what I'm reading: women, work, and the home

I couldn't wait for The measure of success to come out. Carolyn McCulley is a thoughtful, entertaining writer, and in this book she tackles the controversial topic of women, work and the home.

The first few chapters - a potted history of work - kept me glued to the page. They made me ask the question: How are our views on women, work and the home shaped by our culture as well as by the Bible? 

What did Paul mean when he encouraged young married women to "manage their households" (1 Tim 5:14) and to "work at home" (Titus 2:5)? Did he mean women with children shouldn't do paid work? Or that our homes should be beautiful? I don't think so. The reason we sometimes conclude these things is because of a post-industrial view of work and the home.

Carolyn McCulley says,

With the dozens and dozens of magazines, cable shows, and Pinterest boards, it's no surprise if you think about your home as an expression of your identity. ...

That's not the concept of the home that most people have had throughout history. The home was a center of productivity. If we don't know that history, then we will read the biblical verses about the home only through the lens of our current experience - and potentially misunderstand the intent of these passages ...

Over the last several centuries, Christians have engaged in this debate about where women should be productive. When mainstream culture devalued marriage and motherhood, Christians (and those from some other faith traditions) rightly upheld these important roles. When mainstream culture overvalued the workplace, they also rightly upheld the value of the home.

The only problem is that our modern concept of the home is not the same as the biblical concept. ... For most of human history, the home was the original small business unit, the building block of a community's economic vitality. It was only after the upheaval of the Industrial Revolution that the home moved from being a place of productivity to a place of consumption.

Did you catch that? For most of history, the home was a "place of productivity". Work was done in and from the home. Farming and manufacture were home businesses, led by mums and dads, their kids underfoot and working alongside them. Like everyone else, women worked in and from the home, in roles that earned money and roles that didn't.

What does this mean for the verses about women and work in the Bible? I'll be honest: I'm not sure. For a start, I haven't finished the book yet. But also, I don't think the answers are simple. This is going to take some time to process.

I still believe it's ideal for young kids to be cared for by a parent as much as possible. I think women will generally be the ones who do this, not just because of cultural norms, but also because that's the way God made us (Gen 2-3; Prov. 31:10-31; 1 Tim. 5:14; Tit. 2:3-5). We only see this as a problem because our society teaches us to idolize "career". Managing a home and raising kids is work, and it's meaningful, hard, skillful work.

But I am coming to see that there is flexibility and freedom in the way this might happen. It won't look the same for everyone. I have friends I greatly respect who made the decision - one that I think was wise for them - to do paid work a few days a week early in their children's lives because it helped keep them sane.* And we don't all have the choice: I have a friend who's a single mum and has to work in a thankless job so she can support her family.

I also know women who stayed home full-time with their kids until they reached school age, then took on some work outside the home; and women who stayed home with their kids, pretty much full time, into the teen years (hey, wait a minute, that's me - and my son's chronic illness has made me very grateful I have this option). Not so they can devote themselves to the "home beautiful" (an idol just as potent as "career"), but so they can love and serve those around them, and those God has entrusted to them.

Jesus doesn't want us to store up treasure on earth: sanded floorboards, a successful career, or perfectly behaved children (Matt 6:19-24). He wants us to work hard at the tasks he's given us; and he want us to work, not for ourselves, but for him (Eph 2:10; Col 3:23). He wants us to live for our true home.

You might also enjoy:

• these posts on biblical womanhood
• these posts on homemaking.

* Two had depression; one is an extrovert, with outgoing kids who enjoyed childcare, who found she was much more cheerful and productive at home while working a few days a week.


Quote is from Carolyn McCulley's The measure of success, 46-47, italics mine.

what I'm reading - a book for homemakers

So you're a homemaker. What book tops your homemaking list?

Or maybe you have a homemaker in your life. What book would you give them?

Until now, I didn't have a top pick. A book on biblical womanhood in the home? A book of household tips? A book on time management? They've all helped me, but more often they leave me feeling guilt-ridden and defeated.

What I really want is a book about the gospel. A book that shows the gospel peeping out of my overstocked pantry. A book that gives me grace when my kids won't stop arguing. A book that frees me to be hospitable, smudged walls and all.

Gloria Furman has written just that book: Glimpses of Grace. She says,

I used to believe that this journey of sancitification - the adventure of God working in me, both to will and to work for his good pleasure (Phil 2:13) - would only be accomplished when I am free from the "distractions" of my life.

If I set my alarm clock to attempt to wake up before one of my babies and had my plans foileed, then I would think, "Well, there goes my communion with God today!"

I had allowed my spiritual life to be relegated to an easy chair with a cup of hot coffee in a quiet house without any moise or clutter or life.

Your spiritual life is not restricted to early mornings before the noise makers in your life wake up. If you feel that God meets with you only when the house is empty or quiet, you’ll view every noise and every noise-maker as an annoying distraction to your communion with God. ...

God fellowships with us as we are in the midst of our mundane.

I'm really enjoying reading this book. It's not hard to read - it's a dip-in, dip-out kind of book, which suits us homemakers just fine!

My guess is you'll enjoy it too.


Quote is from Gloria Furmans's Glimpses of Grace, 19, 53, 55.

when you feel resentful about homemaking

Last week I shared my friend's question with you:

I was wondering if any of you have any advice, or could recommend a talk or book, that could encourage me in my role as homemaker.

I have been becoming increasingly irritated and resentful about doing all the housework lately (as well as finances, admin, handy man stuff etc). I'm also the one who is training the children to do it. Maybe I need to share it with my husband more, I don't know. 

(My friend has several young children, and every week she has 2 child-free days that theoretically free her up to do housework. She says, "I am hesitant to add more to my husband's workload when I have 'extra time'.")

Here's my response, with a few suggestions from mutual friends scattered through (you'll find some more responses here). You can skip to the practical points at the end if you like!

***

You'll need to figure out the "why" behind what you're feeling before you know what to do. There are five main reasons I can think of that this happens for me:

1) because I am extra tired, and tiredness brings out my anger. One of the ways I know I'm exhausted is that I start to feel angry at my husband. It's a warning sign I've come to recognise. It might mean I need a day off (maybe he could mind the kids and let you go away for a night?), or need to remember all he does, or need to ask for more help, or, when it’s not under my control, just need to recognise it, pray for grace, and be patient until it passes.

