a question for those of you who are parents and introverts

A friend of mine with young children commented on Facebook, "Today it is hard to be a parent & an introvert."

I responded, "Oh, yes, if walls could tell!!" (I meant "talk", of course, but I'm always getting my sayings mixed up.)

She asked, "What do you do to cope, Jean?"

Here's my (edited) response about my years at home with young children,

What didn't I do, do you mean? What I should have done - and didn't - was to take Carolyn Mahaney's excellent advice and my husband's offer and go away on my own for a day or two a few times a year (once my babies were old enough). What I did do, that helped, was to get up early to spend some time with God (not possible with babies when you're exhausted) and/or went for a walk to pray a little later while my husband minded the kids, had a nanny nap in the early afternoon while the kids slept or watched a DVD, and spent a morning on my own once a week (when I could) at a local park to sip a chai latte, write in my journal, go for a walk and pray.

Do you have any other suggestions for my friend - and for me?

Please share them here.

when suffering doesn't make sense (what I'm reading: Mark Dever on Job)

I don't know if it's age. I don't know if it's experience. What I do know is that the Old Testament book of Job means so much more to me this time around. I read it in big gulps; the only way, I'm realising, that Job can be read.

You can't tame Job: reading it is like watching a Shakespearean play, the language flowing over you as the tragedy plays out in grand gestures. You enter the court-room of heaven, are repelled by Job's open sores, cling with him to the shreds of his faith. You're left face-down, gob-smacked by God's glory.

When I get to the end of Job, I pick up Mark Dever's The Message of the Old Testament, and he drives the point of Job's story hard into my heart:

Demanding that suffering have a reason and meaning that fits within the narrow scope of our human understanding prejudices the explanation that can be given...When we fail to recognize our limitations, it's like deciding that because our own car radio is not picking up any radio broadcasts, then there must be no radio stations sending out a broadcast anywhere. But why assume that? Is that the only possible explanation?...The book of Job teaches us that we do not possess all the facts.

At times, God does graciously allow us to see how He has used a difficult situation for our good. And surely we should thank Him for the consolation such moments of understanding afford. But there is danger in assuming that He must give us such understanding...The only one who is worthy of our trust is not ourselves; nor is it our own clever ability to figure out life's knotty questions; it is God Himself...

Your very suffering can exquisitely display the glory of God as you serve and worship him in a way that simply defies the world's comprehension and abilities. If you, Christian, are presently enduring a season of suffering, it may be that God is sitting in heaven right now and saying to the heavenly host about him, "Have you considered my servant?" and then pointing to you...

We often suffer. We sometimes understand. And by God‟s grace, we can always trust.

Mark Dever's The Message of the Old Testament, pages 474, 478-9.

raising a hand

In one of those lovely glimpses you get into a child's character during parent-teacher interviews, Ben's teacher told me he has to work really hard during class discussions not to look at Ben - who inevitably has his hand up - while he encourages one of the other 25 kids to answer the question.

He says it reminds him of Martin in The Simpsons. It reminds me of Hermione in Harry Potter. Nerds of the world - and fellow Hermione fans - unite!

online meanderings - kids @ church, why we don't know the future, sexual sin in the ministry, and other stuff

This week, my top picks were

Making the transition from children's ministry to church - Fantastic advice about adults relating to kids at church; the transition from Sunday School to church; and the place of youth groups in the growth of faith. Meredith.

Why God doesn't tell you everything - "Sometimes I’ve wondered why God doesn’t reveal the specific plan He has for all of our lives...Maybe the specifics of how we will become more like Christ over a lifetime would be too much to handle...God gives us the big picture of our future. And it’s glorious!...But He chooses not to fill in all the details for us. And that’s a good thing." Trevin Wax

Sexual sin in the ministry -"One missions agency told me that 80% of their applicants voluntarily indicate a struggle with pornography, resulting in staff shortages on the field." I was horrified - and encouraged - by this post calling pastors to "come into the light" and deal with sexual sin. Harry Shaumburg.

