CS Lewis on ambition

I just read this in a letter by CS Lewis. If there's anything in you that longs for success or recognition or  admiration - in fact, if there's anything in you that is tempted to value anything more highly than God (and surely that's all of us!) - then this is for you.

From the age of sixteen onwards I had one single ambition (becoming a successful writer), from which I never wavered, in the prosecution of which I spent every ounce I could, on which I really and deliberately staked my whole con­tentment: and I recognise myself as having unmistakably failed in it. I feel that I have some right to talk to you as a man in the same boat.

The side of me which longs, not to write, for no one can stop us doing that, but to be approved as a writer, is not the side of us that is really worth much. And depend upon it, unless God has abandoned us, he will find means to cauterise that side somehow or other. If we can take the pain well and truly now and by it forever the wish to be dis­tinguished beyond our fellows.

And honestly, the being cured, with all the pain, has pleasure too: one creeps home, tired and bruised into a state of mind that is really restful, when all one’s ambitions have been given up. Then one can really say for the first time, “Thy Kingdom come.” For in that Kingdom there will be no pre-eminences and a man must have reached the stage of not caring two straws about his own status before he can enter it.

Think how difficult that would be if one succeeded as a writer: how bitter this necessary purgation at the age of sixty, when literary success had made your whole life and you had then got to begin to go through the stage of seeing it all as dust and ashes. Perhaps God has been specially kind to us in forcing us to get over it at the beginning.

At all events, whether we like it or not, we have got to take the shock. As you know so well, we have got to die. Cry, kick, swear, we may: only to come in the end and die far more painfully and later.

I would have given almost anything—I shudder to think what I would have given if I had been allowed—to be a successful writer. I am writing as I do simply and solely because I think the only thing for you to do is absolutely to kill the part of you that wants success.

CS Lewis They Stand Together: The Letters of CS Lewis to Arthur Greeves 379-340

God’s gifts in suffering (5) Suffering shows us what we truly fear to lose

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6-7)

I’ve been listening to my fears. I’ve been imagining dire possibilities. Every medical article, every story of hardship, every description of suffering, seems a pointer to our future, a list of what-might-be. There are times when I lie face down on the carpet, sick to the gut, held down by a blank, black dread. I knew that I would cry, but fear? It seems a strange accompaniment to sorrow.

I don’t feel safe anymore. I think it works like this: in suffering, one of the things you most feared has come to you. And if it has, there’s no longer any guarantee that such-and-such won’t happen. That so-and-so won’t be taken away. Life has been shaken to its roots, your comfortable expectations scattered like fallen fruit.

There’s a moment I remember clearly. I’m standing at the end of the hallway, holding my baby son, cocooned in wraps and ready for bed. I gaze at his face, soft and crumpled with newness, and suddenly all that he might become, all the glowing possibilities, flash before my eyes. There is a world of potential futures in this tiny bundle.

Chronic illness has stolen so much from us, things most parents take for granted, school days and childhood play and time with friends. It has the potential to take away so much more. Once I lived with the comfortable illusion that my decisions and carefully protected goodness could control the outcome. Now I know how vulnerable we are, how easily the things we hold can be taken away, and I am afraid.

Look closely at your fears, and you’ll see the mirror-image of your idols, what you count as happiness, what you hold most tightly. The things we think we can’t live without: security, success, control, peace, usefulness, happiness. The places we look for them: family, money, health, career, friendship, children, marriage. Suffering threatens and thus reveals the things we trust in. It loosens our grip and invites us to cling to God instead.

My son is now twelve years old. I’m standing on a bridge alone, and hoping to stay that way. People pass, but I keep my back to them, hiding my face. I lean on the rail and my tears drop into the river. They travel downstream with the twigs and the bubbles and the little eddies around the stones. Once again, my dreams for my son’s future flash before my eyes, but this time I take each one, let it fall, and watch it float away until it’s lost to view around the bend.

It feels hard but good, this giving up, this letting go. My dreams belong where all dreams belong, in the hands of God. My fears belong there too (1 Pet 5:6-7). My future – our family’s future – is in his hands. The things I think God owes me were never mine to begin with. The things I thought I could hold on to were never under my control.

I’d like some guarantees: this much, and no more. Instead, what I have is this: the assurance that a sovereign God has ordained every one of our days, that nothing else counts compared to knowing him, that what matters is not our comfort, but his glory. It’s not a convenient knowledge. It’s not easily come by. But I choose to believe that it’s enough.

And as I choose to believe, here in the dark, he opens his heart to me. The one who gave up his Son for us is tender and generous in his love, not capricious or cruel. He rejoices over his people with singing (Zeph 3:17). Our names are written on his hands (Isa 49:16). He shelters us under his wings (Ps 91:4). We are never out of his thoughts.1 I begin to know – I’m just at the beginning of knowing – that, whatever happens, we are safe here with him.