My friend adds,

When I have found myself getting annoyed, resentful or frustrated in the past, I have found praying through 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 with a focus on the specific person triggering the response helpful. This has proved to be a great aid to forgiveness and a great assistance to recovering a Christ-like attitude in difficult situations for me (and for others who have also tried it). It is especially helpful when prayed in the light of 1 John 4:7-12.

2) because I'm losing sight of why I'm doing this: it’s my job, and one I willingly accepted. That's where reading books has really helped me. Carolyn Mahaney's Feminine Appeal helped me see my role this way years ago, and her book Shopping for Time is a great help in living it out. But I think you’ve already been there, done that! I've found that talking with godly friends in similar situations, sharing our difficulties, helping each other keep our eyes on the goal, and praying for each other, also helps a lot.

3) because I'm unwilling to ask for or accept help, perhaps because I'm proud or stubborn, or like to do things my way so I can control the outcome. (For example, when my husband does the dishes he leaves them until later, but I like to get them done before I relax. Or he shops and doesn’t buy the exact things I want. Or, when it comes to child rearing, I think I can do it better.) I need to loosen up and let him help!

My friend adds,

In terms of sharing the load, it helps to give specifics and perhaps to set a time in the week for doing them if that helps the husband remember them. Also, set up a back-up system for when the wife is feeling overwhelmed. We have also talked about which jobs we prefer and have found that often they differ and we can do something that we prefer that the other hates. 

Another friend says,

The issue might be your husband's lack of involvement in family responsibilities. It could be that his brain is in a different place and he hasn't noticed how much he's dumped on you, but finding the balance is important for making it through the long term. I would start by talking with him about it and maybe suggesting he chat with a more experienced person about gaining a balance between the responsibilities of home and work/ministry/study.

 4) because I don't take time to rest, perhaps because I set my sights too high (e.g. every mother has to train their kids in this way, pray with their kids that way, keep this clean, collect these memories...), so I'm getting burnt out. I’ve learned I need a day off during the week – weekends don’t do it, they’re just a continuation of my week’s work – so I take most Friday mornings off and go to a park to read, write, walk and pray. I have to remind myself that caring for our home and family is my main ministry so it’s okay not to be doing heaps of other things! Books like Tim Chester’s The Busy Christian’s Guide to Busyness and Arch Hart’s Adrenaline and Stress help me here.

5) because I've lost sight of God's grace, all he's forgiven me for, and all he willingly gives me, so I feel bitter and resentful about serving. I haven’t read it yet, but I’m hoping that Gloria Freeman’s Glimpses of Grace - a book about the gospel and homemaking (it looks really good, not at all twee or predictable) - will help me here. Or Tim Keller’s King’s Cross or any other book on the cross would do. Or just some time spent in God’s word, reading over Psalm 103 or a gospel or a letter and meditating on God’s character and all he’s done. (Another good reason for asking for a day off to rest and refocus.)

Anyhow, here are some specific ideas, depending on what the issue is:

• communicate what you’re feeling with your husband, and see if he has some perspective and what he offers. You might be pleasantly surprised. (I say "if" because it can’t be assumed, and sometimes we need to accept our husbands the way they are, forbear, forgive, and remember to be thankful for all God has given us in them. But the conversations need to happen first, and regularly if possible, so that resentment doesn’t build up.) 
• ask for help in specific ways, and accept help when it is offered. You probably know by now the things your husband is more keen to help out with, or more capable of doing; perhaps you could hand over some of these things, at least temporarily. 
• lower your standards. Are there things you are doing because you think they need to be done rather than because God demands them of you? You might need to sit more lightly to them (e.g. I’d love to still be learning Bible verses with my kids, but the demands of life have meant that we only did that for a year - of course, we keep teaching them the Bible, just differently).
• take a morning or weekend off to recuperate and reflect and re-energise. Do it soon! Take a regular day off during the week. Talk and pray with godly friends in a similar situation 
• as you suggest, read some good books: God’s word, something on your role, something on self-care, something on God’s grace 
• pray about what you’re feeling. I should have put that first! ;)

Please keep adding your ideas to the comments. Just click here. Thanks to those who've already responded!

a question for you

Here's a question from a friend whose husband is busy with full-time work / study (no personal details here!).

I thought you might like to help me answer her, and she's keen to hear your thoughts too.

I was wondering if any of you have any advice, or could recommend a talk or book, that could encourage me in my role as homemaker.

I have been becoming increasingly irritated and resentful about doing all the housework lately (as well as finances, admin, handy man stuff etc). I'm also the one who is training the children to do it. Maybe I need to share it with my husband more, I don't know. 

(My friend has several young children, and every week she has 2 child-free days that theoretically free her up to do housework. She says, "I am hesitant to add more to my husband's workload when I have 'extra time'.")

 We'd love to hear from you. You can respond by clicking here.

the very good job of motherhood

Motherhood involves a lot of driving for me at the moment.

Yesterday, I drove to Ben's school four times. Each trip, there and back, took at least half an hour. The morning trip, through traffic and a detour around local roadworks, took an hour. The last trip included an hour at the local doctor's.

All this driving was necessary to get Ben, who suffers from chronic headaches, to and from school so he could get through his first day of term 2. (He had a wonderful day, by the way, headache and all; praise God for his answer to prayer!)

Ben, being the sensitive child he is, apologised for taking up so much of my time; and I, being the good mother I am ;), answered, "Don't worry, darling, I don't mind at all."

Except, of course, part of me does mind. I mind the frustrations of driving through traffic. I mind the hours I could be doing something else. I needed to be reminded why this is something I shouldn't mind.

So, to myself as much as to my son, I said, "Benny, this is my job. If I was working in an office, I'd be driving, running errands, and they'd be much more pointless than this. You are my job. You and Lizzy and Thomas and Andy are my job. The house is my job. Helping your dad is my job. That's why I don't do paid work at the moment, so I can do this job."

My words spoke to me. They shifted my perspective. They reminded me that, yes, I have a job, and it's an important one, and one that I love.

