a question about feeding toddlers

You'd think this mother of 4 would have mastered simple tasks like feeding a toddler, wouldn't you? But the other day, I found myself pouring over the suggestions in What to Expect: The Toddler Years as eagerly as I ever did with my first child.

It's only recently that two of my closest friends were complaining about their toddler and young child not eating. "Oh, don't worry," I said breezily. "They're obviously healthy and growing. Clearly they're getting enough nutrients. Don't doctors say they will eat what they need to eat?"

Ha.

Clearly I needed some humbling.

For here I am worrying because my 2 year old ate an average of 2 meals every day for the last week, that 80% of this was carbohydrate and 15% dairy, and that about 1cm of a vegetable and 3cm of meat passed his lips during this time.

Most days, I wake to an exhausting 1/2 hour of tantrums because he's hungry but doesn't want breakfast, eat dinner to the background noise of another 1/2 hour tantrum, and watch him eat nothing - nothing! - at lunchtime. He must eat something. I think it might be some dry noodles and a few biscuits in the afternoon.

My first child was as fussy as they come (no foods touching, no visible veges, and bread with chocolate spread - ouch! - for school lunches for 2 long years). My next 2 children happily ate just about anything, especially veges. But number 4, while cute as a button, is proving to be a challenge.

He hates monotony, but despises variety. He eats erratically, occasionally, and frugally. He'd happily subsist on milk, tomato sauce and icecream.

And can he throw a tantrum! His darling 10 year old sister runs to give him attention every time he cries, bless her motherly heart, which really doesn't help. He stands there wailing, alternating "Mummy! I want Mu-u-mmy!" and "Lizzy! I want Li-i-zzy!" depending on who is giving him the most attention.

Children are great levellers. Every time I'm getting proud - about my children's sleep patterns, their obedience, their sweetness - they turn around and remind me that they, and I, are far from perfect. One of the best things about having 4 children is that there is always 1, and often 2 or 3, who keep you humble. Sometimes they all gang up and humble me at once.

Anyhow, back to the topic at hand. Here are some of the approaches I've tried so far. Most worked for a time, then proved remarkably (unsurprisingly?) ineffectual. They show what an otherwise sensible but desperate parent will stoop too. You'll find most of these roundly criticised in parenting books:

• Read to Andrew while I surreptitiously put food in his mouth.
• Do jigsaws with Andrew while I surreptitiously put food in his mouth.
• Put Andrew in front of the television and surreptitiously put food near him, hoping he'll eat without noticing.
• Pander to any and all demands during mealtimes ("Climb on Mummy? Sure! Eat on the couch? Absolutely! Eat upside down with your toes? Why not?!")
• Play trains - "Here comes the choo-choo" - actually, I've only done this twice, he just chuckles and regards me with withering disdain.
• Get Andrew to look at me - "LOOK at me!" - and answer the question, "Toast, porridge, or cereal?" Mulish expression. Silence. I guess what he wants. I guess wrong.
• Offer Andrew several plates of left-over breakfast to choose between. ("Lizzy's porridge? Andrew's cereal? Benny's crusts?") Surprisingly, this sometimes works.
• Always eat with Andrew. This on the principle that "Monkey see, monkey do." Monkey doesn't do.
• Stand in front of the pantry holding Andrew so he can see the contents, and offer him anything and everything healthy that he might want. "Biscuits? Ricecakes? Cereal? Peanut butter? Sprinkles?" He doesn't want.
• Put plates of cut-up veges on the floor near Andrew which he happily ignores.
• Make Andrew healthy lunches which he happily ignores.
• Make Andrew healthy breakfasts and dinners which he unhappily ignores.
• Ignore Andrew as he screams. Keep eating. Stay calm - on the outside. Inside, I'm joining him on the floor.
• Put Andrew in his cot when he throws a tantrum during mealtimes. Get him out and threaten, "Bed or eat?" Put him back in bed. Get him out. Put him back. Give up.
• Distract Andrew. "Let's read a book, darling. You don't want to read a book? How about a cuddle and a tickle. No? More crying? Why don't you watch while I tear out my hair? That would be enjoyable and instructive."
• Carry Andrew around while I get the other children's food ready. Put him down when I need to use a knife. Pick him up when he whines and clings to my leg. Put him down when I need to measure the porridge. Pick him up when he wails.
• Get impatient. Tell Andrew, "You really need to eat NOW! Can't you just sit down and EAT? COME ON, you can't survive on nothing!" Actually, this isn't a strategy, it's an expression of extreme frustration.
• Feed Andrew daily vitamins because he's not eating any vitamins of the natural kind.

I know what the books say, of course. Never fight with your child over food. Never punish a child for not eating. Never bribe a child with sweet food (ha!). Only offer healthy food choices. If your child won't eat, cheerfully say, "That's ok, honey, you go and play now."

Never fill your child up on junk or milk. Never feed your child while he's watching TV. Never show your child you care whether he eats or not. Present food attractively. Don't offer too much food. Hide food inside other food. Feed your child before he gets hungry. Feed your child when he's hungry. When your child is really hungry, he will eat.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

I hear the dulcet tones of my son in his cot warming up for his early-morning tantrum. Gotta go now.

So has anyone else got any ideas? What have you found "works" with a toddler who's reluctant to eat?

images (apart from the photo of my darling Andrew) are from sock.xchng