a question of childcare (1) attitudes

Never ask a question if you're not willing to be laid bare by the answer.

What started as an academic question for me - "Should SAHMs with young children use childcare so they can have a day off?" - has challenged me in unexpected ways.

It's driven me back to questions of first importance: how should we address questions of freedom? What's the meaning of motherhood? It's made me think about the broader issue of childcare. It's forced me to take a close look at my own life and priorities. Thank you so much for your comments, which have helped to sharpen and clarify my thinking.

I don't think I can tackle the issue of childcare in one short post. I'll cover it in a number of posts:
1. attitudes - how do we decide issues of freedom? What is God calling us to as mothers?
2. observations - what implications does this view of motherhood have for childcare?
3. research - what do studies show about childcare?
3. practicalities - what are some of the specifics we need to take into account as we make decisions about childcare?
4. examples - stories of friends of mine who have used or not used childcare with love and wisdom

Let's start with first principles.

motherhoood and the gospel
Have you ever noticed how many books on womanhood and parenting are dominated by rules, programs and "how to's"? We're left with a view of motherhood shaped more by rules than by the gospel, leaving us proud or guilt-ridden. But the gospel does two things:

• it frees us from the condemnation and rule of the law to live in the freedom of God's grace
• it shows us the shape that this freedom takes: the shape of Jesus' sacrificial love

Jesus gave up everything - glory, honour, happiness - to become human and die an ugly death under the anger of his dear Father for our sake. God calls us to be like his Son: to lay down our selfish ambitions to pour ourselves out in sacrificial love (Phil 2:1-11). Every mother knows that motherhood demands great sacrifice. It's a sacrifice we make not only because we love our children, but because our hearts have been captured by the gospel. The shape of motherhood is the shape of the cross.

free ...
As many of us have observed, there are no rules in the Bible about childcare. This shouldn't surprise us: as Christians, we're under grace, not law (Rom 6:14). When Jesus died, he set us free from law (Rom 8:2). God doesn't give us a set of rules and tell us to live by them. It's incredibly easy as parents to stand over one another in proud judgement on matters of freedom.

... to love
But this doesn't mean we're free to live however we like. God has written a new law on our hearts by his Spirit: the law of love (Jer 31:33, Rom 13:8-10). "You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love" (Gal 5:13 - see this talk HT Simone). The shape of freedom is the shape of love. When making decisions as mothers, the question is not "What can I get away with?" but "How can I best fulfil my responsibility to love those God has given me to love - my husband and children?".

the shape of mother-love
Love isn't some general, vague concept for mothers. Mother-love takes its shape from God, the life-giver, the God of compassion and comfort (Gen 3:20, Is 49:15, 66:13, 2 Cor 1:3 - see this talk). God gives mums and dads the awesome responsibility of loving, disciplining, teaching and training their children (Deut 6:5-9, 2 Tim 1:5; 3:15, Tit 2:3-5). Men fulfil this role primarily as they lead, love and provide for their families; women as they help their husbands and bear and nurture their children (Gen 1-3, Eph 5:22-33). God reminds mothers, tempted in the first century, as we are now, to escape the small world of raising children for publicly recognised work and ministry, that Jesus died to save us as we work within this role, not as we escape it (1 Tim 2:15). He describes the shape of mother-love: loving our husbands and children, being self-controlled and pure, and being busy at home and rich in good deeds (Tit 2:3-5, 1 Tim 5:9-15).

the high calling of motherhood
It's so easy to lose sight of the privilege of motherhood when we're changing a nappy, settling a quarrel, or waking to another long day at home with kids. I found Sharon James' chapter "Only a Mum?" in God's Design for Women a helpful reminder of what motherhood is all about: helping my children to love and serve Jesus and to introduce others to him. This eternal perspective gives meaning to the mundane tasks of motherhood. The world tells us that motherhood is demeaning and unimportant ("Is that all you do? Do you work?"). God tells a different story: that motherhood is of infinite value in his eyes.

