it is helpful to them. What better way to lead than from the attitude and heart of a servant? And I think that because they have seen me and Kenneth function together, where I take the primary responsibility for the home, but he is willing to jump in and serve, they have had a good example to follow in their dad. ... I am concerned that they not think they were born to be pampered and waited upon, but that when their future wives serve them in the home, they will be grateful.

As far as age appropriate chores go, I think that's kind of hit or miss, and each child is different, but overall, I think I've usually been surprised that they can do a lot more than I would have expected!

image is by from a second story from flickr

going to work with Daddy

I'm going to work with Daddy because one day I might be doing the same work he does. I will be the leader of a family too one day, and I need to learn how. That's what Ben told his Sunday School teacher the other evening.

It's not always easy for boys to know what goes on in their Daddy's lives. Often, Mummy is there all the time: cleaning, cooking, picking them up from school and dropping them off at sport. But what does Daddy do? Does he sit in front of the TV all day? After all, that's what he does for an hour every evening when he comes home tired from work.

So we've made a deliberate decision to encourage our boys to spend time with their Dad at work.

Last Tuesday, Ben skipped school (he was very upset about that, as you can imagine) and took the train into town with Steve, where he sat through several meetings as his Daddy taught uni students about Jesus. He was privileged to hear The Backyard Bard give a one-man performance of the entire gospel of Luke, which made it an extra learning experience!

On the weekend Ben went to work with Daddy again, this time to a student camp, while I stayed home with the other kids to help Lizzy recover from school camp. Ben read books and played his Nintendo DS, clambered over lots of patient male students, and heard his Daddy teach the Bible.

He's already offering advice to Steve. He said before the camp, I've heard you're doing some talks on the Song of Songs. If I had to do a talk on a book of the Bible, I probably wouldn't choose that one. But it should be interesting!

image is from stock.xchng

Cathy on boys and chores

You might remember my question about chores a couple of weeks ago. Today I'd like to share one of the responses I received from Cathy, of The Best Book Co-op, about how she and her husband train their son. Here's what she says:

With our four year old boy, Winton, my husband spent a bit of time memorising various Proverbs with him about diligence vs. laziness. This has given us a "language" in our household for getting work done. Winton is really excited to have any opportunity to "do diligent hands". Even his pretend play has become about doing hard work.

Steve has also been really conscious of training him in masculinity. A big part of which is that hard work is a good thing that he was created for as one of God's image bearers.

Everyday there is positive talk about taking responsibility, working hard, protecting girls and people who are not as strong as he is, serving others etc. He is enjoying learning to be a man.

We have been trying to focus on a demeanour that welcomes hard work in lots of environments (including pack up at church - which is a favourite!), rather than a list of jobs.

We are going to start an allowance (after listening to a John Piper talk on money), not as a reward for doing jobs, but as training in stewardship.

As our family grows, I am sure it will become more structured.

I am looking forward to hearing what people say about training girls!!

I was particularly challenged by Cathy's encouragement to teach kids the why as well as the what of chores, and by her suggestions about training boys to care for women.

And I agree - I'd love to hear your ideas about training girls - or boys!

image is from stock.xchng

a question for you about chores

The other day I praised my kids for cheerfully helping out around the house. (Well, they were cheerful that day, anyway. There's plenty of complaining on other days.)

My son said to me, "You know why we're becoming more cheerful helpers, Mummy? It's because we have more to do now."

In other words, you've given us more chores, so we're more used to them, so we're more cheerful about doing them. Hmmm. I'm not sure his sister would agree.

Steve and I have been thinking a lot about which chores to give our kids to do around the house. Vacuuming their rooms? Unpacking the dishwasher? Weeding? Putting out the rubbish? Cooking? Hanging out clothes? Our kids do bits and pieces of all of these.

Here are some of the questions going through my mind:

Should girls be given different chores to boys?
Should kids get rewards, like pocket money, for doing chores?
Should kids be given a say in which chores they do?
Should kids be given unpleasant chores as well as fun ones?
How do chores help build a child's character?
How do chores prepare kids for independent adulthood?
How do chores train kids for adult roles as men and women?

I'm really interested to hear your reflections on kids and chores. Here's some questions to get you thinking about your own experience:

What did your parents do well when they handed out chores?
If you're a woman, did your mum train you to manage a home? How did she do this?
If you're a man, did your dad train you to care for a home and family? How did he do this?
Do you wish your parents had trained you in ways that they didn't?

If you're a mum or dad, what kinds of chores do you give your kids?
Do you give boys different chores to girls, and why?
How are you training your daughter(s) to manage a home, and your son(s) to care for a home and family?
What are you trying to achieve when you give out chores?

Pick one question, or three or four - I don't mind! - but I'd love to hear what you think about kids and chores.

You can comment here.

image is from stock.xchng