a visit means more than a text

One of the things I admire about my mother is that she gets involved in other people's lives.

Now that she doesn't have children at home, and is working less, on her way to retirement, she could use her extra time for herself. Instead, she uses much of it for others.

She helps out at the local primary school. She looks after an elderly lady in a local nursing home. She cares for her brothers and sisters. She visits the sick.

She's like those older women - the Bible calls them "widows" (which my mum is not, but I think it's a similar stage of life) - who use their time and energy to serve (1 Tim 5:9-10; Acts 9:36-42). I hope to be like her one day.

Here's a story that encouraged me to get involved too.

It's about a friend of my mum's who lives a long way from her family.

Mum had just received a message from her friend to say her sister had died.

My mother wasn't far away: she was driving near her friend's house. It would have been easy to send a text and go home.

But that's not what she did.

She went and sat with her friend that morning. She hugged her and listened and shared her sorrow.

Her friend said,

"You know, there were lots of people who sent their sympathy via emails and text messages. But you came. You visited.

"That meant more to me than all of those texts put together."

In these days of emails and texts and instant messaging, it's so easy to contact someone and think we've done what needs to be done.

But I hope, next time I'm in a situation like this, that I remember: a visit means more than a text.

If we can, we just need to be there.

online meanderings - ordinariness, self-image, suffering and other stuff

This week, I enjoyed

Singleness and searching for your "mythos" - Another bittersweet post by Ali. *sigh* I could read her all day.

How can I love seven billion neighbours? - part 1 and part 2 - Really helpful stuff from Tim Chester.

Reality "snapshot" of mission teams - A fascinating description of the good and bad of mission teams by Steve (see also 10 things to remember after a Summer mission trip). HT Justin Taylor.

I was encouraged by

Nine good purposes in our suffering - Rebecca shares some reflections on the purpose in suffering.

An ordinary podcast - Feeling ordinary? "God’s will for me, and indeed for most of us, is to be extraordinarily ordinary." Challies.

Jesus chooses and uses failures - Feeling like a failure? A beautiful post by Jon Bloom.

Concept of self - A helpful post from Rachael on self-image and beauty.

I was challenged by

A heart of hospitality - "We practice hospitality because we have first received hospitality." Sounds about right to me! From Nicole.

Wealth, privacy, relationships - Cathy talks about the link between wealth and community.

A passing thought on receiving criticism from Dane (HT Challies)

Darrin Patrick on being and building men -"When you become a leader...you plug your life into an amplifier and everyone hears it." "You have to have some guys who aren’t impressed with you. You need elders who tell you no." Shared by Jonathon Parnell.

and I'd now like to

watch this free online production of Hamlet that finally makes sense, says Justin Taylor

give to my kids - and read myself - this history of the whole world recommended by Justin Taylor

regularly read the The Journal of Biblical Counselling, now free online

check out the bookish blog Sarah's postcardsnaps (thanks Jenny)

read along with the series Gospel-centred Life: "This month is a little different for EQUIP bookclub as we’re looking at three books instead of one. While we’ll focus on Gospel-centred Life, we’ll also be road-testing Gospel-centred Family and having a brief look at Gospel-centred Marriage." Fantastic, short, very readable books. Bring it on!

online meanderings - failure, singleness, love and other stuff

There was much wealth this week on the internet. Much that encouraged me and made me think. Comfort in failure and in sorrow. Gold. (And a lot of Challies.)

On loving and speaking.

How do you love the way Jesus loves? - The very question I've been asking about the year ahead. I'm adding this to my reading list. A book by Phil Ryken reviewed by Justin Taylor.

Evangelism uncomplicated - Cathy says lots of things about relaxing into evangelism - things I'm finding to be true in my own life.

On sorrow, discouragement and failure.

Looking forward - I love the way Amy writes. I love this post. Hope expressed in small things, in the face of sorrow.

Crushed (written)/(podcast) - Challies talks honestly about his struggle with pride and failure when his sermons, books and blog posts don't measure up to his standards, or to others' achievements. How comforting it is to know that I am not alone! - and that "all is well with my soul".