1. A few books bring this home to me: JI Packer’s Knowing God, particularly this quote; Cs Lewis’ “He’s not safe, but he’s good”, from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe; and Ed Welch’s reminder of “God’s generosity and attention to detail” in Running Scared (p. 109). ↩

be happy in God, O my heart

Be happy in God, O my heart, and in nothing but God,
for whatever a man trusts in,
from that he expects happiness.

He who is the ground of thy faith
should be the substance of thy joy.

Whence then comes heaviness and dejection,
when joy is sown in thee,
promised by the Father,
bestowed by the Son,
inwrought by the Holy Spirit,
thine by grace,
thy birthright in believing? ...

Look not below God for happiness;
fall not asleep in Delilah’s lap.

Let God be all in all to thee,
and joy in the fountain that is always full.


From The Valley of Vision, quoted by Georgianne.

what I'm reading: when you love something more than God

I was sitting in my favourite cafe, reading Tim Keller's King's Cross, when I came across one of those passages that picks you apart at the very core:

When you are in spiritual darkness, although you may feel your life is headed in the right direction, you are actually profoundly disoriented.

If anything but God is more important to you, you have a problem with direction. It's impossible to discern where you're going, let alone where you ought to be going. Money, career, love - for a period of time you may feel you have something to live for. But if you actually get the thing you have been seeking, you suddenly realize that it's not big enough for your soul. It doesn't produce its own light.

Also, if you centre on anything but God, you suffer a loss of identity. Your identity will be fragile and insecure, because it's based on the things you centre your life on. It's based on human approval. It's based on how well you perform. You don't really know who you are. In the darkness you can't see yourself.

Moreover, in spiritual darkness you are isolated. You are wrapped up in the things that you're living for, so you're always scared or angry or proud or driven or full of self-pity. As a result, you become isolated from other people. ...

Let me illustrate this personally .... If my preaching and ministry are my ultimate centre and I get criticism, then I'm overcome with insecurity. Or when I fail to perform up to my expectations, I'm devastated. Inordinate guilt churns inside me. In the end I begin to disintegrate. ...

Spiritual darkness - turning away from God, the true light, and making anything more important than him - leads invariably from disorientation to disintegration ... But that trajectory won't stop at the end of our lives ... Being out of the presence of God, who is all light and all truth, means utter darkness and eternal disintegration ...

Jesus' death happened in the dark ... Jesus, the Maker of the world, was being unmade. Jesus was experiencing our judgement day.

Tim Keller, King's Cross, pp. 200-205, bold print mine.

God, I'll do anything, if...

"I'll do anything, Lord, if you just keep me from drowning. Tell me what to do."

That's the prayer of fear-based religion. For many people, that's their view of God. That's how they pray: "Lord, I'll do anything if...". Good people. People in church. Sincere people. "Lord, I'll do anything if you give me this career. Anything if you give me this relationship."

The trouble is that if you pray "Lord, I'll do anything if", you can't do the one thing God wants you to do, which is to love him without any "ifs".

You see, when you pray "Lord, I'll do anything if...", what's on the other side of that? It's your real God. It's what you really look to for security, for significance, for meaning, for hope, for joy. You're trying to use God as a means to that end.

But God will not a means to some other idol. Relationship with God is not a means, but the end we use our means to work towards. God himself is our end.

John Hudson, from his talk on Jonah 1 (you can find it here)

two love stories - or three

'Every adult life is defined by two great love stories,' writes author and philosopher Alain de Botton. On the one hand, there is our well-charted quest for romantic love, and on the other, our quest for love from the world ('a more secret and shameful tale'). In his book Status Anxiety, de Botton argues this second love story 'is no less intense than the first...and its setbacks are no less painful.'

It's an intriguing idea, and one that has stuck in my head like a burr since I read it in a magazine article earlier this year. Because it's true, isn't it?

Our first quest is to be loved by someone, to be chosen by them above all others, and to choose them in return. With this love, we hope, will come all the trappings: family, security, home. In this small circle it matters supremely what others think of us.

Our second quest is to be loved or respected by others: by the whole crowd of anonymous strangers. We pass them in the street and wonder what impression we're making. We sit next to them on the train and hope they admire our choice of reading material. We push our trolley past them in the supermarket and stage a happy-family-performance just for them.

Perhaps we want fame, success, a name that's recognized. Perhaps we'd settle for the admiration of a smaller group: our co-workers at the office, the wider Christian community, the people in our church. If we win their respect, we've succeeded. If we fail in their eyes, we've failed indeed.

There is a third quest: another love story. It's not mentioned in the article I read, for when it comes to this love we are blind (2 Corinthians 4:4). In this story, we're not the ones who seek: we're the ones who are sought, pursued from heaven to earth by a lover who laid down his life to win his bride. Paradoxically, although we haven't sought this love, it alone can satisfy (Psalm 16:11).