I was challenged by

The Christian life is not safe - "Our God isn’t safe, but he is good. Why then do so many of us live such safe lives?" Challies.

Better church: The why and how of running Sunday meetings - "It is really beyond irony to be spending our Sunday mornings in a funk because the church meeting is not edifying." "If you’re going to make a start by improving just one thing about your Sunday meetings, improve your meeting leaders." Tony Payne.

Hidden in the heart - "Tech gurus tell us that no longer do we remember information, we remember where to find it...Alongside such brain-wastage goes an inability to concentrate, an attention span that is degenerating to a point which might make a goldfish wince." Jeremy Walker.

I was encouraged by

Jesus weak and tempted - "The point is not, 'Go and copy Jesus and resist temptation.' The point is give up, own up and throw yourself on Jesus.' Jesus is beyond comparison. He is supremely wonderful. Come and trust him for forgiveness." Spot on, Cathy, and deeply encouraging.

Raising kids to be Christian adults - The secret to raising kids? You know you want it. "Show that Jesus matters more than anything." An oldy but, oh, such a goody. Cathy HT Rebecca

Don't focus on your strengths - "Our gifts are not so much our identity as our offering. And since God has given us these gifts, he’s not obliged to always put us in places where we can use them fully." Jon Bloom.

I was informed by

Facebook makes us miserable - I'd have to agree with this one. "Facebook makes me believe, even stronger, in the value of the local church, in the value of true, deep fellowship, or genuine community." An oldy but a goody revived by Challies.

City life for kids - My friend Susie responds to my Kathy Keller link. And here she reflects on the benefits of bringing up kids in the country.

The Bible and birth control part 2 - Should Christians take the pill? I agree with Challies on this one.

I was disturbed - helpfully - by

When is porn actionable? - Troubling, but worth a read. When does a husband's use of pornography call for divorce? And when is a wife complicit? Douglas Wilson.

Isn't porn harmless? - "Porn is much more than an individual decision—it is part of a system that preys on women and children, and its viewers are participating in, contributing to, and being shaped by that destructive, enslaving system." Justin Holcomb.

I now want to read

Working it out - Smashing the world's view of work - At last! MTS has a blog! I'll be reading along. Ben kicks off with an interesting article about doing less work so we can do our real work.

God's good design: What the Bible really says about men and women - "Claire Smith’s long and deep engagement with the Bible’s teaching on men and women is at last published for the benefit of all." Yay! I gotta get me one! Mark Thompson.

Wednesdays were pretty normal - "For me, I think the day Joshua was diagnosed was the day I actually became an adult. Up until then, I had the luxury to sort of play at life...But when Joshua was sick, it brought an incredible seriousness to life - to marriage, to parenting, to work, really everything." An interview with Michael Kelley by Vitamin Z about this book.

and I enjoyed

8 myths about China today - "If you're not confused than you simply haven't been paying attention." HT Justin Taylor.

Preschoolers' busy bank: painting rocks - I always did love a painted rock. A great kids' craft. Cath.

Wanted: more church invaders

A few years ago, our family of six left a congregation full of parents with young children, and joined a church made up mostly of university students.1 This wasn’t an ideological statement on our part: it was simply because my husband works in university ministry, and that’s where we needed to be at the time. But it’s made me aware of some of the benefits and costs of going to church with people from a different age and stage from your own.

It’s easy to spend your entire life going to church with people just like you. Many of us start out in our parent’s church: a place, perhaps, with lots of other kids and teenagers. We graduate to a university church (that’s what my husband and I did), to a worker’s service, to a family service (ditto), to a congregation full of empty-nesters and, finally, retirees. It’s not so simple for those who are single, childless, or divorced; but that’s how it works a lot of the time. Even churches with mixed-age congregations find they tend to become homogeneous: for example, families with young children often attend church in the morning, while young adults go in the evening.2

Then there are the ‘church invaders’, people who make a deliberate decision to go to church with people who aren’t like them. I’ve met some of them: an energetic lady in her 60s who goes along to the youth service so she can show an interest in young people. A woman in her early 20s who attends a church where she’s the only person under 40, because she believes older and younger Christians need each other. A childless woman great at relating to kids, who gives her time to reaching out to children and their parents. A couple with older children who feel a little out of place in a congregation full of younger families, but who go to provide encouragement, support and wisdom.