wisdom and motherhood
While it's right to talk about the "high calling" and "sacrifice" of motherhood, we mustn't forget that we're creatures, not the Creator. God made us to need sleep, rest and exercise. This includes mums! If we saw someone working 24/7 without rest, we'd rightly be concerned. But we often have this expectation of the ideal SAHM. It doesn't help that mums in our society are often shut away from adult company and the support of extended family. Some women thrive in this context, but others struggle. It's important to be aware of what helps us stay emotionally and physically healthy as we serve our families (exercise? mental stimulation? adult company?), and to try to work out ways to make these things happen - but only to the benefit, not harm, of our children.

evaluating our decisions
The question isn't really "Is childcare evil?" or "How many days a week should Christians use childcare?" This is a bit like asking "How far can I go?" when talking about sex before marriage!** The real question is much bigger, and it confronts every married woman with children: "Am I fulfilling the high calling that God has given me - to love and help my husband and, with him, to love, teach and train our children as we raise them up in Christ?" The details of our decisions will vary according to our individual circumstances, and some of us may well need to use childcare, but all of us who are mothers need to examine our choices in the light of this priority. God has entrusted our children to our care: how will we respond?

love, not judgement
I hope that if you see me getting off-track in my priorities as a wife and mother, whether it's an issue of sin or wisdom, that you'll love me enough to speak gently to me about the choices I've made. In the same way, one of the ways I will show my love to you is to do that for you. This isn't a matter of me sitting in proud judgement over you, or you over me: surely we both know that we make mistakes in mothering every day! God gives us one another so that we can teach, admonish and encourage each other, without quarreling or back-biting (Col 3:16, Eph 4:15, Heb 3:12-13, Gal 6:1-2, Jam 5:16, 2 Cor 12:20). One of the ways we can do this is to speak the truth in love to one another, even in this public forum, as we talk about how the gospel shapes the decisions we make as mothers.

implications
There are all kinds of ways we can neglect the high calling of motherhood. For me, it's by piling (good) ministry on (good) ministry until the far more significant ministry of loving, teaching and training my children is downgraded or squeezed out. My sister in Christ may tick all the SAHM boxes, but ignore her children's needs as she chats with friends on the phone or cleans the house a dozen times a day. Another friend may give her children over to the care of others, not because she's in real need, but so that she can pursue her career or because her husband has his interests and she has a right to hers as well. We all need to rethink our priorities in the light of this question:

How can I, in the situation God has put me in, best fulfil my responsibility to love, discipline, teach and train my children?

Next time I'd like to talk about the implications of the theology of motherhood we've talked about today for the decisions we make about childcare.

* I've covered a lot of theology in an extremely small space here! If you want to chase up the issues, I suggest you start with Sharon James' wonderful and very readable book God's Design for Women then move on to John Piper's (ed.) Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.
** Yes, I know the parallel is not exact - sex before marriage is wrong, although the stages towards it may not be; childcare is not wrong, although it can be misused. But in both cases there's no exact line - "This far and no further" - but only the higher goal of protecting and loving the other person.

first two images and images of sign and mug are from stock.xchng, other images are from WolfSoul, hugrakka, and Lucy Suzy at flickr

Ed Welch on legalism (2)

Ed Welch is talking about guilt. He's talking about a "resistant strand of guilt" - the kind of guilt which can plunge you into anxiety and depression. "No matter how much you offer the wonderful forgiveness of sins, the person still feels guilty. It's like this virus that there's no treatment for. ... We call it legalism."

He tells a story about some of the different varieties of legalism. I found myself in several groups, but especially in group 3, at which point I have to admit I started crying with relief that I wasn't alone. Have a read: you'll find yourself there somewhere, I guarantee it!

Let me tell you a story of legalism …

Consider yourself in a wonderful banquet-hall. There is fellowship, there is celebration, there is joy. Jesus Christ is the centre. … You’ve known something about this banquet hall. ...

But here’s this peculiarity. On this side of Christ returning, sometimes, while we’re in the banquet hall, these old memories kick in. There’s a sense of nostalgia. And so we drift away … and end up moving towards the back door. … So we wander out … We find another place. ...

One time I was taken to a bar. ... In Texas there’s no such thing as a tiny corner bar. … We went to this place, and it was basically an entire city block called Billy Bob’s. … It’s just immense. It’s smoky in some place, people are drinking in some places, people are playing pool in some places, people are going to a concert in the back room. We have come into Billy Bob’s.