And yes, I'd like more time to do ministry outside the home (at the moment, I'm limited to a frustratingly inadequate half-day a week). And yes, I'm aware that one day, soon, I might need to start working for part of the week and earn some extra money. But right now, especially with Ben so sick, this is my full-time job.

This is my job. It's a good job: helping Steve, caring for our kids, managing our home. Let me never forget that! Let me never forget how much I would miss it if I didn't get to do this. Let me never forget that, in doing this ministry-at-home, I love and serve Jesus.

Next time I'm stuck in traffic, driving my kids to or from school, I'll try to remember that.

a question for you: lazy around the house?

After all that talk about housework and work, it seems a good time to ask you a question from a friend. (My friend, by the way, is pregnant with her second baby.) This is an issue I struggle with too, so we'd both love to hear your advice!

I want to ask how you organise your time? I know we're at very different stages of life, and I shouldn't aim at being some kind of supernatural wonder woman, but sometimes I feel like I don't get anything at all done, and it's mostly because I'm disorganised and generally lazy about things around the house - it's so easy to be lazy at home when nobody else is watching! Of course, that then leads to guilt about not getting things done... I've also just read Shopping for Time, so I'm starting to try to implement some of their suggestions, but is there any extra advice you could give?

Have you ever felt like this? Have you got any suggestions? Share your experiences and ideas here.

image is by Aunty Cookie (very appropriate!) from flickr

housework has a 'work' in it

It's funny how the me of the past can surprise and challenge the me of the present.

Usually, I regard the me of the past with a little disdain. Haven't I moved from there? Was I really so worried about that issue? Oh, please!

But sometimes the me of the past floors me with her (my?) wisdom - a wisdom I lost somewhere along the way. This happened to me recently when a friend sent a suggestion for a blog post:

I remember when I was first home with my first child, that you helped me greatly by suggesting that I work at the housework consistently through the day with a few breaks rather than completing a job and then stopping.

I said what??? And (embarrassingly) how seldom have I lived up to this since? Of course, there's nothing magical about my then-approach to housework, but it's a helpful pattern.

But it's what my friend added next that really helped me:

I have found it much better for my mood to see the house and kids as
something I work at all day not just when a need arises.

Now that's helpful.

It's relatively easy to work when you're at work. The boss is watching, there are people around, and you'll eventually get fired if the job's not done. There are clear expectations, clear tasks, and clear achievements.

It's not so easy with housework. You have to be self-disciplined and self-motivated (or visitor-motivated). No-one cheers you on. You do it, then do it all over again the next day - and the next.

Like all work in this fallen world, housework can feel like unrewarding drudgery. Probably more so, because (or so the voices in our heads tell us) who wants to be a housewife these days? Shouldn't my husband be doing as much as I am? Isn't there something more meaningful I could be doing with my time?

So we swap anecdotes about how little we do, boast about how much our husbands do, squeeze housework into increasingly smaller portions of time, and look down on our house-obsessed friends. I know, I've done it. (And yes, while you can turn housework into an idol, my tendency is to go too far the other way.)

So I like what my friend says. I like the idea of treating this wifing / mothering / housework thing as my job, not an annoying intrusion into work, ministry and relaxation. Because this is my work (or part of it, anyway). This matters. This is valuable. This requires generosity, self-discipline, grace - and a pair of strong arms (Prov 31:17).

Thanks, friend, for the reminder that housework has a 'work' in it.

If you enjoyed this, you might enjoy:
a tale of two mornings
cleanliness is not next to godliness

biblical womanhood: did I get the balance right? (2)

Last week I posted the beginning of this email exchange between Loretta and me about my article Woman to woman: Answering the call of Titus 2. Thanks to those who shared their thoughts. Here's the rest of it, starting with my reply to Loretta. Tell me what you think!

Dear Loretta,

Do you know, I think you're right, and if I could go back and rewrite the second paragraph in the biblical womanhood section, I would! I’d keep the emphasis of the article on Titus 2:3-5 – these are the clearest verses in the Bible about what women should teach to women – but I think you’re right about the overall tone of the biblical womanhood section. I do think the qualifications need to be there (although the sentence on work was originally in a footnote) but I agree that I should have talked more strongly about the positive content of teaching on biblical womanhood. Ah, well, that’s the nature of writing: you do your best, but it’s never perfect!

Now, as to your question about examples of teaching which (unintentionally) encourage “home idolatry”: I’ve listened to a lot of talks and read a lot of books about godly womanhood coming out of America, and while they've been of immense help to me and I think Australian Christians have a huge amount to learn from them (especially about the practical implications of biblical womanhood), there's sometimes a tendency to make single women feel like their whole life should be a preparation for marriage and motherhood. I find this very disturbing. There’s also a tendency for married women to be encouraged to create a beautiful home, which I think smacks more of materialistic Western culture than of Christianity. I don’t need to be encouraged to idolise my home: I’m already tempted to do this!

I’m not sure you’re right when you say, "If you are married, then there's nothing more valuable than motherhood" – not that I think you’ll disagree with me once I explain. There are childless women who desperately long for children; and if you’re married with children, marriage is your primary human relationship before motherhood. But even marriage doesn’t come first. The same thing is of first importance (1 Cor 15:3) for mums as for any other Christian: God’s kingdom and the glory of Jesus.

For married women with young children, the focus of this service will be husband, children and home. But if I make motherhood the central value of my life then I risk making my children central, and loving my family more than God (which Jesus warns us against - Lk 14:26). For example, I might not become a missionary because of the risk to my kids, or I might use my focus on home as an excuse not to do ministries that make me uncomfortable. For me, the temptation is the opposite – to do too much ministry at the expense of my family. I think it depends on our personalities and on the tendencies of the Christian culture we live in. (I tried to nut out some of these issues in my posts on balancing homemaking and ministry. You might enjoy the extended discussion in the comments!)

Thanks for your constructive feedback. It’s very helpful to me, and will help me to write and teach about this more clearly in future.

In Christ,
Jean.