So what is it like, crossing the frontiers? I won’t deny that I found it hard at first, going to a university church. I worried about my children growing up without lots of Christian kids their own age. I worried that no-one would want to talk to me - after all, what 20-year-old wants to hang out with a 40-something woman surrounded by noisy children? My instinct was to retreat to the back of the church, serve supper, feed my kids, and talk to the few women my age: to leave the boundaries between age groups uncrossed and unchallenged.

I’d love to claim some great godliness that helped me overcome this self-absorption, but I can’t. What happened was that, one memorable morning, I prayed about my attitude to church, and God’s Spirit convicted me that I was acting like a spoiled child: self-centred, self-conscious, self-pitying. Too wrapped up in myself to love those around me. Too concerned about what people thought of me to be concerned about them. Too obsessed with my own needs to consider the needs of others. I wept, repented, and asked for God’s help to start again.

In God’s very good timing – how often he brings us to the end of ourselves before he brings about a change in our circumstances! – the women in our church got together the following week. Older, younger, student, graduate, mother, teenager: we laughed and ate and swapped our stories. We met again, and talked about how we could better encourage each other. We met again, read Titus 2:3-5, and saw how God wants older and younger women to be involved in each other’s lives. Soon, I’ll start meeting regularly with two younger women to read the Bible and pray. It’s no coincidence that, at the very point I stopped worrying about whether I belonged, I felt a sense of belonging.

I’m beginning to see how important it is that I’m here, right now, in this church, being encouraged by and encouraging these particular women. In a few years time, when they get married and have kids, or wonder if they’ll stay single, or start out in work and ministry, I hope I’ll be beside them, helping them find the way into mature Christian womanhood. I look back to when I was a student going to a university church, and I’m deeply grateful to the older single people, couples and families who came along, modelled the Christian life for us, and taught and trained us in godliness. There’s a richness of encouragement that happens between Christians of different ages and stages that’s beautiful to see.

What about our kids? Is it fair to them, going to a church with only a few other children and teenagers?3 Our two younger boys are loved and cared for by a bunch of enthusiastic young people who enjoy having them around, and who are learning to lead as they teach them in Sunday School. Our older son enjoys hanging out with the godly young men who surround him. Our teenage daughter is excited about being mentored by a lovely young Christian woman. Our marriage and family are a lived-out, messy, week-by-week example for many who never experienced a Christian family growing up. In the end, it’s not the patterns of church that matter to us and our children: what matters is that the gospel is taught, and they are loved and prayed for by the members of our church family.

Not everyone is built to be a church invader. We know many Christians – single workers, couples with young children, retirees – who do their best ministry loving and serving people in a similar situation to their own. We’ve advised others, who find it hard to get to church at all, to go to a church that’s designed for their needs. But even if you don’t invade a church, do invade people’s lives. Be aware of the unseen boundaries that cross churches: old and young, married and single, privileged and disadvantaged, we’re all part of the body of Christ (Gal 3:28; Col 3:11). Think about who might feel in the minority, even if they hide it well. Invest time in younger Christians, and seek out the wisdom of older Christians. Invite people who are different from you into your life.

But perhaps you are built to be a church invader. Maybe you’re an older person who’s good at relating to young people, a member of a family who would like to reach out to single workers, or a young person who’s never seen a Christian marriage in action. If that’s the case, why not choose a church where you don’t naturally belong? Why not choose a church, not because it meets your needs, but because it needs you? Why not make a home for others in a place that feels far from home? Why not become a church invader? We’d love to have you along!


1. Actually, there were a couple of moves along the way, but I’m simplifying the story for the sake of clarity. ↩
2. I don’t want to comment on which approach to church is best: homogeneous or heterogeneous. I think there are benefits to both approaches. ↩
3. I’m often questioned about this. I was recently helped by an alternate point of view, offered by Kathy Keller in Why the city is a wonderful place to raise children. ↩


This post was first published at The Briefing today.

image is by The Arches from flickr

what church and place should I raise my kids in?