When I devote my life to the first two love stories - to the quest for romantic love and the love of the world - I'm left empty, for human love is fallible and fading, and the world's opinion shifts and changes. Worse, I'm an adulterer, turning to other lovers to give me what only God can give, giving them the devotion and service that belong to him. (Jeremiah 2:12-13; James 4:4-5)

To people-pleasers like me, so quick to seek the glory of the world rather than the glory that comes from God (John 12:43), Jesus says,

I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him! (Luke 12:4-5)

There's only one whose opinion matters, and that's the God whose Son died in my place. It's before his judgement seat that I stand or fall. And he is able to make me stand, for Jesus rose from the dead, speaks for me before his throne, and will one day gather me - and all who live for him - to himself (Romans 14:4; 1 John 2:1; Rev 19:6-9).

Who cares what others think of me? It's God I seek to please. It's his praise I long for, not the praise of men (Romans 2:29). It's from him I want to hear the words, 'Well done, good and faithful servant' (Matthew 25:23).

I have to remind myself of this a dozen times a day, people-pleaser that I am.


1. From Candice Chung's article Finding success later in life in Sunday Life magazine, July 10th, 2011.

This article first appeared in The Briefing today.

image is by kelsey_lovefusionphoto
from flickr

5 books that changed who I am (5) late 30s

As I continue with this meme about books that have changed me, it seems appropriate to mention a book about change...

(5) late 30s - change and grace
Thirty-five, still battling perfectionism, and still struggling to obey God from a legalistic heart. Increasingly, I felt fearful and on edge; I was battling mild depression; I was struggling with people-pleasing and ambition; and my anxious busyness had driven me to the edge of burnout. So many books helped me through this time; but one (besides the Bible) stands head and shoulders above the rest. Yep, you guessed it...

Tim Chester's You Can Change brought me to the foot of the cross, giving me a new joy in God's grace and a new motivation to change. He showed me my heart - the idols of people-pleasing and perfection, and the false beliefs that caused my anxiety and discouragement - and helped me to turn to God's glory and grace. So much heart-change in one book! You may remember that I blogged through it here.

Runners up: Martyn Lloyd Jones Spiritual Depression, Tim Chester The Busy Christian's Guide to Busyness (which I blogged through here), John Piper When I Don't Desire God, Elyse Fitzpatrick Overcoming Fear, Worry and Anxiety, Paul Tripp Lost in the Middle, and anything and everything by Ed Welch, particularly Lost in the Middle: Midlife and the Grace of God, which I'd recommend to anyone of any age.

Which books have helped you to change? Tell us here.

the idols of a parent

There’s nothing like parenting to reveal your true values.

My 12-year-old daughter started secondary school this year. It’s an anxious time for any parent. Your mind fills with questions: will she settle well into her new school? How will she cope with the extra homework? Will she make good friends? Will she make any friends?

During the first few months of the school year, I found myself passionately wanting the oddest things (and talking about them passionately to my husband, who will confirm that I became just a tad neurotic). It seems I want my daughter to:

• be popular (I want people to like her) but not too popular (I don't want her to be overly influenced by her peers)


• get all her work done, on time, to a high standard (I don't want her - or, more tellingly, me - to lose face)


• dress trendily (I don't want her to look daggy) but not too trendily (I don't want her to be a fashion victim)


• be friendly to the unpopular kids (I want her to be kind) but not too friendly (I don't want her to be unpopular by association)


• keep to a high(ish) standard in her piano practice (I want her to be accomplished, but I'm not one of those pushy mothers)


• be upfront about her faith (I want her to stand up for Jesus) but not too upfront (I don't want the other kids to think she's weird)


• be happy at school (I don't want her to be unhappy) but no so happy that she hates being at home (I want her to love me as much as ever)


• go to church even when it’s not fun (I want her to learn to serve) but also to have fun there (I don’t want her to hate church)1

Sorry about all the double negatives; but the truth is, there are a lot of bad(?) things I don’t want for her. Especially, it seems, unpopularity (probably because I was a bit of a dag myself, and hated it; like most parents, I visit my own disappointments on my children).

These desires lead to all kinds of strange behaviour. Like constant, nagging reminders about homework and music practice. Like asking my daughter if she needs more fashionable clothes (gulp!) and exploring the trendy teen stores a week before she goes to camp. Like frequent, irritating questions about her friendships. Like talking a lot, in front of her, about whether our church serves her needs.

After all this, there’s no doubt in either of our minds about what matters to me.

So what matters to me? What am I communicating to my daughter are the significant things in life? It seems these things are far more important to me than I realized:

• popularity


• trendiness (where did that come from?!)


• academic success


• impressing people


• achievement


• happiness


• having your needs met.

Some of these goals look innocent enough. Who wouldn’t want happiness and academic success for their children? But without me noticing, these goals grow bigger than God. I worry and nag. I spend more than I should (and teach my daughter to do the same). I get angry and impatient. I talk about things that don’t matter. I try to shape my daughter to my desires. Our relationship, predictably enough, suffers; and her godliness suffers too.

Acceptance. Achievement. A good education. What I want for my children, I want for me.