***

Dear Jean,

The third and fourth paragraph in your email really clarified for me a woman's priorities. I'm just trying to make sure I really understand this: Can you look at the following paragraph and tell me if you agree, and how I can refine my logic better?

For all women our priority is God's kingdom and Jesus' glory. This expresses itself in different ways according to our stage in life. For those who are married, we are to focus on submitting to our husbands and [if we have children] raising godly offspring. Not saying that these are the only things you are ever to do with your life, but these are important things that married women can do in service of God. The purpose of raising your up godly offspring is so that you as a family can serve others. So it wouldn't make sense that you be so absorbed in family life that you neglect those outside your family, because the purpose of your family is to serve God by serving each other and also those very people. Also, it would make sense to become missionaries and take your kids to a dangerous/backward place to live because that could be useful in teaching your kids how you can love others and desire their salvation so much that you are willing to sacrifice comfort and friends.

In Christ
Loretta.

***

Dear Loretta,

I think your paragraph is spot-on.

In Christ,
Jean.

Once again, I'd love to hear your thoughts: about biblical womanhood, about my article, or about "household idolatry".

images are from James Paterson Art and 'karen' at flickr

biblical womanhood: did I get the balance right? (1)

Soon after my article Woman to woman: Answering the call of Titus 2 appeared in The Briefing, I received an email from Loretta reflecting on what I'd said about biblical womanhood. I wrote back, she wrote back, and it turned into an interesting and helpful exchange. Here's the first part of it, edited for brevity and clarity. I know some of you have been wanting to read this, so please tell me what you think!

Dear editor,

I’m not sure who the warnings against ‘household idolatry’ are targeted at (‘Woman to woman: Answering the call of Titus 2’), but for us younger women in our twenties, it is the idolatry of materialism that hinders us from the wholehearted application of Titus 2:3-5. We are under great pressure to establish fulfilling careers, earn lots of money, travel the world and live in luxury – and all this at the expense of staying at home to raise godly offspring.

Therefore, it would be great if older women could encourage us younger wives and mothers to find value in being busy at home and loving our children. It’s not glorious, the pay is dismal and overtime is a given, but what could be more important than training children to know and love the Lord? Rather than avoiding children until the last possible moment, we should seek to welcome as many as we can into our lives.

Motherhood may be tedious, exhausting and demeaning, but, as Titus 2:3-5 shows, it is also eternally worthwhile.

Loretta.

***

Dear Loretta,

I agree with you that young women, especially in our society, need to hear older women encouraging them to be whole-hearted as they love and help their husbands, teach and train their children, and stay committed to home and family. I agree that motherhood is a high calling. That's why, in my article, I said that home and family is “where her primary focus lies” for the young married woman with children, and that work should never undermine this. Motherhood is, indeed, “eternally worthwhile”, as you say – praise God!

The warnings against “household idolatry” in my article were directed at a certain kind of teaching on Titus 2:3-5 which idolises family and home so that single or childless women are made to feel that they are waiting for the significant part of their lives to start, and married women with children may become so focussed on their homes (in itself a good thing!) that they forget about serving in the church and reaching out to non-Christians in the community. I thought that both tendencies – the tendency to neglect home and family for career, and the tendency to idolise home and family – needed to be addressed.

I hope that clarifies things! Feel free to write back if you’d like to talk more about this.

In Christ,
Jean.

***

Dear Jean,

Thanks for your reply. I read through your blog articles and I agree with everything you say about motherhood.

I was wondering whether you can give me a few examples of people who use Titus 2:3-5 to promote the idolising of the home, such that single women feel left out? Would it be, for example, if people say things like, "There's nothing more valuable than motherhood"? Whereas what they should say is, "If you are married, then there's nothing more valuable than motherhood", because those who are not married can devote themselves to doing lots and lots of word ministry (a la 1 Cor 7:34-35). Are there any other examples of people/books that promote 'household idolatry'??

While I totally agree with what you said in the article, my first impression when I read the third section was that there were heaps of warnings against the misuse of Titus 2 but not much on how Titus 2 can apply to the lives of women. And that I found a bit unsatisfying, given the title of your article. And all these qualifications, I think, undermined your support for Titus 2:3-5. Your article used Titus 2 to prove that older women should teach younger women, and went into that in detail, but it didn't flesh out the more important part of the passage, which is the content of what the older women are to teach.

Argh I hope these thoughts made sense. Thank you for reading and thanks for all those blog posts that you sent me.

Cheers.
Loretta.

***

I think she's got a point. What do you think? Did I get the balance right? (Don't feel like you have to defend me: I found myself agreeing with much of what Loretta says, and I'd love to hear your thoughts.)

I'll share my response, and the rest of our emails, soon.

images are from DianthusMoon, nep and catface 3 at flickr

woman to woman (4c) a Titus 2 curriculum: biblical womanhood

God has given us an important role in the lives of younger women: to teach and train them in godly womanhood (Titus 2:3-5). We've seen how this can happen in all kinds of ways, like young mums' Bible studies, book clubs, and letter-writing. But what are we to teach? So far, we've talked about the gospel and sound doctrine; today, I talk about biblical womanhood (a huge topic you can read more about in this series).

3. Biblical womanhood

Women also need to hear about God's glorious plan for womanhood. Manhood and womanhood were not an afterthought in God's design for humanity. From the moment of creation, God made us male and female, equal before God, with different roles and responsibilities. The woman was made to be the man's ‘helper’, serving God in light of the created order (Gen 1-3, 1 Tim 2:11-15).

Titus 2:3-5 spells out what this looks like in the life of a young, married woman with children. She is to love her husband and children, stay pure and self-controlled, manage her home and practise kindness, and be submissive to her husband. This isn't an exhaustive list, nor does it mean that a married woman shouldn't do paid work outside the home, as long as this supports, rather than undermines, her commitment to home and family (cf. Prov 31). But it does show where her primary focus lies.