And you see all these people drifting around. ... You’re a little disoriented initially. Where do I go? Who do I fit with? ... You’re looking for ... some group ... where you can feel comfortable. So you’re wandering around, and there is this group over here.

1. scrupulous legalists
They’re all dressed very well, they’re clean as can be, they’re perfectly well-groomed, and immediately I don’t think I’m going to fit in with them. … This is the group that would be scrupulous, ...the ascetics, ... the ones that are very, very careful with laws, ... the anorectics, ... the obsessive compulsives ..., concerned about fine points and details, crossing t’s, dotting i’s. ... Their entire life is, have they done the right thing? Every five minutes, there’s something judging their life. ... So I see that particular group, and I recognise very quickly that I don’t belong there. Even though some of you do. But it’s not my place. So I look around some more.

2. successful legalists
I find another group. Their appearance is somewhat similar, but their ethos is different. ... There don’t seem to be as many laws. They seem a bit more casual. They are the successful legalists. This is the group that have made it. They have the right amount of money. They come from the right family. They go to the right church. Their kids have gone to the right schools. They have the right intelligence. … This is the group that has successfully measured up to the law, whatever the law might be. ... I personally don’t tend to feel as though I have measured up. So I stop and listen to this particular group, but I move on.

Now in actuality, I do fit in that group, because the vast majority of times that I have frustration or anger in my life, it’s because I’ve measured up, and that person hasn’t. But I’m not recollecting all those things at this particular moment. So I move on some other groups.

3. striving legalists
Here’s one that’s a little bit more familiar. Call them people who are striving. They’re trying to make it. They don’t quite feel okay, but they want to be okay. The over-achievers, the productive people. They keep working and working, but it’s like that myth where you’re pushing the boulder up the mountain, and just when you think the boulder is almost up there, it comes screaming down on you, and you have to start all over again. That’s the experience of this particular group. ...

My father lived in this group his entire life. My father was a wonderful example of a person who followed Christ. But my father never, ever felt like he did enough. Ever. Depresssion and anxiety were constant companions. He wouldn’t evangelise enough. He wouldn’t save enough people. That was his constant prayer in the home, which is admirable; but the ethos of his life, the feel of his life, was not a feel of joy. The feel of his life was a feel of never being able to measure up to the standards that God had for him, always saying “Lord, next year I’m going to be doing better.” ...

That's a place that I fit into fairly well. There’s not a whole lot of joy there. There is no joy there – just like low-level, low-grade depression all the time. It’s not like you feel like you’re going to die; it’s just like you feel sort of a little bit miserable all the time.

Are you finding any places where you can hang out yet?

We’re assuming that we are legalists. The Scripture is speaking to a universal dimension of the human heart. When we look around the world, we find that every single religion is legalistic. So we are anticipating that we are going to find it as well. We’re also anticipating that we are going to find ourselves in multiple groups. ...

Let me give you a few others if you haven’t found your place of comfort yet.

4. deal making legalists
If you do this, then I’ll do this. ... In other words, “Lord, I will pray extra long this time, if you ...” “I am too bad to be a Christian. I am too bad to be able to go before God. What I have to do, is I have to be able to clean up my life first, and then, I will be able to go before God.” ... It’s deal-making with God. It’s penance. ... Every single religion has its form of penance. I will do this to hurt myself to pay God back for my sin, and then God will somehow be appeased. I fit there.

Some other groups if you haven’t found yourself yet.

5. unsuccessful legalists
They’re not even trying anymore. They know they won’t make it. “I’ve done something too bad and I can never be forgiven.” ... “I just can’t believe that God can forgive me.” … Doesn’t that sound religious? ...

Can you hear the apostle Paul ... starting to seethe? Can you hear him call you names ... ? Can you hear him say, “How dare you minimise the glory of God? How dare you think that the sacrifice of Jesus Christ is just like a bull with a blemish on it? How dare you think such a thing? How dare you?” ...

