what I'm reading: "If condemnation and fears of judgement haunt you ..."

"If condemnation and fears of judgement haunt you ..." Do those words describe you? They describe me.

I often feel like I'm being judged by God, other people, or myself. But who is really accusing me? Ed Welch writes,

How can you discern the difference between the Devil's condemnation and the Spirit's conviction? How can you determine if you are in the bogus courtroom or the real one?

In the real courtroom:

• you know your good deeds are not enough
• your hope is in Christ alone for your deliverance
• when convicted of sins, you are pointed past your sins and on to Christ
• the last word is always hope.

In the Devil's counterfeit:

• the attention is all on your sins
• you stand and fall on your own behaviour
• you are alone without an advocate
• questions are raised about the extent of God's forgiveness...

Keep the basic rhythm of Scripture in mind: for every one look at your own sins, take ten looks at Christ.

Ed Welch Running Scared 220-223, bold type mine.

what I'm reading: Tim Keller, inferiority complexes, and King's Cross

I've been reading Tim Keller's King's Cross for nearly a year, and I'm only 8 chapters in. Who says I'm a fast reader?

Some books need to be read slowly. Savoured, one chapter at a time.

Once a month or so, on my rare mornings off, I sit on a verandah outside my favourite cafe, overlooked by oak trees, sipping a spiced chai, reflecting and writing and staring into space.

And I read a single chapter of King's Cross - Tim Keller's exploration of the life of Jesus - and drink in every word.

I forget the gospel so quickly, but this book brings me back to the living water time after time.

Last Friday I recognised myself in these words:

See, there are two ways to fail to let Jesus be your Saviour. One is by being too proud, having a superiority complex—not to accept his challenge. But the other is through an inferiority complex—being so self-absorbed that you say, “I’m just so awful that God can’t love me.” That is, not to accept his offer.

I can be in either camp, depending on the day! But the second comes to me more naturally - and is harder to recognise.

So I love John Newton's words to a depressed man, quoted by Keller:

You say you feel overwhelmed with guilt and a sense of unworthiness. Well, you cannot be too aware of the inward and inbred evils you complain of, but you may be (indeed you are) improperly controlled and affected by them.

You say it is hard to understand how a holy God could accept such an awful person as yourself. You, then, not only express a low opinion of yourself (which is right!) but also too low an opinion of the person, work, and promises of the Redeemer, which is wrong.

You complain about sin, but when we examine your complaints, they are so full of self-righteousness, unbelief, pride, and impatience that they are little better than the worst evils you complain of!

Keller concludes,

Approach Jesus boldly, with rightless assertiveness [I love that phrase!]...Take up both the offer and challenge of God's infinite mercy.

I'm learning to do just that.


Quotes are from Tim Keller, King's Cross, 90-91.

From Fear to Freedom: book review

Give up your success-and-failure patterns. Seek grace in Christ, humbly and honestly. Understand that a conviction of sin does not make you neurotic, but rather it spells the beginning of the end for neurosis. After all, what is a neurotic? Simply a hurting person who is closed off to criticism in any form and yet engages in the most intense, destructive self criticism that produces neither hope nor help. What a marvelous relief God’s grace in Christ offers. I had been totally criticized, and at the same time I was completely forgiven. As I rested in the work of another, my heart was at peace with God; and for the first time, I felt at peace with myself.

I read this quote in Of First Importance and knew I'd like to read From Fear to Freedom. Neurotic? Yes. Addicted to success? Yes. Not at peace with myself? Yes. Helped by the gospel? Yes, please! So I ordered a copy from The Book Depository and eagerly looked out for a cardboard-wrapped parcel in the letter box.

From Fear to Freedom is a short and easy read. It's a woman's story of her inner landscape: her upbringing by parents who valued order and morality; her own moral successes: a Christian marriage, well-brought-up children, and a busy hospitality ministry; how it fell apart, leaving her doubting and fearful; and how God rescued her.

Rose Marie contrasts two ways to live: as an orphan or as God's child. The orphan doesn't feel loved except when she meets her own and others' expectations (something women are particularly prone to!). Her life is filled with joyless duty. When things go wrong, she sees herself as a victim, blames others, and withdraws into anger and self-condemnation.

The daughter knows she's loved, perfect in God's sight. She has come face-to-face with her own helplessness, and knows only God can rescue her: her righteousness comes from him, not from obeying rules or keeping up appearances. So she's free from guilt and bitterness, free to forgive and relate honestly, free to risk herself in God's service.