As so often in parenting, it’s time for repentance. It’s time to confess my idolatry to my daughter. It’s time for some honest conversations about what really matters: serving rather than being served, valuing inner more than outer beauty, caring for others even if you lose face, choosing friends wisely, pursuing godliness over success, and standing up for Jesus even when it makes you unpopular.


1. When my daughter was younger the idols were a little different: the approval of parenting experts, a child whose behavior impresses others, an ‘educational’ toy collection – just to name a few. (And a good night's sleep, of course.)

This post first appeared on The Briefing today.

image is by mermay19 from flickr

busyness, burnout and the grace of God (11b) burnout

Here's the second half of my story of burnout.

December 2009. Summer holidays have begun, and I'm jogging. Pounding the beach, praying, tears streaming down my face. I never jog, but I run to escape the weight I'm carrying. I feel like a soldier training with a weighted pack - only in my pack is the despondency I can't shake, heavier than ever now the year's busyness has ended.

Early January, 2010. The summer holidays drag on, and I keep despondency at bay by taking the kids on outings and decluttering the house; but it's there, like a black pit, the moment I stop moving. I'm tired of this. I feel so weak, so useless. Why can't I do it all like other women? Why am I not strong enough?

January, 2010. I write in my journal, "I hate feeling like this. I won't deny it. I'd love to feel strong again - to feel joyous and energised and engaged. But it's when these things are taken away - the pride, the enthusiasm, the self-reliance - when all that is left is God and me, and I am weak and wrung out, like a floppy dishrag that's been used one too many times - that I realise my smallness and my need."

Late January, 2010. Steve gives me a day off, and I go to a local park and sit in my favourite cafe. All the discouragement and fear and self-doubt pour out in pages and pages of unreadable black scrawl. And then I pick up my Bible and read, "'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" (2 Cor 12:9). I'm not strong, I'm weak: but God's treasure is in this jar of clay (2 Cor 4:7).

February, 2010. My feelings don't change until I talk to my friend, who has far more experience of depression than I do. She speaks 9 simple words: "You will feel excited about things again one day." Oddly, that's all I need to hear. It seems that just a whisper of hope is enough. I'm still uncertain of what I'm feeling, but from this point on, I'm no longer drowning.

March 2010. It's not easy to learn to learn to live without an idol; but I'm starting to realise that God's grace is here, waiting, on the other side. I write, "When depression is a reaction to loss, it has stages and an end. You have to let it run its course and have the courage to face the things it throws up at you."

God's grace meets me in the place where dreams die. His severe mercy has brought me to the end of myself, driving me to repentance and into the heart of his grace. Here, what I do doesn't give me meaning, only what he does for me.

image is by Jim Blob Blann from flickr

busyness, burnout and the grace of God (11a) burnout

I've told you about my 3 years of increasing busyness, as I took on every ministry opportunity I could. Today and tomorrow, I'd like to share with you what happened next.

Both roads - stress and burnout - lead ultimately to depression. The depression that comes from stress is due to the exhaustion of the adrenal system. On the other hand, the depression that comes from burnout is the loss of your vision, of your ideals.

8th July 2009. I'm leading a seminar at a women's conference. My friends advised me not to take this on after a crazily busy term, but I did it anyway. At the end of the conference I'm offered a fantastic ministry opportunity. I write in my journal, "It's the dream come true, the recognition I seek, the bigger stage. It's terrifying and exhilarating." I say 'yes', because how can I say 'no'?

9th July 2009. At 5.30 pm the day after the conference, the bottom drops out of my world. A 24 hour adrenalin high gives way to a deep low. This is normal. What isn't normal is the 2 months of despondency that follow. Every step - every smile - feels weighted. I write, "I'm longing for rest. I don't seem to be able to stop and get off this crazy ride."

Early August 2009. Instead of feeling excited about the fulfilment of my ministry ambitions, all I feel is dread. In my journal, I pray, "Thank you for the emptiness ... Thank you for reminding me that the idol I've set my heart on and schemed and worked so hard for is hollow and empty and can't deliver on its promises. ... You've stuffed me full and said, 'See!'"

Late August 2009. I go to a seminar on burnout, and the symptoms sound all too familiar: I'm drained, unenthused and distant from relationships. The solution, apparently, is to pull out of things and take some time to rest; so that's what I do. I cancel several ministry engagements - including the ministry opportunity I was so excited about - at some cost to my pride, and face a term with less things in it.

September 2009. It's odd how empty I feel. Relieved, yes, but empty. "Weariness. The blank nothingness that we call 'feeling flat'. Exhaustion. Disengagement." Without my busy plans for ministry, I'm living without a safety net. I've lost my dreams, my confidence, my sense of worth. Drained of enthusiasm, I'm unfamiliar to myself. If depression is a normal reaction to loss, then I'm living it.