I’m sure I’ve said it in my own life before: “How could God forgive me for this?” It sounds very religious. It sounds very pious. It sounds very contrite. And it might be on some level. But it is also speaking against the sufficiency of what Christ has done on the cross. It’s saying that there is something beyond the pale of forgiveness. And that is an abomination. …

“I believe God forgives me, but I just can’t forgive myself.” It sounds very pious, but do you see the arrogance in that? Can you see that my judgement ... is higher than the judge of the land? God’s judgement is good, but I haven’t satisfied the highest level of judgement, my own ... and I just can’t forgive myself. You will hear those things in the church all the time. …

6. demanding, angry, accusing legalists
They take the law, and they massage it and shape it and twist it until they have kept the law. … All of a sudden I’m authorised to stand in judgement of the rest of you. That’s what Pharisees do. You just keep shaping the law until finally you’re in and other people are out. … “How dare that person treat me that way? This is what they deserve!” Demanding, angry legalists. …

7. nice legalists.
If that doesn’t get you – and by the way, if you’re really good at this, you see yourself in every one of the groups – if that doesn’t get you, this one definitely will. The nice legalists. The people who can’t say “no”. They’re people you love to have in your church, because whatever you ask them to do, they’ll do it. The people who are overworked. They people who are burnt out. The people who are just plain nice!

What’s the law? The law is “I want you to like me. I want you to think that I’m spiritually okay. ... I want to look as good as possible to you ... ” So what’s the law? What’s the thing that you have to measure up to? Your standards. What you determine is nice and not nice. ...

Have you found yourself within these groups yet?

Here’s what happens. If we have been in the banquet of the king, … we will never last long in this Billy Bob Bar. At some point, the King will come and get us. At some point the King will come. You know how some bars are, they’re dark and a little bit dingy, and everybody looks good when it’s dark and dingy. At some point the lights go on, and all of a sudden you find that you’re in this sort of ugly place, and you’re looking pretty ugly yourself. That’s what happens. ...

It’s familiar, granted. And so there’s something comfortable about it. But is this where you feel like you’re home? We have a God, we have a Spirit who pursues us, who turns the light on when we have been living in darkness, and who calls us back to himself. And that’s called repentance.

Repentance is leaving Billie Bob’s, and moving back into the banquet hall.

Which group(s) do you belong to?

from talk 11 of Ed Welch's Issues in Biblical Counselling; emphases and headings added

images are from Wolfgang Staudt, Keeli Rhiannon, Round America, Backwater Blues Band, Stephen Witherden, evrimsen, Stephen Witherden (again) and Xerones at flickr

Tim Chester on how we change

We become Christians by faith in Jesus, we stay Christians by faith in Jesus, and we grow as Christians by faith in Jesus ...

Grace wins our hearts ...

[W]e need a kind of re-conversion every day. ... Each day we turn afresh in faith and repentance towards God. We rediscover our first love all over again so that we're not tempted into spiritual adultery. 'The key to continual and deeper spiritual renewal and revival is the continual re-discovery of the gospel'.

In Greek mythology, the Sirens would sing enchanting songs, drawing sailors irresistibly towards the rocks and certain shipwreck. Odysseus filled his crew's ears with wax and had them tie him to the mast. This is like the approach of legalism. We bind ourselves up with laws and disciplines in a vain attempt to resist temptation. Orpheus, on the other hand, played such beautiful music on his harp that his sailors ignored the seductions of the Siren song. This is the way of faith. The grace of the gospel sings a far more glorious song that the enticements of sin, if only we have faith to hear its music.

Tim Chester You Can Change 49, 56, 64-65

image is by noe_carrillo at flickr

how we change (5b) how are you going to change?

If rules, programs and vows aren't the key to change, what is?

The key to change is far simpler and more wonderful. Here it is (fanfare please!):

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. (Colossians 2:6-7)

We're not like trains, moving from A to Z. We're like trees, staying put in one place. We don't grow by moving on from faith in Jesus to something else: laws, programs, promises. We grow by digging our roots deeper into Christ.

Jerry Bridges once asked an audience what non-Christians most needed. They answered, "the gospel". He asked what Christians most needed. They answered, "discipline". But we don't move on from the gospel to discipline. We need the gospel as much now as ever. The gospel is the key to salvation and the key to growth.

We became Christians through faith (turning to Jesus) and repentance (turning from sin - Mark 1:15). We grow as Christians in exactly the same way: through faith and repentance. Repentance is not an add-on to faith, but the flip-side of faith. As Chester says, try turning to something without turning from something else and see how you go!