How do you choose a church and place to raise your children? There was an interesting discussion on my Facebook wall about this quote, which came from an article about the benefits of raising kids in urban areas:

I have often said that the best thing you can do for your teenage children is not to have them in a great big youth group (of other teens as clueless and confused as themselves), but to have lots of young adult, cool, ardently believing friends. - Kathy Keller Why the city is a wonderful place to raise children

Here's what people said (with names removed). Please add your thoughts to the discussion.

M said, "Thanks for drawing my attention to this post. Encouraging at SO many levels."

T said, "Lots of cool, young adults the best thing you can do for your kids? As someone who has spent the majority of his ministry ministering to 'cool, young adults' - even the 'ardently believing' kind - and raised three kids to near adulthood...well...I'm not so sure Jean."

I said, "Yes, it probably depends on the 'cool, young adults'!! I think she's got a point, though. There's a prevalent myth in Christian circles that your kids won't turn out as Christian adults if they don't hang around with lots of Christian teens when they're teens."

T replied, "Both models, when offered up as panaceas, are myths. Give me a Christian community that loves, accepts and prays for my kids. Couldn't care less how young, cool or urban they are. The bigger issue is the flattering of certain demographics. Don't know about Australia but the American evangelical world is swimming in that right now."

M said, "I'm loving this conversation. Please keep talking! I think 'Give me a Christian community that loves, accepts and prays for my kids' is probably key here. But I think Kathy Keller provides a good corrective to 'Gospel + youth group = children growing up to be Christian adults.' But as you say, T, we need to make sure we don't just put something else in the Gospel + _________ blank space."

I said, "In Australia, it's the youth group paradigm that I hear all the time, and that's what caught my eye about what Kathy said - that, just possibly, there might be other ways to raise Christian kids. But I think you're right: what matters is that it's a 'Christian community that loves, accepts and prays for my kids', whatever the demographic. I find that a huge relief, because I've been told over and over that what matters is that our kids go to a family church with a big youth group (or else...).

"And on the suburban vs. urban issue - yes, again I agree; but once again, what Kathy is doing is countering a paradigm I'm all too familiar with: 'You have to bring up your kids in a nice suburb and send them to nice schools (or else...)'. Again, good to hear someone saying you can actually make Christian parenting work in a different kind of environment! Our suburb is neither 'urban' nor 'nice', but we are teaching and training our kids to live for Jesus in this place - and, I hope, in any place they may live in years to come."

L said, "Don't they see sin in the backwaters of Melbourne Suburbia? I just have to walk out of my front door to see selfishness, envy, lust and lawlessness: empty bourbon and coke cans strewn on my nature strip, rude neighbours, speeding, reckless cars on the way to and from work. I can go to church in my own suburb if I want to see adultery, unfaithfulness, greed, gossip and slander. Why waste petrol? I'm just sayin'."

I said, "Yeah, true! Or country Victoria will do it for you nicely as well. Although the 'sin' and the results of it in broken lives are more obvious in some areas than others, and Christian parents tend to avoid these places and live in the 'nice' suburbs. And I posted it 'cos I liked the bit about youth group..."

S said, "Jean, I would love to have the pros & con conversation about youth group. I am not convinced another program is going to disciple, encourage and challenge my kids. The stats of kids who are still Christians post youth group days is pretty discouraging."

JA said, "Well, one of my kids' friends from school became a Christian last night at a youth group thing. I'm happy they go to youth group and the young adults who lead are great role models."

G said, "What sort of youth group would they have had in Thessalonica? If they are so important, why aren't they mentioned more in the Pauline epistles or, really, anywhere? You could maybe stretch 1 Cor 15:33 to talk about peer group pressure. Parenting, however, gets spoken of a lot."