October 2009. Earlier this year, I read the story of a middle-aged man who found that a red Ferrari didn't bring the happiness he longed for. Well, duh! But it lead to my own "duh!" moment: isn't ministry achievement just an idol painted in socially acceptable colours? In some ways, it's worse, because I'm taking something meant for God's glory and twisting it so it's about me.

November 2009. It's a busy month (I'm writing for Equip book club and Christmas is approaching) and, in the busyness, I manage to distance myself from the way I'm feeling - for a while.

Tomorrow: what happened next.

images are by LunaDiRimmel and -JosephB- from flickr

Romans 12:1-2 (4) how far will you go?

This is the final part of a 4-part summary of Steve Chong's talk on Romans 12:1-2, which God used to change my heart.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Rom 12:1-2

We've seen that serving is our response to God's mercy.

Serving begins with getting my heart right before God. It begins with
1. getting my body ready ("offer your bodies as living sacrifices")
2. getting my heart ready ("be transformed by the renewing of your mind").

The temptation in Christian ministy is to want to climb the Christian corporate ladder: ordinary Christian to youth leader to theology college to full-time paid gospel worker (or whatever the ladder is for you). Our goal is to reach the top.

But the point is not to becomes a gospel worker (or a speaker, or a writer, or a blogger, or a small group leader, or even a respected older woman). The point is to serve God.

When we meet him, Jesus won't say, "Well done, good and faithful gospel worker". He'll say, "Well done, good and faithful servant".

Our example is the Son of Man, who came not to be served, but to serve and give his life as a ransom for many (Mk 10:45). Who said, "Not what I will, but what you will" (Mk 14:36). Who lived to please his Father.

How far will you go?

If I went back to bedrock and asked, "How can I be a living sacrifice? How can I serve? How can I please You?", how would it change my life? What would I give up? What would I do? These are the questions I've been asking myself.

Blogging is a good thing; but what if it's not the best thing? What if I could better serve Jesus another way? It's hard to see clearly when you're in the middle of it! Which is one reason I'm taking a break next year: to reflect on what God wants from me.

I've realised that, yes, I can give up blogging if I should be using this time and energy for something else. It's a ridiculously freeing realisation. I may well come back to blogging; but at least I'm not holding it tightly, unable to let go.

What are you holding on to?

Romans 12:1-2 (3) renewed in my mind

Have you ever wanted to know God's will for your life? I've been wondering what God wants from me. How can I best serve him?

Here's the starting point to knowing God's will - and part 3 of my 4-part summary of Steve Chong's talk on Romans 12:1-2.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1-2

We've seen that serving is our response to God's mercy.

It begins with
1. getting my body ready ("offer your bodies as living sacrifices")
2. getting my mind ready ("be transformed by the renewing of your mind").

Today we're looking at 2.

"be transformed by the renewing of your mind"

Our job is to have our minds renewed daily. It's not us doing the renewing - it's something God does in and for us.

Why? So we may be able to discern the will of God. So we can see what God wants from our lives.

How good is your eyesight in discerning what God wants from your life? If you can't discern his will, maybe there's a problem with your mind.

Here's God's will (drumroll, please) ..............
........he wants you - all of you - for him!

If you're not ready to have all of you used up for God, don't start serving. Get your mind and body ready.

At this point in the talk I pricked up my ears. I was reminded of James 1:5-7 & 4:1-9, which tells us to ask for wisdom, but warns us that God only gives wisdom to the one who's single-minded. If we're double-minded, we're to repent of our idolatry.

You may remember how this talk came in answer to my prayer for single-mindedness. Only when we're single-minded - only when we're prepared to give up everything for Jesus - will we have the wisdom to discern what he wants from us.

Of course, this isn't an on/off switch, for we're never completely single-hearted during this life. If we could only serve God once our motives were 100% pure, none of us could serve.

Still, it's true that it's impossible to serve God wholeheartedly when your heart is captured by something else. The more willing I am to give up everything, the clearer my vision will be, and the better I'll know what God wants from me.

Where those reflections led me, I'll tell you next time...

This is a summary of part of a talk given by Steve Chong at MTS Challenge Victoria.

image is from stock.xchng

Romans 12:1-2 (2) a living sacrifice

Here's part 2 of Steve Chong's talk on Romans 12:1-2, a talk that God used to change my heart. You can read part 1 here.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Rom 12:1-2

We've seen that serving is our response to God's mercy.

Serving begins with getting my heart right before God. It begins with
1. getting my body ready ("offer your bodies as living sacrifices")
2. getting my mind ready ("be transformed by the renewing of your mind.")

Let's start with 1.

"offer your bodies as living sacrifices"

"Living sacrifice". We've heard the words so often we don't even hear them. We water down "sacrifice" until it means missing a favourite TV show to go to a Bible study. But sacrifice is about a bloody, dead lamb on an altar. We are the "living slaughtered", our lives used up for the pleasure of God.

The problem with a living sacrifice is that it keeps crawling off the altar.

We say to God, "Yes, Lord, take me, take all of me.........but not......... ______________."