Yet we must be careful not to use Titus 2:3-5 to encourage women to idolize home and family. As Nicole Starling says,

These particular instructions to women in Titus 2:3-5 are meant to sail on an ocean of general instruction given in the Bible for all of us as Christians: without an awareness of that big ocean of the Bible's teaching about Jesus and the kingdom of God, the Titus 2 boat can end up bobbing around harmlessly and inoffensively in the backyard swimming pool of suburban materialism, going nowhere.2

Much teaching on Titus 2:3-5 subtly encourages household idolatry. Singleness becomes a waiting room for marriage, rather than an opportunity to serve Christ with undivided attention (1 Cor 7:32-35), and the family home becomes an end in itself, rather than a place to reach out to others.3

But Titus 2:3-5 encourages young women not only to ‘work at home’ but also to be “kind”.4 In 1 Timothy 5:9-10, the word ‘kind’ is linked to many good deeds of godly women—not just bringing up children, but also showing hospitality, serving Christians, and caring for the needy. A godly woman's home is not only a secure refuge, but also a base for loving, serving and reaching out to others.

2 Nicole Starling, ‘Transformed by Titus 2’, 1 September 2008, http://equipbooks.blogspot.com/2008/09/chapter-1-transformed-by-titus-2.html.

3 Carolyn Mahaney's Feminine Appeal (Crossway, Wheaton, 2004), the best book I've read on Titus 2:3-5, occasionally has this tendency.

4 ‘Agathos’, the Greek word for ‘kind’ in Titus 2:5, is almost always translated ‘good’ in the ESV and NIV, and is used frequently in Titus for the ‘good deeds’ characteristic of Christians responding to God's grace (see Titus 1:8, 16, 2:5, 3:1).

image is from stock.xchng

coping with difficult seasons (2) attitudes

Yesterday I talked about some of the practicalities of coping with difficult seasons as a wife and mother. But just as important - in fact, far more important! - is what's going on in our hearts. How do we fix our eyes on Jesus during these times? How can we find time to pray, if we can barely find time and energy to breathe? How can we trust God when our hearts are heavy?

1. cry out to God, ask others to pray for you
God wants us to cry out to him when things get tough (Ps 88). Only he can give us the strength to go on. Tell him how you feel. Ask him for help. Ask others to pray with or for you, especially if you're having trouble praying.
2. realise that time with God will be limited but is still important
I know how tough it is to spend regular time with God when you've got a new baby or the kids are sick! Sometimes this is because we aim too high. Try for 5 minutes: put your Bible, a prayer list, a book of helpful reflections and a set of memory verses in a bag and grab one when you've got a spare moment. When you're sitting feeding a baby or cuddling a child, perhaps you could quickly pray or repeat a Bible verse you've learned. Christian music and talks or the Bible on MP3 are good ways to get input during difficult times. Don’t wait until you’re coping: come to God messy.
3. understand that suffering is part of life
We’re often surprised at how tough life is – at least I am! But it shouldn't surprise us (1 Pet 4:12), for suffering is part of this fallen world. God never minimises our suffering. Suffering hurts. Suffering is real. Sleep deprivation (and sick kids and stressful times and sadness and …) are suffering.
4. understand that God is in control
That might not feel all that comforting right now! But your loving, heavenly father is in control, and he is good and gracious (Job 1:20-21, 2:10). Nothing comes to us except from his loving hands (Heb 12:7-11).
5. understand how suffering reveals your heart
Times of suffering are times when God reveals our hearts (Deut 8:2, 1 Cor 10:1-15, Jam 1:13-15). If I get irritable when I'm over-tired, that's my heart talking, not the suffering! The suffering just shows what was already there. But there’s hope …
6. understand how suffering helps you grow
God uses suffering to make you more like Jesus, even when you can’t see it and you feel discouraged by your sin (Rom 5:3-5). You'll look back on those times and realise that you've grown in hope, joy, love and patience: I know, I've been there, although there were times I wondered if I'd changed at all!
7. try to serve cheerfully
Remember that it's Jesus you're serving (Col 3:23-34) when you serve that annoyingly sleeping husband, that baby who's just dirtied the 4th nappy in a row, or that child who's just woken you again. Count to 10 before you say anything! Try to speak words of patience and kindness - with God's help.
8. remember it will end
God doesn't tempt us beyond what we can bear, although it often feels like it! (1 Cor 10:13) This time will last as long as it needs to and no more. It will come to an end, if not now, then in eternity.
9. fix your eyes on Jesus
Jesus is the one who endured all things for your sake. He endured suffering with patience (1 Pet 2:21-25). He knows your struggles and sympathises with your weaknesses (Heb 4:14-16). He's praying for you right now (Heb 7:25). His Spirit is within you, praying for you and helping you to be godly (Rom 8:26-27, Gal 5:16-25). Suffering can't separate you from his love (Rom 8:31-39). One day you'll enjoy perfect rest with him forever! Now that sounds good.

* You'll find some great suggestions for spending time with God when you have a new baby at growing with a newborn by Cathy at The Best Book Co-op.

images are from stock.xchng

coping with difficult seasons (1) practicalities

The women in my Bible study have been going through a difficult time recently. Every family has had a run of illnesses, from colds to gastro and flu. Most of the women are suffering from sleep deprivation, with young children and babies waking up many times a night. This post is for them - and for you!

We all have to cope with busy, difficult seasons of life. Pregnancy brings persistent nausea (don’t I know?!), aches and pains, and sleepless nights. New babies come with constant demands, breastfeeding difficulties, and those 3 or 6 o'clock moments when you’re forced out of bed feeling like you’ve been hit over the head with a sledge-hammer. Older children catch gastro, colds and flu, and generously pass them around the family. PMS can cause despondency or anger every month. Grief, sickness and depression steal time and energy from the rest of life.