Here's how it looks in practice (Colossians again! - but you could also look at Eph 4:20-24, Gal 3:1-3, 5:1, 13-25):

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. [faith]

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self. Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. And over all these virtues put on love. [repentance] (from Col 3:1-10)

When our hearts are captured by the gospel, we change. Change is about becoming who we already are in Jesus. Chester says that change is less like trying to push a boulder up hill and more like a boulder rolling down. It's God who changes us through his grace, and his work is irreversible and irrevocable: we just have to walk with him.*

A girl I know who just became a Christian sees this clearly:

I was like the blind who suddenly see who Jesus is and how he died for me. ... Now I want to do things not because I have to, but because I have been so loved by God. (cf 2 Cor 5:14)

As for me, I'm discovering that as I sink my roots deeper into the grace of Christ, reminding myself every day that I'm accepted by God not because of what I do but because of Jesus' death, I'm changing. But it's not because I've created new rules and regulations for myself. It's because my heart is singing the song of God's incredible grace.

For reflection: How have you tried to change in the past? What worked? What didn't work? Have you seen how God’s grace changes your heart more than rules or programs? How can you dig your roots deeper into God's grace in Christ every day?

*Phil 1:6, Heb 12:7-11, Rom 6:1-14, Rom 8:5-17, Gal 5:15-25

If you'd like to see or use my seminar How Change Happens, which is based on Tim Chester's You Can Change, please contact me.

quotes are from chapter 3 of Tim Chester's You Can Change; Jerry Bridge's story is from chapter 1 of The Discipline of Grace

images are from stock.xchng

dentist

My husband went to the dentist recently to have a tooth extracted.

The first time you go to our dentist, the receptionist hands you a questionnaire: "On a scale of 1 to 10, how nervous do you feel?" When you admit to any nervousness, she asks you why.

So you stand there talking to this lady you've never met before defending the fact that you feel nervous: "Well ... I'm not really that nervous ... I'm only a little bit nervous ... Everyone feels nervous at the dentist, don't they ... ". Your voice trails off and you shuffle your feet under her searching gaze, then return to your plastic seat in the waiting room, waiting with clammy hands for your name to be called.

At our dentist you not only get to fill in a questionnaire on your very first visit, but they throw in a free compliment to go with the free toothbrush, the guilt about not flossing, and the (extremely expensive) service. I'm sure they've been told that a compliment helps new patients to relax, because both Steve and I received one.

When Steve opened his mouth, the dentist exclaimed, "You don't have any fillings! That's wonderful!"

When I opened my mouth, the dentist exclaimed, "You have all your teeth! That's unusual at your age!"

I felt naively pleased. After hearing Steve's compliment, I'm not so sure.

Still, it could be worse. "Not many octogenarians have such a healthy set of gums." "You keep your 3 teeth very clean." "Fillings! You've got a complete set!"

Well, I don't have a complete set yet, but I'm working on it. I've just received one of those letters: "You haven't visited the dentist for 6 months and we're concerned about your dental health." I've got a slight ache in my left maxillary second molar and level 3 nervousness in my gut. Pass me the chocolate biscuits.

image is from nmoira at flickr

a definition of legalism

It's been brought to my attention that I need to define legalism.

Ed Welch says there are 2 main ways we can define legalism:

• an attachment to specific rules, so that we make the Bible say more than it actually does say on issues like card-playing, dancing or drinking alcohol (it's always someone else who does this, of course, never me!)
• adding something to the death of Jesus, so that we are made right with God not only by faith in Jesus' death, but also on the basis of what we do

It's the second that I've been addressing this week.

But it's not normally as blatant as this, is it? Most of us wouldn't say " I need to believe in Jesus and also do x and y to be accepted by God." We know it's only through faith in Jesus' death that God makes us right with him.

For us it will be more subtle.

Perhaps we have a "good day -bad day" mentality. We expect God to bless us on days when we've had our quiet time, but on days when we've skipped our quiet time and been grumpy with our children, we don't expect God to bless us. In other words, we're making God's blessing dependent on what we do rather than on Jesus' death.

Perhaps we wallow in guilt when we've done the wrong thing, and feel like we have to "fix things up" before we can approach God in prayer. Again, we're adding something to the death of Christ: it's not enough to believe in Jesus, I also have to make things right with God before he will be happy to hear my prayers.