Post prayer satanic whispers - A truly helpful post for all who feel discouraged about their prayers (hands up, everyone!) by David Murray. HT Challies.

Self-centredness in woundedness - "'Woundedness’ is compounded self-doubt and guilt, resentment and disillusionment...As badly wounded as persons may be, the resulting self-absorption of the human heart was not caused by the mistreatment. It was only magnified and shaped by it.'" A really helpful post by Ali quoting a chapter from the Keller's book on marriage.

On failure in parenting.

For parents who have failed - Such comfort! "Even if we haven’t gotten it all right, even if we’ve trained little Pharisees or have a house full of prodigals." We've got both kinds. We are both kinds. But we have God's grace. From Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson's Give Them Grace via Justin Taylor.

Parents beware: Proverbs are not promises - Why we can't assume that because the kids turn out badly, the parents have done a lousy job. David Mathis quotes Richard Pratt HT Challies (yes, that's another 4-way link.)

On the related topic of raising boys.

Raising boys: A pep talk on The Talk - Jeff Robinson discusses a book which looks worth reading: Time for The Talk: Leading Your Son Into True Manhood (Shepherd Press) by Steve Zollos.

CS Lewis on "little cyclones" (young boys) - Now I know why I'm sometimes (often!) so tired. The main refrain of our holidays: "Quieten down! GO OUTSIDE!". Tony HT Challies.

On singleness.

How to serve "the singles" in the local church - A very helpful article by Carolyn McCulley.

On communication: oral, written and technological.

A short history of communication - "In an oral culture...word-for-word accuracy was less important than thought-for-thought accuracy." Challies answers a question I have long had about the differences between the gospels.

Empty minds, empty hearts, empty lives - “We are becoming symbiotic with our computer tools...The experience of losing our Internet connection becomes more and more like losing a friend.' ...What we are seeing is the death of memory." Challies is helpful, as always, when discussing the impact of technology on memory and friendship.

On humanity.

Pondering Psalm 139 - Ashley, a woman with a disability, writes, "I believe with every fiber of my being that I was no accident...My heart grieves for the little ones gone and the mothers and fathers who never held their tiny bodies or kissed their sweet new skin. No earthly thing can fill a chasm so deep as a child lost. The grace of the cross, though, is a greater thing than the weight of our sin, and redeeming love awaits us all."

Where does blackness and whiteness come from? - "The genetic difference between blacks, whites, browns, etc. is so marginal that we’re left to affirm Acts 17:26: 'He made from one blood all nations of men.'”

In China, human costs are built into an iPad - The human cost of our toys. (The last three are all HT Challies.)

On everything.

Nothing nothing - This quote keeps popping into my mind. I used it to discuss the existence of God with my eight-year-old just the other day. "The first basic answer is that everything that exists has come out of absolutely nothing...Now, to hold this view, it must be absolutely nothing. It must be what I call nothing nothing. It cannot be nothing something or something nothing." Francis Shaeffer quoted by Challies.

And just for fun.

A rap for crochet - For my friend Jenny, crochet-er extraordinaire. Well done, Ali! But when do I get mine?

I must write something again some time - Please do, Meredith! (But only if you're putting your family and other relationships first, and have fulfilled all your primary responsibilities, and aren't just doing it out of people-pleasing, and, and, and... :) )

in my weakness, your growth

None of us wants to be the cause of another person's sanctification - at least, not unintentionally - and yet, so often, that is what we are.1

Is this one of the reasons that God allows us to become weak, dependent and forgetful as we grow older? Is it so we can place a necessary burden on those who were once dependent on us: a burden of forbearance and loving care?

Is this one of the reasons we may have to bear chronic illness or long-term disability? Why we may fight depression or suffer from mental disorders? Why we experience unemployment or material need? We may not want to receive others' charity and compassion, but in giving these, they grow into who they should be.

Is this one of the reasons God gives us personalities both winsome and challenging, attractive and off-putting, charming and awkward? Which of us would choose to have a 'difficult' temperament? But it's our unappealing qualities - uncomfortable thought! - that help others learn to love someone who's hard to love.