How do you cope as a mother and homemaker during those times? Here’s some ideas.*

1. do only what’s necessary
The main thing is that your family has something to eat and wear. If you've fed your family off clean plates and put clean(ish) clothes on their backs, you've done what needs to be done.
2. simplify your tasks
Order take-away, take clothes to the laundromat, use the dryer, pay for a cleaner if you can afford it. If you must clean, clean only what you can see or smell.
3. let the real priorities surface
Care for your husband, cuddle your kids and let the rest slide. Dust balls and dirty sheets won't kill you. People matter more than places and things!
4. do what works
When I have a new baby I often let guilt do the talking: “I should settle my baby this way.” “Breast is best.” There are no rules in the Bible about these things! Do what works for you and your family. You might need some help to set up routines or encourage a child to sleep (feed-play-sleep is a simple and flexible approach) but remember these are just suggestions which may or may not work for you.
5. do the next thing
It's hard to drag yourself through your tasks when you're feeling sick, exhausted or discouraged. You don't have to do everything: just do one thing. Often that will get you moving so that you can do the next. But just one thing is good!
6. be prepared
This isn't always possible, of course! But if you know a difficult time is coming - a new baby, an absent husband - plan how you'll cope. Cook meals, or ask someone else to cook meals, and freeze them (a personal favourite!). Ask for help in advance. Work out what you'll do (e.g. call a friend) when things get tough. Organise babysitting or company if you need help with managing hormone-driven emotions. You need to do these now, while you’re thinking clearly!
7. sleep when you can
If your new baby or sick child is sleeping, it's probably not the time to be racing around tidying. Get some sleep, put your feet up or go for a walk.
8. ask for and accept help
You weren't made to do it alone! Ask your husband to do the shopping. Ask a family member to vacuum your loungeroom. Ask a friend to cook some meals. Accept help when it's offered. God made you to be part of a community which serves one another: have the humility and wisdom to accept help.
9. trust God for the things that don’t get done
This is a great opportunity to remember that you’re a creature, not the Creator, and to learn to depend on God. Don't expect to be able to do everything: you're not God. Trust God for the things you have no time for.

* I've taken many of these ideas from these helpful posts, which you might like to read:
Carolyn Mahaney and daughters A Busy Woman's Survival Manual, managing busy seasons and busy time survival
Jess' post collected thoughts for new moms from Making Home
Nicole's post when my kids are sick from 168 hours
my post sleep deprived mamma from in all honesty

images are from diathesis & oksidor at flickr

balancing homemaking and ministry (5) my plans for 2009

There'll be a few changes next year! This year, I was so eager to take on new ministry opportunities as I left the baby years behind, that I over-committed myself.

This blog was a surprising new ministry. Add to that new writing opportunities, an unexpected chance to lead a young mum's Bible study, Sunday School classes, an unhealthy perfectionism which means I spend too long on things and find it hard to disappoint people, and some terms double- and triple-booked with seminars and writing tasks, and you can imagine it's been a little crazy!

Family and home are still my main priority, but some months I've given my kids less attention than I would have liked, I haven't supported good friends well, and the house has started to look neglected. I'm also a little tired and burnt-out. These are precious, brief years with my children, and I don't want to waste them!

I've made my plans for 2009 with greater prayer and care. For the first time (I say this with great embarrassment!) I've sought my husband's detailed input into my plans (yes, I do seek his advice regularly, but to my shame, I've never sat down with him and gone over the next year's plans in detail). I didn't commit to anything until he agreed with my priorities and said, "I think that sounds manageable". He's far more sensible than me about what I can and can't cope with!

Here's how the decision-making looked for me:

Heart-work
God has been convicting me about how I often seek praise from people rather than from him: a poor motivation for ministry! I've brought my heart to God, repented of pride, ambition and people-pleasing, and asked him to make me more like Christ.

I'm naturally a workaholic, which is sinful pride. I need to learn to say "no", to be disciplined about when to stop reading or writing (right now, in fact, as I edit this post!), and to take time off each week. I'm thinking of having a weekly computer-free day to devote myself without distraction to my family.

Time for home and ministry
Here's how I've planned my time:

Daily (pretty much in order of priorities)

• time with God in the early morning - I'm an early bird, but it takes discipline to devote that first, quiet hour to God when so much else is begging to be done!
• a couple of hours with Steve every evening - Our marriage needs to stay healthy, for it's the primary relationship (after God) in our lives and family.
• time for each of my 4 children - We eat, chat, learn and read the Bible together; I'm there when they get home from school; and they all know Mum is available for some one-on-one time each day - reading, chatting, doing jigsaws, cuddling!
• home tasks - Washing clothes, cooking, getting kids ready for school, driving the family taxi, etc.
• a nap in the early afternoon - These days, I need this to give me energy for my family during the afternoon and evening.
• a quiet hour in the early afternoon for blogging (This is where I'm at right now.)

Weekly (pretty much in order of the days)

• Monday, Wednesday - home duties. I've found I need 2 mornings to manage our home. Monday is for cleaning (a clean house is oddly important to my mental state - for my friend, it's cooking!) and Tuesday is for odd jobs (shopping, errands, budgetting, paperwork).
• Tuesday - a flexible morning for people. I pray with friends, have a coffee with neighbours or school mums, take Andrew to the park, or deal with unexpected responsibilities.
• Thursday, Friday - intensive ministry. Once I've cared for my home and caught up with friends, I have 2 mornings left for intensive ministries like writing or leading a Bible study.
• Saturdays and Sundays - family and church. Weekends are for outings, jobs around the house, teaching piano to the kids, cooking lunchbox fillers and meals to freeze, and church (and some time off!).

Monthly
One Friday a month, I put ministry aside and spend a quiet morning resting, reflecting and praying. This helps me stay on course spiritually, mentally and physically.

Ministry opportunities
Here's how I've planned my ministry:

Priority 1: help my husband in his ministry

• prayer - Most days, I pray for my husband's godliness, love and wisdom in his leadership of our marriage, family and ministry.
• hospitality - I get our home ready to welcome visitors for meetings and social events.
• using my skills - I edit our uni Christian group's newsletter 3 or 4 times a year - a job I don't enjoy but try to do cheerfully to help my husband! ;)
• ask! - I recently decided to ask Steve more often about how I can help him in his ministry (writing Christmas cards for our supporters came up - if you're one of them, tell me how I do!).

Priority 2: serve people in my church and reach out to my community

• friends and neighbours - I keep 1 morning a week free for people. I pray with friends, spend time socially with neighbours and school mums, and visit or mentor people.
• Sunday School - This is needed at our church, and it's also a way to teach my own children.
• young mums at our church - It's important to care first for the women God has placed in my circle, so I lead a Bible study on 1 of my 2 intensive ministry mornings.