What do you finish the sentence with? What's your disclaimer, your caveat? That's what's stopping you from serving God with all your heart.

We all signed up for this. Have we forgotten?

I went home and finished the sentence. It was ridiculously easy to come up with 5 things that keep me from serving God whole-heartedly, and I'm sure there's more:
1. comfort
2. good standing with non-Christians
3. my children's happiness
4. the good opinion of Christians
5. the right to complain (!).

What's holding you back from being a living sacrifice?

This is a summary of part of a talk given by Steve Chong at MTS Challenge Victoria.

images is from stock.xchng

The Busy Christian's Guide to Busyness: book review

I've been thinking a lot about busyness (which won't surprise you if you've been reading this blog recently!). The last 2 years have been unusually busy, even for this mother of 4, and I've been feeling stressed and overwhelmed.

As always, I'm convinced that the solution must lie between the pages of a book. So I was excited when I came across The Busy Christian's Guide to Busyness by Tim Chester, one of my favourite authors.

Tim Chester says that both work and leisure are worshipped in our society (take your pick depending on whether you tend towards workaholism or laziness!). We're driven people, because we find meaning through work. But our meaning doesn't come from work or rest. God wants us to work hard, but also to take regular days of rest. Neither work nor rest is an end in itself: both are for God's glory.

What I love best about The Busy Christian's Guide to Busyness is that, like all Tim Chester's books, it gets below surface issues to what's going on in our hearts. Yes, he does talk about time-management (briefly) and about distinguishing the urgent from the important (although he gives this a gospel spin). But his main point is that over-busyness comes from our hearts: from the lies we believe and the idols we serve.

Here are Tim Chester's "four key steps to addressing busyness", from least to most important.

Step One: Use your time efficiently. There's some good time-management principles in chapter 3.

Step Two: Sort out your priorities. I often feel like I'll never get everything done. So I was encouraged by Chester's reminder in chapter 4 that both Jesus and Paul finished their work, not because they healed or taught everyone, but because they were faithful to the work God gave them to do. The work God gives us to do is to make Jesus known. Instead of giving God our leftover time, Chester shows how to structure our lives around this central priority.

Step Three: Glorify God all the time. Life is often a battle between competing responsibilities: family, friends, church, non-Christian neighbours, work, ministry. That's partly because, Chester says, we see ministry as an added extra we need to fit into our lives. But every aspect of life, including work and raising a family, is about glorifying God by making Christ known. Ordinary life is ministry! (There's an excellent theology of work and motherhood in chapter 5.)

Step Four: Identify the desires of your heart that make you try to do more than God expects of you. Busyness isn't the problem: the problem is my heart. God always gives me enough time to do what he wants me to do. I feel stressed because I try to do more (perhaps just a little more!) than I have time for. And why do I try to do more than God wants, more than I can? Maybe because I'm a slave to one of these idols:

• I'm busy because I need to prove myself. I often find my identity through what I do and achieve. But when Jesus died for me, he freed me from the need to work to justify myself and give my life meaning. I can rest in his grace.
• I'm busy because of other people's expectations. I'm guilty of this. I don't want to disappoint people, so I say "yes" when I should say "no". The solution, of course, is to fear God more than I fear people: to do everything for an audience of One.
• I'm busy because otherwise things get out of control. I'm prone to two versions of this. I feel like life might spiral out of control if I don't work constantly; and I'm driven by the idea that people need me. It's God who controls my life and meets people's needs, not me.
• I'm busy because I prefer being under pressure. This was something I was blissfully unaware of until I read this book: that work can be an escape from the chaos of life and relationships! When I run to work for comfort, I'm forgetting that God is my refuge.
• I'm busy because I need the money. I don't make any money from my busyness! But I was still challenged by Chester's helpful discussion of consumerism, and his encouragement to "downsize".
• I'm busy because I want to make the most of life. I'm haunted by the fear that I'll run out of time to do all I want to do. But I don't need to race around doing everything during this short life: I can put my hope in eternity. My significance comes not from my life's achievements, but from being part of God's saving plan.

Life is busy, and no book will change that - nor should it! God wants me to pour myself out, to work hard for him and his kingdom (Phil 2:17, 2 Thess 3:8-9). But when I've done what I can, God wants me to stop and rest in him. I can be free from the frenetic over-busyness that comes from pursuing idols like control and achievement. For in the end it's not about how busy I am, but about my heart:

Neither doing more nor doing less is really the answer. ... If I'm busy because I feel the pressure to prove myself, neither doing more nor doing less will help. ... Only the truth sets us free. ... Christians should be busy people. ... But we can find rest in our busyness and joy in our labour. We are busy, but we can be free from the drivenness that makes busyness a burden.

Amen.

images are from drinksmachine and Stephen Poff at flickr

what I'm reading: the heart of busyness from Tim Chester's The Busy Christian's Guide to Busyness

The book which has done most to help me unpack my busyness - why I get too busy, how to tell if I'm too busy, and what to do about my busyness - is Tim Chester's The Busy Christian's Guide to Busyness (reviewed by Nicole here).