It's good - although at times a little unsettling! - to see the old-fashioned gospel (drawn from Martin Luther's Introduction to his Commentary on Galatians) applied to 'modern' issues like neuroticism, victim mentality and blame-shifting. People haven't changed, and neither has God's word. The solution to anxiety, guilt and people-pleasing isn't, ultimately, counselling or a psychological theory: it's the gospel of grace.

This book isn't perfect. Rose Marie talks about a few things I was uncomfortable with, like the power of inherited sin through the generations, and spiritual warfare using certain forms of prayer. At these points the book tends to be 'gospel-plus'. You'll need to read with discernment.

Still, I recommend this book. It will help you find your way out of the orphan mindset into the freedom of a son or daughter of God.

another quote about condemnation and the cross

Violet capped yesterday's quote (which I posted on Sunday instead of Monday by accident!) with a wonderful quote of her own.

She says, "Milton Vincent in 'A Gospel Primer for Christians' addressed this issue in a way that really helped me. He writes,

'As long as I am stricken with the guilt of my sins, I will be captive to them, and will often find myself re-committing the very sins about which I feel most guilty. The Devil is well aware of this fact; he knows that if he can keep me tormented by sin's guilt, he can dominate me with sin's power.

'The gospel, however, slays sin at this root point and thereby nullifies sin's power over me. The forgiveness of God, made known to me through the gospel, liberates me from sin's power because it liberates me first from its guilt; and preaching such forgiveness to myself is a practical way of putting the gospel into operation as a nullifier of sin's power in my life.'"

Thanks, Violet! That's so true. When I keep wallowing in the guilt of my sin, I don't change. I'm so overwhelmed by my sin that I give up before I even start. But when I truly realise that I'm forgiven, it changes everything. It gives me motivation and hope to overcome my sin.

I'm reminded me of a similar quote from Tim Chester's You Can Change:

You will cleanse no sin from your life that you have not first recognized as being pardoned through the cross. ... If you don't see your sin as completely pardoned, then your affections, desires and motives will be wrong. You will aim to prove yourself. Your focus will be the consequences of your sin rather than hating the sin itself and desiring God in its place. (p.33)

As I preach the gospel to myself, and come to know in every fibre of my being that I'm forgiven, I stop wallowing in my guilt, and start obeying in the freedom and hope of God's grace.

what I'm reading: condemnation and the cross from CJ Mahaney's The Cross Centred Life

I'm a guilt-wallower. I'm often weighed down by all the things I haven or haven't done. I carry around a big burden of guilt, regrets and failures.

So I was encouraged to read these words in CJ Mahaney's The Cross Centred Life the other day. Balm for a tender conscience.

Condemnation appears in innumerable forms. It's the weight on the heart of the businessman who was rarely home when his kids were growing up. It's the undercurrent of grief and mental self-torture in the woman who had an abortion twelve years ago. It's the nagging conscience of the Cristian man who muttered a crude insult at a reckless driver twelve minutes ago. It's the lingering sense of regret over a lack of prayer; it's kind words unsaid and promises broken.

Some of us have been carrying so much, for so long, that we think it's normal to go through life weighted down. ... But in Romans 8:1 the Bible tells us, "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." ...

The enemy of our soul with his lies will always be swift to whisper accusations. When these challenges come, don't try to fight condemnation by promising to pray more, or to fast more often, or to memorize more Scripture. ... It's impossible to resolve issues of yesterday by doing better tomorrow. ...

You can't do it. That's why Jesus did it for you. ...

Lay down the luggage of condemnation and kneel down in worship at the feet of Him who bore your sins.

CJ Mahaney The Cross Centred Life 37-43

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Mia Freedman on living in the present moment

It's Sunday morning, early, and a heavy roll of greyish paper encased in sticky pink plastic thuds onto our driveway. Removing the plastic wrap takes patience, dexterity, strength, sharp objects, and a willingness to risk deep lacerations to the hands and fingers.

The newspaper emerges, bent into tight curves which make it nearly unreadable. A little unfolding, a little bending back into shape, and there it is: the Sunday edition of The Age.

My husband heads straight for the sports section. I burrow deeper into the pile of papers. "Why do they print so many sections? Who wants to read all this stuff anyway? Where's my magazine? I think they've LEFT OUT MY MAGAZINE! Oh, here it is."

Who needs the news when you've got Sunday Life? Yes, I know I'm impossibly girly, but I turn straight to Mia Freedman's column, with an occasional brief detour to glance at the headlines, and feel myself slipping into sweet Sunday relaxation as I read her first words.