Priority 3: the wider church and world.
I have most Fridays left for intensive ministry, although this is sometimes taken up with preparation for Bible study or Sunday School.

This is where I need to be very, very careful. I'm a dreamer, so I'm always making big plans. If I had my way (and if people would let me!) I'd be organising women's conferences, editing on-line magazines, and teaching lots of women's seminars. Wiser Christians have encouraged me to concentrate on writing.

I've agreed to one (I've learned through bitter experience to limit it to one!) extra writing /teaching project each term (Sunday School, seminar, article, EQUIP books). I'm learning to combine different responsibilities: to blog about what I'm preparing for Sunday School, or to teach the book I'm doing for EQUIP books in my Bible study.

So in this blog next year, you might find series on handling our thought-life (seminar), Hebrews (Sunday School), spiritual disciplines (last year's seminar) and mentoring women (article)! As God wills.

Well, I hope you've found these ramblings helpful. I know I'm exhausted, and I'll be glad to leave this topic for a while! As Sarah said, its' time to stop talking and start doing! You might want to tell us about your own ministry plans for next year in the comments today.

balancing homemaking and ministry (4) making a decision

What I'd like to do today is to give some practical suggestions about deciding how much ministry to do outside the home: nothing earth-shattering, just some ideas. I'll admit that many of these are taken from Lucy's helpful description of how she went about making her own decisions: thanks, Lucy!


1. Pray and do heart-work.
Here's some excellent questions to ask of every ministry opportunity, from Carolyn Mahaney's Feminine Appeal (p.105):

• What are my reasons for considering this opportunity? Are they selfish or God-honouring?
• Will pursuing this venture glorify God and honour the gospel?

In all our decisions, our heart's desire should be to love, serve and bring glory to Christ.

It's good to pray for wisdom, and for God to guide us through the clear directions of his Word, godly discernment, and the wise advice of other Christians (if you want to read more about how God guides, there's a wonderful chapter in JI Packer's Laid-Back Religion). Are we willing to obey God whatever he wants from us, or at least ask him to make us willing?

Our motives will never be pure, and we can't wait until they are to do ministry. But it's also important to know we're not pursuing ministry "out of selfish ambition and vain conceit" (Phil. 2:2): because we don't get much praise or recognition for working at home, or because we love the excitement and respect which comes from ministry. This is an area God has convicted me about recently.

2. Work out how much time you need to spend at home.
Easier said than done, I know! I loved Lucy's list, because it's so human: "Aim to have time to read stories, play games, talk, sing, tickle, chase and generally enjoy my kids every day." Like her, I aim to have relaxed time with God, my husband and each of my children every day, on top of home duties.

We all have different responsibilities: some are pregnant or looking after a young baby, or care every day for an autistic child, or are single mums who need to work. We might need to be home 1, 2, 3, 4 or even 5 week days out of 5, to keep on top of managing our homes and caring for our family. I find I need to devote 2-3 mornings a week to home tasks.

3. Allow flexibility and rest.
Yes, we are to work hard, to labour with love, and to use all our energy as we serve our families and advance the gospel (Prov 31:17; 1 Cor. 15:58; 1 Thess 1:3; Col 1:29-29). But God also made us to need rest: rest with him, rest with our families, rest alone; holidays, days off, quiet evenings.

It's sinful pride to think God can't run the world without us while we take the rest he's made us to need. If we ignore danger signals like sickness, exhaustion or depression, a nervous or health breakdown may bring us to a quick stop. Better to be wise, to learn to say "no", and to make time for the regular rest which is an act of trust in God (see CJ Mahaney on sleep).

It's important not to book up every moment - you never know when a child will get sick, or your husband will need help, or someone will drop in. We need room to breathe! I set aside 1 morning a week to pray with good friends, go out for coffee with a neighbour, drop in on someone, or fulfil the extra responsibilities that pop up.

If next year is one of transition for you and your husband (moving home, new job, kids leaving home) try to keep it particularly quiet and flexible, until you've seen what the next stage of life will look like for you. I've been encouraged not to take on any extra responsibilities the year all my kids go to school, and I wish I'd allowed a quieter year in 2008 as I adjusted to the post-baby years.

We also need to be prepared to drop our plans for emergencies (a health scare, a father with cancer), unexpected demands (interstate visitors seeking a place to stay, a friend needing extra support) and family celebrations (an engagement, a pregnancy). Often, the burdens and joys of these fall on us, as wives and mothers. A friend of mine with grown children has learned to work in ministry one less day a week to allow for regular and unexpected family responsibilities.

4. See how much time you have left.
Can I stress again that this will be different for each of us? We all have different situations, personalities, health levels, needs for sleep and rest, husbands, children, gifts and preferences. Some of us live away from family, others have mums who look after our children regularly. Some are introverts who need time alone, other extroverts who are energised by time with people. Some have husbands who want to talk things through with us each evening, others have husbands who encourage us to minister independently. It's so important not to compare ourselves with other women!


5. List the possible ministries you could be involved in.
Here's some questions I ask myself, in order of importance:

• How can I help my husband better in his life and ministry?
• How can I serve more faithfully in my church?
• What do the women and children in my church need? Can I help meet these needs, or look after another woman's children while she meets them?
• How can I help our family reach out to the people in our community - neighbours, kinder and school mums, school children, work colleagues?
• What needs do I see in God's wider church and world which I can help with?
• What ministries are other Christians encouraging me to do?
• What ministries am I gifted in, or do I have a burden for (notice this comes way down the list, after considering need!)?

6. Figure out which ministries are suited to your family and situation.
I do less hospitality of the "having people over for dinner" variety than I would like, because my husband is an introvert who spends all day with people during his ministry job, so needs home to be a quiet place of rest. I stopped taking my children to play-group to reach out to mums, because they were clingy and miserable. On the other hand, my young boys aren't always impressed when I write for an hour each day, which is a cost I've carefully considered, and which may even benefit them as they learn to be independent. Lucy has her own list here.

7. Talk to your husband, and to friends and advisers.
Of course, this will be happening every step of the way, but if we haven't done it already, now is the time to lay our plans before our husbands, seek their advice, and follow their leadership. We need to do this prayerfully, willingly and cheerfully, ready to change our plans if necessary, remembering that God is in control of our marriages and our lives!