The most helpful thing Tim Chester does in his book is to talk about the why of busyness: the lies we believe which make us overly busy. Here's what he says about busyness, how to tell if it's a problem, and how over-busyness reveals our hearts.

There's nothing wrong with being busy. The truth is most of us like being busy ... Busyness itself is not a problem. In anybody's life there will be periods of intense activity. The problem comes when we are persistently over-busy. If you life doesn't reflect the biblical pattern of work and rest then something is wrong ...

If God doesn't expect me to do more than I can, the key question to ask ourselves is: Why am I trying to do more than I can? ...

I want to suggest that much, perhaps most, of the pressure to be busy comes from within. ... At the heart of our busyness is our heart. We're busy because we're working hard to meet the desires of our hearts. ...

Think about what that might mean for your busyness. Do you ever think your busyness is inevitable, unavoidable or appropriate? I want to suggest that it may be none of those things. It may be that your heart is deceiving you. ...

The test you need to apply to your busyness is this: if it produces bad fruit then it reflects the evil desires of your heart. ... If your health, marriage, friendships, Christian service or relationship with God is suffering because of your busyness then you need to address the idols in your life. You need to identify the desires of your heart that make you try to do more than God expects of you.

That's exactly what I want to do during the first posts of my new series on busyness: to talk about the lies behind my, and perhaps your, busyness. What are the idols of your heart which drive you to do more than God expects from you?

Excerpts are from Tim Chester's The Busy Christian's Guide to Busyness pp. 35, 78-84.

burnout (3) it's not over yet, baby!

This post has been a long time in coming. I've wanted to write about this for so long, but the words haven't been coming together!

How do you write about something when you're in the middle of it, and your emotions are raw and your thoughts confused? How do you write about something when you're not sure how to write anything helpful? How do you write about something when you think it should be over by now?

The last 6 months haven't been easy. The hole called "burnout", which I dug myself into last year - or rather, which I dug gradually over several years, and fell into all of a sudden on the 19th of July last year (see, I remember the date!) - takes a long time to climb out of.

I thought 2 months of low-grade depression would do it: yes, I've payed my dues, now it's time to move on. But I continued to feel pretty depressed during much of the summer holidays. I'm still experiencing the repercussions in my emotions and energy levels. I'm still a little unclear about things, unsure of myself, uncertain of the future.

Things are much better now (so please don't worry about me!). I'm feeling happier and less anxious. I'm gradually finding a workable way to manage life and ministry. I'm trying to build on a firmer foundation: less pride and selfish ambition, more love and service of the people God has given me.

Like all of God's severe mercies, this has taught me a huge amount: about myself, about God, about obedience and ministry and service. I've learned about the disaster we can prepare for ourselves when we passionately serve our idols, about my frailty and humanness, about the gradual stages of healing. Most of all, I've learned about God's grace: the grace that awaits us on the other side of sin, regret, failure and weakness.

I'd like to share what I've learned with you. So as I have time and feel able, I'll write more about this in the weeks ahead.

image is from rachel_titiriga at flickr

Elyse Fitzpatrick on idolatry

Our choices are predicated upon what we think is "good,' what we "delight in," what we find most "desirable." The truth about our choices is that we always choose what we believe to be our best good. We always choose what we believe will bring us the most delight. ...

Idolatry is a sin that has its beginning in the mind, in your thoughts, beliefs, judgements, and imagination. ... Instead of fashioning idols out of wood or stone, we fashion them in our imagination - worshiping that which we believe will bring us happiness. ... These beliefs function as gods just as surely as if we had carved them from wood or overlaid them with silver. ... We must learn to put away the gods of our imagination: gods that promise happiness in exchange for our worship.

Our longings and desires ... are the driving force behind everything we do. ... Why do we profess great love for the Lord on Sunday morning and exaggerate our successes to our boss on Monday morning? Because we have divided desires. ... [T]he desire that is strongest ... is what our will acts on. ...

My sin has its roots in my false worship. Don't be deceived: you are already passionately worshipping something. ... Learning to take great delight and joy in God is the strongest deterrent to idolatry.

Elyse Fitzpatrick Idols of the Heart: Learning to Long for God Alone 81, 110, 114, 116, 124, 144-5, 165, 202, 195

image is by WolfSoul at flickr

questionnaire - identifying the lies and idols underlying your habitual sins

If your heart is an iceberg, sinful behaviours and negative emotions are only the tip. Underneath are the lies and idols of your heart. We've been looking at the iceberg: our characteristic false beliefs and sinful desires. Today, let's start with the tip. How can you work backwards from a particular struggle to the lies and idols underlying it?

Think of a habitual sin you don't seem to be able to overcome. Or think of a situation where you often feel angry, fearful or discouraged. You can use the questions below to help you identify the lies and idols underlying this particular struggle.