I love Mia. She's witty, smart and vulnerable. Her observations about womanhood are astute and entertaining. She's a real mum, complete with muffin top and mistakes.

Last Sunday, she helped me see something I hadn't seen before: that women find it much harder than men to live in the present. We regard the past with a mixture of guilt and nostalgia (scrapbooking, anyone?). We plan a hundred versions of the future down to every last detail, and worry about every possibility ("What if ..?"). You can read Mia's observations here.

I'm not sure what true assurance you can have about the past or future if you're not a Christian. There's still good common sense in not worrying - Jesus says, "do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself" - but this isn't worth much without his promise that "your heavenly Father knows" what you need (Matt 6:25-34). A vague New Age serenity about the present moment has no solid basis in reality: there really are things to regret and fear.

But we know that Jesus has died for us, and God has forgiven all our past mistakes (1 Jn 1:9f). He lovingly plans our lives, past, present and future (Ps 139:16). He calls us to trust and obey him in the present moment, not in a hundred hypothetical future moments, and gives us exactly as much grace as we need - right now (1 Pet 1:3).

If Mia is right, this is a message that women particularly need to hear.

a bad case of mother guilt

Let's take a break from thinking about childcare (and by the way, keep those questions coming) to think about guilt. :) This is a reprint of my last week's post from Sola Panel for those who missed it! I thought it might be timely given all those childcare posts, which have forced me - and I guess, some of you! - to rethink our priorities in mothering. I've made a few changes in my life, which I'll share with you sometime; but in the meantime, here's how I've been dealing with my guilt.

I've been feeling pretty guilty recently. What have I been feeling guilty about? I'm a mum, so you shouldn't have to ask!

Like so many mothers, I feel guilty because I'm not doing enough for my family. I've been trying to juggle too many things, and I'm worried I'm neglecting my children. (Actually, I don't think I am when I'm thinking logically; if anything's neglected, it's only the dust balls. But guilt doesn't think logically.)

The other morning I poured out my load of mother guilt to God, and found him doing what he does so well—gently, powerfully, wonderfully lifting the burden of guilt from my shoulders and replacing it with the assurance that he loves me and has forgiven me because his own Son died for me.

Guilt carries a weighty load. It brings a leaden heaviness to each of my tasks. It brings desperation as I consider all the things I haven't done. It saps me of joy, so that I trudge cheerlessly through my days. It brings a hidden, unspoken fear that God is going to ‘get’ me (surely some kind of punishment—some kind of payback lies—in store for me!).

I could accept God's grace for three months of imperfect, messy, distracted motherhood. But surely six months of imperfect motherhood is stretching his grace a little too far? Surely he's run out of patience by now? Surely he's no longer interested in giving me energy and grace? Perhaps if I punish myself a little—wallow in guilt feelings, drearily drag myself through my tasks—I'll somehow make up for it.

When I write it down, the logic is so clearly ridiculous, I'd laugh—laugh if I wasn't living as if Jesus' death isn't enough without me adding something to it: my guilt, my repentance, my emotional penance, my perfect motherhood.

The truth is that God never punishes me, for Jesus took my punishment (Rom 3:21-25, 8:1). He may discipline me, but I rejoice in that as a sign of his fatherly love for me (Heb 12:5-7). He hasn't stopped loving me. He hasn't stopped forgiving me. He hasn't even stopped rejoicing over me (Zeph 3:17). There are no obstacles between us; Jesus' death took every one away.

So what do us mothers do with our guilt?

• We repent of any true, known sin. (If you're a wallower or if you're over-confident, it could help to ask an impartial observer!)
• We rethink our priorities and make any changes that need to be made (acknowledging that there are no perfect plans [we're not going to somehow ‘get it right’ next time], but making decisions in prayerful wisdom).
• We accept that there are some consequences of our choices that can't be changed (while changing what we can!). Then we fulfil our responsibilities with joy, not with a heavy burden of guilt, and trust God's sovereignty and grace.
• Above all, we bring our burden of guilt to the cross, accept God's forgiveness, and rejoice in his love.

Here I am, at the foot of the cross again. Here I am, laying down my heavy burden. Here I am, receiving God's free gift of forgiveness. Here I am, enjoying the sun of God's love and joy on my face. Come and enjoy God's grace with me, my fellow mums.

God is not looking for perfect mothers to raise perfect children. He's looking for imperfect mothers who are raising imperfect children in an imperfect world, and desperately dependent on a perfect God for the results.