Perhaps we're anxious or depressed because we've failed some invisible standard. At some level, we feel like we have to prove ourselves to God, others or ourselves before we can be content. We're putting our security in something else besides Jesus' death: in the opinion of others, or in our self-opinion, or in earning God's favour.

Or perhaps, as I talked about here, it's that we think rules, regulations and vows are the way to grow in Jesus. We become Christians through faith in Christ, but we grow as Christians through disciplines and programs. I'll talk more about the alternative to this view in my next post on Tim Chester's You Can Change. But again, it's a way of putting our hope for transformation in something besides the death of Christ.

If you're still not sure what I mean by legalism, please ask me to clarify in the comments! Legalism is a slippery concept, as Nicole observed here. But I think it's really important to understand legalism or we'll fall into the same error as the Galatians, who thought circumcision was necessary as well as faith in Jesus; or the Colossians, who thought that we grow through rules and self-denial rather than through the gospel.

To add to the cross of Christ is to say that the cross of Christ is not enough.

Ed Welch on legalism (1)

Around Easter this year, God turned me inside out. I was listening to a talk on legalism by Ed Welch (part of his series on biblical counselling).

I'd been doing a lot of navel gazing during the last year and a half: why am I feeling anxious? why am I feeling depressed? why am I feeling overwhelmed? I'd identified all kinds of issues: pride, perfectionism, people-pleasing and so on.

But the day I heard this talk - around the time, in God's grace, that I read the chapter on legalism in Tim Chester's You Can Change - I realised what was at the root of them all: legalism.

That day I rejoiced. If the root problem was legalism, there was a very simple solution: grace. I was forgiven and made new! I didn't need to prove myself to God, others or myself any longer. I didn't need to try and change through yet another list of rules.

Here's how Ed Welch begins: with the story of a friend.

A friend of mine was meeting in a small group. They were going to talk about and do repentance … I thought he was my spiritual mentor. To wake up and confess sin on Friday mornings with other brothers! …

But I noticed that after 3 weeks or so, he started getting a bit numb. ... The weeks go on, and he’s feeling depressed. The weeks go on, and he’s feeling really depressed. The weeks go on, and he’s feeling certifiably, institutionisable depression. ... Here’s my spiritual mentor, and he’s going through this process of repentance with other brothers in Christ: it didn't make any sense.

So we began to think about it one day. Here’s how it went. He would repent of his sins. He would repent publicly – grand thing! But then he would see that his repentance was selfish, that it was manipulative, that perhaps there was a bit of it that was trying to impress the other people in the group. So he would repent of his repentance. And then he would consider the repentance of his repentance and realize the selfishness in that, the self-centredness in that, and he would repent of the repentance of his repentance of his repentance.

Now he’s a fairly bright guy. My neurons would have gone on the fritz at that point. But he got to around the seventh level of repentance. …

So he’s repented for his repentance for his repentance for his repentance. He’s left me thoroughly confused. He’s hopelessly depressed and getting even more depressed, if there’s a lower point to go. We’re assuming that Scripture speaks clearly, ... and you don’t have to be a genius to grab on to it. The question is, what’s available to this particular person?

He needs to repent. The eighth level of repentance! But he doesn’t need to repent of his repentance. He needs to repent of the very thought that there is something he can do, some righteousness that he can bring to the finished work of Christ. …

The gospel is 1 Corinthians 15:3-5: "Christ died for sins, and he rose again according to the Scriptures." That’s the thing "of first importance". The wondrous part of that passage is that it doesn’t say anything about us: ... “Christ died for sin, and he rose again according to the Scripture. And you must repent really well.”

Yes, there is repentance as our response to the gospel, undoubtedly. There is repentance as we turn from one kingdom and move towards the other. The thing of first importance, however, is what Christ has done.

In the book of Galatians, there was this tendency to add something – add something good to what Christ has done, but add to it. And any time we add to what Christ has done, the apostle Paul saves his most ferocious words for us. Because he has just been smitten by the gospel.

images are from flickr

too tired for ...

Next time you're "too tired", think about the things you're prepared to stay up late for:

- watching your favourite TV show
- finishing that exciting novel
- a night out chatting with a friend
- those emails you need to catch up on
- fill in the blank _______________

Some things are more important than others.