I've taken these questions from Elyse Fitzpatrick's Idols of the Heart. I'll begin with her examples of common idols for women, then share a couple of her practical exercises.

Some examples of lies and idols

The lie that happiness can be found in something other than God is the fountainhead from which all our idolatry flows. What might some of these lies look like? Let me give you some examples and see if they resonate with you.

• In order to be truly happy, I must have a spouse who is godly, romantic, responsible, and a good communicator.
• In order to be truly happy, I must have obedient children who please me.
• In order to be truly happy, I must have a good job where I am respected and well paid.
• In order to be truly happy, I must be loved and appreciated by others.
• In order to be truly happy, I must feel safe from all calamity.
• In order to be truly happy, I must have enough money to live in comfort.

Identifying the lies which underlie your habitual sins

Our idolatrous beliefs become evident as we find ourselves habitually sinning in some particular way. If I discover, for instance, that I frequently respond in anger when criticized, then I need to consider what idolatrous thought or imagination is at the root of my anger. To do this, I should ask myself the following questions:

1. What do I believe about the source of true happiness in this circumstance?

2. What do I believe about God in this circumstance?

3. What do I believe about myself - my rights, my goals, my desires?

4. What am I trusting in?

Identifying the idols which underlie your habitual sins

Think back to the last time you know you sinned. ... Choose a sin that you habitually fall into, like anger, self-indulgence, or fear [anxiety], for instance. Write this circumstance down.

With this circumstance in mind, ask God to help you answer the following questions. Try not to give one-word answers that don't plumb the depth of your thoughts, desires, and fears. Each of these questions will help you to understand your idolatry, so don't hurry through your answers. Instead, prayerfully ask God, the Heart Knower, to reveal your "functional gods" to you.

1. What did you want, desire, or wish for?

2. What did you fear? What were you worrying about?

3. What did you think you needed?

4. What were your strategies and intentions designed to accomplish?

5. What or whom were you trusting?

6. Whom were you trying to please? Whose opinion of you counted?

7. What were you loving? Hating?

8. What would have brought you the greatest pleasure, happiness, or delight? What would have brought you the greatest pain and misery?

from Elyse Fitzpatrick's Idols of the Heart pp. 117, 119, 163; I've added headings, and I've added numbers to the second list

image is from stock.xchng

Tim Keller on idolatry

Our idols are those things we count on to give our lives meaning. They are the things of which we say, ‘I need this to make me happy’, or ‘If I don’t have this my life is worthless and meaningless.’

Tim Keller quoted in Tim Chester's You Can Change 110

image is by horizonatal.integration at flickr

a questionnaire - identifying your idols

What are your idols? What desires drive you? What do you worship?

We've talked about how change begins when God changes our hearts by his grace in Christ. We've talked about how our part in the process is to turn from the lies of our hearts to trust God (faith), and to turn from the idols of our hearts to serve God (repentance).

A couple of weeks ago, I gave you a questionnaire to help identify the lies of your heart. Now here's a questionnaire to help you identify the idols you habitually serve.

I want …

When I wake up in the morning, the first thing that comes to mind is …

I’m working towards …

I worry about …

What’s most important to me is …

When things get difficult, I rely on …

Life only has meaning when …

I’d like to be …

I’m preoccupied by …

I can’t cope without …

I only have worth if …

I’m enthusiastic about …

I want the love or liking of …

I expect …

When my thoughts are drifting, I think about …

I make sacrifices for …

I feel like a failure when …

I’m proudest of …

I worry about …

I feel frustrated when …

I’d be happy if …

I spend my money on …

I trust and depend on …

I hate myself when …

I’d like to be accepted by …

I’m afraid of …

I devote my spare time to …

I feel down and discouraged when …

I want the approval and respect of …

I need …

I get angry and resentful when …

I wouldn’t even want to live if I lost …

I’m jealous of …

When I’m sad, worried or lonely, I get comfort from …

I hate …

I’d be happy if …

I don’t know how I’d ever cope if …

I talk a lot about …

I have a right to …

I’m willing to disappoint or hurt others to get …

I feel sorry for myself when …

I feel most at peace when …

If only …

I’d really like my children to …

I feel pressured and tense when …

I daydream about …

I pray for …

My hero or role-model is …

I crave or long for…

When I lie awake at night, I think about …

I’d consider myself successful if …

I feel happiest when …

summing up
What are the common themes? What are your idols?


If your idols are people, places or things, what deeper idols do they represent? (e.g. peace, security, control, happiness)


What are the idols you need to turn from with God's help?


How is God bigger and better than your idols?


I’ve based these questions on Tim Chester's You Can Change 125-6, Timothy Lane and Paul David Tripp’s How People Change 142-5, Mark Driscoll’s Vintage Jesus HT Pastor's Blog, the handout Unlocking Freedom from Redeemer Presbyterian Church which was taken from Tim Keller’s Leaders' Guide to Galatians, and Getting to the Heart of Conflict by Peacemaker Ministries.