* From Vicki Courtney's excellent book Five Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter, B&H, Nashville, p. 257 - which I'm planning to review sometime, but in the meantime, I suggest you buy if you have a daughter old enough to talk! I've changed ‘daughters’ to ‘children’.

image is by Evil Erin at flickr

stop tinkering and look

It's time to stop looking at myself and start looking at Christ!

It's so easy to spend my whole time examining myself and my thoughts and emotions, trying to change myself and prove myself worthy of God's love, and feeling a haunting sense of failure because I will never measure up. How much better to look at the one who died for me!

I don't need to earn God's love and approval: it's already mine in Christ. I don't need to be good enough for God: he sees me covered by the perfect righteousness of his Son. I don't need to keep striving to prove myself to me, others, or God: I can rest in the grace of God which is mine through the death of Jesus.

Robert Murray M'Cheyne said, "For every look at self, take ten looks at Christ."

Here's another quote I love:

While we are looking at God we do not see ourselves - blessed riddance. The man who has struggled to purify himself and has had nothing but repeated failures will experience real relief when he stops tinkering with his soul and looks away to the perfect One. While he looks at Christ, the very thing he has so long been trying to do will be getting done within him. (AW Tozer "The Pursuit of God" 85 HT Of First Importance my emphasis)

So you'll notice a new verse at the top right hand side of this blog: "I have resolved to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified" (1 Cor 2:2).

Just in time for Easter!

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Charles Spurgeon speaks to the broken

There never was one who came to him with a broken heart, but he healed him. He never said to one, “You are too bad for me to heal;” but he did say, “Him that cometh to me, I will in no wise cast out.” My dear hearer, he will not cast you out. You say, “You do not know me, Mr. Spurgeon.” No, I do not; and you have come here to-night, and you hardly know why you are here; only you are very low and very sad.

The Lord Jesus Christ loves such as you are, you poor, desponding, doubting, desolate, disconsolate one. Daughters of sorrow, sons of grief, look ye here! Jesus Christ has gone on healing broken hearts for thousands of years, and he is well up in the business. He understands it by experience, as well as by education. He is “mighty to save.” Consider him; consider him; and the Lord grant you grace to come and trust him even now!

Charles Spurgeon, Christ’s Hospital

HT Of First Importance

Biblical womanhood (4) self-control and your thoughts and emo

I have been reminded recently, once again, of the importance of preaching the gospel to myself every day, as I bring my thoughts and emotions under the blessed control of God's truth.

At the start of this term, my shoulder muscles were stiff with stress, I was wading breathless through a bewildering sea of responsibilities, and when I stopped to think about it, I could feel a tightening band of anxiety around my chest.

I was struggling with feelings of discouragement, worry and guilt. Discouragement over my lack of organisation last term (funny how a couple of forgotten committee meetings and un-run errands can plunge me into despair!). Worry about all the tasks I've committed to this term (Sunday School, Equip books, Sola Panel, a certain series on Biblical womanhood). Guilt about the burden these things place on our family (mostly false guilt, since I was fulfilling my responsibilities to my family, according to my husband, who ought to know).

For several memorable mornings, right at the start of the term, I woke at 6.00 and prayed in the lovely early-morning silence which rests on a house at that hour of the day. I spent a good 20 minutes or so praying through the unhelpful thoughts I was listening to: the guilt, the worry, the discouragement. I battled my unbelieving, doubting, anxious thoughts one-by-one, wrestling them into submission, taking each one captive to God's truth.

I can't begin to tell you the difference it's made! As I meditated on God's character - my Father's loving sovereignty, and how he is in control of all my responsibilities; my Saviour's sacrifice, and how I have been forgiven for all my sinful failings; the Spirit's empowering, and how I do everything in his strength - and as I praised God for his grace, and prayed about my anxieties - a burden was lifted, and my days were permeated with a sense of peace.

I'm swallowed up in busy-ness at the moment, and anxiety is threatening to creep up on me, but I'm finding that the inner assurance of God's sovereign love, which I fought so hard for at the start of this term, still remains with me, holding it at bay.

God won't ask me to do anything he doesn't give the time, energy, strength, and grace to do. He will be patient with me as I struggle with all the sins I'm so painfully aware of, and he will give me the grace to overcome them, slowly but surely. I can take each day as it comes, with its own particular responsibilities, and give myself to them fully and joyfully, rather than allowing the weight of the next 30 days to rest on my shoulders.

I am reminded of Jesus' "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls" (Matt. 11:29).

In his service is perfect freedom.

For more on self-control as it relates to our thoughts and emotions, see chapter 4 of Carolyn Mahaney's Feminine Appeal, and Nicole's helpful discussion of the issues raised at EQUIP book club.

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