I said, "G, It occurs to me that, even though youth groups aren't mentioned in the Bible, neither are Bible studies or even church 'services' in the modern sense. What you say is a helpful corrective. But it doesn't mean that we can't create structures to teach and encourage God's people, including youth groups: just that they're not essential and shouldn't be treated as such.

"S and JA, I'm sure it can work out well for kids either way. I went to a very good church with few young people and a very bad youth group - you can guess which one helped me! But there are good youth groups out there and I'm more than happy for my kids to go. My problem is when a church with a certain demographic is made to seem essential to raising Christian kids - which it often is in pointed questions I'm asked about the church we take our family to."

G said, "Tangential I know, but so are many of the questions around raising kids as Christians, including whether the location is urban or not."

I said, "I gets lots of those kinds of pointed questions too *sigh*."

G said, "Shame."

And V said - in perhaps the most helpful comment of all -

What is a 'family church'? We wouldn't say a married couple who cannot have children are less family for the absence of children. Churches can vary greatly in their demographics, but it is relationship with Christ that makes the family.

I've never attended youth group, having become a Christian at 18 in a small church only two other young adults. As a new Christian, I was in a bible study with the spectrum of ages. I was taught, accepted and prayed for (not always perfectly). I have a friend who came to the church and to know Jesus through an invitation to largish youth group as a young teen. Both are acts of God's sovereign grace, the same sovereign grace that I pray is/will bring my children to know Jesus. How it will look in terms of place, people circumstance I don't know.

As a parent, I do have a responsibility and desire to make wise decisions by my children, but I suspect that decisions concerning our choice of church, school and neighbourhood can loom larger than they really are. The harder things I find are daily issues of living my life in relationship with Christ before my children, training, commitment to and love for other believers etc...

Continue the conversation here.

image is by AllStarsYouth at flickr

organising my day with the help of Jerry Seinfeld

I don't usually like organisational tips. They bring out the worst in me. I find myself frantically trying to live up to them, falling in a heap, then abandoning all hope and all efforts to be organised in future.

But something about this simple little organisational tip appealed to me: How Seinfeld's productivity secret fixed my procrastination problem. It's really, really simple:

1. Choose your goals. Pick three things you'd like to be doing more regularly. Later, you can add a fourth.


2. Set daily minimums for each goal. Decide on a manageable daily goal: for example, exercise for at least 15 minutes.


3. Set some boundaries. You might decide, for example, that sick days and vacation days are exempt.


4. Keep a record. Every day, you put a red X on a calendar when you achieve each of your goals. The aim is not to break the chain of Xs.
   
   (I say "Phooey!" to that last one - I don't need that amount of pressure! - but I do like the idea of aiming for a small amount of something every day).
   

So here are my four goals (just put "at least..." in front of the times):

• 15 minutes prayer (I'm not that keen on treating prayer as a daily chore, but I do want to set aside time for it, so on it goes!)


• 15-30 minutes exercise (walk, weights - not that I've got the second going yet this year)


• 15 minutes household management (an extra job, on top of the weekly cleaning, like wiping down the kitchen cupboards, decluttering a drawer, or getting something fixed around the place)


• 15 minutes reading a Christian book (something I love, but often forget)

The good thing about this is that, instead of thinking "I can't exercise/pray/clean now, I missed the time for that", I think, "I haven't done that yet today, why not do it now?"

I don't expect to do all these things every day. I'm not keeping track on a calendar. But they're on my mental checklist. It means I get around to them more often. And that can only be a good thing.

HT Take Your Vitamin Z

who should I marry?

How do you choose who to marry? Or who to go out with? Or who to run away from very, very fast? Here's some advice that's stood the test of time from JC Ryle: do they help you upwards?

Remember this in choosing a husband or wife, if you are unmarried. It is not enough that your eye is pleased,—that your tastes are met,—that your mind finds congeniality,—that there is amiability and affection,—that there is a comfortable home for life. There needs something more than this. There is a life yet to come. Think of your soul, your immortal soul. Will it be helped upwards, or dragged... downwards by the union you are planning?—Will it be made more heavenly, or more earthly,—drawn nearer to Christ, or to the world?—Will its religion grow in vigour, or will it decay? I pray you, by all your hopes of glory, allow this to enter into your calculations. Think, as old Baxter said, and think, and think, and think again, before you commit yourself. “Be not unequally yoked.” (2 Cor. vi. 14.) Matrimony is nowhere named among the means of conversion. Remember Lot’s choice.