.

pride - a personal reflection

There's been great fuel for pride in my life recently. I led a couple of seminars during the last month, and they were received beyond my hopes and expectations. You know the kind of thing: glowing recommendations, people telling me how I'd affected them (or, hopefully, how God's word affected them!), and invitations to more teaching opportunities. Humanly speaking, it was a dream come true.

I went for a walk and prayed the other morning. I wept. I sat on my rock (actually, it was a neighbouring rock!) and poured out my heart to God. I could feel pride and selfish ambition creeping up on me, and I was determined to stand against them.

I sat and reflected on my insignificance. God doesn't need me. He can further his kingdom without my help. He can raise up the people he wants, when and where he wants. When I've gone to be with my Lord, others will take my place. How gloriously superfluous I am!

We are none of us necessary. Or look at it another way: we are all equally necessary to one another. No fingers boasting over toes in this body!

The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honourable we treat with special honour. ... Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. 1 Cor 12:12-27

My tears of repentance were replaced with tears of wonder and joy, as I thought about God's unshakeable plan to glorify his Son (Eph 1:3-14): a plan that he graciously involves me in, but which doesn't need me in it.

I said to God, "I am yours. You may take it all away tomorrow, and that is okay, your kingdom will go forward. You may choose for me an obscure life serving a sick husband or a disabled child, and that is okay, your kingdom will go forward. I may die tomorrow, and that is okay (no, that is best!) and your kingdom will go forward."

You'll sometimes hear people say, "It's not about you". They're right. It's not about me. It's about God and his glory.

If God chooses to use me to further his kingdom, I will praise him. If he chooses to use someone else to further his kingdom, I will praise him. For "neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow" (1 Cor 3:7).

how we change (5a) how are you going to change?

We are all legalists.

Left to ourselves, we try to make it to God on our terms. We try to earn our way to God through our own goodness. And this doesn't stop when we become Christians. We expect God's blessing when we've been "good". We expect God to make things go badly when we've skipped our quiet times or been grumpy with our families.

We approach growing as Christians in the same way. When we want to change, we resort to rules and regulations, lists and programs, vows and promises. We're like the Galatians, saved by grace but trying to grow through law (Gal 3:1-5). We forget God's startling words:

Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence. Col 2:20-23

Think back to the last time you tried to change. Maybe you decided you wanted to eat less, or pray more often, or manage your temper. How did you go about it? What lists and promises did you make? What self-denials did you subject yourself to? What rules did you draw up for your obedience?

Did it work? How long did the change last? If you're determined, maybe quite a while! But vows, rules and programs only go so far. It's not long before we're over-eating or missing quiet times or over-spending again. Believe me, I know. I'm an expert in this kind of change.

A few years after the chaos of motherhood had begun, a couple of good friends and I read a book about biblical womanhood. My friends made a few sensible changes to their lives. I made detailed plans for all the things which were going to change from now on.

I decided to wake up at 6.00 and pray and read the Bible for an hour every day. I developed a household management centre in my home, complete with personal organiser, calendar, and monthly, weekly and daily "to do" lists. I committed myself to loving my husband and children in specific ways. I am an obsessive perfectionist, after all!

I tried it for a couple of months. I'd wake in the mid-winter darkness, drag myself to a chair, and sit trying to concentrate on the Bible. My personal organiser went unused. My "to do" lists became dog-eared and confused. I became overwhelmed, stressed and felt like an utter failure. I couldn't even succeed at this simple program for becoming a better wife, homemaker and mother! I developed a lasting aversion to books about homemaking.

I also developed a lasting aversion to vows, rules and programs for change.

Yes, there is a place for self-discipline. Chester says, "Many of these things are good in themselves ... But our rituals and disciplines can't change us." Rules and disciplines can only change our external behaviour. They can't change our hearts.

So what is the secret to change? This post is already too long, so I'll wait till next week to talk about that! In the meantime, maybe you'd like to share with us the story of a time you tried to change through rules and disciplines. How did it go?

If you'd like to see or use my seminar How Change Happens, which is based on Tim Chester's You Can Change, please contact me.

quotes are from chapter 2 of Tim Chester's You Can Change

images are from stock.xchng