God has also placed us in a wider Christian family. We should never make important decisions without seeking the advice and input of honest friends who know us well, or godly Christians who can advise us wisely from God's word. Impressions or burdens about the ministries we feel God has placed on our heart need particular testing - we may be misguided! Others will often see things more clearly than us.

8. Trust God.
We make plans, but we're not in control of our lives. "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps" (Prov 16:9). We have no idea what God has in store for us next year. It may be that he presents us with challenges we're not expecting, and that much of our ministry has to be laid aside. "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that" (Jam 4:15). We are in his hands, which is the best place to be.

I'm thinking about sharing my own decisions about ministry for 2009 in my next post - not sure if I'll bore you or not! - and then that's (more than) enough from me!

images are from stock.xchng

balancing homemaking and ministry (3) questions, questions, questions

I'm starting to feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew with the question of balancing ministry inside and outside the home. With so many wonderful comments from thoughtful and godly women, who have brought up issues I didn't even think of, I'm left with as many questions as answers!

Here are some of the questions you have raised, and some (very) tentative answers from me, which you should feel absolutely free to question!

Is our "first priority" as wives and mums to "meet the needs" of our homes and family? (see here and comments here)
Yes and no. Our "first priority" is always to glorify God and advance the gospel. But if we're wives and mothers, the primary sphere in which we carry out this wider kingdom responsibility is our homes. God calls us to help our husbands, to manage our homes, and to love and train our children, as well as to good deeds, often from the basis of our home (1 Tim 5:9-15; Tit 2:3-5; Prov 31:10-31).

As we work in and from our homes, we're advancing God's kingdom immeasurably, for we're helping Christian husbands in (paid or unpaid) ministry, reaching out to non-Christian husbands, training our children to live as Christians and share the gospel, using our homes and families as a base for ministry, and commending the gospel by our lives. Our families are part of a bigger family, our homes part of a wider world.

Is it helpful to say "until" a woman has cared for the needs of her home, she has no right to tend to outside needs? (see comments here)
Yes and no. It is possible to fail in our responsibilities as a wife and mother for the sake of outside ministry. The grandmother of one of my good friends was out every afternoon and evening leading ministries at her church, and was rarely there for her children: none of them became Christians. This is a temptation for those of us who are activists - like me! - who love to write, teach, and lead groups. If your husband is not cared for, your house is always a mess, and your children are neglected, you may need to do less outside ministry so you can serve Christ at home (cf. 1 Tim 5:8).

But this should never be an excuse for home idolatry. Many of us have the opposite temptation: we delight in the security of home-life, we're frightened of ministry, or we're obsessed with a clean and well-ordered house. If any of these are our temptations, the "until" message is not the one we need to hear! We need to be reminded, as Nicole says here, that we live in the last days, and time is short: "The life we are called to is not a peacetime lifestyle. The gospel is meant to be taken out to the world, as well as passed on to our children."

Should outside ministry ever be done to the cost of home and family?
Here I insert a resounding "Yes!" My friend and her husband have just returned to an insecure and unsafe country as missionaries, even though their young son was very ill last time they were there, because they are driven by the need of the world for the gospel.

Another friend, also a faithful and attentive mother, leads a Bible study for young mums every Friday morning, even though her 5 year old doesn't enjoy going to creche, because it's an important ministry which would fail without her.

My friend with two grown sons worked as a cleaner so her young boys could be with her, even though she was trained for a higher paid career, to give them continuity of care while her husband was away for weeks at a time in pioneering university ministry. These are all good examples of managing the cost of ministry.


Is this really a "cost"?
Yes and no. Does it hurt our children if they have less toys and clothes, or a second-class education, because their Daddy is in a low-paid ministry job? What if their Daddy loses his life because he has faithfully preached the gospel in a country where Christians are tortured and killed for their faith? In temporal terms, our children may lose much, perhaps an immense amount, but eternally, we pray that they will be encouraged to put Christ first and live for him.

It's good for our children to share in costly hospitality, to help us reach out to our neighbours, or to occasionally have less of Mum's attention because she's preparing a Sunday School lesson. God calls us to love Jesus more than our children, but in doing so, we are actually loving our children. Not if we neglect them (for God never calls us to do this) but if they share the cost of kingdom service with us.

Should all our ministries "bless" our families?
Yes and no (again!). As wives, mums and homemakers, we rightly emphasise ministries we do with and for our families. But some ministries may not directly "bless" our families (except in the sense of showing our children how to serve Christ) but may still fit into our lives during certain seasons. It concerns me that we are sometimes encouraged to ask whether a certain ministry "helps" our husband or "enhances and enriches" our family (e.g. in the mostly helpful list in Carolyn Mahaney's Feminine Appeal p.105). Some ministries will directly bless our families, others won't, but this doesn't mean they are always inappropriate.

What kinds of ministries are suitable for wives, mums and homemakers?
It's become clear from our discussion that there are 3 main kinds of ministries we may do.

• Ministries which help our husband. For a minister's wife, this might mean lots of hospitality and jobs around the church; for a missionary, inviting women from another culture into her home; for a couple in secular work, reaching out together to church and community.
• Ministries we do in our homes or with our families (missional motherhood). I think we've all agreed these lead naturally out of our responsibilities as wives, homemakers and mothers, but we may still need to limit how much we do them (e.g. if it means preserving some time to be alone with our husbands or children).
• Ministries done away from our homes (e.g. teaching women) or families (e.g.blogging!). It's ok for these to be done at some cost to our families, for the sake of the gospel and the wider church, as long as our husbands are willing and supportive, but we may need to do less so we don't neglect our families.

I pray that God will give each of us wisdom as we love and serve our families, and reach out to others.

I'm painfully aware that I've only skimmed the surface of all your (and my!) questions and discussions! I'd love to talk more about these issues, but if I did, I'd be neglecting my own family, so I think I'd better wait for another day - which will be a relief given the length of this post! My new computer's not talking to the internet yet, so you may have to wait a few days; but I'd like to discuss how to figure out the balance in practice (clue: I'll be drawing on Lucy's post).