JC Ryle Holiness HT Lil' Leila Lee

image is by madmetal from flickr

so what team are we on exactly?

The other night I was reading the story of the plagues in Egypt to Thomas (eight) and Andy (five), using the The Big Picture Storybook Bible - which, by the way, we're loving this time around - when Andy declared, in a tone of great surprise,

"You mean the Israelites were on the good team?!?!?

I always thought they were on the bad team!!!"

Well, we have been reading Ezekiel. So he's either been listening better, or worse, than I thought.

online meanderings: from the mouth of an athiest, better than youth groups, hearing the voice of God, and other stuff

This week, my top picks were these: one by an atheist, and two by Christians.

Is it true? That is the ultimate question - "As an unbeliever my sympathies are with fundamentalists...If a faith is true it must have the most profound consequences for a man and for mankind." Matthew Paris via Vitamin Z.

Why the city is a wonderful place to raise children - "I have often said that the best thing you can do for your teenage children is not to have them in a great big youth group (of other teens as clueless and confused as themselves), but to have lots of young adult, cool, ardently believing friends." Thanks, Kathy Keller.

How do we hear the voice of Jesus? - Now there's a post on how we hear the voice of Jesus that I thoroughly agree with! John Piper. (See also This morning I heard the voice of God. Thanks, David McKay!)

I was encouraged by

Getting sharing your faith on the radar - How to get out there, meet people in the community and share your faith. Great, manageable ideas from Tim Grant. Thanks, bro'!

Gospel-centred living part 3 - "She doesn’t see what she has done as 'giving up work' and, in fact, eschews such terminology. In her mind she hasn’t given up anything, but gained things in loving and serving her Church family." The story of a godly woman.

Honesty - "Have you ever stared at your blank Facebook status update box and felt inept...nothing witting, engaging or thrilling was coming to mind." Thanks, Susie, for an honest expression of what we all sometimes feel - and for pointing us in the right direction.

I was challenged by

When is indecision loveless and sinful - "Have you ever been paralyzed with indecision? I have. It is not a good trait of leadership...'To delay or fail to make decisions may be more sinful than to make wrong decisions out of faith and love.'" Piper on Bonhoeffer.

Lessons in forgiveness - How to say "Sorry" - and receive it. I have something to learn here when it comes to saying sorry to my children. Challies.

Don't assume - “Judge not, that you be not judged” (Matt. 7:1)...After all the necessary qualifications, we must not mute this important command." Read this great list.

I was helped and informed by

Food Tidings - A fantastic website to help you organise a meal roster. HT Nicole.

Forty year old light on how to translate "Son of God" for Muslims - "The potential misunderstanding of 'Son of God' was there from the beginning. The remedy for it was not the rejection of the term. The remedy was the New Testament itself." Piper on Packer.

Did you also know? - Find the repeated sentence: a great key to understanding books of the Bible! Excellent stuff from Meredith.

I was pleased to read

Why incarnational ministry is not the best terminology - It's about time someone said so. Eckhard Schnabel quoted by Justin Taylor.

Heaven's simple logic -"When it comes to praying for spouses, wives outpray husbands by a landslide." Sorry, guys, but he said it, not me. Andrew Case.

Home education paradox - Cathy shatters a few homeschooling stereotypes.

I now want to read these books

Susan Hunt's Prayers of the Bible and Paul David Tripp's Forever - thanks to Challies' Reviews I didn't write

Michael Haykin's The Reformers and Puritans as Spiritual Mentors - thanks to Justin Taylor

and these made me giggle.

Lutheran insulter - "Click the link and Martin Luther will insult you. You know you want to." Challies.

Why study the book of Numbers?