Is this one of the reasons we're not yet made perfect; one of the reasons that transformation happens so slowly? As we live with imperfect people, we practise forgiveness and forbearance, giving to them what God has far more generously given to us.

Speculation, I know, and raising all kinds of questions about God's sovereignty and our responsibility (yes, I am responsible to grow in godliness, not to persist in my ungodliness because it might help you grow!). In adversity, faith fixes its eyes on Christ and chooses hope, courage and love, not self-centred neediness (Hebrews 12:1-3). But it doesn't do this by a proud denial of need.

My instinct is to conceal my sin, make excuses for my faults, play to my strengths, and deny my dependence. What if, instead, I admitted my weakness, and gratefully accepted your generosity and grace? What if I served, even when the service wasn't perfect? What if, during times of helplessness and need, I practised contentment and received your help with gladness?

We are not strong; we are weak. We are not sinless; we are sinners. In our attitudes towards those who love and bear with us, we can choose to grow in humility, self-forgetfulness and joy. As we do this, we practise something far more significant: an attitude toward God that helps us to humbly receive his grace.


1. This odd little thought popped into my head while I was vacuuming. I suspect it has its roots in some novels I've been reading by the Anglo-Catholic author Elizabeth Goudge. While there's lots about her theology that I don't agree with, I am often encouraged by her moral insights.

This post first appeared in The Briefing yesterday.

image is by SanShoot from flickr

two love stories - or three

'Every adult life is defined by two great love stories,' writes author and philosopher Alain de Botton. On the one hand, there is our well-charted quest for romantic love, and on the other, our quest for love from the world ('a more secret and shameful tale'). In his book Status Anxiety, de Botton argues this second love story 'is no less intense than the first...and its setbacks are no less painful.'

It's an intriguing idea, and one that has stuck in my head like a burr since I read it in a magazine article earlier this year. Because it's true, isn't it?

Our first quest is to be loved by someone, to be chosen by them above all others, and to choose them in return. With this love, we hope, will come all the trappings: family, security, home. In this small circle it matters supremely what others think of us.

Our second quest is to be loved or respected by others: by the whole crowd of anonymous strangers. We pass them in the street and wonder what impression we're making. We sit next to them on the train and hope they admire our choice of reading material. We push our trolley past them in the supermarket and stage a happy-family-performance just for them.

Perhaps we want fame, success, a name that's recognized. Perhaps we'd settle for the admiration of a smaller group: our co-workers at the office, the wider Christian community, the people in our church. If we win their respect, we've succeeded. If we fail in their eyes, we've failed indeed.

There is a third quest: another love story. It's not mentioned in the article I read, for when it comes to this love we are blind (2 Corinthians 4:4). In this story, we're not the ones who seek: we're the ones who are sought, pursued from heaven to earth by a lover who laid down his life to win his bride. Paradoxically, although we haven't sought this love, it alone can satisfy (Psalm 16:11).

When I devote my life to the first two love stories - to the quest for romantic love and the love of the world - I'm left empty, for human love is fallible and fading, and the world's opinion shifts and changes. Worse, I'm an adulterer, turning to other lovers to give me what only God can give, giving them the devotion and service that belong to him. (Jeremiah 2:12-13; James 4:4-5)

To people-pleasers like me, so quick to seek the glory of the world rather than the glory that comes from God (John 12:43), Jesus says,

I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him! (Luke 12:4-5)

There's only one whose opinion matters, and that's the God whose Son died in my place. It's before his judgement seat that I stand or fall. And he is able to make me stand, for Jesus rose from the dead, speaks for me before his throne, and will one day gather me - and all who live for him - to himself (Romans 14:4; 1 John 2:1; Rev 19:6-9).

Who cares what others think of me? It's God I seek to please. It's his praise I long for, not the praise of men (Romans 2:29). It's from him I want to hear the words, 'Well done, good and faithful servant' (Matthew 25:23).

I have to remind myself of this a dozen times a day, people-pleaser that I am.


1. From Candice Chung's article Finding success later in life in Sunday Life magazine, July 10th, 2011.

This article first appeared in The Briefing today.

image is by kelsey_lovefusionphoto
from flickr